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Old 12-04-2012, 09:52 PM   #1
luvestodizz
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Christmas family drama

DH has a large family and we all get together for Christmas Eve. This past October DH had an incident with his Sis who is hosting the Eve. My DH does not hold grudges but he is mad and hurt by her so he will not go to her house. A few weeks ago he did give BIL- her DH a call but he didn't answer or return the voicemail. The trouble is my kids want to be with their cousins. DH thinks the kids should go there with his Mom and he and I have a quiet Christmas Eve together. I admit I am sad. I want to be with the rest of his family and all the noisy festivities. My parents would join us but without the kids, I would be sad.
I was hurt by what SIL did too but in the spirit of Christmas I think we should be the bigger people. Anything I can say to DH to ease his feelings?
MIL told me she spoke to SIL who said "What does he want me to do, apologize?" That might be nice but so far nothing.
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Old 12-04-2012, 09:59 PM   #2
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Originally Posted by luvestodizz View Post
DH has a large family and we all get together for Christmas Eve. This past October DH had an incident with his Sis who is hosting the Eve. My DH does not hold grudges but he is mad and hurt by her so he will not go to her house. A few weeks ago he did give BIL- her DH a call but he didn't answer or return the voicemail. The trouble is my kids want to be with their cousins. DH thinks the kids should go there with his Mom and he and I have a quiet Christmas Eve together. I admit I am sad. I want to be with the rest of his family and all the noisy festivities. My parents would join us but without the kids, I would be sad.
I was hurt by what SIL did too but in the spirit of Christmas I think we should be the bigger people. Anything I can say to DH to ease his feelings?
MIL told me she spoke to SIL who said "What does he want me to do, apologize?" That might be nice but so far nothing.
This incident happened in October? You might want to rethink that idea that your husband does not hold a grudge.

It is a terrible idea and very childish for him to suggest your children spend Christmas Eve away from their parents.
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Old 12-04-2012, 10:09 PM   #3
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Originally Posted by Hrhpd View Post
This incident happened in October? You might want to rethink that idea that your husband does not hold a grudge.

It is a terrible idea and very childish for him to suggest your children spend Christmas Eve away from their parents.
Yes, this. If there's ever a time to be the bigger person, it's Christmas. Go, play nice, and save the drama for behind closed doors.
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Old 12-05-2012, 04:38 AM   #4
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I agree it sounds like your husband IS holding a grudge.

Personally, since you say you would like to be with his family, I would be tempted to tell him that I would be going over with the kids for the family event and I hoped he would join us, but if he would rather stay home and nurse his grudge he can do it without me.
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Old 12-05-2012, 05:18 AM   #5
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Your situation is the definition of a grudge.

Without knowing what happened between them I can't say if he should let it blow over or not. If you are not angry and want to go, talk to him and see if he would mind if you took th kids for a while.

I can't say he should be the bigger person without knowing what she did to offend him.
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Old 12-05-2012, 05:28 AM   #6
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Originally Posted by NHdisneylover View Post
I agree it sounds like your husband IS holding a grudge.

Personally, since you say you would like to be with his family, I would be tempted to tell him that I would be going over with the kids for the family event and I hoped he would join us, but if he would rather stay home and nurse his grudge he can do it without me.
I agree- no way would I sit home with him alone while my kids were out someplace else on Christmas eve simply because he is holding a grudge!
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Old 12-05-2012, 06:05 AM   #7
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You are going to have to spill it if you want to defend your dh.

I can't see a situation where you would boycott C. Eve party for something his sister said and then send the kids and no parents. That is just not right.

So in conclusion tell your dh that WE are all are going and tell him to suck it up buttercup and move forward with life.

ETA... If the offense was so GREAT that he wants to cut off family, then you ALL stay home. Everyone needs to suffer his decision. It will bring to light the resolution that needs to be made here.


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Last edited by The Mystery Machine; 12-05-2012 at 09:54 AM.
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Old 12-05-2012, 06:33 AM   #8
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Based on only the info provided...

If your DH doesn't normally hold a grudge, I would be supporting my DH this time. He obviously feels strongly about this and must be very hurt by whatever took place. I would NOT divide my family on Christmas eve. Our children belong with us on Xmas eve, and DH and I belong together. "We" are a family, and our family comes first.

I would plan a nice evening for my own family and come up with ideas to make it special for the kids. Perhaps have your parents over and invite the IL's to stop for awhile before or after the other party. (Depending on their ages, the children do not need to know why you are changing things up this year.) Surely you can get the kids together with their cousins some other time during the holidays.
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Old 12-05-2012, 06:56 AM   #9
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No reason to punish the kids for your DH's grudge (i.e depriving them of the evening with the extended family). If your husband wants to sulk at home then let him do it by himself while everybody else goes out and enjoys the evening.

Or, tell him to go and enjoy the evening AS a family, WITH the family and just stay out of his sister's way.
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Old 12-05-2012, 07:08 AM   #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Rylee View Post
Based on only the info provided...

If your DH doesn't normally hold a grudge, I would be supporting my DH this time. He obviously feels strongly about this and must be very hurt by whatever took place. I would NOT divide my family on Christmas eve. Our children belong with us on Xmas eve, and DH and I belong together. "We" are a family, and our family comes first.

I would plan a nice evening for my own family and come up with ideas to make it special for the kids. Perhaps have your parents over and invite the IL's to stop for awhile before or after the other party. (Depending on their ages, the children do not need to know why you are changing things up this year.) Surely you can get the kids together with their cousins some other time during the holidays.
I agree with this. I would probably personally take it a step further and find out now what it would take for dh to stop holding the grudge, what he needs to repair the relationship. Is it something that can be done prior to christmas? If there is really a complete break and nothing can be done, or nothing either side is willing to do, I would plan a fun alternative christmas eve with my kids (no way are we spending christmas eve without them!). Think outside the box, do something really special and fun, start a new tradition. Think of how you want to look back on this christmas eve...if you are not going to SIL, figure out a way that you can look back at it as the christmas eve you did X, instead of as the christmas eve you didn't do Y

good luck!

Last edited by mtemm; 12-05-2012 at 07:22 AM.
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Old 12-05-2012, 07:12 AM   #11
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NHdisneylover View Post
I agree it sounds like your husband IS holding a grudge.

Personally, since you say you would like to be with his family, I would be tempted to tell him that I would be going over with the kids for the family event and I hoped he would join us, but if he would rather stay home and nurse his grudge he can do it without me.


I wouldn't want to be without my kids on Christmas Eve, and I would not make them pay for whatever family drama is going on between the adults.
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Old 12-05-2012, 07:23 AM   #12
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Quote:
Originally Posted by luvestodizz View Post
DH has a large family and we all get together for Christmas Eve. This past October DH had an incident with his Sis who is hosting the Eve. My DH does not hold grudges but he is mad and hurt by her so he will not go to her house. A few weeks ago he did give BIL- her DH a call but he didn't answer or return the voicemail. The trouble is my kids want to be with their cousins. DH thinks the kids should go there with his Mom and he and I have a quiet Christmas Eve together. I admit I am sad. I want to be with the rest of his family and all the noisy festivities. My parents would join us but without the kids, I would be sad.
I was hurt by what SIL did too but in the spirit of Christmas I think we should be the bigger people. Anything I can say to DH to ease his feelings?
MIL told me she spoke to SIL who said "What does he want me to do, apologize?" That might be nice but so far nothing.
I really like your attitude OP, and regardless of what your beastly SIL did,I hope it works out that you can coax your DH over this rough patch so that it doesn't fester into an on-going family split. Especially during this Christmas season, God bless the peacemakers .
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Old 12-05-2012, 07:59 AM   #13
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Yes, I think you would have to spill the details to begin to explain or defend your husband's position.

You mention that he has a large family, and it seems that everyone else is wanting/willing to go and do their best to enjoy a family Christmas.

Since, until now, you have not felt that your husband was the type to hold a petty grudge, I am actually wondering if there are not some bigger underlying issues, that might go way back, that you and others are not really aware of?

Have you tried to listen to your DH and really see where he is coming from?
It would be important to NOT go into it with any preconceived opinion of your own (such as 'you should suck it up') But to talk to him about why he feels so strongly, and just listen. Really listen.

(I know one person who has some seriously sinister issues in their family past.... The family just keeps that all swept away in the back of some deep dark closet.... For some reason, somehow, this is coming to my mind.)

Have you tried to determine if anything at all can be done to make some amends?

Those that know me here know that I am huge on personal boundaries, especially when it comes to controlling and toxic people. But, I have to say, from what we know, I am not thinking that this is the case. Maybe time for those involved to put on their big boy/big girl panties?

I do hope it all works out for the best.

As for how you handle it, that is a tough call. I always believe that a husband and wife should be as one. But, the children always have to come first. If this is truly a personal issue between the two adults, and your kids and yourself have not been personally affected, I think I would have to insist that your kids spend at least a little time enjoying the family Christmas. That can be so important. Adults simply should not let their personal issues be taken out on the children.

Last edited by Wishing on a star; 12-05-2012 at 08:13 AM.
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Old 12-05-2012, 08:28 AM   #14
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Rylee View Post
Based on only the info provided...

If your DH doesn't normally hold a grudge, I would be supporting my DH this time. He obviously feels strongly about this and must be very hurt by whatever took place. I would NOT divide my family on Christmas eve. Our children belong with us on Xmas eve, and DH and I belong together. "We" are a family, and our family comes first.

I would plan a nice evening for my own family and come up with ideas to make it special for the kids. Perhaps have your parents over and invite the IL's to stop for awhile before or after the other party. (Depending on their ages, the children do not need to know why you are changing things up this year.) Surely you can get the kids together with their cousins some other time during the holidays.
I agree. Whatever the argument your husband still has strong feelings about it. If you and your children leave him home alone it could cause an issue between the two of you as he may see it as you're not acknowledging and supporting his feelings. Right or wrong, they're his feelings and he's entitled to them.

If the situation were reversed how would you feel if he told you that he and the kids were going to the in-laws on Christmas Eve and you could stay home by yourself?
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Old 12-05-2012, 08:43 AM   #15
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I agree it sounds like your husband IS holding a grudge.



Personally, since you say you would like to be with his family, I would be tempted to tell him that I would be going over with the kids for the family event and I hoped he would join us, but if he would rather stay home and nurse his grudge he can do it without me.


You are setting an examples for your kids. Whatever the SIL did he is OK with his kids being around her, so why not just be the bigger person and go?
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