Having a hard time dealing with brother's death (Updated)

mrsheppo

mrsheppo

Mom to 11 and still partially sane
Joined
Mar 21, 2003
My brother died this last week. He was diagnosed as bi-polar many years ago and has suffered with poor health. The reports I have received were that he was driving and veered off the road and hit a tree. EMTs were unable to revive him. The reason I bring up the bi-polar is that the day he died was our late mother's birthday. Over the last few years, he has fallen into more of a depression over the deaths of our parents. He has repeatedly posted on Facebook how he wishes he could be with them.

I have these thoughts going through my head that this may have been a deliberate accident on his part. Everything has fallen to me to take care of final arrangements for my brother and to get his apartment cleaned out. The coroner's office called me yesterday that the apartment conditions were deplorable and in extreme hoarder conditions with potential bio-hazard there. He had a small $10,000 life insurance policy but the beneficiary named was his boss. He has been estranged from me for over a year as he wanted me to do something illegal and I refused.

We have another brother and sister who live in Texas and I offered to pay airfare if one of the would come out and help me with final arrangements and they refused. They were very close to him, much closer than me. My brother in Texas told me tonight that they stuck me with everything because they have too many bills and I have lots of money. My DH and I are not well off by any means and these costs are putting a dent in our savings. My brother and sister each want 1/3 of anything of monetary value.

My late brother's friends are all waxing poetic on Facebook about how he was the greatest guy they had ever known. His boss (who he left the insurance to) told me that customers are wanting to donate to have a memorial service so they can have a barbeque and car show. His boss told me what my brother's final wishes were, including this big car show. I have paid for my brother's cremation and I am being asked how much I want to contribute the memorial service. I can't really afford anything to put this on. I am probably going to have to hire a bio-hazard team to clean out his apartment or I am afraid his landlord may come after me and sue me since I am the next of kin.

The pain and shame I am going through is really tearing me apart. My husband and kids are offering support but my siblings have basically turned their backs on me.

I am sorry to be venting but I am having a really hard time dealing with all of this. Thanks for listening.
 
I'm going through some similar things when a family member died unexpectedly, so I know a little about the daily roller coaster of the whole thing. This may sound harsh, but first, prepare yourself not to get answers. It's possible that they will not be able to determine the cause of the accident, but try not to let that get to you. Sometimes things happen, and we have to deal with them without knowing why it's happening. It's possible that your brother wasn't even aware of the date or it's significance. My family member scheduled surgery on the anniversary of their mother's death, and ended up dying due to a complication. One thing we've talked about is that while I don't think I would have picked that date for surgery, birth and death dates are not held sacred or observed by everyone, and that's ok. So while I think it's sad that mother and child died on the same date, it wasn't a significant date for everyone affected by this.

Now about the financial information. I'm assuming he died without a will. Do you know if he had any outstanding debt, like loans or credit card bills? Will there be any property left after his debts are paid? If everything goes to probate, are you prepared to be the executor and go through the process for 6-9 months or longer? You should consult an attorney and find out what are the costs of probate, and also what would happen if you just left a 3rd party to handle the estate. In our case there is a home and retirement money, so we're paying the debts in an attempt to keep the home. There was no life insurance and due to the probate all accounts are frozen, so we paid funeral costs and are covering the mortgage out of pocket. We paid the credit cards bills at first but our attorney advised that we could stop because we filed with the court and notified the creditors. We also had to pay out of pocket for a bond to the court, plus filing fees and attorney's fees. But if your brother's property amounts to something like, a car, a TV and some stuff, you might just consider letting it go. If your siblings want to split everything, one of them can be named the executor. It might vary state to state, but I don't believe that a landlord can come after you as just next of kin if you don't have an of your brother's property for him to make a claim against. Plus, isn't that what a security deposit is supposed to cover.
 
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You do not have to be the executor of his estate. You could in fact deny that role. Just throwing that out there.

The debts of your brother are not yours. As "next of kin" with the apartment, that would only come into play IF he had you listed on the lease.

Now if you become the executor of his estate, the landlord can try to sue to the estate, and probably will for damages. That being said there is a legal hierarchy of who gets paid first. Debtors will put liens on the estate. None of this will need to be paid by you, it will be paid from his estate.

If he has no money you will file the paperwork. It is a huge PITA that could take up to a year or more, just so you know. You will need a lawyer but I would not get one until you get a hold of his estate and named as executor and pay from his estate.

Sorry for your loss.
 
First, I'm sorry you're dealing with all of this. The boss should pay using the insurance money. I have heard also that occasionally insurance companies will not pay out to the named beneficiary if there isn't a connection of some kind where the beneficiary is impacted financially by the person dying. Were he and his boss that close? I also don't think the landlord can come after you in any way unless you are on the lease. Realistically you are not forced by law to do anything that you have or are doing unless he had a will and you are the executor. Do you know what the laws are concerning wills or lack thereof in your state?
 
bdcp said:
First, I'm sorry you're dealing with all of this. The boss should pay using the insurance money. I have heard also that occasionally insurance companies will not pay out to the named beneficiary if there isn't a connection of some kind where the beneficiary is impacted financially by the person dying. Were he and his boss that close? I also don't think the landlord can come after you in any way unless you are on the lease. Realistically you are not forced by law to do anything that you have or are doing unless he had a will and you are the executor. Do you know what the laws are concerning wills or lack thereof in your state?
Click to expand...

You can name anyone the beneficiary and they do not have to contribute a dime to the estate.
 
I am so sorry.
That whole situation is awful.
You should not have to deal with that alone.
 
:hug: Sorry you are going through this, Barbara.
Terrible situation for you.
Best wishes to you and your family.
 
Good Morning,

:hug: from someone who feels your pain - I buried my brother last week too (albeit under very different circumstances). Please try to come to peace with the accident - whether he was or was not in control of the car can't make any difference now.

As for the more practical problems, you sound like a very honourable person with a strong sense of duty and I deeply respect that. But nothing you've said would lend itself to any legal obligation and at the end of the day, you can only do what you can do. It is unthinkable that you and your DH would exhaust your own personal resources trying to finalize everything. If there is no legal Will where you have been named as a heir or as Executor (a role you must agree to), you are no more legally responsible than your other siblings. I agree that you should let the State handle the matter however they will.

The "Boss" in your story sounds deplorably insensitive. As you have already seen to your DB's final disposition, I would simply inform him that you and your siblings will be memorializing your DB privately as a family and that while the workplace is free to proceed however they wish, you will neither be contributing to nor attending their event. (I'm assuming you don't know any of these people well, or the "facebook friends" you've mentioned - you don't own any of them any further explanation.)

The situation with your siblings is, in my opinion, the most difficult issue you face. If you were once close and now they have inexplicably "bailed" on you, I understand how incredibly hurtful that would be. If you are actually close, I'd take the money you offered for their plane fare and fly myself to where they are. Spend a day or two together remembering your brother - laugh and cry together and begin to process the loss. Tell them very clearly what's happening with the estate and that any "final settlement" is out of your control. But whatever you do, please, please don't react by simply taking on the entire burden and trying to "fix" everything for everybody - this is a family dynamic I'm familiar with and it will not end well. You are in my prayers. :flower3:
 
I am so sorry. Losing a sibling is so hard regardless of the situation. You may never know just what happened. And many explanations will come from others or within yourself, but after awhile you will be able to just accept what you know as fact and let the rest go. It just takes time.

The fb posts by friends are normal regardless of the truth of them. If it bothers you, just stay away from it for awhile. But if it doesn't, embrace others memories of him. Those memories may be different than what you know but they may still be very real to them.

I don't know anything about the money and legalities but I do know that my sil did not have to pay anything that was only in my brothers name and my niece did not have to pay any of my nephew's debts and she was the only living immediate family.

Tell your brother's boss that due to so many expenses with the final arrangements you just can't give anything to the memorial but thank him for what he is doing and let it go.

Above all don't beat yourself up over what ypu can't do. And don't dwell on what was going on in his life, this wasn't something you could have fixed.
 
Thank you to all for your understanding and support. He had no will and nothing really of value other than his vehicle and some coins that were recovered from his apartment. He was never married or had children. There was no one named as an executor so I am not about to volunteer. As for my other siblings, we have not really been close in years. I was planning a trip to go visit them in April to try and reconcile our differences but I have now cancelled. Over the years, I've basically been the one that was left out of the family. I will be traveling tomorrow to finish up attending to his final arrangements and then returning home. I thank God I do have a family of my husband, kids and grandkids that are close and supportive. Again, thank you all for your words of comfort and advice. I really appreciate them.
 
Barbara, I am so sorry to hear of your loss.
Walk away from the apartment, this is not your responsibility. My mother was an extreme hoarder and after we went through her apartment looking for pictures, family things etc, we then walked away. The apt complex was ticked but they evicted her for hoarding and even though I was here legal guardian, I had no responsibility for her affairs. The apartment may try and guilt you into dealing with it so they don't have too but you have no responsibility whatsoever. Walk-away.

Your siblings sound selfish and self centered, you do what you want to do, what you feel you are capable of and what you are willing to do, then let it go.

Sorry you are dealing with this without sibling support.
I'm not sure how the law works, but without a will, I have no idea how his "estate" as meager as it is can be dispersed.
 
I'm so sorry for what you're going through. My MIL died on my FIL's birthday almost 19 years ago when she stepped out in front of a car. We know that she had been unhappy living alone since FIL had died. We think she was probably just distracted or misjudged the speed of the car, but the thought of it being deliberate did enter everyone's mind at some point. It really didn't matter in the end. I don't have any advice regarding the estate, except to find out exactly what your responsibilities are and not to let anyone take advantage of you. If your brother's boss wants to have a big BBQ in his honor, you are certainly not obligated to finance it. In fact, that would be a lovely way for the boss to spend the insurance money.
 
mrsheppo said:
My brother died this last week. He was diagnosed as bi-polar many years ago and has suffered with poor health. The reports I have received were that he was driving and veered off the road and hit a tree. EMTs were unable to revive him. The reason I bring up the bi-polar is that the day he died was our late mother's birthday. Over the last few years, he has fallen into more of a depression over the deaths of our parents. He has repeatedly posted on Facebook how he wishes he could be with them....My late brother's friends are all waxing poetic on Facebook about how he was the greatest guy they had ever known. His boss (who he left the insurance to) told me that customers are wanting to donate to have a memorial service so they can have a barbeque and car show. His boss told me what my brother's final wishes were, including this big car show. I have paid for my brother's cremation and I am being asked how much I want to contribute the memorial service. I can't really afford anything to put this on. I am probably going to have to hire a bio-hazard team to clean out his apartment or I am afraid his landlord may come after me and sue me since I am the next of kin.

The pain and shame I am going through is really tearing me apart. My husband and kids are offering support but my siblings have basically turned their backs on me.

I am sorry to be venting but I am having a really hard time dealing with all of this. Thanks for listening.
Click to expand...
....so sorry for your loss and your pain...:hug:
 
I'm so sorry for your loss. My sister died in 2013 and it is the worst think I've endured. I agree with others......step away from the situation, you've done what you can. Praying for peace for you.
 
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