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Old 11-19-2012, 01:01 PM   #1
jen0610
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Uggghhhhh! I hate being thrust in the middle.

I am getting the pleasure of calling our neice on DH's side of the family and letting her know that we will not be coming to Thanksgiving dinner.

We talked about 3 weeks ago about plans. At that time, I let her know what DH's work schedule was for Black Friday. He has to be there at 4, so it's up at 3 for us, so we need to be back home around 7 so he can get to bed.

Friday night, she calls me back and said that after checking with everybody, here is what we need to bring (not an issue, we all bring something) and that they are going to eat at 5:30, which actually means eating at 6. OK...ummmm we are suppose to eat and run??? And when we get home, DH is suppose to go to bed an hour or so after a big, heavy meal???

Needless to say, DH is not a happy person and yesterday he went and got the stuff needed to fix thanksgiving dinner for the 4 of us, plus my dad. My dad eating with us is another touchy subject, because as of last thursday, my mom is flying out on wed to go to my brothers for thanksgiving, leaving my dad to fend for himself.

If left up to DH to call, it wouldn't get down and then they would be waiting of 4 items for the meal. I can't do that to them.

Last edited by jen0610; 11-19-2012 at 01:06 PM.
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Old 11-19-2012, 01:05 PM   #2
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You aren't "supposed" to be doing anything! You made your excuses, can't go and that should have been the end of it. If they are being unreasonable, just explain once again the dilemma and that's it.
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Old 11-19-2012, 01:12 PM   #3
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Bite the bullet and make the call.

I would just tell her that a 5:30 meal does not work for us. Thanks for being gracious and thinking of us for dinner though.

Then if peeps are uttered, you say, sorry we can't come but thanks for the invite.

It is just too bad he has to work early, so we are having dinner at home.

Good Luck and report back.
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Old 11-19-2012, 02:00 PM   #4
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Call and get it over with- don't let the fear eat away at you!

Your DH cannot make it, because he has work commitments and must make it to bed by 7pm. That is a perfect excuse for not going and if your niece is funny about you cancelling then just ignore it! My mum's family is a little like your DH's sound like and that's the best way. They'll get over it. And honestly, you can't go! They surely will at least understand that
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Old 11-19-2012, 02:08 PM   #5
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jen0610 View Post
that they are going to eat at 5:30, which actually means eating at 6. OK...ummmm we are suppose to eat and run??? And when we get home, DH is suppose to go to bed an hour or so after a big, heavy meal???
Maybe they WILL eat at 5:30.

Do they normally have T'Day dinner at 7:00, but are adjusting hoping you will join them?

Can your husband just this once go to bed an hour after eating a meal?

Can he just eat a regular amount instead of a "big" amount, just this once?

Kind of sounds like you just don't want to go.
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Old 11-19-2012, 02:21 PM   #6
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Bob NC View Post
Maybe they WILL eat at 5:30.

Do they normally have T'Day dinner at 7:00, but are adjusting hoping you will join them?

Can your husband just this once go to bed an hour after eating a meal?

Can he just eat a regular amount instead of a "big" amount, just this once?

Kind of sounds like you just don't want to go.
They've already indicated their availability and the niece did not accommodate them.

There's no shame in simply saying, "Sorry, we're not available - we'll see you next year!" Why bother with everyone being miserable when you can simply do your own thing?
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Old 11-19-2012, 02:54 PM   #7
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Originally Posted by Bob NC View Post
Maybe they WILL eat at 5:30.

Do they normally have T'Day dinner at 7:00, but are adjusting hoping you will join them?

Can your husband just this once go to bed an hour after eating a meal?

Can he just eat a regular amount instead of a "big" amount, just this once?

Kind of sounds like you just don't want to go.
I have to agree. Which is perfectly fine if they just don't feel like going, their choice.

But in bed by 7 and up at 3 is a full 8 hours sleep. I don't know any adult that gets 8 hours of sleep in this hectic day and age

Is it possible for your husband to be in bed by 8 and get 7 hours of sleep?

But don't feel bad if you really don't want to go. Holidays should be a holiday, a break from stress.

Just call and let them know. But don't make them feel guilty either that they are having a later dinner.

Why can't your father accompany your mother to your brother's Thanksgiving?
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Old 11-19-2012, 02:55 PM   #8
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Originally Posted by jen0610 View Post
I am getting the pleasure of calling our neice on DH's side of the family and letting her know that we will not be coming to Thanksgiving dinner.

We talked about 3 weeks ago about plans. At that time, I let her know what DH's work schedule was for Black Friday. He has to be there at 4, so it's up at 3 for us, so we need to be back home around 7 so he can get to bed.

Friday night, she calls me back and said that after checking with everybody, here is what we need to bring (not an issue, we all bring something) and that they are going to eat at 5:30, which actually means eating at 6. OK...ummmm we are suppose to eat and run??? And when we get home, DH is suppose to go to bed an hour or so after a big, heavy meal???

Needless to say, DH is not a happy person and yesterday he went and got the stuff needed to fix thanksgiving dinner for the 4 of us, plus my dad. My dad eating with us is another touchy subject, because as of last thursday, my mom is flying out on wed to go to my brothers for thanksgiving, leaving my dad to fend for himself.

If left up to DH to call, it wouldn't get down and then they would be waiting of 4 items for the meal. I can't do that to them.
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Old 11-19-2012, 03:00 PM   #9
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Originally Posted by Hrhpd View Post
I have to agree. Which is perfectly fine if they just don't feel like going, their choice.

But in bed by 7 and up at 3 is a full 8 hours sleep. I don't know any adult that gets 8 hours of sleep in this hectic day and age

Is it possible for your husband to be in bed by 8 and get 7 hours of sleep?

But don't feel bad if you really don't want to go. Holidays should be a holiday, a break from stress.

Just call and let them know. But don't make them feel guilty either that they are having a later dinner.

Why can't your father accompany your mother to your brother's Thanksgiving?

I agree. My husband work every day at 5 and doesn't go to bed until after 9. Can't your husband put on big boy pants get to bed before 10 and take a nap when he gets home.
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Old 11-19-2012, 03:08 PM   #10
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Kind of sounds like you just don't want to go.
My thoughts exactly.
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Old 11-19-2012, 03:18 PM   #11
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I guess I thought that it is a little late to cancel 3 days before the holiday. I am sure the niece has all the food bought and has probably planned the menu around what the OP will bring.
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Old 11-19-2012, 03:23 PM   #12
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Why should the OP and her DH sacrifice sleep if they don't want to? It's not the end of the world if they have their own holiday.
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Old 11-19-2012, 03:32 PM   #13
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I never got the impression you don't want to go, OP. Personally, I was more of the impression that maybe you weren't wanted since you told when you could go & it didn't seem to matter.
I would make my own plans & have a Happy Thanksgiving with your family. I would call & say we were not going to be there, though so they aren't waiting on you.
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Old 11-19-2012, 03:56 PM   #14
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I never got the impression you don't want to go, OP. Personally, I was more of the impression that maybe you weren't wanted since you told when you could go & it didn't seem to matter.
I would make my own plans & have a Happy Thanksgiving with your family. I would call & say we were not going to be there, though so they aren't waiting on you.
I'm going to read my own experiences in here, but this is why I will no longer host big family events.

I don't get the impression that the OP wasn't wanted. If you are hosting a big dinner or event you need to do what works for the MAJORITY of guests, and what works for the hosts schedule.

Maybe 5:30 is a time that works for every other guest, but the OP, and also allows the host enough time to cook and serve, assuming she, too, has other obligations. While a good host does try to accommodate his/her guests, it is impossible to please everybody.

I am a nurse, my husband a physician. Working on holidays isn't unheard of. In the past I had planned a Thanksgiving dinner for 5, because he was on call at 7 (and at the time had to do in hospital call) which left him enough time to eat and get to work.

One year I had a relative who didn't want to eat that early, so she showed up an hour late. My older relatives, who were still alive at the time, insisted we wait for her. We did, and my husband had just enough time to gulp down dinner and dash, then we had to hear from Ms. Tardy how rude it was of him to eat and run.

The following year I served at 5 without her, and got a lecture about how rude we were to eat without her. At that point I said "no more." Someone always has a complaint. Meal is too early, meal is too late. I don't like this, I don't like that. I decided not to bring potatoes, I brought peas instead, even though I was the one that volunteered to bring potatoes, so now we have 2 dishes of peas and no potatoes.

It is so much easier just to have my own little family. We can relax, eat what we want when we want, there is not hurt feelings or guilt trips, and there is a whole lot less to clean up.
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Old 11-19-2012, 04:06 PM   #15
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I would just call and say you can't make it. I agree that eating a big dinner then going to bed is not the best option.
For those talking about sleep.... Some people can survive on less sleep some can't. Getting home at 7 doesn't mean he will go to sleep at that time. You also don't know what his job is or how many hours he must work. I work with children and I know if I get less then 7 hours it is going to be a really rough day! I need to be well rested to be alert. So OP you should ignore the person with the "big boy pants" comment. That was rude.
The family was warned that you would need an earlier time to come and it doesn't sound as if you don't want to go. It's not like you want to eat early so you can start shopping early. I know if it were me I would call and say sorry this time doesn't work. If we could eat at 4 we could attend but hubby needs to be home and getting ready for bed early. Good luck! No matter what you decide have a great dinner!!!
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