US Wedding Etiquete

[Handbag Lady]

I have another thought for the Londoner.

When I was 18, I was engaged to a lovely British boy. His parents gave us a Carriage Clock and said it was a traditional English wedding gift.

I LOVED my Carriage Clock and cried when I had to give it back because I had called off the wedding. (I missed the clock more than I missed the boy.)

Is there something like that in your family that is a traditional gift to give?

[shoney]

The way I read this, the OP was asking (correct me if I am wrong)

IF the wedding registry was intentionally left out because the bride/groom did not expect a gift, since they were spending money to travel....

The answer was NO. It is not included in a wedding invitation, even if one exists. It has nothing to do with travel expenses.

In some areas, cash is the norm, so there wouldn't be a wedding registry. The wedding registry would have been for the shower. If that has taken place already, then usually there is nothing left to buy!

Now, that is not to say that the bride/groom are expecting a large expensive gift/cash or that they expect nothing. No one knows that. I personally wouldn't give "nothing" just because of the travel expenses. I would take that into consideration when deciding on how much to give.

[mickeyboat]

Originally Posted by SaraJayne

The same is true here, in the upper Midwest. Gifts are not just for showers.

This is a subject that has been debated over and over on the Dis, with those on the East coast insisting if you bring a gift other than cash, you may as well not attend.

The East Coast is a big place. I live on the East Coast (Vermont), but not in the NYC area. We do not "cover our plates." If we give cash, the amount depends on what we can afford and how close to the bride and groom we are. People bring actual gifts to the wedding, too.

I have also lived in NC, and lived there just before I got married 20 years ago. Most of my NC people sent gifts from the registry to my home before the wedding. Most of my VT people brought gifts to the reception. Most of the people from out of either state sent cards with money.

[Cindy B]

I just went to two different weddings last month. One was the first marriage for both, both young and recently graduated from college. This couple- had nothing in terms of housewares since this is the first home for the two of them. Even though cash is increasingly used, we did buy the couple a kitchen item off the registry (sent ahead of wedding) and did enclose some cash in the envelope. This was a ceremony outside with a reception at a state park (older building inside the park- Friday afternoon) . This wedding had a gift table AND a little envelope box. Many gifts were also brought.

The second wedding was a second marriage which was an informal gathering of close family and friends at a local golf club. The ceremony was done inside the reception room of the club and it was kept under wraps until the beginning of the ceremony (we all thought they eloped and this was the reception). My DH was asked to take pictures (he has a professional camera and does it semi pro). We asked for registry information and was not given any information. They did not have a honeymoon. So, DH gave them a CD of pictures as requested. DH didn't spend much time talking at the reception, more photographers duties. DH wasn't paid and he wouldn't have dreamed of asking. We also got them a Lenox picture frame and a large amount of a restaurant gift certificate for a nicely priced restaurant in this area. (well known seafood and steakhouse). My rationale was they didn't want gifts or cash, but they do need to eat and this is a very nice date night. This restaurant also does a well appointed jazz brunch and he is a jazz musician. It was a no gifts implied. At this wedding there was a large gift table and many people brought small gifts, flowers, and nothing too large or extravagant.

I don't know what the cover the plate cost would have been for either of these weddings but we did what was most comfortable to us.
We got a thank you card already for the 2nd wedding and it was very nice and they couldn't wait to try the restaurant.

[leebee]

The East Coast sure is a big place, and Maine isn't NYC. I don't worry about any of this registry, cover my plate, is the present big enough, is the check big enough stuff. I'm giving a gift, from the heart, to express my joy about your wedding. I give something I like, that I think you'll appreciate, that I can afford, that I want to give. It's a GIFT, from the heart. I really don't care what others think about what I choose to give. Sorry if you are counting on us to "cover our plates;" if you need the money to pay for your reception (or honeymoon), sell tickets instead of sending invitations!

Weddings up here, and at my relative's weddings in the Boston area, all have gift tables for those who bring presents, with a basket of some sort for cards with cash/checks in them. We usually give either cash or a gift in the $30-$50 range, depending on how much we can afford at the time, our closeness to the couple, and what I find that I want to give. I've never received an invitation to either a wedding or a shower that included registry information. Actually, I thought that registries faded out with white gloves and afternoon tea!

[sunshinehighway]

Originally Posted by SaraJayne

The same is true here, in the upper Midwest. Gifts are not just for showers.

This is a subject that has been debated over and over on the Dis, with those on the East coast insisting if you bring a gift other than cash, you may as well not attend.

I don't think that's true. I'm on the east coast and always purchase something off the registry. There's something about giving cash I find off putting. Most of the people I know give a gift off the registry too. Of course now its usually just shipped to the couple directly, no big gift table at the receptions.

[lizabu]

Originally Posted by BearcatsFan

Unfortunately (or I guess being that I'm happily married now, fortunately) years ago when I was engaged, my wedding did get cancelled (6 weeks prior). And yes, I did return all the gifts to the purchaser, including my shower gifts.

Don't know if that's what I was "supposed" to do, but I felt it was appropriate.

Yes. That's the proper thing to do.

I agree with the majority. Registry information is not on the invitation not because the Bride and Groom aren't registered somewhere but because it's considered rude to put that information on the invitation. So many Brides and Grooms have wedding websites nowadays. You should find out if this couple has one. They are invaluable to people coming from out of town. They will list all the events leading up to the wedding. There will be registry info. Often maps. Suggested hotels to stay at (if there are enough out of town guests they might have a group block somewhere).We tend to always give cash. $200 from my DH and myself in a card is our standard. I tend to go along with the cover your plate line of thinking. I think what you spend to make the trip shouldn't influence how much you choose to give. It's your choice to attend or not. The last couple of family weddings we attended cost us $5000-7000 to attend. That was our choice. We made the weddings a once in a lifetime memorable vacation. I'm not going to turn around and give the Bride and Groom a smaller gift because of how much I spent to get there. It doesn't seem fair to me.

[emma'smom]

This is true for NYC, but in Ohio...gifts are the norm. Cash is always fine (of course)...but the gift table is usually pretty big at the wedding.

P.S. I learned this the hard way when I showed up at an NYC wedding with a nice gift---an Ohio tradition. =)'

Also...a nice solution would be to give them a special gift from London. That way the "value" isn't so much the financial cost, but the uniqueness of something that isn't as readily accessible in the U.S.. For example, how about a nice piece of Wedgewood?

Originally Posted by shoney

Wedding customs vary greatly around the US...just read some of the other threads

Where we live, the registry is really just for the shower. It is expected that the registry information is contained in the shower invitation.

The wedding itself is cash only. The only time you will see a wrapped gift at a wedding is from an out of town guest!

[Swan4Me]

Originally Posted by lizabu

Yes. That's the proper thing to do.

I agree with the majority. Registry information is not on the invitation not because the Bride and Groom aren't registered somewhere but because it's considered rude to put that information on the invitation. So many Brides and Grooms have wedding websites nowadays. You should find out if this couple has one. They are invaluable to people coming from out of town. They will list all the events leading up to the wedding. There will be registry info. Often maps. Suggested hotels to stay at (if there are enough out of town guests they might have a group block somewhere)..

Most weddings with out of town guests do this
OP did you get a "Save the Date" card a few months before wedding-this is usually where the info is listed-including the places where they are registered.

[ohiomom28]

Originally Posted by design_mom

"Covering the cost of the event" is not expected in Ohio, so I do not think you need to worry about that. Give what you can afford.

Cash is a very acceptable gift here, but "things" are also acceptable gifts. There will likely be a table set up at the reception to accept them. Feel free to give cash or a regular gift, whichever you prefer. I bet something from London would be appreciated. We had a guest from Germany at our wedding. She brought a small silver figurine of a sparrow, and a card that told the significance of the sparrow from her home town. I doubt it was an expensive gift, but I really loved it. It still sits on my mantlepiece... and I clearly remember who gave it to me. (I do not necessarily remember who gave me my Corningware bowls, etc.)

If you wish to purchase off their registry, you would need to call someone (like the brides parents) and find out where they are registered. Yes, it's a pain... but that's how things are done around here. It's not common to list the registry info in the invitation.

Exactly. I live an hour north of Cincinnati and "most" gifts we received at our wedding last year were between $50-100. I got a handful of actual gifts. Mind you, I did not have a black tie affair

[ohiomom28]

Originally Posted by emma'smom

This is true for NYC, but in Ohio...gifts are the norm. Cash is always fine (of course)...but the gift table is usually pretty big at the wedding.

P.S. I learned this the hard way when I showed up at an NYC wedding with a nice gift---an Ohio tradition. =)'

Also...a nice solution would be to give them a special gift from London. That way the "value" isn't so much the financial cost, but the uniqueness of something that isn't as readily accessible in the U.S.. For example, how about a nice piece of Wedgewood?

Not everywhere in Ohio. I had 125 guests and I'd say 90% was cash/checks

[EmpressBubbles]

I would have loved to have received something from London! Anything from London! We Americans are funny like that, or at least I am. I like foreign accents and foreign labels! Maybe that's why I like EPCOT so much!

Bring a nice assortment of British wares, such as a proper tea pot and some tea. I don't even have a proper one and I would LOVE to have someone give me one from London!

[Familyof4lovesDW]

I really like the idea of something exclusive from London. That would be cool.

In my opinion $200 is a lot, I only two people gave us $100 and one of them was my grandparents, the other was DH's out of state uncle and we were shocked! We received a variety of gifts and checks(cash). We are between and hour and two from Cincy! DSIL went to UC.

Depending on if they have common names or not, you could google them to see if they have one of the online websites.

[Swan4Me]

Originally Posted by Familyof4lovesDW

I really like the idea of something exclusive from London. That would be cool.

.

I have changed my mind.....this is a FABULOUS idea!!!

My first child was born 3 weeks early and Mom was in London on a european tour. She promptly went to Harrods and bought him two beautiful outfits-this was just weeks after Prince William was born, so my son was suited up properly

[mhsjax]

Originally Posted by Tinker'n'Fun

Yep, that is what "I" would do. The cost of attending is your choice or would have been mine if I accepted to come to the wedding. Both out of town guests and home guests gave us gifts. They were in different denominations but it was based on their personal preference.

If you want to give a card with nothing in it, I am sure the Bride/Groom will be as happy as the the card with money. They are asking for your presence, not a cash amount. But I would at least give enough to cover the cost of the plate, and based on your information it would be around $200.00 where I am from, actually a bit less, but everyone likes a little "extra" for the honeymoon.

Go and enjoy yourself no matter what you choose to do, I really mean it. They will be glad you enjoyed their day with them, we certainly were!!

guess it all depends on where you are from. I don't and won't get this whole "covering your plate" thing. The way I look at it, much like you stated the decision for the OP to came was his, the decision to have an expensive sit down dinner was the couples. I am in no way footing the bill for that. Sorry, isn't happening and just isn't done where I am from. Now if I am very close to the person getting married, I will give a VERY generous gift, but if I am not, there is no way I would give $200.00 to "cover my plate"

OP. Just give what you would would like. Cash is always a nice thing, that way the couple can purchase what they want, or use it for whatever they want.

ETA, Like I said, I realize that this covering the plate thing is regional, but I find it odd.