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Old 02-12-2013, 07:46 PM   #1
LuvinLucifer
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Fertile people adopting?

I moderate a forum on which one of our members wants a baby but complains that pregnancy will "ruin" her body, so she either wants to adopt or use a surrogate. She came on all upset recently because an adoption agency refused to deal with her because infertility has to be the primary cause of seeking to adopt. She was told that they have so many qualified prospective adoptive parents that they don't feel like it is fair or necessary to add fertile people to the list.

Do you think this is unfair discrimination? On one hand, there are already plenty of people waiting to adopt babies, but utimately would letting a few(because it's not like this woman is the norm) fertile people try to adopt give birth parents that much more options?

I personally can't feel too sorry for this woman and would prefer to place my child with someone who adopted for less trivial reasons.
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Old 02-12-2013, 07:50 PM   #2
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I think she needs to go to the back of the line. BTW, anyone concerned about pregnancy wrecking her body seems to be pretty delusional about the sacrifices required of parenting.
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Old 02-12-2013, 07:55 PM   #3
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I think there's a huge difference between someone who chooses to adopt because she doesn't like what it will do to her body and someone who is fertile but chooses to adopt.

We adopted my son after 9 years of trying. Six months later I was pregnant. Was I supposed to give him back?

Because adoption is part of our family life, I can easily see either him or either of his two sisters (both biologically mine) choosing to adopt. Should they be denied that choice?

My guess is that they don't want HER adopting because "vapid" is a poor description for a good mother. And that this is the spin she's chosen to put onto the story.
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Old 02-12-2013, 08:01 PM   #4
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We adopted my son after 9 years of trying. Six months later I was pregnant. Was I supposed to give him back?
I don't think anyone would expect that. The agency just needed a doctor's note saying there was a medical reason that she couldn't go through a pregnancy or that she hasn't been able to get pregnant. That's not a guarantee of no pregnancy ever.
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Old 02-12-2013, 08:05 PM   #5
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I don't think anyone would expect that. The agency just needed a doctor's note saying there was a medical reason that she couldn't go through a pregnancy or that she hasn't been able to get pregnant. That's not a guarantee of no pregnancy ever.
I still say her story is sketchy.

I believe her application was denied. I really don't buy the reason.
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Old 02-12-2013, 08:10 PM   #6
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Years ago, a girl I knew from HS was trying to adopt, along with her doctor husband. Her relative told me the agency turned them down flat. I was surprised. Married couple, with a doctor husband.......they ought to be in good shape.

Then the relative told me if might have something to do with it being the wife's second marriage, the husband's fifth marriage and him losing his Chief of Staff job due to issues with cocaine addiction. Yep.......maybe. Adoption agencies weed out people all the time, for all sorts of reasons. Many make you undergo a psychiatric/mental health evaluation. I can see why.
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Old 02-13-2013, 12:13 PM   #7
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I don't think that is fair at all...
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Old 02-13-2013, 12:23 PM   #8
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I don't think that is fair at all...
Life isn't fair.

The title of the thread is 'Fertile people adopting?' To that I would say of course. Why not? I really don't think the reason why a person chooses not to get pregnant should be relevant. And being infertile does not automatically make someone more deserving or guarantee that they will make a good parent.

IMO each case needs to be looked at individually.
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Old 02-13-2013, 12:31 PM   #9
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Life isn't fair.

The title of the thread is 'Fertile people adopting?' To that I would say of course. Why not? I really don't think the reason why a person chooses not to get pregnant should be relevant. And being infertile does not automatically make someone more deserving or guarantee that they will make a good parent.

IMO each case needs to be looked at individually.
ITA
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Old 02-13-2013, 01:38 PM   #10
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Life isn't fair.

The title of the thread is 'Fertile people adopting?' To that I would say of course. Why not? I really don't think the reason why a person chooses not to get pregnant should be relevant. And being infertile does not automatically make someone more deserving or guarantee that they will make a good parent.

IMO each case needs to be looked at individually.
Well said...
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Old 02-12-2013, 07:55 PM   #11
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Originally Posted by Gumbo4x4 View Post
I think she needs to go to the back of the line. BTW, anyone concerned about pregnancy wrecking her body seems to be pretty delusional about the sacrifices required of parenting.
This. I would hazard a guess that the agency is less concerned about whether she is fertile or not and more concerned that anyone who would look to adoption/surrogacy so as not to "ruin" her body may not be made of the stuff it takes to be a devoted, selfless parent who puts your child first. God forbid she get a chunky or unattractive child.

BTW, anyone who thinks adoption (or surrogacy for that matter) is easier than being pregnant and delivering is flat out wrong. And in general, I've found that parenting, not just pregnancy, can be hazardous to your figure.
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Old 02-22-2013, 03:57 PM   #12
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I think she needs to go to the back of the line. BTW, anyone concerned about pregnancy wrecking her body seems to be pretty delusional about the sacrifices required of parenting.
Amen!
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Old 02-23-2013, 10:04 PM   #13
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Husband works for Child Protective Services in a large city. He's a supervisor in the continuing case unit-- gets the kids once they are assigned to long term case workers. I asked him about the idea that there are a lot of infants waiting to be adopted. He said no-- the system isn't set up that way. There are many things that have to happen before parental rights are terminated, and when they are, they want to first place the child with a family member if possible, and will look far and wide to find someone-- he has kids placed with family they never saw before halfway across the country.

The one exception is if the mother terminates all parental rights very early, but they still look for family first. The goal of the public system is family reunification. Most kids linger in the system unless a judge decides to terminate parental rights (and this is a huge big deal-- and takes many years of the parent refusing to follow judicial orders to get clean, get a job, go to parenting classes, or repeatedly abusing the child, etc).

And he says this is determined by federal law, not each individual state.

I know this is a long way from the original post, but just wanted to put in the little knowledge I have on the topic.

As for the original question-- we went through three international adoptions (two successful, one failed while in country) and already had two bio kids. The statement the woman made, or other things she said, must have raised red flags to the social worker doing the interview. We had to do three interviews, together, then each separate, then have a home visit. Had to submit background checks, references, essays, etc. And this was for China, special needs, which was one of the easiest programs back when we adopted. And adoption social workers want you to pass the homestudy. If someone is refused, the social worker had to be really troubled.
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Old 02-23-2013, 10:12 PM   #14
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Originally Posted by skoi View Post
Husband works for Child Protective Services in a large city. He's a supervisor in the continuing case unit-- gets the kids once they are assigned to long term case workers. I asked him about the idea that there are a lot of infants waiting to be adopted. He said no-- the system isn't set up that way. There are many things that have to happen before parental rights are terminated, and when they are, they want to first place the child with a family member if possible, and will look far and wide to find someone-- he has kids placed with family they never saw before halfway across the country.

The one exception is if the mother terminates all parental rights very early, but they still look for family first. The goal of the public system is family reunification. Most kids linger in the system unless a judge decides to terminate parental rights (and this is a huge big deal-- and takes many years of the parent refusing to follow judicial orders to get clean, get a job, go to parenting classes, or repeatedly abusing the child, etc).

And he says this is determined by federal law, not each individual state.

I know this is a long way from the original post, but just wanted to put in the little knowledge I have on the topic.

As for the original question-- we went through three international adoptions (two successful, one failed while in country) and already had two bio kids. The statement the woman made, or other things she said, must have raised red flags to the social worker doing the interview. We had to do three interviews, together, then each separate, then have a home visit. Had to submit background checks, references, essays, etc. And this was for China, special needs, which was one of the easiest programs back when we adopted. And adoption social workers want you to pass the homestudy. If someone is refused, the social worker had to be really troubled.
Yes. My son used to clerk for a family court judge. After a couple of years, he couldn't take it anymore. He said it made him sick the way the laws kept handing children back to parents who were rotten to the core and had no business being parents.
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Old 02-23-2013, 11:18 PM   #15
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Yes. My son used to clerk for a family court judge. After a couple of years, he couldn't take it anymore. He said it made him sick the way the laws kept handing children back to parents who were rotten to the core and had no business being parents.
Makes my dh sick as well. But it's how the laws are written. Family reunification is the thing to do. And this is one of the main reasons we chose to adopt internationally (and we caught, and still catch a lot of abuse for that-- why didn't you adopt an American kid???-- well, we didn't feel we could deal with the issues of a child who was severely abused/ neglected and couldn't afford private adoption-- no birth mom in private adoption would pick a family with a little house in the city, only dad worked, mom stayed home and home schooled and there wasn't tons of excess cash, so we looked international. Have two great kids-- special needs (by choice) with a lot of challenges, but we love them and embrace their differences.
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