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Old 12-05-2012, 12:39 PM   #1
Nutbean
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Please delete.

Please delete.

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Old 12-05-2012, 01:27 PM   #2
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In my personal opinion, you've 'technically' done nothing wrong. You were inviting the cousins as your daughter's FRIENDS not her relatives. Essentially, I'm guessing once in the park the 3 girls would have banded together leaving you, DH & your son "on your own".

However, I can see where this would be difficult to understand from her son's point of view & almost impossible for him NOT to feel left out considering it sounds like you've always gone out of your way to specifically include him with so many other events in the past. If I were her, I might get a little bit "Mama Bear" about it too.

If your son were not attending & it was JUST about the girls, that would change the tone too - your nephew wouldn't be the only non-diapered child between your 2 families being left out of the fun in that case. (Or if you were only inviting one of the girls, but not both.) To him, it would probably hurt & feel like he was being specifically excluded. It would be difficult for a child that age not to take something like this personally.

I can really see both sides of this.
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Old 12-05-2012, 01:29 PM   #3
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Originally Posted by Nutbean View Post
Now, with my son's 7th birthday approaching, I'm left wondering if it would be in poor taste of me to just invite her son and not the two eldest daughters now 16 & 15 (or the 2 year old...still in diapers) for a birthday event/party/sleepover for him???
I would invite him and not the other children. I'm SURE that a 16 and 15 year old are probably not interested in going to a sleepover birthday party for their 7 year old male cousin
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Old 12-05-2012, 01:44 PM   #4
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If your son were not attending & it was JUST about the girls, that would change the tone too - your nephew wouldn't be the only non-diapered child between your 2 families being left out of the fun in that case. (Or if you were only inviting one of the girls, but not both.) To him, it would probably hurt & feel like he was being specifically excluded. It would be difficult for a child that age not to take something like this personally.

I can really see both sides of this.
I think this is why she felt her son was excluded, if it was just a girls trip it would be easy to explain to her son. But as your son went along and her son wasn't invited it could have very well hurt his feelings. It went from being a girl's only event to a cousin's event. And for both sets of cousin's to go to a theme park but 1, does single that 1 out. The little one in diapers is still a 'baby' so wouldn't count.

For a sleep over it is different. I can't imagine any 16 year old girl wanting to go to a 7 year old boy's party.
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Old 12-05-2012, 02:09 PM   #5
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Old 12-05-2012, 02:18 PM   #6
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Listen, if this situation occurred and my son was involved I'd tell him essentially, to suck it up. Life isn't fair and this is something for his sisters. He will have opportunities to do things that don't include them.

We actually have experience with this in my family. DS13 is very close with my cousin who is 15 and my aunt takes my son along on trips with them a couple times a year. Last year DD9 started complaining about it to me and I told her it was life (albeit in a nicer way). There was no reason for jealousy and I would never try to force another one of my kids on my aunt. That's ridiculous.

I'm not sure I would want to deal with this whole dynamic again. Why set yourself up for drama?
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Old 12-05-2012, 02:51 PM   #7
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Does this mean that if my son had been born a girl, they would have been allowed to come?


I don't think it's a boy/girl thing at all. I think it's a matter of all of them being included except for JUST ONE for this type of event regardless of gender. (Again, I wouldn't count the baby, being so young & unaware.) Just my $0.02.

Honestly, in this situation, I would have taken the 3 girls to the park & left DH home with our son for the day. I don't think it would have raised her hackles quite so badly.
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Old 12-05-2012, 03:17 PM   #8
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Old 12-05-2012, 03:38 PM   #9
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Old 12-05-2012, 05:17 PM   #10
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You stated the girls were invited to come to the park. Her bad if she threw son under the bus. IMHO it is rude invite someone who has not been invited by the host.

As for your DS, invite her DS. It is up to her if he comes or not because you did not include the old ones. I would not invite the older ones.

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Old 12-05-2012, 06:58 PM   #11
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I completely understand your side and you are very kind to have invited them.

After reading the story I was trying to figure out this other mother's perspective and the only thing I could think of was that maybe going to a theme park was a bit MORE than just a sleep over. BUT you said she has taken the girls on shopping trips which were overnight ??!! weird.
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Old 12-05-2012, 08:02 PM   #12
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Okay so what I would do in this situation is invite them all but make it very clear it is the 7 year old boys birthday party and as such all activities will be geared toward him and for his age. ThAt would give them the option to decline but not be left out. If they choose to attend then they are family and they understood what the event was for.

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Old 12-05-2012, 10:46 PM   #13
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Originally Posted by RedHeadedFairy View Post
Honestly, in this situation, I would have taken the 3 girls to the park & left DH home with our son for the day. I don't think it would have raised her hackles quite so badly.
But they wanted a family birthday, right? So why leave part of their immediate family out of it just to make someone else happy?



I would hope that this family member could be spoken to like an adult, and to just explain that even though they are cousins, they are also FRIENDS. And that sometimes friends like to do things together. My closest cousin and I got to do things together, and we didn't always have to have my brother or her sister with us (though those two did get along QUITE well and it wasn't a problem for them to be along), because we were friends.

Now, with my group of friends, most of us were the oldest and had younger brothers who were about the same age, so inviting brothers wasn't ever a problem, BUT no one ever expected it to happen. Everyone just needed to talk like adults to each other. And it doesn't seem this relative is doing that.

I would try to talk to her rationally about this, and that some events will be "family" and some will be "friends", or at least "appropriate cousins". Sleepover for a boy, no teens, no girls. Theme park for a close-in-age girls, especially if you're footing the bill, no boy cousins, etc. Sometimes, everyone is invited. If she can't deal with it, she can't deal with it, and you know that going forward.


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We ended up scrambling at the last minute to do something else for our daughter and although we had a good time just the four of us, it wasn't as nice as it could have been for her.
I'm just super-sad that you guys changed your plans because the girl couldn't come.
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Old 12-05-2012, 11:53 PM   #14
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Sounds like she wanted a weekend with just the baby and tried to string arm you into taking her son. If you invite just her son for your son's bday party, I bet she'll have forgotten all about her new rule.
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Old 12-06-2012, 01:49 AM   #15
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If this had been someone outside the family I would have been shocked. Since it was family I will cut Mama Bear a little slack. Did she at least offer to pay her son's full expenses if you agreed to take him too? If he was that upset over not going, and his mom was willing to pay his expenses, I would probably have just sucked it up and took him as well since he gets along with your son.


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Listen, if this situation occurred and my son was involved I'd tell him essentially, to suck it up. Life isn't fair and this is something for his sisters. He will have opportunities to do things that don't include them.
Hey, you sound like my mom. I learned the "life isn't fair" lesson at a young age. ( and boy was she right! ) That is a lesson that has to be learned at some point. If his mom wanted to temper the situation some, she also could have told him that the she would do something special with him while the girls were gone.
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