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Old 12-05-2012, 05:25 PM   #76
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Originally Posted by disykat View Post
I don't think adults should always make their own choices wherever they are. That attitude always surprises me. What if people came into your home and started picking their nose and wiping boogers on your couch? Should they be allowed to do so because they do it in their own home? It could be any number of things that are against your "house rules."

I don't know what sharing a room has to do with wiping boogers on a couch, but I haven't heard anyone say that if you're uncomfortable with it you should let them share a room anyway. What I've said is that it didn't bother me- so I let my son and his girlfriend choose where they wanted to sleep and the chose to sleep in the same room. It wasn't an issue for us, so we didn't make it an issue for them. If youre uncomfortable with it just tell them so.
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Old 12-05-2012, 05:35 PM   #77
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In my mind, you are an adult when you are financially responsible for 100% of your expenses. Most 18 year olds don't fit into that category.
Maybe this is where the difference is - I don't think of the adult thing as a switch that gets turned on and off depending on your paycheck. It's a slowly evolving process. Does this mean that a college student that has parents paying tuition isn't an adult, but the college student who took out a loan is? Or that my elderly grandmother who spent the last few years of her life living with my parents was no longer an adult since my parents supported her financially? Or how about a couple where one partner works and the other stays at home. Technically the one at home is being supported by the one at work, do they lose their adult status?
There is a lot more to being an adult than the financial point of view.
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Old 12-05-2012, 05:43 PM   #78
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Originally Posted by Acklander View Post
I don't know what sharing a room has to do with wiping boogers on a couch, but I haven't heard anyone say that if you're uncomfortable with it you should let them share a room anyway. What I've said is that it didn't bother me- so I let my son and his girlfriend choose where they wanted to sleep and the chose to sleep in the same room. It wasn't an issue for us, so we didn't make it an issue for them. If youre uncomfortable with it just tell them so.
I was addressing the "adults get to make their own decisions" argument that was a used. You may not have said it, but others have.
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Old 12-05-2012, 06:38 PM   #79
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I was addressing the "adults get to make their own decisions" argument that was a used. You may not have said it, but others have.
Well, it's true. Adults do get to make their own decisions, especially when it comes to their sexuality. But if it bothers you that they share a room then they get to decide if they want to go the cheaper route (in different rooms but free); or pay for a hotel, or go somewhere else for the holidays. I still don't see what it has to do with boogers on the couch though.
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Old 12-05-2012, 07:46 PM   #80
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Originally Posted by Colleen27 View Post
I think that's the difference in a nutshell - most people here don't think of an 18yo who is still supported by his/her parents and living in a supervised setting as an adult in the full sense of the word. I'm a fairly liberal parent as a rule but I also take a very practical approach to most issues. So I do tend to think of an 18yo attending college on his parents' dime and living at home when school isn't in session to be more child than adult in terms of readiness for the potential practical/financial repercussions of sexual activity. As such I wouldn't be encouraging or supportive of their adult choices the same way I would be of a young adult who is living on his own, working, and supporting himself.
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Old 12-05-2012, 07:54 PM   #81
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I would thinking long and hard about which situation would be the least uncomfortable for everyone involved. Depending on you and your family, that could be very different from me. I was raised in a very traditional, conservative Christian household. I was raised to wait until I was married to have sex. In college, my then-boyfriend and I would have never shared a room at my parents' house. It would have been terribly awkward for everyone involved. He was raised very differently and his parents just assumed that we were sleeping together. Because of that, when I went with him to visit his parents, they put us in the same room with only one bed. I was very uncomfortable. When he explained our situation, that we were not intimate with each other, and that we would be more comfortable with separate beds, they were absolutely shocked. They said that there was nowhere else for me to sleep because it would be awkward for them to come downstairs and for me to be sleeping on the couch. Also, it was his bed, so if I was uncomfortable sleeping in it with him, they said I should be uncomfortable sleeping in it without him and therefore, they would not permit him to sleep on the couch. They said we would need to stay in the same room and if we really thought it was that big of a deal, I could sleep on the floor. It was a very uncomfortable situation for me.


I was friends with another girl, though, who was very uncomfortable in her boyfriend's house in a separate room. She was just meeting his parents, was very shy and insecure, and wanted him with her most of the time. She worried about waking up and going downstairs and him still being asleep in another room. She said that she barely got any sleep when she visited her boyfriend's for Thanksgiving one year, because she was so nervous and uncomfortable in her own room without him there to calm her fears.



Maybe try and get a feel from your son about what she is comfortable with. Then, since you know your family, try and decide what makes them more comfortable. Go with that.
This happened to me also. It was awkward, to say the least.

It just seems like a relationship that just started in August (maybe) evolves awfully quickly into a sexual relationship by Thanksgiving and Christmas break.

I suppose the majority of kids are doing it but I know a few who aren't so to put them in that situation sure can be uncomfortable.
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Old 12-05-2012, 10:24 PM   #82
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Originally Posted by Acklander View Post
Maybe this is where the difference is - I don't think of the adult thing as a switch that gets turned on and off depending on your paycheck. It's a slowly evolving process. Does this mean that a college student that has parents paying tuition isn't an adult, but the college student who took out a loan is? Or that my elderly grandmother who spent the last few years of her life living with my parents was no longer an adult since my parents supported her financially? Or how about a couple where one partner works and the other stays at home. Technically the one at home is being supported by the one at work, do they lose their adult status?
There is a lot more to being an adult than the financial point of view.
I agree that there is much more to it than finances, but when it comes to young people and sex I think it is impossible to separate finances from the question of readiness. I'm not a religious woman and I don't discourage pre-marital sex at all (quite the contrary, actually) but our kids have been taught all along that sex is something to be enjoyed by mature adults capable of dealing with the potential consequences. If they don't meet that standard, whether they're 16 or 22, I won't be comfortable condoning their choice to engage in something for which I don't believe them to be ready.
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Old 12-05-2012, 10:42 PM   #83
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I agree that there is much more to it than finances, but when it comes to young people and sex I think it is impossible to separate finances from the question of readiness. I'm not a religious woman and I don't discourage pre-marital sex at all (quite the contrary, actually) but our kids have been taught all along that sex is something to be enjoyed by mature adults capable of dealing with the potential consequences. If they don't meet that standard, whether they're 16 or 22, I won't be comfortable condoning their choice to engage in something for which I don't believe them to be ready.
The thing is, I don't think this is about sex. If they want to, kids are going to have sex whether it is condoned or not. Even if they are not allowed to share a bed in their parents' house they are going to have sex if they want to. Even if they are not financially ready for the potential consequences they are going to have sex if they want to. I full understand and accept that. Sex is a separate discussion.

For me, this issue is about something else. Once my children earned it I treated them as adults. There was no magic switch that flipped at 18 and it happened at different ages for each of them. I now trust them to make smart, responsible decisions. Sometimes they slip up but for the most part they handle their lives and issues well. I leave it up to them where they want to sleep. It seems silly to me to let them go off and live at college and have the freedom that goes with that and then take those decision-making responsibilities away from them when they come home.

I agree with the my house my rules philosophy and think everyone has to set the rules that work for them. Here those rules include honesty, respect, responsibility, tolerance and kindness. Where people sleep is not important to me. For what it's worth, I do not believe that either of my kids have ever had sex in this house. I can't imagine either of them feeling comfortable enough to do that with the rest of us so close by.
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Old 12-05-2012, 11:24 PM   #84
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Originally Posted by Acklander View Post
Well, it's true. Adults do get to make their own decisions, especially when it comes to their sexuality. But if it bothers you that they share a room then they get to decide if they want to go the cheaper route (in different rooms but free); or pay for a hotel, or go somewhere else for the holidays. I still don't see what it has to do with boogers on the couch though.
I was using a very random example of when someone might want to do something in someone's home and the "but I'm an adult and I can do what I want argument" won't fly. As an adult, you know to follow the behavior "code" for the environment that you are in. There are MANY rules, spoken and unspoken, everywhere we go. Someone claiming they don't have to follow anyone else's expectations because they are an adult and get to set their own rules is ridiculous.

If you don't like my analogy, you are free to ignore it. You and I seem to be on the same side on this one (respect the rules of the house or go elsewhere) so I'm not sure why you want to argue with me.
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Old 12-06-2012, 12:58 AM   #85
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Originally Posted by Colleen27 View Post
I think that's the difference in a nutshell - most people here don't think of an 18yo who is still supported by his/her parents and living in a supervised setting as an adult in the full sense of the word. I'm a fairly liberal parent as a rule but I also take a very practical approach to most issues. So I do tend to think of an 18yo attending college on his parents' dime and living at home when school isn't in session to be more child than adult in terms of readiness for the potential practical/financial repercussions of sexual activity. As such I wouldn't be encouraging or supportive of their adult choices the same way I would be of a young adult who is living on his own, working, and supporting himself.
I'm guessing you talk about pregnancies. Wouldn't the consequences be the same no matter where somebody gets pregnant?
Pretending that there are no activities is hardly a contraception.

It's not the social norm, you are uncomfortable with it, so don't allow it, in the end you don't have to defend you position as you shouldn't be uncomfortable in your own house.
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Old 12-06-2012, 04:02 AM   #86
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It seems a lot of people think the son was out of line to ask his mom. Dd I miss something? I don't get the impression that he was demanding to be allowed to sleep with his girlfriend. I get the impression that he realized that he does not KNOW what the "house rules" are for him as an adult with a visiting girlfriend--it is likely the first time it has happened in the house (heck, Mom s not sure what her house rules are yet, from the OP )

Personally, I think it shows a lot of maturity that the young man thought ahead about the potential for the situation to cause confusion and/or embarrassment and made an effort to speak with his parents and sort things out before he and his girlfriend arrive. It is likely not an easy topic to roach with parents--but he s working to spare both his parents and his girlefriend embarrassment later on--good for him!

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Maybe this is where the difference is - I don't think of the adult thing as a switch that gets turned on and off depending on your paycheck. It's a slowly evolving process. Does this mean that a college student that has parents paying tuition isn't an adult, but the college student who took out a loan is? Or that my elderly grandmother who spent the last few years of her life living with my parents was no longer an adult since my parents supported her financially? Or how about a couple where one partner works and the other stays at home. Technically the one at home is being supported by the one at work, do they lose their adult status?
There is a lot more to being an adult than the financial point of view.
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