Disney Information Station Logo

Go Back   The DIS Discussion Forums - DISboards.com > Just for Fun > Community Board
Find Hotel Specials & DIScounts
 
facebooktwitterpinterestgoogle plusyoutubeDIS UpdatesDIS email updates
Register Chat FAQ Tickers Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read





Reply
 
Thread Tools Rate Thread Display Modes
Old 10-04-2012, 01:39 PM   #46
Jill in Chicago
DIS Veteran
 
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Suburb of Chicago
Posts: 1,138

Is your husband a person who says what he means and means what he says? If he is stay home.

The flip side of this is hard to explain so I will give an example. My BFF and her husband are having major financial issues. She turned 50. They both agreed there was absolutely no money for gifts. She agreed. The morning of her birthday she could not believe that he didn't get her anything except a card. She wanted him to figure out something, or as she said, "At the very least flowers."

In his mind they both agreed "nothing." He bought a card. Done. In her mind she wanted him to come up with a way to give her a nice gift. If he had planned a free outing, walk... this would not have counted.

In her mind her husband knows how important gifts are to him and he should have "known" that even though she agreed to no gifts deep down she really wanted gifts.

You know your husband. Would he be pleasantly surprised if you said, "I'm going," or would he be hurt/insulted that you didn't do what he asked?
Jill in Chicago is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-04-2012, 03:11 PM   #47
Nancyg56
DIS Veteran
 
Nancyg56's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: CT
Posts: 15,480

Sleepymom- the thing is that your DH realizes that if there are issues that his family want to use to blame you about they will do it. He also probably realizes that the whole family dynamic is about him, not you. How they treat you or how they blame you for anything is not really about you but how they feel about him.

At my DH Grandmother's funeral we overheard his sister telling his Mom to '"stick her at the back of the pack" and that is exactly where they put me. DH was a pall bearer and while he was comfortable about our driving to the Church and the cemetery because somehow all of the pall bearers came with me, he was very upset in Church and at the cemetery itself because he thought that I would be alone. He reached out to his cousins for me to sit with them and I was fine. He told me that this whole thing was not about how his family felt about me, it was about how they felt about hm. If they cared about him they would never try to hurt me..............they would know they were hurting him.

It was at that point when I decided that it would be better for DH to go to some of these family events without me because while I could handle the drama as these people were not my family, DH could not. He was upset for me, worried abut me and my feelings, and concerned about my welfare.

It sounds to me as if your DH is somewhat the same. If your IL's are upset with you and are blaming you for decisions that your DH made they will find someway to make this about you. Let your DH remove you from teh drama, his and theirs. He will probably thank you.
__________________
Nancyg56 is offline   Reply With Quote
|
The DIS
Register to remove

Join Date: 1997
Location: Orlando, FL
Posts: 1,000,000
Old 10-04-2012, 04:36 PM   #48
SleepyMom
DIS Veteran
 
SleepyMom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: S D
Posts: 1,951

DH and I had another talk this afternoon, and I explained that both girls will be busy that day and I won't be spending time with them anyways... so I am free to go with him if he wants me to.

He is still of the mindset that I am not going, so I will not be going. I feel bad, I think it is going to be a tough day for him and I want to be there for him, but I will wait until he gets home and be there for him at that time.

Thanks everyone for the kind words, it did help me to see I should back down and do this his way.
__________________
SleepyMom

NEXT UP... Moving youngest DD to WDW for her DCP, August 2014!!! January 2014 - 15 people seeing the World! Jan 2013 ~ Birthday trip for DD Oct 2011 ~ Mother/youngest DD, DSisIL & DNiece Jan 2011 ~ Mother/oldest DD trip May 2010 ~ Surprise Trip!!!
February 2009 ~ Girls Trip ~ SIL, DNiece, 2DD's and me! 10/07 Our family of 4 and Brothers family of 5 6/05 Family trip - DL & DCA
11/04 Mother/youngest Daughter trip - WDW 9/02 Family trip - US/IOA, SW & DC, WDW 12/99 Family trip - WDW & SW
7/91 First Family trip - DL
SleepyMom is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-04-2012, 04:40 PM   #49
smitch425
DIS Veteran
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Dayton, OH
Posts: 11,705

Quote:
Originally Posted by SleepyMom View Post
DH and I had another talk this afternoon, and I explained that both girls will be busy that day and I won't be spending time with them anyways... so I am free to go with him if he wants me to.

He is still of the mindset that I am not going, so I will not be going. I feel bad, I think it is going to be a tough day for him and I want to be there for him, but I will wait until he gets home and be there for him at that time.Thanks everyone for the kind words, it did help me to see I should back down and do this his way.


I think you made the right choice.
smitch425 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-04-2012, 08:26 PM   #50
carrie1626
DIS Veteran
 
carrie1626's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2001
Location: WI
Posts: 2,423

Quote:
Originally Posted by SleepyMom View Post
Egads, this is harder to explain than I thought.

The deceased is DH's sister, and because of issues between her and their Mom the sister has not been included into the family for many years. DH was still very young when this all happened. She was 2nd oldest and he is the baby.

We have had contact with her over the years by phone and mail, but she has never wanted to see us and I tried to respect that. I don't begin to understand the reasons, I was last to marry into the family and it was all history by that point.

I was close to her daughter (DH's niece) who was raised by DH's mom. She has moved away and I have not seen her for about 7 years now. I sat outside DH's sisters hospital room with Dniece for a week when the sister had a stroke. Because of the stroke she did not want to meet me that way and asked that I not come in, I respected that and continued to be there for the niece who had asked me to come and stay with her between visits to see her Mom in the ICU.

It is all very complicated, but the family dynamic is not the best because of how they were all raised.
I would tell husband that you intend to go to give your condolences to said sister's niece.
__________________
I wish I were at WDW everyday
2000 NOV Polynesian 2001 OCT AS Music 2002 AUG Grosvenor DD 2003 AUG DoubleTree DD 2004 NOV Port Orleans French Quarter 2006 NOV POP Century 2010 AUG Animal KingdomLodge 2011 NOV Animal Kingdom Lodge 2012 NOV HGVC Internat'l Dr 25th Anniversary trip 2013 DEC Pop/CBR next trip not soon enough
carrie1626 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-04-2012, 08:51 PM   #51
mickeysgal
Orange you glad I like Knock Knock jokes?
"I am Mrs. Nesbitt" - Buzz Lightyear
 
Join Date: Feb 2001
Posts: 6,661

Quote:
Originally Posted by The Mystery Machine View Post

Believe me, you have not lived until you had to hire 2 police officers to be at a visitation/funeral. That is some serious drama there.
Wow - that sounds like there is a good, made-for-TV story in there.

OP, it sounds like you want to go. Otherwise, you would have taken his advice, agreed with it, and gone about your weekend plans with your girls.

What do you want to do? It is your family as well, albeit by marriage. I'd feel funny if I was the only spouse that wasn't there.

Does your husband not want you to go because he thinks you may get too swept up in the drama and that he is best handling it alone?

While the sister may have been estranged from the family, you aren't estranged from the rest of the family and often we attend funerals/wakes to both give and get support to/from others. I'd want to be there for them - especially the niece.
mickeysgal is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply



Thread Tools
Display Modes Rate This Thread
Rate This Thread:

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump

facebooktwitterpinterestgoogle plusyoutubeDIS Updates
GET OUR DIS UPDATES DELIVERED BY EMAIL



All times are GMT -5. The time now is 11:17 PM.

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.4
Copyright ©2000 - 2014, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.

Copyright © 1997-2014, Werner Technologies, LLC. All Rights Reserved.