Paying for your adult childs wedding

Don't forget she wants to buy a house, also. Obviously choices have to be made. They can't have it all unless they have unlimited funds. This should be something she realizes at 35.

I would also say please take your IRA off the table. You can't borrow money for retirement, as you can for a house or wedding.

If it were my daughter I'd recommend she cut back on wedding costs if they're not something she and her fiance can comfortably afford on their own (with perhaps a little help from parents, if they can comfortably afford it), and concentrate on buying a home. But then again, I'm not a fan of lavish spending on a wedding. DH and I paid for our own with minimal help from our parents at ages much younger than your daughter. I sometimes wish we didn't spend anything on a wedding and bought a house a year or two earlier than we did, when prices were literally skyrocketing.

Mature people understand the economy tanked and circumstances for many changed.

This is basically what I was going to post.

I wish my parents would have offered us a set amount of money because DH & I would have used it toward our home rather than a wedding. (My parents insisted on, planned, and mostly paid for our wedding despite DH and I feeling it was unnecessary.) They're now trying to do that with my sister (last one in the family to get married). Instead of taking the money (maybe spend a modest amount on a wedding and put the rest toward house), she has decided to postpone the wedding a year so she can save up enough (to add on top of what my parents have offered to contribute) to have the type of wedding she wants. I just don't get it.
 
This is basically what I was going to post.

I wish my parents would have offered us a set amount of money because DH & I would have used it toward our home rather than a wedding. (My parents insisted on, planned, and mostly paid for our wedding despite DH and I feeling it was unnecessary.) They're now trying to do that with my sister (last one in the family to get married). Instead of taking the money (maybe spend a modest amount on a wedding and put the rest toward house), she has decided to postpone the wedding a year so she can save up enough (to add on top of what my parents have offered to contribute) to have the type of wedding she wants. I just don't get it.
I have a friend who had seven kids in her family. Their parents offered each one of them a set, modest amount to use on either a house or a wedding. It was interesting to see how each chose to spend it.

I honestly don't get it, either, today, when everything is so expensive. Mortgage rates are unbelievably low (ours was 11.5% when we bought) it seems young folks would be smart to take advantage of that. (As well as keep college debt and wedding costs low.) It will have ripple effects for years to come if they go into debt for a wedding.
 
I haven't been on the boards for a while but this community seems a good place to seek advice on social norms. My 30 something daughter is in a significant relationship, not yet "engaged". But she talks of marriage and wedding and honeymoon costs to me frequently. She also wants to buy a home. She has lived and worked very independently since she graduated from college.

Now both of us took out loans for her education. An east coast out of state school even with financial aid cost us an arm and a leg. She was a stellar student and graduated a semester early. But when the economy tanked she was laid off from her job and we paid her bills for a couple of months until she found a new job.

But to get back to the point, even though there's been no proposal yet she's talking wedding costs to me. When she was a teenager and obsessed with a 4 day wedding I had promised X amount to her for her wedding. Well the recession hit us hard and now we can only offer 1/4 of that. But here's the thing. Her salary is higher than her dad's. And her boyfriend makes more than she does.

I told her how much money we could afford to give her. She was so curt, so disappointed. I have a traditional IRA from when I was working that has plenty of money to cover her wedding. I just need to die!

I'm venting here because I don't want to say something really mean but can't take back.

Other mothers out there, what do you think?


Lol, don't sweat it EMS, she'll get over it. Disappointment happens. its called life.

my kids catch attitudes every once in a while also, I look at them like they're crazy. let me get this straight, you're getting huffy over MY money!! Really??

Very calmly state how much you can help out and call it a day.
 
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I have a friend who had seven kids in her family. Their parents offered each one of them a set, modest amount to use on either a house or a wedding. It was interesting to see how each chose to spend it.

I honestly don't get it, either, today, when everything is so expensive. Mortgage rates are unbelievably low (ours was 11.5% when we bought) it seems young folks would be smart to take advantage of that. (As well as keep college debt and wedding costs low.) It will have ripple effects for years to come if they go into debt for a wedding.

Its about what you want Pea. my parents did the same thing. gave us 20 grand for a wedding or a down payment. I wanted a wedding. I wanted the memory, the glamour and the celebration.

Now I'm a bit of the opposite. I hate how the nanosecond young adults get a job they are forced into the "don't even think about spending a dime because when your 85 you'll need the money" march.

I get that times are different, but it seems sad that we are raising a generation of young adults who no longer can "dream" because they have to worry about the "ripple" effects in 40 years. Can some one tell me what's wrong with young folks living in an apartment?

I totally admit when I was 25 I did not want to worry about how I was going to eat at 75. lol.

I'm also glad my dh and I weren't on a mission to buy a house. We went to Portugal and lived for 2 years before returning to the states.

My son has a wonderful opportunity to go to Australia this summer for 16 months. I'm encouraging him to go. Nope he won't be able to save for his retirement or a house but I'm hoping he'll get a life changing event.


LOL, wow did I just got off on a tangent. sorry
 
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Lol, don't sweat it EMS, she'll get over it. Disappointment happens. its called life.

my kids catch attitudes every once in a while also, I look at them like they're crazy. let me get this straight, you're getting huffy over MY money!! Really??

Very calmly state how much you can help out and call it a day.

I like this outlook. OP, I would just ignore your DD's reaction and move on. I would decide what works for you and your DH and communicate it and then stick with it unapologetically. You don't need anyone else's blessing or reassurance on this. Whatever works for you - for whatever reason - is the right decision.

And as a side note I think that 30-ish is when one's child starts to realize that their parents aren't invincible. It's usually a little bit uncomfortable to realize that your parents are no longer willing and/or able to provide for you. That you are now more like a peer with them than having a parent/child relationship. Having parents as a financial back up is a great feeling but is not realistic in most families. Her next wake up call will be when she has kids and realizes that *she* is now the parent who has to provide for her children lol!
 
OP- what do you mean about obsessing over a 4 DAY wedding??
What wedding lasts 4 days!?

In your 30's the wedding should be slightly toned down....smaller scale than , let's say, Julia Roberts wedding in Steel Magnolias- ya know what I mean?

DIL's good friend mid 30's had hers at a rustic vineyard- ceremony at their Arbor, then food at long trestle table in their rustic barn,,,,bride did all the flowers and decorations...it was smallish and simple...love it!
 
OP- what do you mean about obsessing over a 4 DAY wedding??
What wedding lasts 4 days!?

In your 30's the wedding should be slightly toned down....smaller scale than , let's say, Julia Roberts wedding in Steel Magnolias- ya know what I mean?

DIL's good friend mid 30's had hers at a rustic vineyard- ceremony at their Arbor, then food at long trestle table in their rustic barn,,,,bride did all the flowers and decorations...it was smallish and simple...love it!
Especially since it is the boyfriend's second marriage.
 


Good parents help their kids get set up for their lives to the best of their ability. The OP already fulfilled that.

Many years ago, the way parents helped their kids was helping them set up their new household. Now most parents help by helping with college. I think the parents paying for weddings is a very outdated custom that simply doesn't make sense for the way we live now. Parents hosted weddings when it was to launch their kids, most kids are already launched by the time they get married now.

I'm getting my boys set up for life by getting them through college. I have no intention of paying for wedding stuff. I may give them a "gift" which will probably be money. If they choose to use that to help with wedding costs they can.

I got married at 29 and, as a fully functioning adult, paid for my own wedding. I paid for the wedding. DH paid for the honeymoon. That said, my parents gave me a monetary gift that paid for almost half the wedding because of the wedding I planned. (They gave me 1K, I spent a little over 2K for a budget friendly wedding.) We will probably give our boys 5K each as a gift. That could pay for half of a 10K wedding if they wanted to plan that way.
 
Also I would say "I wish I could" so she knows you do wish you could give more. You don't think she doesn't deserve a great wedding, you just can't safely give as much as you thought you could before.
I would absolutly not say that! That implies that you think she deserves it and that she is is entitled to it.
A gift is a gift!
 
A "30 something" daughter with a good job is not a child, and should be financially independent.

You are not responsible for bankrolling her dreams of playing Cinderella for a day, especially at the expense of your retirement fund!

She and her (not even engaged) boyfriend sound well able to throw their own party, based on their own wishes and financial ability.

(When you bailed her out earlier, did you approach that as a gift or as a loan? If a loan, have you considered perhaps simply forgiving repayment of that support as a wedding gift? It may be largely ceremonial, as it doesn't sound like she'd expect to repay you anyway, but might be a satisfying gesture. :) )
 
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I haven't been on the boards for a while but this community seems a good place to seek advice on social norms. My 30 something daughter is in a significant relationship, not yet "engaged". But she talks of marriage and wedding and honeymoon costs to me frequently. She also wants to buy a home. She has lived and worked very independently since she graduated from college.

Now both of us took out loans for her education. An east coast out of state school even with financial aid cost us an arm and a leg. She was a stellar student and graduated a semester early. But when the economy tanked she was laid off from her job and we paid her bills for a couple of months until she found a new job.

But to get back to the point, even though there's been no proposal yet she's talking wedding costs to me. When she was a teenager and obsessed with a 4 day wedding I had promised X amount to her for her wedding. Well the recession hit us hard and now we can only offer 1/4 of that. But here's the thing. Her salary is higher than her dad's. And her boyfriend makes more than she does.

I told her how much money we could afford to give her. She was so curt, so disappointed. I have a traditional IRA from when I was working that has plenty of money to cover her wedding. I just need to die!

I'm venting here because I don't want to say something really mean but can't take back.

Other mothers out there, what do you think?

I think that she can either accept the money that you have told her you will give her and plan a wedding based on that, enhance the budget with their own money as well or she can pay for it all and you keep what you were going to give her.

My husband and I are attending two weddings this summer, one is my sisters oldest son, and the other is my husbands oldest niece. My sister is helping my nephew but they were very grateful for what ever amount my sister and brother in law were willing to give.

My husbands niece went to her father and told him what she needed. He had not prepared at all for the wedding and went to my in-laws and asked to borrow money. my father in-law (who has helped him in the past to the tune of approximately 10K) said no. So I guess my BIL is taking out a loan against his 401K. Now my niece and her fiancé are both making a pretty good living and have been together long enough that (IMO) they could have and should have been planning for this and the bill that goes with it. Not to mention that my BIL could have/should have as well.

My husband and I were both a little surprised that the in-laws said no. But better late than never.
 
Isn't usually the bride side of the family that pays for the wedding? Or has that gone by the wayside?
 
The problem is that the OP promised a set amount of money. It doesn't matter how much time passes, a young lady remembers pretty much anything in regards to her wedding (even if she wasn't even dating at the time). I'd be mad, too, if someone promised something and then renegged.

Be understanding of this bit, sit down with her and explain that the recession hit you hard but now this $$$ is what we can give you. Reality sucks, but I can totally see why the daughter is cranky about it. She's had that dollar amount tattooed on the inside of her eyeballs ever since you said it.
 
From your signature, I see that you have two DVC contracts.

Gift her the use of that as a honeymoon present.
 
I had to chuckle at the title of this thread. I hope if you are getting married you are an adult. ;)

OP, you just have to tell your daughter what you can afford. She shouldn't expect you to pay for a 4 day event. You are needing to be saving for retirement.
 
Its about what you want Pea. my parents did the same thing. gave us 20 grand for a wedding or a down payment. I wanted a wedding. I wanted the memory, the glamour and the celebration.

Now I'm a bit of the opposite. I hate how the nanosecond young adults get a job they are forced into the "don't even think about spending a dime because when your 85 you'll need the money" march.

I get that times are different, but it seems sad that we are raising a generation of young adults who no longer can "dream" because they have to worry about the "ripple" effects in 40 years. Can some one tell me what's wrong with young folks living in an apartment?

I totally admit when I was 25 I did not want to worry about how I was going to eat at 75. lol.

I'm also glad my dh and I weren't on a mission to buy a house. We went to Portugal and lived for 2 years before returning to the states.

My son has a wonderful opportunity to go to Australia this summer for 16 months. I'm encouraging him to go. Nope he won't be able to save for his retirement or a house but I'm hoping he'll get a life changing event.


LOL, wow did I just got off on a tangent. sorry
Yes, you did, lol. Your points are not lost on me, believe me.

I remember having a conversation about this very thing with my cousin's son. He'd lost his mom at age 50. We'd both agreed there shouid ideally be a mix between enjoying life while you can, and saving for the future, since none of us know for sure how long we'll be here.

But between COL and student debt today, the sad reality is that paying for a lavish wedding you can't afford does have well documented ripple effects - not just in the distant future, like retirement, but in the near future, like deferring a home purchase and starting family, etc. Which is fine, if that's "what you want". The problem seems to be when people think they can "have it all". Sometimes they just can't, and have to make choices. Want to have a lush wedding? Fine. Maybe you need to look at ways of keeping college costs low. Want to backpack across Europe for a couple of years? Great. Maybe you accept you'll have roommates for a few years afterward. Want to buy a home more than anything? Awesome. Maybe you need to live at home for a while, or have a small wedding ceremony on the beach somewhere, etc. My point is just that, today, it's hard to have everything.

You were very fortunate if your family could afford to give you $20K for your wedding.
 
I agree. I'm flabbergasted that she even ASKED for money. Do not take money out of your 401K to pay for her wedding!! Hopefully the boyfriend can be more reasonable about this.

DH and I got married at 25 and refused to allow our parents to pay for our wedding. They did, in the end, pay for a few things, but we paid for 99% of it.

This was us too. Right out of college I earned more than my dad (who had no college education), so I never expected anything except that they be part of the day. In the end, they insisted on paying for a few things. I let them because I knew it was a matter of pride with my Dad, not because I expected him to do so.

Please don't feel guilty. Not one little bit! You paid for college and were there for her when she needed you.
 
Yes, you did, lol. Your points are not lost on me, believe me.

I remember having a conversation about this very thing with my cousin's son. He'd lost his mom at age 50. We'd both agreed there shouid ideally be a mix between enjoying life while you can, and saving for the future, since none of us know for sure how long we'll be here.

But between COL and student debt today, the sad reality is that paying for a lavish wedding you can't afford does have well documented ripple effects - not just in the distant future, like retirement, but in the near future, like deferring a home purchase and starting family, etc. Which is fine, if that's "what you want". The problem seems to be when people think they can "have it all". Sometimes they just can't, and have to make choices. Want to have a lush wedding? Fine. Maybe you need to look at ways of keeping college costs low. Want to backpack across Europe for a couple of years? Great. Maybe you accept you'll have roommates for a few years afterward. Want to buy a home more than anything? Awesome. Maybe you need to live at home for a while, or have a small wedding ceremony on the beach somewhere, etc. My point is just that, today, it's hard to have everything.

You were very fortunate if your family could afford to give you $20K for your wedding.

This is a great post. Most people I know can't afford to have "everything". It's all the definition of "everything" that varies.

One thing that I've found is common is I'll say I just can't afford something and another person will say to me "but it's SO worth it! or It's such a great deal! or It will keep your children safer! or It's a once in a life time event (e.g. wedding)! or It will save you money!, etc, etc" Or any number of other very good reasons.

But the bottom line is that the money has to actually be there to spend in the first place. No matter how much you actually need/want/deserve something. If it's not there, it's not there.

And yes, IMO $20k is a lot of money!
 

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