Coming Out? - Page 6 - The DIS Discussion Forums

NHdisneylover · 02-01-2012, 06:01 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ToddB

Ok. So I need some advice on something about my situation. For some 'odd' reason, I think everyone (mom, dad, sister) knows that I am gay; my mom in particular. Every time the gay topic comes up in something she really emphasizes it. Like when we are watching tv and someone who is clearly gay comes on she is like "He is gay. Gay. He is gay. I think he is gay. Don't you think he is gay?" That just goes on until the subject matter disappears. Another thing is she loves Lady Gaga, and Born this way. Today she was watching an episode of Trading Spouses, a show that she hates, because it had a woman in it who hated pretty much everything, including the gay community, but the other 'swappers' were a lesbian couple. Even though this wacked out lady hated other things, my mom kept reiterating the fact that she was gay, they were gay, that other lady hates gays, and she is crazy. So I really don't know what to take from all of that. Could it be a good thing? I don't really know. Considering she was siding with the lesbian couple on everything made me feel a bit better as to how she would take it. I really wanted to just say it when I was standing there with her, but couldn't do it. Well, any advice or opinions will help, and I will update again soon:D

Todd, I am on the late side to this--but basically want to reiterate what everyone else said.

It sounds to me like your mother strongly suspects you are gay. She is trying to hint that she is okay with that so that you will be comfortable telling her. She probably doesn't want to directly ask you because she does not want to force telling her on you if you are not ready or still confused, etc.

if you have not taken the advice here and told her yet I hope you do so soon. I bet (and hope) it will be fairly anti climatic for you and you will feel a lot less stressed afterwards.

mellers · 02-12-2012, 02:04 AM

I'm also fairly new to the board, but I can tell you what happened with my cousin--sometimes being "forced out" is much worse than coming out.

My cousin had a horrible childhood, and, when we were both children (and his evil mother consented to allow him to visit us), my cousin told me what was going on in his mother's home. If there is a hell, that woman should be first in line with a VIP pass.

My cousin's mother walked out on my uncle, taking my cousin with her, and despite my uncle spending every cent he had on legal fees, and my testimony of what my cousin had told me (I still have nightmares), it took years to get him away from his mother.

When my uncle finally got him removed from his mother's home, he was so badly damaged that he tried to injure his half-brother, and so the court mandated that he had to live outside the home. My uncle found the best possible foster home he could, and visited him frequently, as did all of the rest of us. My cousin bonded with the foster family, but they were very much born-again Christians.

He went into the military, where we all think he discovered that he was one of those who shouldn't be asked and didn't tell. Unfortunately, it seems that he came out to his foster family and they rejected him, so he thought the rest of us would feel the same way. He didn't sever ties totally, but he rarely spoke to us and would not come to family events.

Unfortunately, my cousin was taken in by a smooth operator who, in a shocking act of domestic violence, nearly killed him. My uncle found out from the hospital what had happened, about the time they told him it was unlikely my cousin would survive. I had cancer and was too sick to travel at the time, so I was devastated that he might die and I would never see him again.

He finally came to Thanksgiving, after he heard how sick I was, and he said he remembered the birthday parties I had for him, when I found out his mother wouldn't give him a party, and that he wanted to see me again, even if I didn't love him anymore.

I started crying. I never stopped loving him. I did then, and I do now.

I told him that I didn't care if he was gay. I loved him, and he was, and is, always part of my family. However, I did care that he found a partner who would be good and kind to him, who would love him and cherish him. After all the pain he has gone through, that is all I want for him.

That is why I have fought so hard for marriage equality in my state. I think if he had seen more loving, gay couples as a happy, equal part of society, he would not have been so quick to go with such a bad partner, and I think he might have believed that I would love him no matter what. He also might have trusted us to help him end an abusive relationship before it reached the point that it did.

Unfortunately, my uncle took away a different lesson--he felt it was the fact that this was a gay relationship that resulted in the harm to my cousin, so while he loves his son, and will always love his son, and has been polite to his partners, he feels that it was my cousin's injuries resulted from a gay relationship. I don't think he would have felt that way had my cousin told him earlier.

My cousin lost years with my family because he was so afraid. He also was afraid to turn to us when he desperately needed help. As his foster family shows, not everyone will be supportive, and not everybody will be kind, but there are a lot of us who will, and many people who will love you as much gay as they do straight.

I can't, and won't, tell anyone that they "should" or "shouldn't" come out, but I can say that I truly wish my cousin had.

DVCDan36 · 02-12-2012, 06:43 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mellers

I'm also fairly new to the board, but I can tell you what happened with my cousin--sometimes being "forced out" is much worse than coming out.

That is why I have fought so hard for marriage equality in my state. I think if he had seen more loving, gay couples as a happy, equal part of society,

I can't, and won't, tell anyone that they "should" or "shouldn't" come out, but I can say that I truly wish my cousin had.

First off, Welcome to the Boards.

Secondly, thank you for sharing your's and your consin's story. I am so sorry you both had to go through what you have gone through on everything.

I think this speaks volumes that there is strength in numbers. My Partner and I, after many years, have finally stopped caring what others think and live our live open and free. We also have become foster parents and supporters to anyone that needs it. I hope we can be that "loving, gay couple as a happy, equal part of society."

mellers · 02-12-2012, 10:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DVCDan36

First off, Welcome to the Boards.

Secondly, thank you for sharing your's and your consin's story. I am so sorry you both had to go through what you have gone through on everything.

I think this speaks volumes that there is strength in numbers. My Partner and I, after many years, have finally stopped caring what others think and live our live open and free. We also have become foster parents and supporters to anyone that needs it. I hope we can be that "loving, gay couple as a happy, equal part of society."

Thank you. Best wishes to you and your partner.

Iamallin · 05-13-2012, 11:06 AM

WOW, ok so I was feeling kind of melancholy today and for some reason ended up back on the DIS boards. A few years ago I was very active here planning many (10 over the years) trips for my family (now ex-wife) and two kids. I have only recently (I am 43) admitted to myself that I am actually gay. I am so jealous of all the well rounded folks here who realized/admitted early that they were gay and were able to make great happy lives for themselves. I know it's not too late and I really hope I am able to at some point find the actual right person I was meant to find. I don't mean to sound gloomy with my first post under my new screen name. I am by nature a very upbeat and pretty happy go lucky guy. It's really awesome to rediscover the site and lots of happy gay and lesbian couples.

mellers · 05-13-2012, 11:14 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Iamallin

WOW, ok so I was feeling kind of melancholy today and for some reason ended up back on the DIS boards. A few years ago I was very active here planning many (10 over the years) trips for my family (now ex-wife) and two kids. I have only recently (I am 43) admitted to myself that I am actually gay. I am so jealous of all the well rounded folks here who realized/admitted early that they were gay and were able to make great happy lives for themselves. I know it's not too late and I really hope I am able to at some point find the actual right person I was meant to find. I don't mean to sound gloomy with my first post under my new screen name. I am by nature a very upbeat and pretty happy go lucky guy. It's really awesome to rediscover the site and lots of happy gay and lesbian couples.

I know this must have been hard to come to that conclusion, after all those years of marriage, and I wish you well. I also wish your ex-wife and kids well. I think attitudes are changing, and that is good for everyone.

For what it's worth, my first manager at my first real job was in a situation very similar to yours. He made a good life for himself, and kept a good relationship with his kids and ex-wife as well.

I also think you'll find a lot of people like me--straight, but not narrow

greenkai3000 · 05-13-2012, 04:12 PM

I came out to my parents back when I was in College. I did it because I got tired of my then closed minded dad, and relatives always making homophobic remarks around me. I over at their place and asked them to come talk to me in the kitchen. I then just said, "You know what , you both are right! I am gay!" Assuming that they already knew, and just didn't want to say it...which turns out they did.

They went through all kinds of phases right then in there, from denial, to anger, to fear, to even wanting to blame "the friends I hang out with". But you know what, they ended up accepting it because I'm their only son, and most important I'm THEIR son.

They've learned to love me and life because I don't do drugs, smoke, drink, or do anything harmful to myself and others. They know I'm mature enough to take care of myself and tell the difference between what's right, and what's wrong. They have met many of my friends over the years, come to Pride festivities, AND they have joined me, and my partner on a couple of Disney vacations... We are a true family!

I've also overheard my dad talk to one of his brothers and give him good advise on how to talk to his daughter who happened to come out to him not to long ago. I'm very glad I came out to them, not only because they had to know the real me, but because we have never been as close as we are now.

I say do it when you feel it's the right time, and do it they way you think will work best for you!

ToddB · 01-17-2013, 11:07 PM

Wow! I have not been on here in ages! But I figured I would come back and give a small update and bump up the thread. Over Thanksgiving week of 2012, I finally came out to my entire family, mom first, then everyone else just kinda followed suit. I was a nervous wreck that entire week...my cousin actually helped me do it. Surprisingly no one was really shocked and none of them have a problem with it. My mom is more worried about having grandkids...she said,'You might be gay, but you can still adopt kids!' I thought that was pretty funny, but true. I haven't really had any issues and I do feel much better about myself and the tension is gone that surrounded me the past few years. Although I haven't told anyone at work since I do work at a church and know their views on the whole thing...so if I ever get a new job, I will be good to go! So I am out and happy and would like to thank everyone for their stories and words of wisdom and support...I am very grateful to have found somewhere to vent and talk to people who have gone through the same thing and just so happen to love something that I do as well. So thanks to all! ~Todd

NHdisneylover · 01-18-2013, 02:17 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ToddB

Wow! I have not been on here in ages! But I figured I would come back and give a small update and bump up the thread. Over Thanksgiving week of 2012, I finally came out to my entire family, mom first, then everyone else just kinda followed suit. I was a nervous wreck that entire week...my cousin actually helped me do it. Surprisingly no one was really shocked and none of them have a problem with it. My mom is more worried about having grandkids...she said,'You might be gay, but you can still adopt kids!' I thought that was pretty funny, but true. I haven't really had any issues and I do feel much better about myself and the tension is gone that surrounded me the past few years. Although I haven't told anyone at work since I do work at a church and know their views on the whole thing...so if I ever get a new job, I will be good to go! So I am out and happy and would like to thank everyone for their stories and words of wisdom and support...I am very grateful to have found somewhere to vent and talk to people who have gone through the same thing and just so happen to love something that I do as well. So thanks to all! ~Todd

Todd, thank you for the update. I am so very glad that things went so smoothly and well for you and that that stress s gone and you an really be YOU around your family with no fear now. That s the way it should be

jiminy.cricket · 01-19-2013, 12:43 AM

I was wondering how that went; glad to hear it was smooth! Thanks for the update!

02-12-2012, 02:04 AM	#77
mellers DIS Veteran Join Date: Aug 2007 Posts: 2,013	I'm also fairly new to the board, but I can tell you what happened with my cousin--sometimes being "forced out" is much worse than coming out. My cousin had a horrible childhood, and, when we were both children (and his evil mother consented to allow him to visit us), my cousin told me what was going on in his mother's home. If there is a hell, that woman should be first in line with a VIP pass. My cousin's mother walked out on my uncle, taking my cousin with her, and despite my uncle spending every cent he had on legal fees, and my testimony of what my cousin had told me (I still have nightmares), it took years to get him away from his mother. When my uncle finally got him removed from his mother's home, he was so badly damaged that he tried to injure his half-brother, and so the court mandated that he had to live outside the home. My uncle found the best possible foster home he could, and visited him frequently, as did all of the rest of us. My cousin bonded with the foster family, but they were very much born-again Christians. He went into the military, where we all think he discovered that he was one of those who shouldn't be asked and didn't tell. Unfortunately, it seems that he came out to his foster family and they rejected him, so he thought the rest of us would feel the same way. He didn't sever ties totally, but he rarely spoke to us and would not come to family events. Unfortunately, my cousin was taken in by a smooth operator who, in a shocking act of domestic violence, nearly killed him. My uncle found out from the hospital what had happened, about the time they told him it was unlikely my cousin would survive. I had cancer and was too sick to travel at the time, so I was devastated that he might die and I would never see him again. He finally came to Thanksgiving, after he heard how sick I was, and he said he remembered the birthday parties I had for him, when I found out his mother wouldn't give him a party, and that he wanted to see me again, even if I didn't love him anymore. I started crying. I never stopped loving him. I did then, and I do now. I told him that I didn't care if he was gay. I loved him, and he was, and is, always part of my family. However, I did care that he found a partner who would be good and kind to him, who would love him and cherish him. After all the pain he has gone through, that is all I want for him. That is why I have fought so hard for marriage equality in my state. I think if he had seen more loving, gay couples as a happy, equal part of society, he would not have been so quick to go with such a bad partner, and I think he might have believed that I would love him no matter what. He also might have trusted us to help him end an abusive relationship before it reached the point that it did. Unfortunately, my uncle took away a different lesson--he felt it was the fact that this was a gay relationship that resulted in the harm to my cousin, so while he loves his son, and will always love his son, and has been polite to his partners, he feels that it was my cousin's injuries resulted from a gay relationship. I don't think he would have felt that way had my cousin told him earlier. My cousin lost years with my family because he was so afraid. He also was afraid to turn to us when he desperately needed help. As his foster family shows, not everyone will be supportive, and not everybody will be kind, but there are a lot of us who will, and many people who will love you as much gay as they do straight. I can't, and won't, tell anyone that they "should" or "shouldn't" come out, but I can say that I truly wish my cousin had. __________________ Mellers DH DD

05-13-2012, 11:06 AM	#80
Iamallin Earning My Ears Join Date: May 2012 Location: Texas Posts: 1	Still not out WOW, ok so I was feeling kind of melancholy today and for some reason ended up back on the DIS boards. A few years ago I was very active here planning many (10 over the years) trips for my family (now ex-wife) and two kids. I have only recently (I am 43) admitted to myself that I am actually gay. I am so jealous of all the well rounded folks here who realized/admitted early that they were gay and were able to make great happy lives for themselves. I know it's not too late and I really hope I am able to at some point find the actual right person I was meant to find. I don't mean to sound gloomy with my first post under my new screen name. I am by nature a very upbeat and pretty happy go lucky guy. It's really awesome to rediscover the site and lots of happy gay and lesbian couples.

05-13-2012, 04:12 PM	#82
greenkai3000 Mouseketeer Join Date: Sep 2011 Location: Dallas, TX Posts: 323	My story I came out to my parents back when I was in College. I did it because I got tired of my then closed minded dad, and relatives always making homophobic remarks around me. I over at their place and asked them to come talk to me in the kitchen. I then just said, "You know what , you both are right! I am gay!" Assuming that they already knew, and just didn't want to say it...which turns out they did. They went through all kinds of phases right then in there, from denial, to anger, to fear, to even wanting to blame "the friends I hang out with". But you know what, they ended up accepting it because I'm their only son, and most important I'm THEIR son. They've learned to love me and life because I don't do drugs, smoke, drink, or do anything harmful to myself and others. They know I'm mature enough to take care of myself and tell the difference between what's right, and what's wrong. They have met many of my friends over the years, come to Pride festivities, AND they have joined me, and my partner on a couple of Disney vacations... We are a true family! I've also overheard my dad talk to one of his brothers and give him good advise on how to talk to his daughter who happened to come out to him not to long ago. I'm very glad I came out to them, not only because they had to know the real me, but because we have never been as close as we are now. I say do it when you feel it's the right time, and do it they way you think will work best for you! __________________ Walt Disney World Off-Site January 2001, Off-Site July 2001, Off-Site January 2003, All-Star Movies January 2005, Animal Kingdom Lodge November 2007, Cabins at Fort Wilderness July 2010. Disneyland Paradise Pier October 2011, Grand Californian December 2012 . Disneyland Paris Disneyland Hotel June 2012 http://www.facebook.com/media/set/?s...0960612&type=3 http://www.facebook.com/media/set/?s...0960612&type=3 http://www.facebook.com/media/set/?s...0960612&type=3 http://www.facebook.com/media/set/?s...0960612&type=3

01-17-2013, 11:07 PM	#83
ToddB Earning My Ears Join Date: Sep 2011 Location: Johnstown, PA Posts: 69	Wow! I have not been on here in ages! But I figured I would come back and give a small update and bump up the thread. Over Thanksgiving week of 2012, I finally came out to my entire family, mom first, then everyone else just kinda followed suit. I was a nervous wreck that entire week...my cousin actually helped me do it. Surprisingly no one was really shocked and none of them have a problem with it. My mom is more worried about having grandkids...she said,'You might be gay, but you can still adopt kids!' I thought that was pretty funny, but true. I haven't really had any issues and I do feel much better about myself and the tension is gone that surrounded me the past few years. Although I haven't told anyone at work since I do work at a church and know their views on the whole thing...so if I ever get a new job, I will be good to go! So I am out and happy and would like to thank everyone for their stories and words of wisdom and support...I am very grateful to have found somewhere to vent and talk to people who have gone through the same thing and just so happen to love something that I do as well. So thanks to all! ~Todd __________________ WDW - Off site - 2004, Off site - 2006, CBR - 2008, CBR - 2009, POP - 2010, POFQ - Nov/Dec 2011

01-19-2013, 12:43 AM	#85
jiminy.cricket Disneyphile Extraordinare Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Chicagoland suburbs Posts: 147	I was wondering how that went; glad to hear it was smooth! Thanks for the update! __________________ Follow my journey to the 2014 Walt Disney World Half-Marathon! "This would be a great place if we could only get rid of all these people." -Walt Disney R.I.P., Austin Wuennenberg, The Lights of Winter, and Roy E. Disney.

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