OT -3 year old is insisting on being carried

[iuki]

Originally Posted by cornflake

From what I can tell from the OP, he needs to learn that tantrums don't work and he doesn't get to have his way at all times - things everyone has to learn.

According to the OP, he's walking to the car as she puts the baby in then throwing a wobbly because she won't go back to the house with him in order to carry him to the car. He won't ride in the cart at the market because he wants to be carried while she shops. That's not gee, he's actually tired out, that's he's jealous of the baby.

I'm not saying he's bad or abnormal or anything, that's pretty normal behaviour for his age and situation - but you don't give in to it and allow a toddler with a little sibling rivalry to make you do ridiculous things or get his way by pitching a fit in private or public.

I was fortunate enough to have children that were easy to raise. I have seen family members who have had multiple children with very different personalities. There are children who have personalities that normal discipline does not work for them. Different personalities require different disciplines.

[mrsbornkuntry]

Originally Posted by Schmeck

MSSANDRA, you're mentioning your son, so that feeds into my question - do moms coddle their boys more than their girls? Sounds like the answer is yes so far.

Actually, the infant/toddler years are the years that the brain does most of its hardwiring, so coddling, which I associate with learned dependence and a feeling of neediness, doesn't seem to really be helpful at all. This does not mean that a parent doesn't show love and affection, caring and security, but it does mean that encouraging independence as soon as possible helps a child become a more independent, productive person.

A very untestable theory I have, unless anyone wants to lend me their baby for 4-5 years, BTW I don't think anyone wants to be in the control group either, LOL! It's just one I've developed working in school systems for over 15 years.

Well, I have a girl and 4 boys and I agree with the other posters, 3 is not that old. Some kids are still potty training at that point. Rushing them through to be "independent" and pushing them to do things before they're ready doesn't do any good for them and (in the case of potty training) can cause physical harm. Not to mention, if you push them to do things before they're ready and they're dealing with a new baby they may rebel and make things more difficult in the long run.

One of my children didn't start reading until kindergarten, he ended up in the gifted program when he was in 3rd grade and is now a freshman getting straight A's in honors classes so obviously whether he'd started in kindergarten or at 3 he's still successful. And we're very proud that he dresses himself, too My daughter started reading at 4 and is in the same boat in high school, straight A's, honors classes, etc. Children progress at different rates and there's no set age where they are automatically prepared to do everything for themselves.

[nessz79]

Originally Posted by MSSANDRA

I would try positive actions. Remind him he is a big boy. Hand him something special to hold and give him a job to help with the baby like maybe helping get the baby into the car seat. Try to plan special big boy activities for just you and him. Make cookies and surprise daddy, read a big boy book, all kinds of things the baby does not do.

Also, remember that 3 is not really so far from being a baby. Why not pick him up sometimes.Those little legs do get tired, it hard to see things from 3 feet tall and something we all just need a little hug. Be very sure not to carry him if he is being ugly about being carried, but sometimes if you just give him a little bit of what he wants and needs, he will be happy with that.

At WDW try to create some boundaries that will work for you both. Maybe say that you will carry him in ride lines from one particular place to another and then he has to get down. Or, you can carry him in the food line to you order and then he has to walk or ride in the stroller. Make the stroller attractive to him. Make sure it is comfortable, has a drink holder etc, and maybe ask him to hold the babies hand in the stroller.

I know it is hard now but in just a few short years, you will be saying you would like to carry him one more time!

I agree with all of this. I would try to use as much positive reinforcement as possible and even occasionally carry him for short distances. At home, spend some time just cuddling with him while someone else cuddles or cares for the baby. It's hard still being little and having a younger sibling. Mine were 19 months apart and I totally understand how hard it is, but try to make some extra cuddle/carry time for the oldest one, too.

[nessz79]

Originally Posted by littlebit0863

Thank you all so much for your replies. Ds does get lots of kisses and cuddles, and I try to make sure they get equal alone time. I hold him in my lap, but confess I don't carry him often, and especially not if he is throwing a fit. I am 5 feet tall and he is 3 feet tall, definitely not comfortable to hold him and try to walk too! There is a long walk from my house to the car and there is no way to carry them both unless I leave one child alone in the car out of my sight. (not happening.) I hope this is a small phase and he will outgrow it soon. I appreciate all the parenting advice I can get so thank you all.

Sorry I just saw this (my above post didn't reflect this). I agree not to carry him if he's throwing a fit. I'm sure you are doing the best you can. Maybe just hold him now and then inside the house while you're standing, but not walking. And then, "negotiate" walking to the car and around the grocery store. "If you walk by yourself to the car and in the grocery store today, you get a sticker. If you do it all week, I'll take you out for ice cream." Just be prepared to follow through. This worked for my boys when they were going through a separation anxiety phase in preschool (and the first 2 weeks of Kindergarten) where they were making it difficult for me to leave them and go to work. Not only did this work for that moment, but they soon forgot about having fits altogether and I no longer had to bribe/negotiate with them.

[disneymomoftwins]

See if he will skip or race to the car with you. Maybe making it more of a game will make it more appealing to him. Take him a toy shopping cart to the store and make sure there is stuff put into his cart for him to push.

[cornflake]

Originally Posted by iuki

I was fortunate enough to have children that were easy to raise. I have seen family members who have had multiple children with very different personalities. There are children who have personalities that normal discipline does not work for them. Different personalities require different disciplines.

Sure but just carrying him whenever he demands it and giving him what he wants when he pitches a fit to get it isn't any discipline at all.

[SaraJayne]

Originally Posted by iuki

I was fortunate enough to have children that were easy to raise. I have seen family members who have had multiple children with very different personalities. There are children who have personalities that normal discipline does not work for them. Different personalities require different disciplines.

I agree that different personalities require different approaches. My children are very different, personality-wise. One is very bull-headed and difficult and the other is a people-pleaser and would be considered "easier".

That still doesn't mean I give into them.

[kohlby]

If my three year old wants to be carried, then I normally will carry him for short distances. He is 41" tall and I'm 61", but it's really not that hard. However, if he wants it for longer distances - or for something like grocery shopping -then it's not happening. It's just not possible. A 3 year old is old enough to understand it's too hard to carry him much. I tell him that he's getting so big so I can't carry him for longer distances anymore. You can tell your son that you can't carry him since he's big but he can have extra time in your lap. Or that your hubby can carry him. There's been times my husband has carried kids much older than 3 before just because he thought they might feel left out. They wouldn't have thrown a tantrum about it after 3, but he was in tune with their needs.

As for Disney, get him used to the stroller before you go if possible. None of my kids are stroller kids. That worked fine at Disney when my oldest was 3. It worked fine when my second child was 3 at Disney. It did not work with my youngest during our last trip - at 2.5 years old. He would not go in the stroller. And he would not walk. Luckily, I had thrown in a sling. He does have sensory issues so I'm sure that plays a part, but some is just being a normal 2/3 year old. That child is 3.5 years old now and does still have tantrums - it's not that uncommon at that age. I don't give in. If I say I won't carry him, then I don't. But I'm careful to only say what I really can't do. With a baby, it makes sense that you can't carry both. (Though there were many, many times I had to carry my first two at the same time. My oldest's sensory issues made him a wild child. That meant I often had to pick him up to leave wherever we were - and he was a huge kid. Thank goodness the baby was in the sling!)

[justhat]

Originally Posted by Schmeck

Some of you really think a 3 year old is close to being a baby, and still a toddler?

At 3, both of my girls were reading, participating in sports, getting themselves dressed, and had simple chores to do around the house. It seems that the preschoolers being referred to as 'not far from being a baby' and 'toddler' are boys? Do moms baby their little boys more than their girls?

Originally Posted by Schmeck

MSSANDRA, you're mentioning your son, so that feeds into my question - do moms coddle their boys more than their girls? Sounds like the answer is yes so far.

Actually, the infant/toddler years are the years that the brain does most of its hardwiring, so coddling, which I associate with learned dependence and a feeling of neediness, doesn't seem to really be helpful at all. This does not mean that a parent doesn't show love and affection, caring and security, but it does mean that encouraging independence as soon as possible helps a child become a more independent, productive person.

A very untestable theory I have, unless anyone wants to lend me their baby for 4-5 years, BTW I don't think anyone wants to be in the control group either, LOL! It's just one I've developed working in school systems for over 15 years.

I have 2 daughters and a son, and I truly don't think I coddle my son more than my girls. My youngest likely is carried the most simply because she's the youngest. When my oldest was her age (2.75yo), I already had #2, so she was not carried much since I had a baby. My 2nd was this age when I got pregnant with #3, so with my severe morning sickness, that pretty much ended him being carried. So I guess he got more time, but due to circumstance. He was always on the move though, so I can't say he actually wanted to be carried much at all. My 3rd, she gets held a lot, simply because it is easier to watch 3 of them if I have one in my arms. She HATES it for the most part and prefers to walk, but it just isn't always the easiest for me so she gets what she gets. And, incidentally, I was pregnant with #4 but had an ectopic pregnancy. In the 5 weeks I had morning sickness, she primarily walked too.

So anyway, I didn't really have a cutoff age for holding my kids if they asked to be held, regardless of gender. And all 3 were/are getting themselves dressed, in preschool, using the toilet, etc., well before age 3. (None of them were remotely reading by 3yo, but I don't see that as an independence or responsibility thing. My older 2 read at different ages, my oldest around 4.5yo when she started, but really "read" (like chapter books) at 5.5yo. My son was about 5.5yo when actual reading clicked together, but even now at 6yo he isn't nearly the reader his sister was at this age. We read with him just as much as we did with her, she just took off with a love of books that he hasn't quite found.) So they were definitely raised to be very independent, but I didn't see carrying them periodically as coddling.



OP, I think your issue is more with the tantruming and insisting you do what your son wants than carrying. I mean, I can see him turning this into "I want candy!!!" if you indulged the carrying, or whatever. See what I mean? I do think it is related to his sister, but still not something you should have to tolerate. I would keep holding firm, some kids take longer to realize you're serious than others. I have one like that. I would simply sit in the car till he is willing to walk to the car. For the grocery store, if he is in the cart and safe, I would keep shopping while he tantrums. I know it's annoying to everyone else, but I am sure he sees leaving as him "winning" in a sense. What 3yo wants to grocery shop? Alternative, bring a stroller and use the basket for your stuff. You have to go more often, but at least you can strap him in and walk around while knowing he can't jump out or whatever.

[mrsbornkuntry]

I just thought of something that would work with my DS when he was getting bigger, he has ODD so it's really easy to set off a tantrum with him so I would joke with him. He would ask me to carry him and I would look at him like "are you crazy?" and say "Are you kidding? I'm not strong enough to carry you, you're a strong boy though, how about you carry me?" That usually got him giggling and distracted him enough for me to do what I needed to do.

[Marnm02]

My 3 year old DD has no siblings, but whenever she spends any amount of time with a baby (a few of my friends have them) she will insist that she's a baby too, and she will only talk baby talk and insist on being carried everywhere. I'm thinking it's just a phase...

FWIW, we just got back from WDW and DD never did the "I'm a baby" thing, despite seeing many babies. We did argue a few times because she wanted to be a "big girl" and push her stroller, which wasn't a good idea in the crowds. I sure wish she'd just be happy to be her own age more often

[Sheaboys]

Originally Posted by Schmeck

Some of you really think a 3 year old is close to being a baby, and still a toddler?

At 3, both of my girls were reading, participating in sports, getting themselves dressed, and had simple chores to do around the house. It seems that the preschoolers being referred to as 'not far from being a baby' and 'toddler' are boys? Do moms baby their little boys more than their girls?

No we don't..I am the mom to 5 Boys! I was taken back by this response, seriously. Now, none of my kids began sports at age 3, it is not offered in our small town, begins at age 4, for tball only and it used to be age 5, until last year they changed it. All of mine, have chores, even my 3 yr old. They all pick up after themselves. The older ones do much more. But the younger 2, pick up their dinner plates, keep their room clean, make their beds to the best of their ability and put their folded laundry away. They will even sweep and mop, or try too.
Is he still a toddler yes. Can he write his name yes, read simple letters, yes, count yes, write numbers, yes. Is he still a toddler yes. Can he dress himself, yes, put shoes on, button and zip his coats, yes. But is he still a toddler yes.
Is he a baby no, is he "the baby" yes. Does he ask to be carried, sometimes, sometimes he will stand at the top of the stairs and ask and won't budge. He is not jealous of anyone younger, since he is the youngest. It is just him testing how far I will go. Do I give in, depends on what I am doing.
I enjoy every minute of him wanting me to hug, kiss, carry him. Time goes by so fast. I now look at "my first born baby" who is now 14 and a freshmen in highschool and think, wow, that went by so fast.

I don't agree with giving in, to just give in, I don't agree with throwing tantrums. Each parent handles them differently and in their own way. If you feel strongly about not carrying him at a specific moment in time, then don't and stick to your guns. If you want to give in, then go, give in. He is not a 10 yr old asking to be carried.

[badblackpug]

OP,

All the arguing about babying and babies aside, I just thought of something.

My last 2 kids were close in age so there was a lot of jealousy about the baby from my daughter. As opposed to others who have answered, I don't see you as never wanting to pick the boy up, what I see is that he is demanding to be carried at a time or in a situation when it is not possible.

...but anyway, my daughter acted out so badly after the baby came. She was actually destructive! The stories are funny now, but at the time it was so exasperating. time when I went to put the baby down for a nap she went in the fridge and threw a dozen eggs on the floor (apparently 1 by 1) Another time she got an industrial sized jar of peanut butter out of the cabinet and was blissfully eating it with her hands and wiping them on the couch. She threw all the baby's clothes in the trash can. She took all his toys and hid them under her bed. Things were not fun, but it's funny now. She is 4, he is 2, almost 3.

...but I digress... I remember now, that that was about the time we decided she needed more socialization and stimulation. We started her in pre-school. She absolutely flourished. Maybe you could look into even a part time program?

[CaoilinnsMom]

My daughter, 3 1/2, likes to be carried often. She is tall and dense, all muscle. I put her on my back and carry her in my ergo. If you think this behavior can ruin your vacation, maybe try borrowing a carrier from a friend and trying it out. Go for some walks, tell him it is a special treat for tired little boys. Mine has kept me from leaving the grocery store many a time. You should be able to carry your son much longer distances than on your hip. I agree with the OP,this times precious. I am in no hurry for my little one to grow up and be independent. It will happen in it's own time.

[Schmeck]

Originally Posted by Sheaboys

No we don't..I am the mom to 5 Boys! I was taken back by this response, seriously. Now, none of my kids began sports at age 3, it is not offered in our small town, begins at age 4, for tball only and it used to be age 5, until last year they changed it. All of mine, have chores, even my 3 yr old. They all pick up after themselves. The older ones do much more. But the younger 2, pick up their dinner plates, keep their room clean, make their beds to the best of their ability and put their folded laundry away. They will even sweep and mop, or try too.
Is he still a toddler yes. Can he write his name yes, read simple letters, yes, count yes, write numbers, yes. Is he still a toddler yes. Can he dress himself, yes, put shoes on, button and zip his coats, yes. But is he still a toddler yes.
Is he a baby no, is he "the baby" yes. Does he ask to be carried, sometimes, sometimes he will stand at the top of the stairs and ask and won't budge. He is not jealous of anyone younger, since he is the youngest. It is just him testing how far I will go. Do I give in, depends on what I am doing.
I enjoy every minute of him wanting me to hug, kiss, carry him. Time goes by so fast. I now look at "my first born baby" who is now 14 and a freshmen in highschool and think, wow, that went by so fast.

I don't agree with giving in, to just give in, I don't agree with throwing tantrums. Each parent handles them differently and in their own way. If you feel strongly about not carrying him at a specific moment in time, then don't and stick to your guns. If you want to give in, then go, give in. He is not a 10 yr old asking to be carried.

Can I follow your family to observe? Just, kidding of course, but I am curious to see how all 5 boys (bless you!) develop, who moves out earliest, etc. I really do see a trend at our school - the youngest boy in the family, especially if he is the youngest sibling, seems to be the coddled, indulged child, very rarely half as successful in school as siblings, etc. This is especially true if the parents are divorced.