To invite or NOT to invite cheating but grieving ex I dont like on my trip

I’m going to DL with my 16 y/o son and his friend but I’m still actually gonna be “Solo” since this is my sons friends first trip and I know they are gonna spilt from me eventually after we all do a few rides together and I give him the basic tour. Last year we went it was me, my two brothers, my son and I paid for another one of my sons friends whose first time it was there as well. First day we all stayed together. 2nd day I let the boy do their thing which made my son very happy so I’m expecting –and looking FORWARD to- the same this weekend.


I have a question and I know I’m going to get seriously flamed by some for this who will misinterpret me and make all kinds of assumptions to my character but I need advice on this pretty quick since we’re leaving Thursday.


I’m separated from my husband- have been for 3 years. The first 2 were spent not working towards divorce but because he was a bad alcoholic and after being in Jail for a year for a drunken assault on me, was placed in a court ordered VA program where he spent 5 months in a rehab and then was allowed to get an apartment and continue a supervised recovery program for a year and a half- during which time he wasn’t allowed to live with us- which was fine with me. I only didn’t divorce to give him the chance to complete the program and see if he could successfully learn to live a sober life. So I still visited him with the kids and stuff and we did family things on the weekend and I kept him in the loop as far as the family with the hope of him one day coming back to rejoin us. He had a few relapses during this time but he didn’t live with us so it didn’t affect us. But he did a LOT better than he was and was getting himself back on track and even went back to school and is working on his masters.


Well long story short shortly after he finished the program earlier this year, he went home to Missouri to visit his family and cheated on me with some ex thing. The nail in the coffin was that my son, who had gone with him along with his baby sister, walked in on them doing the nasty. Imagine having THAT in your head the rest of your life. He was devastated and I still remember his desperate phone call to me wanting me to come and get him- which I couldn’t because I’m in Texas. He had been having a great time meeting his cousins and my husband’s side of the family for the first time and now his trip was ruined. Not only that, they had taken the bus so he had to ride 23 hours back on the bus with him- I can imagine what an awful trip THAT was.


So, that’s why I’m divorcing my ex.


Now my dilemma.

About 3 weeks ago, my ex’s 17 year old daughter was killed in a tragic car accident. As a mother of 3 that is my biggest fear- losing one of my children and I can NOT imagine the pain he was and still is going through. I wouldn’t wish that on anybody. He’s only been back a week after burying his daughter and lives alone in his apartment across town from me.


In planning this random trip to DL for the Labor Day weekend, it occurred to me that it might be the right thing to do to extend an invite to my ex. I know it probably its lonely over there by himself- he keeps our daughter every weekend, but especially now so soon after losing his oldest. I was there for him %100 when he got the phone call and all the way to the airport- and I still check on him now that he’s back.

On one hand, I think it might be good for him to get out and be around us and in a place like DL. He’s never been to DL either and the trip might pull him out of his sadness and lift his spirits a little. On the other hand, I don’t know if a trip like that might make him feel WORSE?


But my biggest issue is that I don’t really want him to go and am struggling whether to ask him or not.

Since the affair I have a ROUGH time being around him. It took me months just to forgive him but I could never take him back and its very painful and awkward being around him. I got to the point where I am cordial and even joking and playful when I’m dropping my daughter off with him, and I’ll give him rides to the store or whatever if he needs it and take our daughter to the zoo with him, or to the park for a father’s day picnic because I know it’s important to get along for the kids’ sake. But my stomach is always in knots and I don’t really exhale until I’m in the car driving away from him; I never want to spend any more time with him than I HAVE to and have turned down invites to non-kid related events from him.


If I invite him to go with us on this trip and he accepts, that will be 13 LOOOOONG hours I’m stuck in the car with him. Then 3 days at Disney-which might be a little easier since we’ll be at DISNEY, but then 13 LOOOOOONG hours back with him. Not to mention the hotel room. I reserved a suite with a king bed in one room and a Bunk and sofa bed in another for the boys. Last time I got the same suite but with 2 king beds (my brothers shared on) and my son and his friend LOVED having their own room.

I don’t want my ex getting any funny ideas with there only being one king bed. I’m going to try and upgrade it to two but I doubt I’ll be able to this last min. I COULD tell him to sleep in the other room on the sofa bed but I don’t know if this would “ruin” the fun of having an adult-free room of their own for the boys since they probably want to talk about crushes and stuff. Would it be wrong to bring a blow up mattress and ask him to sleep there? Or that would embarrass him when the boys see it…but if he shared the bed with ME they might get the wrong idea…not to mention I would be mentally throwing up all night.


I don’t know what to do. I haven’t told him (my ex) we are going but I will have to even if I don’t bring him because he will have to keep our baby (shes not even 2…too young to be spending 3 hot days in Disney). If he DOES go, my firmed would keep the baby.


This is a hard choice for me to make. If I go without him ILL be much more comfortable for sure; I LOVE Disney , I’ll get to be “Solo” most of the trip in between goofing off with my son and his friend. I HATE the idea of the trip being ruined for me by having to spend all that time with someone I can barely stand for 20 minutes. I don’t know if I’ll be able to enjoy it- especially the car ride; having to laugh and joke and pretend I like and trust this man that has done so much wrong to me, but I’ll HAVE to pretend because otherwise Ill ruin the trip for the boys. Not to mention, how will my SON feel about it? HE’S the one who walked in in them. But at the same time, when I asked my son how he would feel about his stepdad going he said we should bring him, so I guess he’d be OK. It’s just ME .

Right thing to do would be to invite him, I know. But at the cost of my trip being ruined and me being an anxious emotional wreck inside the whole time.

But if I DON’T invite him, I’ll feel sucky and guilty inside and probably wouldn’t enjoy the trip anyway.

Urgh.!!! I just do NOT want to spend all that time with this man. I don’t even want to be that close to him that long. I’m trying to program my brain to shelve everything about HIM and just focus on the fact he just lost his daughter and hope that will make it easier. But I need …convincing I guess.

Does anyone understand what I'm talking about? What would you do?

Dionnemay said:

This is a hard choice for me to make. If I go without him ILL be much more comfortable for sure; I LOVE Disney , I’ll get to be “Solo” most of the trip in between goofing off with my son and his friend. I HATE the idea of the trip being ruined for me by having to spend all that time with someone I can barely stand for 20 minutes. I don’t know if I’ll be able to enjoy it- especially the car ride; having to laugh and joke and pretend I like and trust this man that has done so much wrong to me, but I’ll HAVE to pretend because otherwise Ill ruin the trip for the boys. Not to mention, how will my SON feel about it? HE’S the one who walked in in them. But at the same time, when I asked my son how he would feel about his stepdad going he said we should bring him, so I guess he’d be OK. It’s just ME .

Click to expand...

Your situation is certainly not a pleasant one but I think you have already answered your own question with this paragraph I quoted. Of course your son would be okay with him going he will be hanging with his buddy and you will be stuck with the "ex" instead of flying solo. If it were me I would have him take care of the little one and go enjoy yourself you sound like you earned it and deserve it. don't let a guilt trip make you do something you really don't want to do.

simple... Do NOT invite him.. If he cheats, he doesn't value you. Go, enjoy without him!

I think you are being extremely generous even considering the offer! If you want to bring him, I don't think that signifies that you trust him. You are acknowledging that this is someone you once loved, who is part of your children and who is going through a rough loss.

I don't think this is even a 'right' thing to do. Most people who are divorcing would not even think of paying for their soon to be divorced spouse to go on a trip to cheer them up. This would be a kind and generous thing to do, but I don't think a soul would blame you if you didn't take him.

I don't know the guy, but I think it's distinctly possible that he's going to be more happy spending a few days with the daughter he still has than spending a few days with the woman he cheated on. If you invite him, he may feel pressured to go because it's a trip with your son and you're being nice to extend the invitation. Then he might feel like he has to act happy at a time when he's actually grieving...

But frankly, the true bottom line is that you are going to be understandably uncomfortable. I don't think you should feel obligated to put yourself in that position.

I wouldn't. Not necessarily for the cheating or anything. Mainly because he would be an emotional mess that would probably end up being your responsibility to console. If that's what you want then go for it. If you're wanting to go have a good time then you need to leave him alone. I'm not trying to sound mean but it's like bringing a rain cloud with you. You owe this man nothing. Do yourself a favor and go have a blast with your DS.

Wow, you are way nicer than I would be in this situation. I would never in a million and a half years invite someone like that on my vacation.

No. You clearly have a kind heart but absolutely not.

Yes, it's a tragic situation for your ex but I would definitely not invite him along.

If it weren't for your shared children, you would not have a relationship with your ex. But you do have kids, and you're making great efforts to maintain being cordial and friendly for their sakes - be proud of this.

But that's where your responsibility ends. This trip has nothing to do with his relationship with your shared children. Your son will be spending all his time with his friend.

Your ex needs to develop more relationships and support systems other than you. He is less likely to do so if you continue to be there for him.

Do both yourself and him a favor - do not invite him.

He has had many challenges and tragedy - my heart goes out to him. But accompanying you this weekend will not help him in the long run.

If you want drama, invite him. If you want normal, don't.

Wow! Thank you everyone for your honest and kind replies. I was honestly a little nervous to come back and check the answers, fully expecting to be excoriated for being a cold hearted b*tch.
Maybe it was just my own guilt- I know everything that you all have said is true but I think theres a little but of leftover enabler from my days of being married to him and taking on the responsibility for everything he did- everything my family did. I guess getting away from doing that is easier said than done. You all have verbalized and seem to have a real understanding and empathy for the situation and how I feel and I'm shocked you didn't jump to his defense and villanize me -if you had, I would have invited him and spent the next few days trying to convince myself it was the right thing and fighting my anxiety.

But I'm so relieved that I'm NOT wrong or evil for not wanting to bring him. And some of you even put it in a perspective I hadn't thought of like maybe just having the extra time with his baby will be better for him this early on. I have decided to go with my gut and not bring him. HE will do what he has done historically and go into victim mode and make me feel cold and evil - maybe that's why expected it from you all.
But thank you all, and I feel much better and relieved. I asked m son again tonite and he said he only said I should invite him because he didn't want me to be by myself because he knew he and his friend would want to go off together sometimes.

So that was also a big relief to me- I thought my son WANTED his stepdad to go thinking of HIM, but he was actually thinking of ME
So I told him I was fine with being alone there sometimes and reminded him we did that our last trip and I actually enjoyed the "me" time to explore the park at my own pace and shop and do the "boring" things that the boys didn't want to do.

So , now all I have to do is break the news to my ex...

Thanks all! I feel much better

Hello, I'm coming in to this conversation a little late, but it looks like you made the right decision for you and your family! My husband (together 12 years, 3 kids) are separating and we just did our last 13 day trip to WDW together. No jealousy, resentment or any emotional relationship fallout left. But let me tell you how dull it was to not have another adult who wanted to share the fun. We never want to explore the parks at the same pace and he never offers to take the little ones, I have to tell him it's his turn. And 15 hours each way in the car, not thrilling!
Luckily for you his "victim mode" is all his problem! Clearly one he needs to work on. It's not your job to fix any of that.

So sweet of your son to be thinking of you! Have fun on your trip!

I would not have even given this any thought to invite him. It's your vacation and you are divorced. He has no right to infringe on your vacation.

There's been recent drama with him that broke the camel's back for you and it's why you divorced him. You have admitted he has had relapses with the drink side. To this is like a time bomb ready to go off again. Why would you want to subject yourself to that behavior on vacation or any other time.

Dionnemay said:

HE will do what he has done historically and go into victim mode and make me feel cold and evil - maybe that's why expected it from you all.

Click to expand...

This could also be called "manipulation mode" and is common with abusers. Glad you are realizing this and you are free of him at last. Congratulations and have a great trip!!