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Old 09-27-2012, 03:41 PM   #31
honeylove
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I'm really sorry that you have to go through this. Like many have said, think things through, do everything based on what's best for your child and yourself. Look into getting the support you need from your parents; I am sure their daughter and future grandson take precedence in their lives!

Single parenting may not be the most easiest route, but you can do it, and it is worth it. As cliche as it may sound, your husband doesn't deserve you or your son. Lastly, you, don't deserve an ounce of crazy from the psychopath.

Hang in there....
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Old 09-27-2012, 03:42 PM   #32
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Sorry you are going through this. I'd go back home to your parents. I don't know much about custody issues, but if you have the baby in CA does your husband have to sign something allowing you to take the baby out of state to live? You need to keep the baby away from the wacky girlfriend. I'd move back right away and start a new life. Prayers for you.
I agree with this, He may not have to sign anything but he could prevent you from leaving if he filed custody papers in a court. I would leave and have my baby in Canada and let him sort out the rest!
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Old 09-27-2012, 03:55 PM   #33
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I am so sorry you and your baby have to go through this

Regardless of what you end up doing, find the most ruthless divorce lawyer NOW! Protect your joint assets NOW! Your husband is an immature, cruel jerk and I would put nothing past him. A good attorney can help you navigate this mess so you come out OK.

Be kind to yourself and gather the courage to tell your parents as soon as you can. You'll need their support all the more as it comes closer to the time to have your precious baby.

Your husband deserves the psycho chick and you deserve a better, happier life. I hope you both get what you deserve. ((((hugs))))
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Old 09-27-2012, 03:59 PM   #34
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GO NOW!!! while you can... I am so incredibly sorry you are going through all of this. Just plain stinks. He has said he resents you and the pregnancy, I can't imagine that it would get better once baby is born.

The inlaws may be sweet as pie now, but you already alluded to you are worried they might try to stop you from leaving. Someone whe really cares for YOU would not do that. They should support you and your happiness. This may sound harsh, but blood is thicker than water... would they side on his side? I don't know them, but I would be very careful.

Get the lawyer, get things in order, and take care of yourself and your baby boy.
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Old 09-27-2012, 04:01 PM   #35
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Call a divorce lawyer or even a local legal aid office immediately. You need to know what your options are. I want to tell you to go home to Canada and have the baby there but I don't want you to do anything that would jeopardize your situation legally. You don't want to find yourself in an international custody battle where the jerk claims you fled the country so he keeps the kid. You need good, solid legal advice NOW!
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Old 09-27-2012, 04:02 PM   #36
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Originally Posted by Mokat76 View Post
I am so sorry you and your baby have to go through this

Regardless of what you end up doing, find the most ruthless divorce lawyer NOW! Protect your joint assets NOW! Your husband is an immature, cruel jerk and I would put nothing past him. A good attorney can help you navigate this mess so you come out OK.

Be kind to yourself and gather the courage to tell your parents as soon as you can. You'll need their support all the more as it comes closer to the time to have your precious baby.

Your husband deserves the psycho chick and you deserve a better, happier life. I hope you both get what you deserve. ((((hugs))))

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Old 09-27-2012, 04:03 PM   #37
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Lots of great advice from folks here. This man is a pig (sorry). But get things in order here"

#1 Make dr. appt ASAP like tomorrow and get checked. Make dr. aware of stress you are under

#2 Let your parents AND his parents know what is going on. Let them know and if they can handle it, read them the text from this girl.

#3 I would take the block off her text. Just don't respond. HOWEVER you need to make a visit to the police with the threatening and disturbing text and file a report. Also lock those messages on your phone so they are not lost. A software update on your phone can cause them to all disappear. Better yet also make a scan of your whole phone and the messages.

#4 Before you go anywhere get $$ in order, like tonight, Print out bank and financial statements, cause this guy is gonna take you for a wild ride. Change ALL your log on's for your acounts. He most likely knows some of them. Even FB and DIS accounts cause this guy is shewed. Place all your private materials in your car or a hidden place.

#5 Do not leave your home unless it is so totally stressful for you and baby. Can you have rotating family or friends stay until the baby gets here.

#6 If you can try to record anything awful he says to you. Never know when it may come in handy

#7 Ask him take take temp residence somewhere else. Don't ask him to leave, but to take temp residence some place. Don't get over confrontational.

#8 Give belly hugs to that sweet little bundle in there, and tell him how much you love him. My heart goes out to you. Don't take crap fom this guy, but until this little one gets here watch your stress level. That is why dr. appt. fo tomorrow VERY important.

#9 Get a great attorney and don't make any major changes until baby is here. Make sure you have family or friends here for baby's birth. That is very important, and I would not include him in the birth if at all possible.
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Old 09-27-2012, 04:09 PM   #38
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The title says it all really. I'm 7 months pregnant with our first child and I found out yesterday that my husband has been having an affair for a little over a year. I honestly don't know what to do with myself - I keep going from angry to heartbroken to confused...it's all just such a mess. What do I do now?

Some of the details I found out from him:

-The girl he's having the affair with just turned 19 and just started her first year in college. That's right, she was literally JUST 18 when the affair started and was still in high school. She lives in another state and is the daughter of a friend of the family - DH has only actually met her three times when the family came to visit. The affair was mostly emotional, but there were aspects of it conducted over Skype, and things were physical when they saw each other (although he says they never slept together). DH and I are 29, so there's a 10 year age gap.

-This girl has some severe mental issues going on. She suffers from severe depression, has been known to self-harm and has tried to kill herself once. Since she found out I found out about the affair (literally about 24 hours), she's sent me the most evil text messages - telling me I should just kill myself rather than be a single mother, that I must be pathetic that my husband would cheat on me, etc. I showed them to DH, stupidly thinking he couldn't know how horrible she could be - he basically didn't care.

-This baby was unplanned, and where I grew to be excited over time, DH has made it clear from the beginning he didn't really want him. He blames me because I was on the pill, and he thinks I must have forgotten to take it or something. When I was confronting him about the affair, he said that he felt like his life was going to be over, that he would always resent me for getting pregnant (he takes no responsibility for this, like it was an immaculate conception or something) etc. I feel so, so terrible for my baby boy that his father could say things like that about him

-All my family lives in a small town in Canada, whereas DH and I (and all his family) live in California. I haven't told anyone about this yet because I don't know what to do. My parents are comfortable financially and I know they would take me back in a heartbeat, but my father just retired and they're having a great time travelling and enjoying each others company - I'd hate to impose upon them with a newborn baby. DH and I own a house, and if we divorce I should get half of everything, but that wouldn't happen overnight.

-For those wondering what DH wants to do (if anyone is still reading), he says he's miserable with me and would be miserable with a baby - and that this girl makes him happy. But then he tells me he can't bring himself to divorce me and regardless, I'm on his health insurance and we need to stay married until the baby gets here. I just can't believe he could choose to leave his wife and unborn child for a relationship with a college freshman! When I asked if the affair had been continuous for the last year, he admitted that it hadn't, and they'd had ups and downs because she could be cruel and hurtful at times. I can't put into words how horrible it makes me feel that he would choose this person over me - how bad am I that he would pick someone like that instead?

I think that's it - like I said, I haven't told anyone this stuff so this is the first time I've gotten it all out like this. I should add I am a regular Diser, but this is all such a nightmare, I'd rather not have it linked to my normal account at this point.

I don't know what I'm looking for here to be honest - I guess advice on what to do next. I know there have been threads like this in the past so I know there must be other Disers out there that have been through something similar, although I hope they are few and far between, I wouldn't wish this feeling on anyone.
I would hire an attorney tomorrow and start divorce proceedings. Include in there that you are moving back to Canada.

Not sure how you do that but if since he is so adamant on being miserable and not wanting this child you are at an advantage. As much as I HATE to say this, I would use this now.

I would NOT wait. Your dh is clear this is over.

I know you say you need his health insurance however what he has done to you is not worth staying there. Hire an attorney & pack your bags and go. I would not be able to look my dh in the face ever again if he did something like that to me.

So sorry. Many hugs. I cannot even imagine the shock you are in.
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Old 09-27-2012, 04:11 PM   #39
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I dealt with similar, but not different countries - different provinces. I am sure a lawyer will tell you similar advice as i was told. Do NOT start legal procedings regarding custody or child support in one place and plan to move as you can and most likely will be tied there until the procedings are over so to start the procedings where you wish to reside while dealing with it.

What ever you decide to do, please please talk to your family as you will need them more than ever during this no matter what you decide.

I to would plan to head back to Canada, but you have to make the choice that is right for you!!

So sorry you are going thru this and just remember he did not choose this other girl over you - thought he could have his cake and eat it to as he never left, he just played you both which makes him even more of a loser.

Just know you will be okay and take care of yourself as your little guy is depending on you and upon laying eyes on him you will be filled with incredible love that knows no bounds.
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Old 09-27-2012, 04:12 PM   #40
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Before I did this, I'd visit an attorney. He'll give you answers faster.


Dear wonderful OP,
This thread is *really* getting the pregnancy hormones rushing.
You need to do what you can to keep you and your son happy and healthy. Let your parents know of the situation, and they will surely offer help and advice, no parent wants their child to go through this. Ever. Getting yourself out of the situation, out of the house, and away from evil husband as soon as possible seems to be the best option. Make sure that everything that you do follows the law, you have documentation of events and messages, and you are keeping yourself in good shape for you and baby.
Do not waste the precious time left between now and B-day, each moment spent doing anything other than trying to get yourself out of this situation and staying healthy is lost and could really change how this all works out. Mentioning anything about this to either of them could makes them use their resources against you.
I really do wish you the best and am so sorry you have gotten into this situation.
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Old 09-27-2012, 04:14 PM   #41
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A good friend went through this, except they also had 2 other very young children. He moved out 2 weeks before the baby was born, and had been married for almost 10 years.

The mean things he is saying is to protect himself from the tremendous guilt he is trying not to feel (but should be). He is projecting his self hatred onto you - pretty much all cheating husbands do this to justify the affair.

I hate to say it, but I don't see a happy family outcome in this case (based on all of the divorces I've had friends go through - mid 40's, so a bunch). First thing is to get yourself set up financially (without him knowing). Hire an attorney (without him knowing). Get the attorney's advice on how to proceed.

You will probably go through a period of wanting him back, and feeling that it's something you did to cause this - get councelling, and hopefully you can get through this phase fast, and realize that it's just not true.

He is your mistake - the baby is the good resulting from this horrible mess.
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Old 09-27-2012, 04:22 PM   #42
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Despite all the anger and disgust and generally wondering what the heck happened in the last two days...I still love him. It's pathetic. A huge part of me doesn't want the two of them together because she'll end up hurting him. Seriously, that can't be normal, I'm supposed to hate him, I wish I did, it would make this a lot cleaner.
Your feelings, believe it or not, are completely normal for your situation. Try to find a divorce/infidelity group ASAP, for support and guidance.
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Old 09-27-2012, 04:28 PM   #43
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OP, I am SO sorry you are going through this.

Please be careful, though, about heading back to Canada to deliver the baby. In most provinces there is a three-month waiting period before you are eligible for health care upon return to Canada. You may be able to get that time waived, but it's something you need to explore before you make any decisions.
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Old 09-27-2012, 04:28 PM   #44
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Wow...that really sucks. I'm sorry but you're husbands sounds like an idiot. You deserve better. If it was me I'd go home and have my baby in Canada. You don't have to kiss your husbands butt for his health insurance. See a lawyer ASAP and figure out about what things you can take with you. He has to pay child support no matter where you live so don't worry about that. It may take some time for court and splitting up your assets. I'm sorry you're going through this.


ETA- you should make sure you have the baby in Canada and do your court stuff in Canada. You don't want to have to keep going back to CA everytime you have a court date. Unless you have some super valuable stuff I would probably just ditch the majority of the material stuff (couches, lamps etc). Sorting out all that stuff can take a long time.

Last edited by lizabu; 09-27-2012 at 04:34 PM.
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Old 09-27-2012, 04:32 PM   #45
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I am so sorry you're in this pickle. If you were my daughter (and I'm old enough to BE your Mother) I'd want you to come home. Call your parents and tell them everything--invcluding the fear that this girl is irrational--and I bet you can't get back home quick enough to suit them!!

Lots of other good advice given by others--especially getting checked for STD's and consulting a lawyer before you leave the state. Good luck and best wishes for you and your son.
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