Party Etiquette - Uncomfortable with other guest invited

whtyger97 · Jul 6, 2015

My sister has a friend who is a registered sex offender (high school teacher/student, though the sex offender registry classified victim as an adult). My sister met this friend when he was a high school teacher and she was a student at the school, she is now married and over 30. He's done his time, but I have no interest in being around him, and do not understand why my sister chooses to be friends with him, especially since she has two young girls.

When she invites him to parties, I won't even say I try to be polite to him, the best I'll say is I try not to be rude, I may say hi when he walks in, but will not carry on a conversation with him. My husband or I held our son the entire time we were at the party, and would never he leave him alone with him, but just the idea he's even there makes me uncomfortable.

WWYD?

Posted an update with info from news story, 3 victims identified by the news story.

ronandannette · Jul 6, 2015

I guess either keep on doing what you're doing or decline to attend when he's invited. Based on the limited information you've given about his crime, I honestly don't believe your small son is in any danger.

LisaR · Jul 6, 2015

I don't believe teachers should have relationships with students still in school. No matter the ages involved, I lose all respect for the teacher. If we were talking about a 5th grader and teacher, I'd never be able to be in the same room with that scumbag no matter how many years have passed or time served. If we are talking about two adults (as you mentioned) I still think the teacher is 100% wrong, but I could easily handle seeing him at a party. I don't think anyone expects you to be best friends, just don't be rude.

As for your son, that really doesn't make any sense. This teacher did not go after small boys. Was the student a male or female? If it was a female, you have zero reason to be concerned. His "type" is young adult females. If the student was a young adult male, you still have very little to concern yourself with regarding a young child. Predators have a certain type and it doesn't sound like your son is anywhere near the right age.

Honestly, if you are going to be on alert so much that you can't even enjoy yourself, stay home. But remember, you and your son are probably walking around Disney or your local mall with far more unscrupulous individuals than this teacher.

NHdisneylover · Jul 6, 2015

I agree with the post above that you son is not likely in any danger based on what little information you provide.

It is not your place to tell your sister who she can or cannot invite to her parties, and it is not appropriate to be rude to fellow guests. Don't TRY not to be rude to her guest, don't be--and if that is too much for you, simply politely decline invites from her.

HM · Jul 6, 2015

I actually don't see why this bothers you so much. His crime was an isolated one, not likely to happen again...and has no bearing on you and your family. But it does bother you, and that's what matters to you. If you know he's going to be there, decline the invite.

gwynne · Jul 6, 2015

I don't really see a danger to your son, but I do think the situation is a little strange.
From what you said, your sister was a student at the time the teacher was arrested and prosecuted. Did she know the student who was involved with the teacher? Was your sister also friends with this teacher while she was a high school student? It sounds like this is some sort of meaningful long term friendship to your sister, or she wouldn't maintain it.
Kinda odd to me, but people do lots of odd things.

whtyger97 · Jul 6, 2015

ronandannette said:
I guess either keep on doing what you're doing or decline to attend when he's invited. Based on the limited information you've given about his crime, I honestly don't believe your small son is in any danger.

LisaR said:
I don't believe teachers should have relationships with students still in school.

Honestly, if you are going to be on alert so much that you can't even enjoy yourself, stay home. But remember, you and your son are probably walking around Disney or your local mall with far more unscrupulous individuals than this teacher.

I live 2 hours away and was not told he would be there till we arrived. I thought it was a 'family' party but my sister invited two friends and he was one of them. I'm much more worried for her daughters and the fact that he's allowed to be a family friend to them. I don't want them seeing me being OK with him and think its OK to let their guard down around him. I would feel differently if the party did NOT involve any children. Walking around Disney doesn't send the message this person is OK to children, you tell them NOT to talk to strangers, not invite them into home and share a beer. This was a story in the news, but I don't want to drag out all the details, but my memory is that there was more than one student, but they only had enough to prosecute for one. Another teacher was dismissed for having knowledge of the situation but not reporting it.

NHdisneylover said:
I agree with the post above that you son is not likely in any danger based on what little information you provide.

It is not your place to tell your sister who she can or cannot invite to her parties, and it is not appropriate to be rude to fellow guests. Don't TRY not to be rude to her guest, don't be--and if that is too much for you, simply politely decline invites from her.

Yes, but what would YOU do?

Mizzoufan · Jul 6, 2015

Was your sister the victim?

whtyger97 · Jul 6, 2015

gwynne said:
I don't really see a danger to your son, but I do think the situation is a little strange.
From what you said, your sister was a student at the time the teacher was arrested and prosecuted. Did she know the student who was involved with the teacher? Was your sister also friends with this teacher while she was a high school student? It sounds like this is some sort of meaningful long term friendship to your sister, or she wouldn't maintain it.
Kinda odd to me, but people do lots of odd things.

My sister became friends with him while she was a student at the school. I'm unsure if any of the incidents with other students happened while she was a student. She graduated and remained friends with him, his wife, his wife's family and their two daughters. The wife is the one who discovered what was going on and exposed him to the school and law enforcement. At that time I'd say my sister was about 10 years out of high school. My sister choses the sex offender over the wife, and since no one else would take the girls to visit their father in prison, she took them. I haven't seen his girls since so I'm not sure what the current custody situation is there. I think the wife may have moved away to limit his contact to his daughters.

FlightlessDuck · Jul 6, 2015

whtyger97 said:
My sister has a friend who is a registered sex offender (high school teacher/student, though the sex offender registry classified victim as an adult). My sister met this friend when he was a high school teacher and she was a student at the school, she is now married and over 30. He's done his time, but I have no interest in being around him, and do not understand why my sister chooses to be friends with him, especially since she has two young girls.

Pedophilia and ephebophilia aren't the same thing. I'm not defending the guy, I'm just saying somebody who's attracted to, say, 15 year olds, isn't, by default, attracted to young children. I mean, sure, he could be. But that doesn't mean he is.

whtyger97 · Jul 6, 2015

Mizzoufan said:
Was your sister the victim?

Not to my knowledge

whtyger97 · Jul 6, 2015

FlightlessDuck said:
Pedophilia and ephebophilia aren't the same thing. I'm not defending the guy, I'm just saying somebody who's attracted to, say, 15 year olds, isn't, by default, attracted to young children.

I agree, but what about in 7 years when the young girls have always seen this person at parties, and are now very comfortable around him?

gwynne · Jul 6, 2015

whtyger97 said:
My sister became friends with him while she was a student at the school. I'm unsure if any of the incidents with other students happened while she was a student. She graduated and remained friends with him, his wife, his wife's family and their two daughters. The wife is the one who discovered what was going on and exposed him to the school and law enforcement. At that time I'd say my sister was about 10 years out of high school. My sister choses the sex offender over the wife, and since no one else would take the girls to visit their father in prison, she took them. I haven't seen his girls since so I'm not sure what the current custody situation is there. I think the wife may have moved away to limit his contact to his daughters.

Is your sister married/in a committed relationship?

I have to say this sounds like more than a friendship. She's pretty involved. I would keep that in mind. If ex-offender is frequently around, maybe just be thoughtful about limiting your stress. Sometimes you go, sometimes you don't.

Mizzoufan · Jul 6, 2015

whtyger97 said:
Not to my knowledge

After reading the update about the guy wife leaving and she taking the kids to see him in jail. I now wonder if there not more then friendship going on bewteen the two of them

FlightlessDuck · Jul 6, 2015

whtyger97 said:
I agree, but what about in 7 years when the young girls have always seen this person at parties, and are now very comfortable around him?

Well, sure, that is a concern. I mean, I can't argue with how you feel. I'm just saying you shouldn't necessarily be afraid he's going to go after your nieces or your son.

Mizzoufan · Jul 6, 2015

What do your other family memebers think on this subject?

sam_gordon · Jul 6, 2015

whtyger97 said:
I live 2 hours away and was not told he would be there till we arrived. I thought it was a 'family' party but my sister invited two friends and he was one of them. I'm much more worried for her daughters and the fact that he's allowed to be a family friend to them. I don't want them seeing me being OK with him and think its OK to let their guard down around him. I would feel differently if the party did NOT involve any children. Walking around Disney doesn't send the message this person is OK to children, you tell them NOT to talk to strangers, not invite them into home and share a beer. This was a story in the news, but I don't want to drag out all the details, but my memory is that there was more than one student, but they only had enough to prosecute for one. Another teacher was dismissed for having knowledge of the situation but not reporting it.

I also don't understand the concern about your sister's "young girls". If they were HS age or maybe MS age, then I could sort of see the concern, but when you say "young", I read elementary age or younger. I don't see the issue.

Yes, but what would YOU do?

First, I don't think that would bother me to the level it does you. I would either grin and bear it, and definitely not be rude to him, or let sister know I'm uncomfortable around him and ask if he's invited to gatherings. If I'm that uncomfortable, I wouldn't attend.

whtyger97 · Jul 6, 2015

Mizzoufan said:
What do your other family memebers think on this subject?

No on else has young kids. My mom is not thrilled with it, but feel its up to my sister. I would be more tolerant of the situation if it was an adult only event, but my sister doesn't see any issue with inviting him to events around kids, for example to her daughters dance recital.

kamik86 · Jul 6, 2015

My family has had a similar issue in that one member of my family is dating someone that is on the registered offender list.

I'll tell you how we deal with him at family events where he is there. We are polite. Thank him when he helps with things (which he does frequently) and just never leave him alone with the kids. Which frankly is pretty easy... I am rarely alone with any of the kids either... maybe if I take of the babies upstairs to change them or put them down for a nap but that is the only time.... because there are generally 10-15 people in the house no one is really alone with anyone.

whtyger97 · Jul 6, 2015

sam_gordon said:
I also don't understand the concern about your sister's "young girls". If they were HS age or maybe MS age, then I could sort of see the concern, but when you say "young", I read elementary age or younger. I don't see the issue.

First, I don't think that would bother me to the level it does you. I would either grin and bear it, and definitely not be rude to him, or let sister know I'm uncomfortable around him and ask if he's invited to gatherings. If I'm that uncomfortable, I wouldn't attend.

Do you have nieces or daughters? How would you feel if you 'grin and bear it' and something ended up happening later? I agree, I don't think anything is happening as they are young, but its creating an environment where this person is a friend of mommy's and is OK to be around.

Party Etiquette - Uncomfortable with other guest invited

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