Christmas family drama

[lovin'fl]

Oooh...I have been in a similar situation except it was me having an issue with the sister inlaws and DH wanting to go for Xmas Eve (and the kids as well...to see their cousins too). I was not about to spend Xmas Eve as a split family so...it was either none of us go or I swallow my pride and all of us go. I swallowed my pride and it was not fun or easy....but I did it for my kids mostly and also for my MIL and FIL (and I guess a bit for DH).

So you either sugar coat it to your kids and just say that you all won't be able to make it over to Aunt's house because you have this, that and the other...or you all go (seems like the only 2 options IMO). If your DH won't swallow his pride, you can tell the kids that you understand their disappointment but that they will see their cousins plenty (assuming you live near and visit other times), so 1 night won't make a difference. They won't be scarred and marred and completely traumatized to miss 1 Xmas Eve with the cousins...they likely won't even think about it when they are grown.

I am sorry you have this issue. I know what it's like and holidays are already stressful enough without this added drama.

[DebD4T]

OP, so sorry about your situation. We have a similar situation in our family. We are part of a large family also and 2 family members are at war with each other. But for the sake of the family and my DMIL's happiness, they put aside their feud for Thanksgiving and "sucked it up"

Our famliy is so large that it is not too difficult to just stay away from each other.
They each sat at opposite ends of the table (the table was set for 40 people) and just stayed in different rooms throughout the day.

Good luck.

[bearloch]

tough call u can make him go and take a chance that the promblem may get worse!! another fight etc can happen, or go and have a great time? or as posted before stay home and start your own celebration! can you maybe invite the rest of cousin etc over for the day after christmas to celebrate?

good luck!

[mickeysgal]

Unless the incident was so outrageous, so insulting, so wrong, I can't see a reason to not attend Christmas as a family.

DH and SIL have to work it out. You're family. You have a lot of years and holidays ahead of you. And you shouldn't be put in the middle like this trying to negotiate the holiday.

I wouldn't split a family at Christmas because of a grudge - yes, a grudge - you either all go or none of you. Does he really want that? Is what happened that big that he's willing to take it out on you and the kids too?

Sometimes it ok to tell the spouse to knock it off and be the bigger person and do it at least, for the kids. You may not need to agree all the time, but you should be able to get through an evening together without coming to blows/arguments. Or at least I'd hope you could.

It's Christmas. Peace on earth...all that good stuff.

[Scurvy]

I personally would not want to have the family separated on Christmas Eve, so either we would all go or we would all stay home. Obviously you and your children would like to go, but I disagree with the advice that your husband should go and just avoid his sister. Your husband should not go unless he can put the problem behind him and have a good attitude and be polite and friendly to his sister. I think it would be rude for him to go to an event she is hosting in her home and accept her hospitality if he can't act like everything is fine between them. So if he is still holding a grudge, then he needs to stay home.

[Mouse House Mama]

Let him handle his family and you handle yours. If the situation was reversed and he didn't stand by your side I can bet you wouldn't be happy. I personally would not send my kids anywhere on a holiday. Sorry but they will be fine at home. Make your own fun. They can see their cousins another day. Good luck.

[kimmar067]

....NEVER get involved with a spouse and a member of their family - it could come back to bite you in the arss later on. That being said, it sure seems like he's harboring feelings of anger towards his sister. Howver, I don't think it's in the best interest of YOUR immediate family to be split like that. Perhaps you could invite the cousins to your house sometime during that Christmas Week...

[shortbun]

You and your husband both have decisions to make. If you don't go to the family Christmas party, you choose to escalate the troubles and drive a possibly permanent wedge between members of yours and your children's family. What she did or said is NOT the issue. The issue is how you want your family relationship to be FOREVER. I don't know what I'd do but I like to think that I could be the peacemaker. You won't be able to force an apology or resolution but you might be able to forge a temporary peace for this one event. At the very least, I would take my children to be with their grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins, leaving my husband at home to lick his wounds. I love my husband; it would be hard leaving him on Christmas Eve but in the end, I would choose my children and the best situation for the larger number of people rather than allowing him to keep me from the rest of the family. In my opinion, his asking you to stay home with him and send the children seems really self-centered. As an adult, he should be able to begin getting over whatever his sister did. He doesn't have to like her, just spend a few hours with her for the good of the family. Good luck. Big issue.

[Wishing on a star]

No update from the OP about what might have happened and what is going on...

I read the original post again.
It is just unfathomable to me
1. That he would suggest and prefer sending his kids off on Christmas Eve. Just sending the kids off with his mother... Sounds like more than a quick visit for their benefit.
2. That his wife would consider spending Christmas Eve away from her DH. No matter who's family it involves. No way would I want my Husband to up and leave me. (unless it were for a short visit under some drastic circumstances) And no way would I be leaving him.

There would have to be some hellacious issues, to me, to want to split my family up. Not, "because sister said something that I didn't like..." it would have to be a lot more than that.

Like I said earlier, I think that this goes way deeper.
I think that there is a LOT more here than we are getting.

[luvmy3]

Originally Posted by Mouse House Mama

Let him handle his family and you handle yours. If the situation was reversed and he didn't stand by your side I can bet you wouldn't be happy. I personally would not send my kids anywhere on a holiday. Sorry but they will be fine at home. Make your own fun. They can see their cousins another day. Good luck.

Originally Posted by Wishing on a star

No update from the OP about what might have happened and what is going on...

I read the original post again.
It is just unfathomable to me
1. That he would suggest and prefer sending his kids off on Christmas Eve. Just sending the kids off with his mother... Sounds like more than a quick visit for their benefit.
2. That his wife would consider spending Christmas Eve away from her DH. No matter who's family it involves. No way would I want my Husband to up and leave me. (unless it were for a short visit under some drastic circumstances) And no way would I be leaving him.

There would have to be some hellacious issues, to me, to want to split my family up. Not, "because sister said something that I didn't like..." it would have to be a lot more than that.

Like I said earlier, I think that this goes way deeper.
I think that there is a LOT more here than we are getting.

I bet some would have predicted you would say that

I agree that there is probably something more going on, but it doesn't seem big enough for the dh to not want his kids there when she is there, he just doesn't want to be around her.
I wouldn't stay home with dh, but I consider my ILs my family, not just his so unless it was something really major I wouldn't want to miss Christmas Eve with my family just because he was acting like a big baby.

[minkydog]

Originally Posted by shortbun

You and your husband both have decisions to make. If you don't go to the family Christmas party, you choose to escalate the troubles and drive a possibly permanent wedge between members of yours and your children's family. What she did or said is NOT the issue. The issue is how you want your family relationship to be FOREVER. I don't know what I'd do but I like to think that I could be the peacemaker. You won't be able to force an apology or resolution but you might be able to forge a temporary peace for this one event. At the very least, I would take my children to be with their grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins, leaving my husband at home to lick his wounds. I love my husband; it would be hard leaving him on Christmas Eve but in the end, I would choose my children and the best situation for the larger number of people rather than allowing him to keep me from the rest of the family. In my opinion, his asking you to stay home with him and send the children seems really self-centered. As an adult, he should be able to begin getting over whatever his sister did. He doesn't have to like her, just spend a few hours with her for the good of the family. Good luck. Big issue.

I agree with all of this. Unless the Sister did something so awful, unlawful, or heinous that it really cries out for total banishment, I think your DH is overreacting. WAAAAY overreacting. And the longer he nurses it, the bigger it's going to get, until neither one will want to back down. THis is how family feuds start,

I know. My DH's family is famous for shunning each other. And it doesn't even have to be something big. It can be minor things, like a cousin didn't go to grandma's for dinner. SHUNNED. One sibling made a rude remark to the other. OSTRACIZED An aunt buys a bigger car than the uncle. BANNED. When I came into the family, my FIL was engaged in a 12 YEAR long feud with his sister(DHs aunt) and they weren't speaking. Oh, they were still going to the same family gatherings, but they would sit on opposite sides of the room, smoking and making catty comments about each other. Eventually, somebody would get a snoot-ful and the verbal sparring would begin. I had never seen anything like it in my life. And they continued that feud for another 4 years, too! You know what started it? Big brother(FIL) didn't like the man Little Sister(aunt) had dated. Yep, that's what you read...16 YEARS later, FIL was still holding that grudge (and we dont' know what ever happend to that old boyfriend.) The sad part is that they were so staked on their own argument that they had not really communicated with each other in years. FIL suffered a massive heart attack one day and that was it. No chance to say goodbye, to apologize, to make restitution with one another. The Aunt had a very hard time with his death, but there was nothihng she could do to fix it.

So, I guess I'm just like everyone else. I'd like to know what the Sis did that was soooooo awful that it would be a reasonable choice to lock her out of your life and the lives of your children. If she committed rape, robbery, or murder, well, then I'm on your husband's side

[LisaInNc]

I would let your children go where they are going to be a happiest. If it's with you make them stay but if they truly want to be with their cousins I think you need to suck it up and let them go. It's Christmas, they are kids and they are not part of this argument the adults are having.

Lisa

[disykat]

Originally Posted by Rylee

Based on only the info provided...

If your DH doesn't normally hold a grudge, I would be supporting my DH this time. He obviously feels strongly about this and must be very hurt by whatever took place. I would NOT divide my family on Christmas eve. Our children belong with us on Xmas eve, and DH and I belong together. "We" are a family, and our family comes first.

I would plan a nice evening for my own family and come up with ideas to make it special for the kids. Perhaps have your parents over and invite the IL's to stop for awhile before or after the other party. (Depending on their ages, the children do not need to know why you are changing things up this year.) Surely you can get the kids together with their cousins some other time during the holidays.

Originally Posted by Mouse House Mama

Let him handle his family and you handle yours. If the situation was reversed and he didn't stand by your side I can bet you wouldn't be happy. I personally would not send my kids anywhere on a holiday. Sorry but they will be fine at home. Make your own fun. They can see their cousins another day. Good luck.

I also think this is the DHs issue, not OPs. DH is your family first, so if the family has to choose between spending the holiday with their spouse/father and the rest of the famly, they should be choosing the spouse/father.

There are certainly times when it would be appropriate for OP and her kids to visit the extended family without DH if it's only him that is unwilling to go. I wouldn't do it on the holiday though. Especially on a holiday this close to the problem. Sometimes time/space helps when working things out.

[dis-happy]

Plan a family trip to Disney over the holidays instead. Hopefully by next Christmas everyone will be over the problem.

[Minnesota!]

Either we would ALL stay home or we would ALL go.

No splitting up of my immediate family for something petty.