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Old 12-04-2012, 10:52 PM   #1
luvestodizz
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Christmas family drama

DH has a large family and we all get together for Christmas Eve. This past October DH had an incident with his Sis who is hosting the Eve. My DH does not hold grudges but he is mad and hurt by her so he will not go to her house. A few weeks ago he did give BIL- her DH a call but he didn't answer or return the voicemail. The trouble is my kids want to be with their cousins. DH thinks the kids should go there with his Mom and he and I have a quiet Christmas Eve together. I admit I am sad. I want to be with the rest of his family and all the noisy festivities. My parents would join us but without the kids, I would be sad.
I was hurt by what SIL did too but in the spirit of Christmas I think we should be the bigger people. Anything I can say to DH to ease his feelings?
MIL told me she spoke to SIL who said "What does he want me to do, apologize?" That might be nice but so far nothing.
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Old 12-04-2012, 10:59 PM   #2
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Originally Posted by luvestodizz View Post
DH has a large family and we all get together for Christmas Eve. This past October DH had an incident with his Sis who is hosting the Eve. My DH does not hold grudges but he is mad and hurt by her so he will not go to her house. A few weeks ago he did give BIL- her DH a call but he didn't answer or return the voicemail. The trouble is my kids want to be with their cousins. DH thinks the kids should go there with his Mom and he and I have a quiet Christmas Eve together. I admit I am sad. I want to be with the rest of his family and all the noisy festivities. My parents would join us but without the kids, I would be sad.
I was hurt by what SIL did too but in the spirit of Christmas I think we should be the bigger people. Anything I can say to DH to ease his feelings?
MIL told me she spoke to SIL who said "What does he want me to do, apologize?" That might be nice but so far nothing.
This incident happened in October? You might want to rethink that idea that your husband does not hold a grudge.

It is a terrible idea and very childish for him to suggest your children spend Christmas Eve away from their parents.
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Old 12-04-2012, 11:09 PM   #3
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This incident happened in October? You might want to rethink that idea that your husband does not hold a grudge.

It is a terrible idea and very childish for him to suggest your children spend Christmas Eve away from their parents.
Yes, this. If there's ever a time to be the bigger person, it's Christmas. Go, play nice, and save the drama for behind closed doors.
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Old 12-05-2012, 05:38 AM   #4
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I agree it sounds like your husband IS holding a grudge.

Personally, since you say you would like to be with his family, I would be tempted to tell him that I would be going over with the kids for the family event and I hoped he would join us, but if he would rather stay home and nurse his grudge he can do it without me.
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Old 12-05-2012, 06:18 AM   #5
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Your situation is the definition of a grudge.

Without knowing what happened between them I can't say if he should let it blow over or not. If you are not angry and want to go, talk to him and see if he would mind if you took th kids for a while.

I can't say he should be the bigger person without knowing what she did to offend him.
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Old 12-05-2012, 06:28 AM   #6
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Originally Posted by NHdisneylover View Post
I agree it sounds like your husband IS holding a grudge.

Personally, since you say you would like to be with his family, I would be tempted to tell him that I would be going over with the kids for the family event and I hoped he would join us, but if he would rather stay home and nurse his grudge he can do it without me.
I agree- no way would I sit home with him alone while my kids were out someplace else on Christmas eve simply because he is holding a grudge!
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Old 12-05-2012, 08:12 AM   #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NHdisneylover View Post
I agree it sounds like your husband IS holding a grudge.

Personally, since you say you would like to be with his family, I would be tempted to tell him that I would be going over with the kids for the family event and I hoped he would join us, but if he would rather stay home and nurse his grudge he can do it without me.


I wouldn't want to be without my kids on Christmas Eve, and I would not make them pay for whatever family drama is going on between the adults.
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Old 12-05-2012, 09:43 AM   #8
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NHdisneylover View Post
I agree it sounds like your husband IS holding a grudge.



Personally, since you say you would like to be with his family, I would be tempted to tell him that I would be going over with the kids for the family event and I hoped he would join us, but if he would rather stay home and nurse his grudge he can do it without me.


You are setting an examples for your kids. Whatever the SIL did he is OK with his kids being around her, so why not just be the bigger person and go?
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Old 12-05-2012, 10:00 AM   #9
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OP, so sorry about your situation. We have a similar situation in our family. We are part of a large family also and 2 family members are at war with each other. But for the sake of the family and my DMIL's happiness, they put aside their feud for Thanksgiving and "sucked it up"

Our famliy is so large that it is not too difficult to just stay away from each other.
They each sat at opposite ends of the table (the table was set for 40 people) and just stayed in different rooms throughout the day.

Good luck.
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Old 12-05-2012, 03:28 PM   #10
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....NEVER get involved with a spouse and a member of their family - it could come back to bite you in the arss later on. That being said, it sure seems like he's harboring feelings of anger towards his sister. Howver, I don't think it's in the best interest of YOUR immediate family to be split like that. Perhaps you could invite the cousins to your house sometime during that Christmas Week...
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Old 12-05-2012, 03:44 PM   #11
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You and your husband both have decisions to make. If you don't go to the family Christmas party, you choose to escalate the troubles and drive a possibly permanent wedge between members of yours and your children's family. What she did or said is NOT the issue. The issue is how you want your family relationship to be FOREVER. I don't know what I'd do but I like to think that I could be the peacemaker. You won't be able to force an apology or resolution but you might be able to forge a temporary peace for this one event. At the very least, I would take my children to be with their grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins, leaving my husband at home to lick his wounds. I love my husband; it would be hard leaving him on Christmas Eve but in the end, I would choose my children and the best situation for the larger number of people rather than allowing him to keep me from the rest of the family. In my opinion, his asking you to stay home with him and send the children seems really self-centered. As an adult, he should be able to begin getting over whatever his sister did. He doesn't have to like her, just spend a few hours with her for the good of the family. Good luck. Big issue.
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Old 12-05-2012, 05:06 PM   #12
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I would let your children go where they are going to be a happiest. If it's with you make them stay but if they truly want to be with their cousins I think you need to suck it up and let them go. It's Christmas, they are kids and they are not part of this argument the adults are having.

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Old 12-06-2012, 07:48 AM   #13
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Was he invited over for Christmas Eve? I am from a family with lots of strained relationships and that is what I go by. If they called and invited your family, go. I would NOT send my kids alone with MIL without an invitation from the person who is hosting the gathering, especially if gifts are exchanged. That could damage a fragile relationship irreparably. I get really mamabear when they hurt my kids.
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Old 12-05-2012, 07:33 AM   #14
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Based on only the info provided...

If your DH doesn't normally hold a grudge, I would be supporting my DH this time. He obviously feels strongly about this and must be very hurt by whatever took place. I would NOT divide my family on Christmas eve. Our children belong with us on Xmas eve, and DH and I belong together. "We" are a family, and our family comes first.

I would plan a nice evening for my own family and come up with ideas to make it special for the kids. Perhaps have your parents over and invite the IL's to stop for awhile before or after the other party. (Depending on their ages, the children do not need to know why you are changing things up this year.) Surely you can get the kids together with their cousins some other time during the holidays.
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Old 12-05-2012, 07:56 AM   #15
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No reason to punish the kids for your DH's grudge (i.e depriving them of the evening with the extended family). If your husband wants to sulk at home then let him do it by himself while everybody else goes out and enjoys the evening.

Or, tell him to go and enjoy the evening AS a family, WITH the family and just stay out of his sister's way.
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