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Old 10-05-2012, 11:51 AM   #31
luvsJack
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Wishing on a star View Post
Yep, you really, really do need a way to learn how to navigate this...
You still have the pics on FaceBook and plan on scrapbooking them?????

I've seen a lot of this here on the DIS over the years.
My advice for parents is always to not get over-involved and over-attached.

I just posted this on the recent thread about a similar situation, the DD's first homecoming 'date'...


A kids dating and personal life just should be just that... THEIRS.
Not a 'family' event with over-attachment and drama, etc.
And, I don't even want to have to mention living vicariously thru one's kids... just throwing that in... not making any assumptions about this OP.
Now see, I think that parents knowing their kids friends and who they are dating is a good thing.

DD's bff is someone we adore. She is like our "other daughter" and even calls herself that. So, yes, we are attached to her. She spends a lot of time with us and at our home. We know her mom and are friends with her. She is taking the girls to a concert tonight and I am happy that I know her well enough to know that I trust her with my dd's safety and well being. I can feel that dd is just as safe as she would be with me.

Same thing with the bf that I mentioned. DD was invited to come over, spend time with the boy and his family and go to a haunted house with them. The father called and extended the invitation to all of us. Did we think the kids were going to stay together forever? No, of course not. Did we like the idea of knowing the people that dd was planning to spend time with? Yes. We were comfortable enough then to allow dd to spend time with her friend and his family and his family felt the same way letting him spend time with us.

Am I "living through my dd"? No. I have my own life, social circle and activities. But, I like to be comfortable in the fact that while my 14 year old is taking part in HER life, social circles and activities, she is with people that will look after her.

When a kid is around your house all the time, you get attached. That's just the way it is, at least for me and possibly for the OP too.

As for the scrapbooking of pictures, it's pictures of a part of her child's life. Why would she not keep the pictures?

I have pictures of dd and her ex-bf with friends at the fair. I haven't scrapbooked them because I don't scrapbook, but we do have them and there are with all the other pictures of her 8th grade year.

Of course some people can be too involved, I see it a lot. But there is such a thing as too little involvement too. Knowing who your child's friends are a big help in getting them through their teen years without so many of the issues that teens can face.

The OP isn't trying to marry her dd off to the boy. She isn't trying to adopt him. She liked the kid and hates that her dd broke it off. After some of the boys dd has met at hs, I do wish for the old bf back sometimes; but I wouldn't tell dd that nor would I try to convince her. Its just my opinion that I keep to myself.
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Old 10-05-2012, 12:31 PM   #32
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My son announced plans to marry his gf in May. They weren't formally engaged but would be in October and they began researching and visiting wedding venues. They were getting married in May of 2013. I treated the girl like family at that point. I had learned in the past to not get too involved with even gf's who seemed serious as they could be gone, but to always treat each one as though they could be a dil. This week the marriage was cancelled and they are not speaking. I would love an opportunity to speak to the girl for a few minutes. However, my loyalty is to my son first and I have to be careful about things. I know it can be tough. And apparently waiting until weddings are planned is not enough.
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Old 10-05-2012, 03:22 PM   #33
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I see many different sides to this. I was the youngest of 3 girls and always got attached to my older sister's boyfriends. Often, breakups hurt me as much or more than it hurt my sisters. These guys were like older brothers to me.

I'm still friends with one of my sister's BF's from HS (they are 52!) He's in Reba's band and got me tickets to her concert last year. When my father died 6 years ago, he drove from Nashville for the funeral. He and my sister have remained friendly and my BIL is also friends with him.

My family and his family used to do Thanksgiving dinners together and Christmas dinners together! His mom was a huge part of my life and we are friendly to this day! My mom and his mom have vacationed together many times.

I'm still friendly with an old boyfriend's family. I even do his mom's and sister's hair.

My sister went to one of my old boyfriend's wedding. Actually, this old BF came to my dad's funeral also--he just came and signed the book but it was still sweet of him to come pay his respects like that.

I have not gotten too attached to any of DD's BFs. There's only been 2 and one I liked a lot and one I did not care for at all, but she didn't either... lol

Now, as you have probably read on here, my BIL is divorcing my sister after 36 years. He's been around since I was 9 so, yes, I was attached. I loved him more than I loved her even. It has been really hard for me. That said, HE is leaving her for an 18yo girl who was my nephew's GF! Talk about TOO INVOLVED--well, there ya go!!! SO yes, I think you have to be careful about all this stuff but really, I am glad that I have had my sister's BF's family in my life. They're like family to me.
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Old 10-05-2012, 03:42 PM   #34
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I became attached to my son's first after high-school serious girlfriend. I was attached to his first girlfriend, too, but not like this one. When they broke up I did cry.

Luckily for me, they are friends, because she & I are friends, and we do things together. I did ask him if he was okay with that, which he was. She is up in San Francisco studying now, and when I was there she & I went to the Disney Museum. She has also been to our house for soup night (I host a soup night every now and then for the young people), and I was pleased that she & my son were relaxed together.

He does keep in touch with the first girlfriend, even though she's now married with a child. My son laughed and asked if I was going to continue to be friends with all his ex-girlfriends, and I told him that if he continues to bring them home then expect me to become friends with them. Of course, I would never do anything to make him uncomfortable, though.

I held back a little with his last girlfriend, though. I've learned not to get so attached. I am very friendly, but I don't let my heart run away anymore.
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Old 10-08-2012, 06:06 PM   #35
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Crazy your BIL is going for an 18yr old! I'm thinking her parents never met her boyfriends....


Quote:
Originally Posted by Buckalew11 View Post
I see many different sides to this. I was the youngest of 3 girls and always got attached to my older sister's boyfriends. Often, breakups hurt me as much or more than it hurt my sisters. These guys were like older brothers to me.

I'm still friends with one of my sister's BF's from HS (they are 52!) He's in Reba's band and got me tickets to her concert last year. When my father died 6 years ago, he drove from Nashville for the funeral. He and my sister have remained friendly and my BIL is also friends with him.

My family and his family used to do Thanksgiving dinners together and Christmas dinners together! His mom was a huge part of my life and we are friendly to this day! My mom and his mom have vacationed together many times.

I'm still friendly with an old boyfriend's family. I even do his mom's and sister's hair.

My sister went to one of my old boyfriend's wedding. Actually, this old BF came to my dad's funeral also--he just came and signed the book but it was still sweet of him to come pay his respects like that.

I have not gotten too attached to any of DD's BFs. There's only been 2 and one I liked a lot and one I did not care for at all, but she didn't either... lol

Now, as you have probably read on here, my BIL is divorcing my sister after 36 years. He's been around since I was 9 so, yes, I was attached. I loved him more than I loved her even. It has been really hard for me. That said, HE is leaving her for an 18yo girl who was my nephew's GF! Talk about TOO INVOLVED--well, there ya go!!! SO yes, I think you have to be careful about all this stuff but really, I am glad that I have had my sister's BF's family in my life. They're like family to me.
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Old 10-08-2012, 06:51 PM   #36
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Originally Posted by luvmyfam444 View Post
Crazy your BIL is going for an 18yr old! I'm thinking her parents never met her boyfriends....
oh yes...it is more sick than crazy (but it is crazy too!). He's 57. Yeah, you read that right--57! This has been going on for 3 years--you do the math!
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Old 10-08-2012, 10:34 PM   #37
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I have dearly likely a couple of DD's boyfriends. She is 28, about to finish her Master's Degree and single. I still meet them, but try not to get too attached. Hopefully, after she finished school.............................
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