Ever treated differently because you are frugal?

andiraye · Feb 11, 2016

To respond to the original question, the opposite thing happens to me all the time. An explanation...

I grew up very comfortably but my parents started to go through some hard times when I was in late high school/college -- their small business failed, they had to sell the house we grew up in, move to a much smaller house in a different town, lost a bunch of friends (who obviously weren't really their friends at all) and had to completely readjust their way of living. They had both started out with nothing and that's pretty much where they ended up. But in between they had given my brother and me a very comfortable childhood. So I went from having all my needs AND wants met all the time to suddenly, all at once, having to put myself through school, learning where they sold half priced sandwiches at the end of the day, not being able to do anything that my friends were doing, losing my own friends because I couldn't afford to chip in on gifts...it was a shock, let me tell you!

Consequently, from all of this, as a young adult, I learned the hard way how to support myself and maintain a budget. Even though my life is much more comfortable now, I will NEVER live outside my means. I pretty much only buy things on sale. My clothing and my kids' clothing consists largely of hand-me-downs. And I am always asking myself before I buy something if I need it or want it (in fact, I 've had to learn that it's okay to give into a "want" sometimes).

BUT, I still have the aesthetic of someone who was raised very comfortably -- put simply, I look much more well-to-do than I am (my grandmother, who always had very little, was the same way -- it must be something in our genes!). So people always assume I have MORE money than I do. Same goes for my husband -- he's very chiseled and carries himself in a particular way. People JACK UP the prices when they see us. It's kind of funny, but also very annoying! There were definitely some weird moments when we went to trade in our 11 year old car....

LovesTimone · Feb 12, 2016

Everyone has different needs, and you never know who has what or what is going on in that persons life... so you should treat everyone with the same respect and courtesy.

When I was working retail in my much younger days, and lady came into the store and she was quite disheveled, clothes not matching, wrinkled, hair unbrushed.. wandering aimlessly through the store, to the point security was watching her. Security ask me to check her out, so I just went up to her and asked her if I could help her, she just had a blank look and said she needed a dress for a funeral,...then blurted out that her mom had passed away, and started crying, I spent the next several hours helping her find a dress, clothes for her children, and spouse. I did not know her at all, but helping her through that difficult task and giving her some comfort and kindness while doing it was my truly my honor. I would hope if that had been me, someone would have helped me out.

MIGrandma · Feb 12, 2016

Gumbo4x4 said:
Living in a rural area, people have kind of learned that farmer in the ratty bibs might be walkin around with a wad of $100 bills big enough to choke a horse. Be careful who you judge LOL

Reminds me of the time we stayed at a very nice Bed & Breakfast, DH was sitting out on the front porch next to a man wearing bib overalls and they got to chatting. Turned out the man was the owner of the inn, and also owned the elegant restaurant in the mansion across the street. You just never know.

The employees said he was the richest man in the city.

I always wondered why I was ignored at a furniture store many years ago. DH was busy so couldn't go with me, I walked inside and there were 2 men standing beside a desk near the center of the large room and they were talking. I walked around the entire store, and they continued to chat with each other. Neither ever asked if they could help me, so I walked out. I went to another furniture store in the same city and was met at the door by a lovely saleslady who asked if she could help me. I ended up buying several pieces of furniture from her store. She sent me a personal thank you note a few days later. I have always regretted not walking up to those two men and letting them know why I wasn't buying any of their furniture, but I never did that. I don't know if it was because I was a woman alone (this happened about 30 years ago) or if I wasn't dressed well enough, or what.

plummer925 · Feb 12, 2016

LovesTimone said:
Everyone has different needs, and you never know who has what or what is going on in that persons life... so you should treat everyone with the same respect and courtesy.

When I was working retail in my much younger days, and lady came into the store and she was quite disheveled, clothes not matching, wrinkled, hair unbrushed.. wandering aimlessly through the store, to the point security was watching her. Security ask me to check her out, so I just went up to her and asked her if I could help her, she just had a blank look and said she needed a dress for a funeral,...then blurted out that her mom had passed away, and started crying, I spent the next several hours helping her find a dress, clothes for her children, and spouse. I did not know her at all, but helping her through that difficult task and giving her some comfort and kindness while doing it was my truly my honor. I would hope if that had been me, someone would have helped me out.

You just never know...stories like this shows why it's so important to not judge. Thank you for treating her with the respect she needed and deserved!!

cijay · Feb 12, 2016

People aren't sure what to think about many things about me but mostly about 'gifts'. We didn't have money when I was a kid. This is not a 'we were soooo poor' kind of thing, we always had food (even if it was just porridge for supper) and clothing and didn't live under a bridge or anything but there weren't extras. Birthdays we had a cake - no gifts, no parties and Christmas we got a gift and some nuts and candy in our stocking. It was all fine, especially knowing where the gifts came from and why we got one and others got 20. When we traveled (a bit older by now, both parents working/better jobs) we didn't get souvenirs, the trip WAS the treat and when our parents traveled alone, they didn't bring us anything back.

Nowadays, I can afford all of the above but I'm not in the habit. I will buy someone a gift if it's something I see for them that makes me think of them. Not necessarily birthday though. The only souvenirs I buy are ones that are useful, so no statues, jewelry (no use for me), spoons, plates or decorative linens to be hung and not used. I buy for my cat sitter, I may see something I like that I can use (this trip was a bath towel with the London Tube map on it. I LOVE taking the tube!) but only if it catches my eye. So it's possible for me to go on a two week holiday overseas and only declare $20.

But when the topic comes up about the gifts (or lack thereof) at Christmas or birthdays, people always ask "is your family...cheap?" No...gifts are NOT meant to be obligatory, doesn't matter what the occasion is.

rkstocke5609 · Feb 13, 2016

This thread has been a fun read. I remember once I bought $5k worth of A/V equipment while wearing old jeans and a t-shirt. Of course I waited until I found a salesperson that would talk to me and they had to be more knowledgable than me. Being frugal is so subjective. My co-workers find me frivolous for spending 18 days in WDW last year across three trips -- but, my house is paid for and my only debts are a year and a half of a car loan and commitments like private elementary school for my daughter and braces. It is funny to watch how people spend money differently and how judgmental they can be.

I recently told my sister about my last year in the world as an example of how my daughter is capable of keeping her mouth shut -- we had arrived back home on the 24th of December from one trip and driven to Christmas Eve dinner at my sisters. My youngest niece who is my daughters age never heard about any of our trips. I had told my daughter it shouldn't be discussed because of their financial hardships down there -- anyways, I had told my sister a year later because I was trying to make a point about my niece needing to keep quiet about handouts from grandpa that my daughter doesn't get (again back to the financial troubles). Anyways, the silence on the other end of the line was staggering - she couldn't believe a nine year old could keep that quiet, but also she was aghast I could spend money that way...

Funny thing is, in 2014 I spent 8k for 8 days in the world and in 2015 I spent 8k for 18 days in the world -- thanks DVC!!

bumbershoot · Feb 14, 2016

scdak said:
she was at least nicer to me when she realized I might have been dressed like a bag lady, I really wasn't one! I am sure her sales that day soared with my rather large purchase!

I won't buy from someone who does that. Especially if it's commission-based. I simply will not do it.

Stacy's a freak said:
He would purposefully put older clothes on when he needed to purchase something substantial (major appliances, cars, etc.). He said that this helped him get a better deal on the price.

I think he's deluding himself. There's just so little chance of this being the case.

Is he, perhaps, very charming? Very good looking? A good talker? (being an attorney it could easily be the latter) It's likely something he's doing, not how he's dressed. Or he doesn't know his prices very well.

barkley said:
I've never seen her so angry about what she's seen in a movie before-she came home to visit a couple of days after seeing it and just kept going on and on about how she didn't know who to be angrier at-the lenders or the people 'who had to know they couldn't afford the houses they were buying-let alone the money they kept borrowing out of them'.

FWIW, when new home-buyers are being told *by everyone* that these loans are normal, that they should buy buy buy, that they should buy as big a house as they can, and again, that balloon payments etc are totally normal...it gets hard for a newbie to stay firm that what they are feeling is right. I have a ton of empathy for people who were in that position.

DH and I *knew* that we couldn't afford a house. It's not just the mortgage; it's all the other stuff involved in a home. DH watched his dad lose a very nice home because of a business deal gone awry (and his dad was really stupid and sold the house even though he had business insurance that covered that time period), we watched DH's brother's then-partner lose both sides of a duplex that they were sharing with MIL and FIL in the very early days of the wonky foreclosures (my BIL's then-partner stopped paying the full mortgage without telling anyone, and the sheriff was at the door 6 months later, with only 10K total being owed...there was NO due process given, and if we cared at all about that ex-partner we would give him the paperwork FIL had in his files and help him fight and win), and I watched my dad buy a *second* house in the Santa Cruz area and nearly lose both houses... And these SAME people were telling us to buy a house, buy a big house, buy all the house we would be allowed, that it was all normal and houses were great and renting was awful....

We were the only people in our extended group that withstood the pressure, and we were glad. We nearly collapsed when we financed DVC in '09 and then faced a layoff just after the rescission period! What would a balloon payment have done to us????

[Also, I'm really philosophical and filled with principles, and I REFUSED to pay 400K for a house that was sold for 55K when I was in college and nothing has been done to it. No no no no no. Prices rise, but not THAT much.]

Please help her see that everyone was saying that it was all normal at the time. For a newbie, that was HARD to resist. Not to let her know that she should give in to pressure, but just as a way to have knowledge AND a bit of empathy for the people who just didn't know better and weren't being taught any better.

Hibiscus said:
However, to say "I was judged unfairly! I COULD REALLY AFFORD _____! I HAVE MONEY AND DID NOT DESERVE SUCH TREATMENT!" carries the subtle implication that people who are truly poor do, indeed, deserve this treatment - you just aren't one of THEM.

I think it's probably easy to read that into things, but I really doubt that it's what anyone is thinking.

It's why I leave when I get cruddy service that I believe is due to a judgment like that. I don't think it's right. I don't thik anyone shold be treated terribly. We were on food stamps when we were little, AND my mom smoked AND my mom had two big dogs. She tried and tried to stop smoking but it's *an addiction*. She had the dogs when she was married, and then suddenly she wasn't married anymore. What was she supposed to do with them? They were her babies almost as much as we were her babies. (it went *dog, me, dog, brother* chronologically) They had to get fed. So yes, sometimes she had food that food stamps covered, then she had cigarettes, and she had 50 lbs of dog food (two malamutes). One of the local stores treated her so poorly that she cried. She never went back. NEVER. I don't live there anymore, but I still glare at the building (still a Safeway) when I visit, and I will never shop there. (see above for philosophical principles aka stubbornness)

Being treated poorly because of a judgment about circumstances is rotten and I just won't be a part of it.

We had lousy service at Disneyland once, at Cafe Orleans, and the vibe the server gave off was palpable and obvious. He had several tables of people ordering half the menu around us. We were ordering fries, a salad, and an entree and we were sharing. This is what we *wanted to eat*. We don't drink soda. It was my 40th birthday and this had been planned and that is exactly what we wanted from their menu (we're vegetarian which lowers the options). People around us were seated, ordered, got food, and left while we were there the whole time just waiting and waiting every step of the way. He took so long getting our beignets at the end that I just asked him for a to go box because I couldn't be there any longer. Dude was ruining my birthday. And he didn't bring out the birthday beignets they were doing that year. DH disappeared for awhile; he was talking to the manager, explaining exactly why the server wasn't going to be tipped. He didn't want the server to think that he was right to treat us like that because obviously we weren't going to tip. We were *going to tip*. DH loves tipping. The dude created a self-fulfilling prophesy, and we needed to make sure he and his manager understood that he caused his lack of tip.

Anyway, I think that people just don't finish their sentences when telling their stories, and it might not be fair to fill it in for them by thinking that the end is "but really poor people deserve it".

MrsCobraBubbles said:
I understand that when you work commission things can get tense, but why would you risk alienating any potential customer when that customer could be your meal ticket?

Exactly. And yet they do it.

china mom · Feb 14, 2016

I had my "Pretty Woman" moment a few years back. I went tot he car dealership alone and dressed in my typical casual attire of jeans, t-shirt, pony tail etc. I don't know if it was my appearance or the fact that I "forgot to bring my husband" with me but I actually had a dealer tell me that they no longer did test drives.

Went back the next day, was assisted by a different salesman (turns out they do do test drives after all). Work out a great deal. Once the deal was worked out, I told him that I would take the blue one too at that price (for my mother - she paid for hers).

On the way out, I saw the first salesman and in true Pretty Woman style, I asked him if her remembered me and before he could answer, I told him "I bought two". Than moment will live with me forever..

brertoad · Feb 14, 2016

We went into Tiffany's to buy a gift for my sister in law, I had the feeling like they were wondering why we came into the store. I felt self-conscious, I don't dress up ever, I'm a jeans and a t-shirt person, Converse shoes, always will be. I own a couple Tiffany pieces myself, and wanted to get her a something. I let the sales associate know my budget was about $250 and he made some nice suggestions, and I bought her a silver necklace with a Tiffany heart charm one side blue, the other silver based on one of his combination suggestions. I think that the other salesmen were shocked I bought something.

My DH had an experience where he went shopping when he was dressed up - nice pants, dress shoes, dress shirt and tie, and he noticed how much nicer the people at the grocery store were to him, like "yes sir, what can I get for you sir". He said it was very noticeable, these are the same people at the deli counter, maybe they just see the clothes and not the person?

One time, my dentist asked me if I was going for a job interview or something to that effect, because I was wearing a fancy shirt, not a t-shirt, and I laughed and said no, just going to the bank that day.

Stacy's a freak · Feb 22, 2016

I just had an experience this week that was so interesting along these lines. I took some vacation days last week and went to a local kitchen remodeling/design store to see if they sell the same kitchen cabinets we have. We are considering adding an island or a peninsula to the existing cabinets. The previous homeowners recently remodeled the kitchen so the cabinets are nice and we like them - we just want more counter space. Since I wasn't able to find them in Home Depot or Lowes I wondered if the cabinets came from this place which is just around a mile from our house. I wandered into a small space and there were no other customers and the saleswoman definitely looked me up and down trying to size me up. I said I was just looking and she left me alone (which is good). But before I left I told her the scoop and asked for her advice/help/suggestions and her business card for estimates if we decide to go ahead with things. I don't think she could have told you what color eyes I have because she was too busy gauging our income from my ring fingers and ears and the kind of car I drive.

aquabone1109 · Feb 23, 2016

We live in a very nice neighborhood in North Miami. I inherited my home from my grandparents. Home needed a lot of updating. We sold our home where we made quite a bit of money and completely renovated the home from top to bottom. Took us over a year to get it done. We are now the only family on the block under 50. I also drive a 2013 Chevy Silverado and my wife drives a BMW SUV. My neighbor is the gossip artist on the street who informed me that everyone on the block thinks we are broke since I drive a pickup. Every other car on our street is either a Mercedes, Jaguar, Range Rover, Porsche or a Bentley.

For our anniversary, I replaced my wifes engagement setting. I went to a nice jeweler not too far from my home that specializes custom settings/jewelry. I was in shorts, sunglasses and I pulled up in my truck. The lady inside would not buzz me in.

writermommy6 · Feb 23, 2016

I've been through Macy's or some other "upscale" store in jeans and a tshirt only to be ignored. My grandpa was one of those that owned half the town but drove an old sedan and wore overalls. Most people never knew he carried a wad of $100 bills in his pocket

FairestOfThemAll37 · Feb 23, 2016

This threads seems to be lots of examples of judging by appearance rather than judged for being frugal.

In my mind, those are two totally different things. How you dress and how you spend money aren't really all that connected IMO.

FINFAN · Feb 26, 2016

I didn't read all the posts but I have noticed that I get looks of shock and questioned "why not" that I do not have a smart phone. This happens at stores when the cashiers ask if I have a coupon on my phone to everyone else annoyed that I can't group text, receive most pictures, stream music or anything etc. etc. It is by choice that I do not have a phone as I find it highly annoying to be paying for those things when I just need my phone to be a phone. I am being frugal by not paying for a data plan (which is redundant in my home, pet peeve) I have a tablet and PC for anything else I need. Matter of fact, I truly ENJOY being "disconnected" when driving, errands, whatever has me away from wi-fi access.

eliza61 · Feb 26, 2016

FINFAN said:
I didn't read all the posts but I have noticed that I get looks of shock and questioned "why not" that I do not have a smart phone. This happens at stores when the cashiers ask if I have a coupon on my phone to everyone else annoyed that I can't group text, receive most pictures, stream music or anything etc. etc. It is by choice that I do not have a phone as I find it highly annoying to be paying for those things when I just need my phone to be a phone. I am being frugal by not paying for a data plan (which is redundant in my home, pet peeve) I have a tablet and PC for anything else I need. Matter of fact, I truly ENJOY being "disconnected" when driving, errands, whatever has me away from wi-fi access.

I think that's more, that non smartphone's are becoming like dinosaurs. I ran into a coworker who still used a typewriter, she just like it. I was simply shocked because I thought they pretty much went the way of the dodo bird.

I have Sprint, I think the have only 1 or 2 non smartphone offering

tvguy · Feb 27, 2016

eliza61 said:
I think that's more, that non smartphone's are becoming like dinosaurs. I ran into a coworker who still used a typewriter, she just like it. I was simply shocked because I thought they pretty much went the way of the dodo bird.

Well, actually, dumbphone sales are up, smartphone sales are down.
http://www.eweek.com/mobile/why-dumb-feature-phones-could-make-a-comeback-around-the-world.html

And they are hip. The celebs are dumping their smartphones for dumbphones.

http://www.cnn.com/2014/11/20/tech/mobile/hip-flip-phones/

tvguy · Feb 27, 2016

tvguy said:
Well, actually, dumbphone sales are up, smartphone sales are down.
http://www.eweek.com/mobile/why-dumb-feature-phones-could-make-a-comeback-around-the-world.html

And they are hip. The celebs are dumping their smartphones for dumbphones.

http://www.cnn.com/2014/11/20/tech/mobile/hip-flip-phones/

As for typewriters, ha. When I went to get my taxes done, the secretary was unpacking her brand new typewriter. She said there are just too many things , like file labels that computers don't deal well with as well as a typewrit.er

AdamEfimoff · Feb 28, 2016

and people treat me this way because I am
1. fat
2. stay at fancier hotels then they do
3. have a disability

what I am saying is people hate difference so they feel the need to hate you for no reason. Do not let anyone pull you down for no reason

Ever treated differently because you are frugal?

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