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Old 10-03-2012, 04:03 PM   #316
MakiraMarlena
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Let's see. The husband is having a year-long affair with a teenage friend of the family. He won't give up the girl and he doesn't want the baby and is in fact blaming his wife for getting pregnant.

However, she's considering staying with him and has a whole lot of reasons. (health insurance, doesn't want to impose on parents, divorce is messy, etc). So she'll have to decide if she'd rather put up with all that or with a guy who doesn't want the kid, is liable to be an emotional risk to the kid's psyche, and intends to keep the relationship with the teenager no matter how abusive she is to him or to his wife. It's quite a choice but needs to be made.

I'd call the parents, and work on getting back to Canada.
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Old 10-03-2012, 04:18 PM   #317
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I don't think she is considering staying with him.
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Old 10-03-2012, 05:11 PM   #318
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MakiraMarlena View Post
Let's see. The husband is having a year-long affair with a teenage friend of the family. He won't give up the girl and he doesn't want the baby and is in fact blaming his wife for getting pregnant.

However, she's considering staying with him and has a whole lot of reasons. (health insurance, doesn't want to impose on parents, divorce is messy, etc). So she'll have to decide if she'd rather put up with all that or with a guy who doesn't want the kid, is liable to be an emotional risk to the kid's psyche, and intends to keep the relationship with the teenager no matter how abusive she is to him or to his wife. It's quite a choice but needs to be made.

I'd call the parents, and work on getting back to Canada.
Give the kid a break will ya!

She has just found out what she has been married to. She's at a low point in her life when and all her dreams and hopes have just been crushed, and she has pregnant horomones to deal with. Sheeesh, talk about kicking someone when they are down! She needs to sort out what she will be doing, making some very important decisions that will effect her and her son for the rest of their lives. No one is saying she is going to stay with him- she herself isn't sure what she should do. That is why she is posting, to get some other perspectives in her plans. From her posts, moving to Canada is a very real possibility, or she wouldn't have mentioned it in the first place. She needs people to bounce ideas off of, and support. I really hope you didn't mean for your post to have the tone I read in it.
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Old 10-03-2012, 06:28 PM   #319
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Originally Posted by pampam View Post
Give the kid a break will ya!

She has just found out what she has been married to. She's at a low point in her life when and all her dreams and hopes have just been crushed, and she has pregnant horomones to deal with. Sheeesh, talk about kicking someone when they are down! She needs to sort out what she will be doing, making some very important decisions that will effect her and her son for the rest of their lives. No one is saying she is going to stay with him- she herself isn't sure what she should do. That is why she is posting, to get some other perspectives in her plans. From her posts, moving to Canada is a very real possibility, or she wouldn't have mentioned it in the first place. She needs people to bounce ideas off of, and support. I really hope you didn't mean for your post to have the tone I read in it.
ITA! She also never said she was staying with him, but not sure if she wants to leave her job and the USA. She has a life, even without him here in the states. Also, feelings of love aren't attached to a an on/off switch. Wow, how easy life would be if it were!! All those therapists and shrinks would be outta business! LOL
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Old 10-03-2012, 08:17 PM   #320
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I've been reading all the posts and thinking about you. Today I thought of "regrets". I don't know if I'll be able to convey my thoughts so bear with me. I would look at your next step with what you may or may not regret less in the coming years, and what would be an easier regret to fix.

Having a baby in Canada... what might be the regrets and what problems could be easier fixed.

Having a baby in California... Again what might be the regrets and what problems could be easier fixed.

I still say get the heck out of Dodge... Not only could your DH end up with some visitation rights, but that crazy girl could end up near your baby. ughhh, that thought makes my skin crawl.

this is a tough decision and I sure am hoping and praying for you.
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Old 10-03-2012, 08:24 PM   #321
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Originally Posted by PRINCESS VIJA View Post
I've been reading all the posts and thinking about you. Today I thought of "regrets". I don't know if I'll be able to convey my thoughts so bear with me. I would look at your next step with what you may or may not regret less in the coming years, and what would be an easier regret to fix.

Having a baby in Canada... what might be the regrets and what problems could be easier fixed.

Having a baby in California... Again what might be the regrets and what problems could be easier fixed.

I still say get the heck out of Dodge... Not only could your DH end up with some visitation rights, but that crazy girl could end up near your baby. ughhh, that thought makes my skin crawl.

this is a tough decision and I sure am hoping and praying for you.
Yikes! I had not thought of that.
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Old 10-03-2012, 08:36 PM   #322
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I know that I am stirring it, but I would tell crazy chick's parents and his parents as well. Not the popular choice. JMHO.
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Old 10-03-2012, 09:59 PM   #323
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I'm sorry you're going through this. You've gotten great advice. One thing I will add, in case it wasn't suggested, is that I'd talk to as many top-notch lawyers in your area as possible.....so that your husband won't be able to retain any of them. Nasty? Perhaps, but he deserves to have to struggle to find a good lawyer.
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Old 10-03-2012, 10:44 PM   #324
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OP, I have gone through this personally. I am going to PM you. Sending tons of hugs your way.

That being said, please put a pin number or a lock on your cell phone. Your husband WILL try to get your phone and delete those messages. He brought it up in conversation, asking why you were keeping them. They are worrying him, he KNOWS his little wench is going to get into a heap of trouble for them. Do not put it past him. He will try to get that phone and delete evidence.

This is the hardest thing you will ever go through. I am not going to sugar coat it. It WILL get better though, I promise. Keep your head as level as possible, let him leave on his own. If he leaves, he is abandoning his home, and that will work in your favor.

I would also tell everyone under the sun. His parents, her parents, etc. I am spiteful like that
I am telling you either screen shots of the text or forward them to your email. Keep the phone with you at all times, and put a password, but if he wants that phone to disappear he he going to take it and break it. I'd forward the texts to a trusted friend too for safe keeping.
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Old 10-04-2012, 03:03 AM   #325
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I have no advice for you... I just wanted to send my best wishes to you and the baby.

You have a lot of people in your corner!!!

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Old 10-04-2012, 03:16 AM   #326
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I just wanted to check in on you. I see things appear to be still up in the air. I like the suggestion to speak with as many lawyers as possible. Never thought about that but it is a good idea!

I will keep you and your baby in your thoughts.
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Old 10-04-2012, 10:28 AM   #327
JoiseyMom
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One thing you should do, is to open new credit card/s in your name only, and to DROP him or close any credit card/s you have with him, or remove yourself from his!
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2004 August - My surprise trip (no kids)!!! Pop/Poly/GF/AKL; 2004 Nov - Jersey Week AKL & Timeshare
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Old 10-04-2012, 10:30 AM   #328
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Originally Posted by ForAandA View Post
I know that I am stirring it, but I would tell crazy chick's parents and his parents as well. Not the popular choice. JMHO.
I'm with you on telling her parents, not so much his. AFTER getting all her stuff taken care of though. Getting to Canada, insurance, and settling in are more important I think.

However, if they are friends of the family, then they are friends. Friends deserve to know, IMHO. And once they find out (which they will) they'll end up being very angry with you not telling them I imagine. They'll probably be asking questions as the separation goes down of the parents, or other family members they are close to.

Again, low end of the totem pole on a list of things to do/figure out... but at some point I would say something.
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Old 10-04-2012, 10:40 AM   #329
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[QUOTE=karensi;46338503]
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I would also be out of there in a NY minute & giving birth in Canada no matter HOW much it costs.

Also OP, OB does not want you to leave not only because of the liability factor but also because the OB will not get paid for services rendered.[/QUOTE]

Exactly what I was thinking!

Also wondering if your Mom might be able to give you the phone # of a lawyer where she lives. Maybe she knows someone ( a lawyer that is) or maybe there is a friend of a friend, in Canada, who would speak with you for a few minutes and who could give you some answers to some very important questions about moving back.
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OP, I think this is a great idea as well as speaking to your U.S. lawyer; between the two of them, you'd probably understand all of your options better from both legal systems' standpoints. I am with the others who strongly recommend going back to Canada ASAP!

I dealt with child custody issues with my ex that took over four years to be resolved and during that time I was legally prohibited from moving further than 60 miles from where my ex lived. If I did, I instantly lost custody. My ex purposely did that to prevent me from moving back in with my parents, who lived in a different state. I can't imagine how muxh more difficult it would have been if we were talking international legal issues. I would drive, take a train, fly, do anything to protect yourself and the baby NOW!!

Unless he signs away all rights, it will only get worse.
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Old 10-04-2012, 12:01 PM   #330
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The more I think about it the more I would leave right away. I would take FMLA and head to Canada. It really isn't that difficult to travel long distance while pregnant. Just make sure you don't lift anything too heavy, drink fluids and find the restrooms when needed.
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