Opinions please.

Gumbo4x4 · Jul 26, 2016

I too am hesitant to give a catch-all answer. Although I do believe discipline needs to be equal for all children living in the house, regardless of how the birth parents handled it before the "blending".

DisneyOma · Jul 26, 2016

Shanti said:
The natural parent should manage the child's discipline, not the step-parent.

Why? If my husband had a child before we were married, I'd have accepted that child as my own before I'd have agreed to marry him. We would be equal parents of that child. And it would be my home as well as his and the child's.

handinpocket · Jul 26, 2016

With the OP's questionable history and many run ins with the law, I hesitate to give any sort of advice.

nene0182 · Jul 26, 2016

mi*vida*loca said:
It depends on a lot of factors. I've been with my SO for almost 5 years and we've been living together for almost 4 years. He reprimands my kids when they do something wrong. My XH is on board with this as long since he agrees that it's our house and our rules as it's nothing excessive, not abusive and no hands are being put on any child. There's never been issues regarding this. My XH hasn't remarried or lived with a woman yet so I haven't had to deal with it.

This is how our house operates. My son is 13 and my husband and I have been together since he was 4 and married since he was 7. Due to circumstances (military) his dad was not a constant person in his life until he was 4. Discipline is something that is an equal responsibility for all of us. I trust what he does in his house as I imagine he trusts us. From stories I've read though, I know our house runs very differently then most and we co-parent in a manner that wouldn't work for some. Our son has issues that require frequent therapy and specialist appointments. Whoever is available takes him along with any school meetings or regular doctor and dentist appointments and we discuss any issues or findings with each other. But, I fully acknowledge that what works for our family does not work for all.

gotomu212 · Jul 26, 2016

I don't think it's so much who does the punishing as much as making sure the parents are in agreement on acceptable punishments and the steps respect that decision.

I would be behond upset about a slap and that wouldn't be okay regardless of who did it. However, I say this very carefully, I personally would not file a police report for a one-time strike that didn't leave a mark. Yes this is absolutely unacceptable and my child wouldn't go back to the house until we all were on the same page as to never ever hitting. If it was a single occurrence I would not involve the police on child abuse charges.

Bluestars · Jul 26, 2016

I think there are a lot of variables such as the age of the child when the step parent comes into the picture and whether or not both of the child's bio parents are equally involved in raising the child. If one of the bio parents is not involved in the child's life, then the step parent will probably be more involved. But it's always up to the bio parent to make sure the step parent's punishment is not excessive and that the child is treated with kindness by the step parent. I read somewhere that a step parent is more likely to abuse a child than the natural parent, so the child needs to be protected.

I had a great step father. My bio father was out of the picture, so my step father disciplined me while I was growing up. I was a young child at the time he came into my life. Had I been a teenager, i think it would have been better for my mother to have disciplined me.

MariMama · Jul 26, 2016

Is there physical evidence she was slapped? Or are you only going on her say so?

ksjayhawks · Jul 27, 2016

I think your original post question is misleading. You weren't asking for general opinions/discussion. You are asking about a specific incident==that sm hit dd in the face. Did sm admit to doing this or it just what your dd told you (not saying it didn't happen)? Could you see a mark on her face? Have you talked about this with your ex?

Bianca and Bernard · Jul 27, 2016

In our family, DH disciplined DD#1 just like he did our two. Occasional spankings (used when things needed to make a big impression, always flathanded on bottom, never more than a couple swats), groundings, removing of property...all were done with my blessing. He has never treated her differently than his two; games, doctors appointments, school shopping...all the same; always told people he had 2 daughters (and 1 son). I would say the only thing that he really did different was straight on alone time after she turned 12, but that was due to her moving in with her other parent and his mommy. Her other parent did not discipline her at all (so it's no wonder that when she turned 12, she asked to move with him and his mommy and the courts said she was old enough to make that decision) and his occasional girlfriend or the 2nd wife did nothing to her either. If any of the gf or the now ex 2nd wife had been inclined to parent her, I would have asked to meet with them and set boundaries, just as I asked other parent to do when DH and I got serious (but he never did, so it fell to me and DH to decide what was appropriate).

In your case, OP, you would need to talk to your ex about the SM disciplining your child in that manner, and if you find it did happen and you have a problem with that, then you need to handle it with your ex and SM.

Kaytie · Jul 27, 2016

Cannot provide any opinion without the complete incident report: stepmother's side of actual event, and the entire, unembellished report of exactly what led up to the slap.

I absolutely do not believe the daughter was slapped just because she ate two Poptarts.

Goofy_Disney_Dad · Jul 27, 2016

Are you sure the step mom isn't just very intense about the Weight Watchers program and over reacted?

I'd imagine two poptarts is like a zillion points or something. She could probably claim temporary insanity.

Planogirl · Jul 27, 2016

I'd want to hear the other side before I go running to the police. A slap is too much but make sure that you have all the facts.

As for discipline, I believe that whoever is in charge should be able to discipline a child up to a point.

mi*vida*loca · Jul 27, 2016

I also wouldn't run to the police but they both would have to deal with me. And I can't imagine my XH not losing his mind on her either since it's been agreed that no one lays a hand on our child. If it were the other way around, and my SO put his hands on either of my kids, my XH would be livid and ready to kill someone. There are just lines you do not cross.

Lyricallie · Jul 27, 2016

So I'm 23 and my mum remarried when I was about 15/16. My stepdad definitely would give me into trouble, like yelling (usually because my room was a mess and I was an annoying teenager). However I was pretty much raised and went to university 2 years later.

My little sister on the other hand was younger and more of a trouble maker so she definitely got more discipline than me from my stepdad. It was usually just getting yelled at and getting her mobile confiscated. My mum and them did sometimes argue about being so strict. However looking at my sister I think it did her the world of good

pls5286 · Jul 27, 2016

I talked to my ex extensively last night about the problem. He said that his wife did admit to hitting her. I told him just exactly DD told me and he said step mom pretty much the same exact thing. She did have a red spot on her cheek when I got her, but no bruising. I told ex that she adamantly insists that she is not coming back to his house with his wife there. His response was if she hadn't of ate more that she was supposed to ( they said one pop tart; she ate one pack, as she does here) there would have been no problems. He said he will just see her when she is ready to see him or she wants something. To add since someone asked....they have been together for just over a year.

My DH and I have found taking electronics away works way more effectively with her. The most he has done has take her phone and computer away when I am not home or send her to her room until I get home. We don't really have any major problems here. Never in regard to food.

Chocolate Cake · Jul 27, 2016

Oh Geesh. I didn't realize who the OP was.

OP-Did this really happen? Was your daughter really hit in the face over a pop tart? Or is this something you have made up?

Is this the same daughter that is only allowed to have supervised visits with this father because he himself has tried to kill her in the past by driving drunk with her several times?

You have so much strife in your life. I pray you all find peace one day. DFCS is so involved with your family. It's not normal.

Or else I pray that your children are placed in foster homes where they are well taken care of. Something is wrong with all of you.

manning · Jul 28, 2016

We baby sat her niece's kids. I had to give one a couple of whacks on the butt and send him to bed. The father comes home in a rage. I just shrugged my shoulders and said ' We agree we will not baby sit again. Hopefully to save herself from grief from you she should go outside and calmly watch as your kids burn down the house.' Yes they were playing with matches and would not stop.

mummabear · Jul 28, 2016

Shanti said:
The natural parent should manage the child's discipline, not the step-parent.

And what if the natural parent isn't there at the time?

DisneyOma said:
Why? If my husband had a child before we were married, I'd have accepted that child as my own before I'd have agreed to marry him. We would be equal parents of that child. And it would be my home as well as his and the child's.

I admire what you are saying but I don't agree that a natural parent and step parent are automatically equal, maybe many many years later. One reason I say this is that in most cases of this "new" couple split a step parent would not have any custody rights to he kid.
I do think though that a couple is a team and that either one should be helping with the kids in whatever way works for their household (in regards to school drop offs, coaching sports teams etc) and I do also agree that a step parent should discipline the kids (not physically) unless it is something really big (and if it was something really big I think even natural parents who live together should talk over things before giving them out)

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