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Old 12-05-2012, 10:13 AM   #46
aaarcher86
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Whatever you choose will set the precedent for the younger children.

I imagine at some point they'll even push the envelope - 'well I'm 18 now (in high school). I'll have Jimbo sleepover since mom let xxx do it when they were 18.' Ya know?

I'm not a stickler for marriage before living together/sex/kids... I'm more of a whatever works for you girl and I'm not sure how I'd feel about it in my own home with my own kids.
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Old 12-05-2012, 10:55 AM   #47
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Honestly, I wouldn't even have a conversation. When the kids arrive, simply say Suzy's bed is made up in the office or in the girls' room or John is sleeping on the floor in the living room while Suzy takes his bed.

When I first went home to meet my future inlaws, I was graciously shown around the house and dropped at the guest bedroom and my husband taken down the hall to the childrens' room. We had no conversation about anything and all boundaries were respected.

If your son brings it up again, I would tell him the arrangements and make sure he knew they would not be changing.
THis is what happened when I on all visits to DH's family before we were married. Once when we were engaged. I was shown the room I would be staying. Period. No discussion. And DH was 35 at the time.
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Old 12-05-2012, 11:33 AM   #48
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I have a son that will be a Freshman in college next year. If we end up in the same situation, I will have him sleep on the couch and give her his room.

Thinking back, I would not have been comfortable sleeping with DH in my parents house, or his parents house, before marriage.
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Old 12-05-2012, 11:39 AM   #49
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I have a son that will be a Freshman in college next year. If we end up in the same situation, I will have him sleep on the couch and give her his room.

Thinking back, I would not have been comfortable sleeping with DH in my parents house, or his parents house, before marriage.
I'm 52 years old and while I've slept with DH a gazillion times while at my parents or his parents house, i don't think I've ever had sex with him while there (or in anyone else's house for that matter). Am I the only one who uses the bedroom just for sleeping while a house guest???
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Old 12-05-2012, 11:44 AM   #50
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I'm 52 years old and while I've slept with DH a gazillion times while at my parents or his parents house, i don't think I've ever had sex with him while there (or in anyone else's house for that matter). Am I the only one who uses the bedroom just for sleeping while a house guest???
No, I never have done anything either, but it is the idea. I was raised that once you are married, you share a bed, not before. I still stand by that rule. My kids know it. And yep, I know that they may live with someone, they know how I feel about that also. Like my mom, even if you live together, you won't share a bed in my home until married.
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Old 12-05-2012, 11:47 AM   #51
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It appears this is an 18 year old and a girl he met less than 4 months ago. If they are mature enough to sleep together, they should be mature enough to not sleep together for a couple of nights.

I would say no anyway, and I seriously doubt my kids would ask.
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Old 12-05-2012, 12:00 PM   #52
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A college freshman with a relatively new relationship (meaning measured in months rather than years)? My expectation would be separate rooms, and I'm not especially conservative on the matter. If we were talking about a couple that was living together, for example, I'd respect their relationship enough to allow the same sleeping arrangements at my home that they are accustomed to in their own. But it doesn't sound like your son's relationship is even close to that level, and while I don't have a moral objection to premarital sex between consenting adults I do think sharing a bed in one's family home is a milestone of sorts that should be reserved for serious/long-term relationships.
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Old 12-05-2012, 12:01 PM   #53
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DH and I started dating as college Freshman. We never asked anyone ahead of time--we just slept where ever they showed us.

His parents always put us in separate rooms (and we stayed there about one weekend a month, as it was about a 2 hour drive from the school down). For a few years the room I ended up in was known as "Hadley's room"

We never really stayed at my house overnight that I recall (my dad is really shy).

His older siblings and my grandparents (yes, my grandparents!) put us in one room together.

Other than laughing amongst our selves that my grandparents were more liberal than his parents about this stuff we never much cared--it was just a few nights here or there.

My own kids will be 16 and 14 this month. I THINK I would just put my child and their SO n a room together by the time they are coming home from college. I would not worry about what the two year younger one thinks--it fits my morals and he will be treated the same when visiting from school, so no big deal FOR ME.

Basically, I do not think there is anything wrong with you enforcing your rules if you want those rules, but I also do not think there is anything wrong with you being okay with it and your younger kids knowing that.


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I know I'm in the minority here, but I didn't have a problem with my adult son sharing a room with his girlfriend when they visited. I think he was about 19 the first time the issue came up.
Around the end of 17/beginning of 18 we started to slowly shift our relationship from one of we're the parents, do as I say to one where we were letting him make his own decisions/choices and we were there for guidance if needed.
That being said, both DH and I have no problem at all with cohabitating couples, or think that there is anything abnormal about 18 and 19 year olds being involved in a sexual relationship without the benefit of marriage. So, being that we didnt have a moral objection, it wasn't that big of a deal.
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I think it reasonable to set whatever expectations you feel comfortable with. Each family is different and has different views of premarital sex.

However, please, please do not discuss your rules with the guest. Your expectations of behavior should be discussed with your son and your son should then relay the information to his girlfriend. He should be the one to tell her that "Mom and Dad are not comfortable with us sharing a room together."
I agree--either just put them somewhere and assume, or discuss with your son ahead of time--but do not have the conversation with the poor girl there.
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Old 12-05-2012, 12:05 PM   #54
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Last year DS had his girlfriend come stay overnight during Christmas vacation. I told them both that they were not sharing his room and that the door to his room was to stay open.
He slept on the couch and she took the bed. (Don't know what they did after I fell asleep though. )

What he does when he is away at school is his business, but as many other poster have said... "my house, my rules"
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Old 12-05-2012, 12:08 PM   #55
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I'm 52 years old and while I've slept with DH a gazillion times while at my parents or his parents house, i don't think I've ever had sex with him while there (or in anyone else's house for that matter). Am I the only one who uses the bedroom just for sleeping while a house guest???
No! I have been married for over 16 years and have 2 children. I still won't have sex in either my mother's or MIL's house.
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Old 12-05-2012, 12:09 PM   #56
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I would not allow it. I would never allow it. No ring= no sleeping together in my house.
Yup- pretty much sums up my feelings too!
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Old 12-05-2012, 12:16 PM   #57
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For the past few years DD and her BF of 3 yrs have slept in separate places. Which usually is a couch for one of them. That causes problems because our house is very small and the only couch is smack dab in the LR.

My youngest is now 16, my dd and her BF have lived together for 2 yrs. So we did a bit of shuffling. Now this past Thanksgiving my oldest son slept on a pull out couch in the newly cleaned and straighted basement. My dd and her bf slept together in the smaller of our guest rooms (which last year was someones bedroom) and the other son and daughter slept in their room.

They never asked and always assumed that it was separate sleeping when at our home it just got to inconvenient for me to do with so many bodies on one small home.

So, it would depend on the ages of your other kids in the house and how you personally feel about it.
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Old 12-05-2012, 12:32 PM   #58
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Interesting. Maybe this is a cultural thing, but I don't know anybody who would suggest seperate rooms for adult couples.
When I had my first boyfriend he was allowed to spend the night after a few weeks and even my mother told me, that she could bring her boyfriend home in 1971, and of course they stayed in the same room.
It's a total non topic over here.
I would doubt that they would even do something that could anybody make uncomfortable in a house full with family.
Doesn't it feel somewhat weird and forced,putting two people that are together in different rooms?
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Old 12-05-2012, 01:10 PM   #59
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This is indeed a cultural thing... one that I will never understand.. Essentially in most of these cases we have parents who are fully aware their child is engaged in a physical relationship but like many Americans... have adopted the out of sight out of mind philosophy. When it has the chance of happening at home that might be awkward for the parent so they instead make the entire stay awkward for their son/daughter..

I know that paints the parent in a negative light but honestly thats how it usually seems to be..... denial

Also I'd just like to point out... forcing your children to follow a rule like that when for some of the posts I have read is clearly based on a religious ideal is really wrong...IMO anyway
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Old 12-05-2012, 01:16 PM   #60
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This is indeed a cultural thing... one that I will never understand.. Essentially in most of these cases we have parents who are fully aware their child is engaged in a physical relationship but like many Americans... have adopted the out of sight out of mind philosophy. When it has the chance of happening at home that might be awkward for the parent so they instead make the entire stay awkward for their son/daughter..

I know that paints the parent in a negative light but honestly thats how it usually seems to be..... denial

Also I'd just like to point out... forcing your children to follow a rule like that when for some of the posts I have read is clearly based on a religious ideal is really wrong...IMO anyway
Do you have children? If you don't, your opinion may change once that happens. I know mine did.

Religion has nothing to do with my feelings on the matter.
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