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Old 09-27-2012, 04:04 PM   #16
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(((HUGS))) my best advice is to take care of you and your baby first off. For me, that would mean getting into therapy immediately to help me deal with it (you can check psychology today's website for a therapist directory that can be very helpful, its how I ended up finding my therapist years ago. many take insurance if money is an issue and usually it is listed in their blurb).

I went thru something similar (not pregnant, but had 3 young children when I found out dh was having an affair) several years ago and I found a book and website called divorce busting very helpful. people on boards like this were helpful for me, too, but it was really connecting to people who were in similar situations that really helped me heal/comes to terms with what was happening in my life and how to best cope/heal/progress forward.

journal. its amazing to me what just spewing my thoughts, even if they were jumbled emotional messes at times, down on paper did for me. still does.

good luck, and I wish you the best. keep the focus on you for now, not on him. he will make his own choices, you need to figure out what you need/want for yourself and your child with or without him.
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Old 09-27-2012, 04:07 PM   #17
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Leave immediately and go to your parents. File for divorce. Be done with it. From what you explained, this man has no redeeming qualities and, if there are some buried in there, it's going to be a long time for them to surface.

I am a parent. I can tell you, in a heartbeat, that I would be so upset if my adult child did not come to me over something like this. I don't care if I had every retirement dream getting ready to be fulfilled, I would not want my DD even wondering a MINUTE about what to do. If you have a good relationship with your parents and they've always come through for you, then go home now. You do not need this kind of strife at the end of your pregnancy.

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Old 09-27-2012, 04:11 PM   #18
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First thing I would do is tell your parents! They will take you back until you can get on your feet and help make sure all your legalities are in a row.

Do you have a friend you can stay with? It's not healthy staying in the same house.

DOCUMENT EVERYTHING. keep text messages, emails, etc. If he or she is stupid enough to leave you nasty voicemail, save that too.

Personally, I think you really need your family right now. I would move back. You are going to need a support system and it sounds like Canada is the best place. Get away from this looser and his family.

Agree with a previous poster who said they did you a favor... I know that sounds rough, but he sounds like a jerk that you are better off without... why be with someone who doesn't want this baby with you? Be grateful this happened now and not after the baby is born! You have time to plan a new life! A fresh start!!!

I was a single mom, living with my parents. Best decision I ever made was leaving my ex and starting over. You're young. It will be ok! You will meet someone who will love you and your son and be HAPPY to have you BOTH. It happened to me, and I'm loving my life!!! Sometimes, when a child is meant to be, a weird string of events need to take place first... your son is going to have a wonderful life with a great mom!

Focus on your baby and think of whats best for him! Children are a blessing. Believe me, you get back sooooo much more than you give!!!

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Old 09-27-2012, 04:13 PM   #19
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Honey, go home to your family. Don't wait. You and your little guy will be fine without this dirtbag around.

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Old 09-27-2012, 04:18 PM   #20
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I would leave him so fast it would make his head spin.

Here is a good resource. www.survivinginfidelity.com
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Old 09-27-2012, 04:18 PM   #21
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Make an appointment with an attorney--ASAP. Find out what your rights are and what your baby's rights are. Husband sounds immature and selfish-- not the person that you or your baby deserve. As hard as it is to consider, you need to start making plans for life as a single mom. It is hard--I am not gonna lie, but you can do this. You but you need to be strong for you and your sweet little boy. Lean on your family, they love you and will give you support.
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Old 09-27-2012, 04:24 PM   #22
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First let me just say I'm so very sorry you have to endure this horrible situation.

Next, am I the only one who is a little afraid of what this wacky girl is potentially capable of? Honestly, I'd get quite far away from HER if possible. I don't like the tone of her messages and I wouldn't put it past someone in that mental state to attempt to hurt you or whatever. She does sound quite unstable!! I would do whatever I could at this point to make sure you and your precious little boy are safe.

Go to your parents. Just because you're with them, doesn't mean they wouldn't be able to go anywhere ever again and have a life. They will. But they're family and they'll take care of you.

I wish you the best of luck going forward. Like others have said, get your ducks in a row on this one.


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Old 09-27-2012, 04:26 PM   #23
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I just wanna comment and say no one noticed calling to God. He will give you the answer you need. It may not be what you would of chose but he won't steer you in the wrong direction. All you have to do is pray and the answer will shock you but trust God. Your situation is in my prayers.
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Old 09-27-2012, 04:28 PM   #24
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Originally Posted by geauxvacation1 View Post
I just wanna comment and say no one noticed calling to God. He will give you the answer you need. It may not be what you would of chose but he won't steer you in the wrong direction. All you have to do is pray and the answer will shock you but trust God. Your situation is in my prayers.
Before I did this, I'd visit an attorney. He'll give you answers faster.
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Old 09-27-2012, 04:34 PM   #25
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Are you willing to leave him if he doesn't wanna work it out? Do y'all go to church anywhere ?
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Old 09-27-2012, 04:37 PM   #26
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I am so sorry this happened to you! Please tell your parents, I'm sure they would welcome you with open arms. And for goodness sake please don't think there is anything wrong with you! This is his doing. If he was unhappy with you he should've been upfront with you before getting you pregnant. If he really didn't want kids he could've protected himself, he didn't. I'm sending a big to you. Good luck.
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Old 09-27-2012, 04:39 PM   #27
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Originally Posted by geauxvacation1 View Post
Are you willing to leave him if he doesn't wanna work it out? Do y'all go to church anywhere ?
Um, the guy HAD SEX with an 18 year old while HIS WIFE was preggo. Pretty sure the only thing to work out is how much money this dolt will have to pay her each month for his kid and/or alimony.
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Old 09-27-2012, 04:39 PM   #28
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Thank you for such fast responses. I wanted to touch on what a few people have said.

As far as finances go, I'm just assuming from my shaky legal knowledge that I will be entitled to half of everything we purchased as a married couple, which is basically everything we own. I would have to rely on him to some extent to get things moving on selling the house, cars, etc.

We both have good jobs, I make slightly more than he does and he already made a comment about not wanting to pay child support because I have the higher income and "that's not fair." So that might be a battle. I actually don't know if a court can make him pay child support if I move to a different country. One reason I'm nervous to leave is my job - without going into detail, it's a job I'd have a hard time replacing in the area of Canada my parents live, and if I just up and leave, they won't hold it open for me here. Being unemployed at this point in my pregnancy was not on the cards - we have savings but a lot of them are tied up and it will take time to get them split up. As I said, my parents could finance things for a while, but gosh I hate to do that to them.

This sounds absolutely absurd, but I just never thought this would happen to me. No one in my family has ever gotten divorced, no single parents or anything. My parents are the sweetest, kindest people, and they love DH (they'll love him a lot less after this) - they're going to be so shocked. I just get short of breath even thinking about actually picking up the phone and calling them to tell them this.

I assumed custody would not be an issue - he said he wants nothing to do with this baby and I can take him with me. He did make some comment about me moving back to Canada and him never getting to see him, but I don't understand how he can say such opposite things at the same time. One problem will be his parents. They are sweet, generous people who have done SO much for this baby already - they bought everything for the nursery, a stroller and car seat, put a huge amount of money aside to start a college fund - and they're so excited to finally have a grandchild living nearby (their other four grandkids are on the east coast). I know they'll be devastated, and I actually wonder if my mother in law would legally try to stop me leaving.

I called my phone company and had the texts from this girl blocked because they were so horrible. She started forwarding me on messages from him - there was even one he sent her this afternoon while I'm sat here going through hell saying something like "in such a good mood today, miss you loads, can't wait to talk to you later." I have kept them, so I have them if necessary. There is no WAY this baby will be going near her.

I have definitely considered a therapist - I'm going to check out that Psychology Today website and look for someone that will take my insurance, even just for a week or two while I try to think things out.

Despite all the anger and disgust and generally wondering what the heck happened in the last two days...I still love him. It's pathetic. A huge part of me doesn't want the two of them together because she'll end up hurting him. Seriously, that can't be normal, I'm supposed to hate him, I wish I did, it would make this a lot cleaner.
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Old 09-27-2012, 04:41 PM   #29
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Originally Posted by jp24 View Post
Before I did this, I'd visit an attorney. He'll give you answers faster.
There is a famous saying, "Trust in God but tie up your horses." Also known in different regions as, "Trust in Allah but tie up your camels."

Originally Posted by abdmom View Post
I'm so sorry that this is happening to you. I'm sure others will give good advice regarding this idiot of a husband you find yourself with. However, as a Canadian who used to live in the U.S., do NOT feel that you have to stay married until the baby gets here. You can move back to Canada and take advantage of our wonderful health care system. I found that Canada, with all of its social safety nets, is a much better place to be with young children.
I had a friend whose husband flaked on her and this is exactly what she did. She went home to her family in Canada and her daughter was brought up well, safe and under the healthcare provided by Canada.
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Old 09-27-2012, 04:41 PM   #30
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Also, talk to your ob-gyn and arrange to be tested for STDs a.s.a.p. You have to consider your health and that of your child.
See a lawyer for advice.
Talk to your parents and decide what is in your best interests. I would suggest returning to Canada because that is where your support system is, you should be able to access healthcare. Leave the U.S. before you deliver.
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