How can I help my 12 year old daughter?

I agree with PPs, casually mention in conversation your own support for gay people. Or even just ask her if there's anyone she's interested in at school, boys? girls?

Good luck, she's really lucky to have such awesome parents

As a parent, I think the best thing you can do at this point is to make sure she knows she's in a safe place and show that you're an ally. The time to come out is up to her.

worried64 said:

This is a tough topic and tough to write about but I am hoping to get some help.

I have suspected and recently found out with 99% certainty that my 12 year old dd is gay. I have no problem with her being gay. I love her no matter what.

I found out through a trail of social media and texts (I do check up on my kids from time to time).

She hasn't told us and I don't know if it is something I should let her know that I know.

I don't want her going through her teen years worrying about our reaction. There will be no reaction beyond-we love you, is there anything you need from us. I know some kids have a really hard time once they discover they are gay and for some, it takes years for them to come out. I don't want her worrying about her family.

I don't necessarily think it's important at this age to come all the way out (middle school kids can be cruel) but for those who are either gay or have a gay child, would it be a help for her to know that her parents love her no matter what?

How would you approach this? Any personal experience welcome. I posted this on the Community board and someone suggested I also post here. I hope this is ok.

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I have an 18 year old daughter who recently came out to me, and discussed questioning her sexuality before she finally worked out how she felt about it and came out. In our case, the situation was a bit more complicated because she has autism, and it makes social interactions of any kind difficult.

We have gay friends, some of whom are married, so she knew that we didn't have a particularly negative view of it. Also, when she was small, we voiced our support for marriage equality because, when we married, our marriage had only been legal everywhere for about 26 years. (We are a biracial couple.) This made it easier for her, I think, because it made clear that we didn't think it was particularly bad or wrong. However, if this isn't your situation, talking generally about the news as someone else suggested can get the point across, too.

I would pretty much suggest what others have suggested--express your unconditional love, and discuss the news on gay marriage in a positive light. I would add one thing--if and when you have "the talk" with your child, make sure that "the talk" includes matters of both gay and heterosexual safety. This may not be covered in your local school's curriculum, and you don't want your child hurt by ignorance. Also, by presenting both, you're showing that you don't particularly regard lesbian sexual relationships as bad, and implies you would be okay with it, without making any assumptions about whether or not she actually is gay. Make clear that you consider this general information, not specific to a particular sexual orientation, and always stress healthy relationship skills.

If and when your daughter comes out, if you live in an urban area, you might see if there is an LGBTQ youth center. (We are lucky to have an excellent one here in our area.) If not, Planned Parenthood has some excellent forums where questions a young person might be uncomfortable asking a parent can be answered.

One thing about which you should use appropriate caution--look into where your child will attend high school, regardless of whether or not it is public or private. Be sure it has a welcoming policy towards its gay students. Even if you, personally, have no problems with gay relationships, if there's a bad environment at the school, it will have an effect on her physical, mental and academic situation if she is trying to work out her sexual orientation. If it's not supportive, I'd find a way to get her to a school with an environment that will allow her to sort out her feelings without undue pressure, if that's possible. You shouldn't confront her with your own suspicions, but saying something like, "I'm not comfortable with some of the discriminatory policies (or behavior) at the school. I don't like bullying, and I'd like you to be somewhere people treat each other with more respect, regardless of their sexual orientation, so, if it's all right with you, I'd like us to consider <new school name>." gets the point across that you think gay students should be treated with respect, but says nothing about your child's sexuality. If the school does seem to be supportive, saying something like, "I'm very glad that your school has a respectful policy towards all of its students, regardless of their sexual orientation. That's the way we should treat each other." might be worth doing. Again, it says a lot about your attitude towards gay people, but nothing, in particular, about your child's sexuality.

Like the others mentioned, I wouldn't try to discuss your child's sexual orientation with her right now. She'll talk about it when she's ready, and she may not yet know. Good on you for being a supportive mom, however. It's obvious you love your child very much, and are trying to do what's best for her. Good luck to you both--being 12 is tough, and being a parent is tough.

I would like to add (being mellers's 18 year old daughter) that I agree with Mom about the learning environment having an effect on your daughter's overall well-being. I had a social skills teacher (let's call her Janet) who had an outdated view on marriage equality, and I noticed her views even when I was 13. I thought Janet changed--she posted in support of marriage equality and a speech by a man with two moms.

Last summer, Janet proved me wrong. My mom excoriated Arizona's "Right to Discriminate" laws over Starbucks. Janet implied that she supported the laws. I couldn't help but mentally roll my eyes.

As the summer passed, I started to realize that I liked girls! Unfortunately, Janet was in my friends list on Facebook. I felt scared to delete her--when I first established my account, Mom thought it would be a good idea to friend her as she did have good social advice.

After at least two months of hiding my secret (I've lost count), I asked Mom, "Mom, can I unfriend Janet on Facebook?"

"It's your Facebook," Mom replied. "Do what you feel is right. May I ask why?"

I said, "Janet's acting anti-LGBT--and I'm crushing on a girl celebrity."

Mom reassured me that my reasoning was sound, and it started a conversation.

My main pieces of advice would be to a) leave it to your daughter to find the right time to tell you (or vice versa), and b) be prepared to answer any questions she has.

What a great set of posts by Meller and Mellerskidlet. Thanks to both of you for relating your personal experiences.

disneykin said:

Even more devastating would if it turns out she's not lesbian.

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Why would it be more devastating if it turned out she wasn't a lesbian?

DVCcurious said:

Well now who are we concerned with here? The OP, or her daughter? What the OP "wants" is irrelevant.

if the gay daughter wants to tell her parents then she will do it on her own time. If the parent pushes her it will be a massive problem.

BUTT OUT of other people's lives.

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Worst.Advice.Ever.

If I had done that, my son would be dead now. He saw therapists and a psychologist for 2 years for anxiety and depression related to his homosexuality. He hated who he is and had threatened to kill himself. I'm thankful every single day that we intervened and got him the help and the medication that he needed. He hated going to see the therapist because he didn't want to talk about what he was going through. His Dad and I dragged him in every. single. week.

He is 18 now and graduating from high school next month. He is excited about college and his life ahead of him. I can't imagine my life without him in it.

bumbershoot said:

I assume she knows you check on things? My son, once he starts using those things, will know that I'm always watching. Therefore it wouldn't be a shock if I mentioned something based on what I saw. If she knows, she knows. If she knows and she's leaving those clues....

I wouldn't say not to talk to her because she'll know you're watching her; I hope she knows you're watching and wouldn't be surprised that you would find out.

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As a parent I agree. When my daughter wanted to get a phone and later get social media accounts we agreed with the understanding that we would have full access to her texting and social media and would randomly check on her. Not that I don't trust her, but I worry about cyber bullying and issues that may be troubling her. At 14 it's still our job to guide and support her, even if she thinks she's mature enough to handle things on her own.

That said, even though we knew partially through checking on her accounts that she was into girls, we didn't discuss it with her until she brought it up. My sister is gay, so I hope she already knew that we would be fine with it. And she must have known we read those messages, because we occasionally mentioned other messages we had read that concerned us.

Hi OP, please feel free to DM me if you'd like. My 14 yo DD officially came out to us about a month ago, but she has hinted and "thought" it for a few years. I'm lucky because we have a very close relationship and we can talk about anything.

Like a PP said, we would make sure we would comment positively on gay issues that we saw on TV, or friends, etc. We have gay family members so it was easy to have a conversation about styles of couples, familes, etc. I always stress that the only reason someone's sexuality matters is when you want to date that person and you hope they are the same as you.

What's most important, as I see it, is to create an atmosphere that makes it easy for her to come out to you. Then be sure that your reaction doesn't come across as negative.

I had an issue where I was trying to tell her that I didn't want her to grow up too fast, and that it was exciting and she wanted to date and have a relationship now, but that she was too young. I also asked her to be careful that she doesn't put a target on her back for idiot high schoolers, for bullying. She took that as disapproval, but I was tryingt to express my concern for her well-being. We talked it out and she understood but I realized each tiny little word was different from her perspective and from mine, so I really have to think everything out thoroughly.

As long as you convey your love, support and comfort with her in general, let her take the lead and it will happen.

I had an issue where I was trying to tell her that I didn't want her to grow up too fast, and that it was exciting and she wanted to date and have a relationship now, but that she was too young.

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I'm not saying my approach was better or worse (and, with the autism, I had different issues to navigate, which affected my approach), but I handled this a little differently. I told my daughter it was absolutely fine to go on a date, but any date she went on before she turned 16 would need to be chaperoned by her father or me. We would take a different table at a restaurant, or sit a few rows back in the movie theater, but one of us would have to go along. That way, any "dates" would be entirely limited to a benign activity, and a lot of time talking.

However, my daughter did not come out until she was 18, so we didn't have to deal with bullying over LGBTQ issues until she was older, and, had she come out younger, there are safe, chaperoned spaces in our area for LGBTQ kids to meet up with each other, and there are also many supportive schools in our area where it would not be a big problem. If these things weren't in place in our community, I would have done exactly the same thing as sharadoc.

Mickey'snewestfan said:

Since the time he was small, if I refer to his future spouse or partner, I make sure my reference is gender neutral (e.g. the other day we were watching TV and there was some character who named her baby something ridiculous like "Tootsie Pop". I told him, jokingly, "Please promise me that if I ever have a grandbaby, you and your wife or husband won't name it Tootsie Pop. Anything but Tootsie Pop!").

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This is how we handle things in our home as well. We discuss LGBTQIA issues whenever they pop up in the media, on ballots, and in the kids lives.

As for the poster saying you should mind your own beeswax that is great advice for later teens, young teens however do need to be monitored in this digital age. My husband and I have done our best to instill safety in our daughter's internet and texting habits, but there have been times -a 2am texting session with a friend for example when her phone was requested for a moment so we could see what was going on.

I came out as a lesbian at age 14 in letters written to my mother and my grandmother. My mother was not surprised and my grandmother was heartbroken, but still loved me. A year later at age 15 I came out as bisexual (we did not even have the term pansexual then) in two more letters to them. After that I was pretty much on my own journey, didn't really have their support but neither did I have their condemnation. I've had more relationships with females than males but even my gramma was accepting and friendly when I brought a girlfriend to meet her.

Our kids know my coming out story, and those of several friends, so these are ordinary topics in our house. They know we'll love them no matter who they love and that they can broach topics of conversation whenever they like.

DVCcurious said:

Does it really matter if you know?

This is her personal business. It's not yours.

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DVCcurious said:

What the OP "wants" is irrelevant.
BUTT OUT of other people's lives.

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Don't know how old you are, but obviously you are not a parent!! It's our desire and responsibility to know what is going on with our children, and especially a 12 year old. That's what parents are for - watching out for the well being of our children. How they communicate will be a big key, but communicate, they should.

And, no, butting out of your child's life is NOT an option!!

As most people have mentioned showing your support for LGBT people is key. However, I think in addition to casually voicing your support it's important to put your money where your mouth is so to speak. Sometimes actions speak louder than words. Going out of your way to support anti-descrimination and anti-bullying campaigns and/or working with GLAAD/GLSEN/PFLAG are all way to show your support. My mom and I used to volunteer at a LGBT homeless youth center making sit down meals with the kids. It allowed us to connect and share our support with less fortunate LGBT kids.

I also would advocate for discussing it with her in the least awkward way possible. Presenting it from a place of caring and compassion can go a long way toward her own personal journey. I came out when I was 16 and had a pretty good idea of what her reaction would be because I grew up listenin to her support of gay people and talking about gay people as if they were no different than us. The fact that you are here asking for support is the best and largest first step and you're a kick a$$ mom for reaching out.

~ Wesley

Wow, kids are coming out/realizing they're not straight so young these days!

First, as a lesbian (well, technically bisexual but apparently only where K-pop guys are concerned ) whose mother was never supportive or accepting of my orientation and later my marriage, thank you for saying openly that you'll still love your daughter no matter what.

You know your daughter best, and as such you will know what would work best in regards to approaching this topic. Since we are lesbians, we have always talked to DD about it being okay to like other girls if she feels that way but that it's just as okay to like boys. She is only 8 so we haven't gotten into anything about actual sex, just love and like at this point.

If she knows you're monitoring her social media etc. she must not be too concerned about you seeing something on there, so I think I'd just sit her down and mention that you'd seen whatever it was and wanted to talk to her about. Let her know you're available if she has questions and otherwise not make too big a deal of it. It may truly be her orientation, only a phase, just curiosity...

I have always been supportive of gay rights, way before I know DD was gay! Then, we started to wonder when she was 11. I flat out asked her at 12, and she said yeah. By the way, we're very open about our feelings, and my DH and I are of different races (I'm white and he's Asian). So, for me not to be supportive would be so silly; our marriage would have been banned in many states years ago!
I guess if you have an open relationship, and you want to show your support, you could ask. When I did, I let her know we were a safe place for her and her friends (2 of them are gay or "pan" that I know of, probably more, but they're all great kids so I don't care). She has only a few friends, and that's okay! It's better to have only one good friend than a bunch of ones who don't care about you really.
Also, DD does not date even at 16. Well, my straight son at 18 doesn't either - both my kids would rather wait a bit and grow up! That's fine with me!
I think it's fine to ask IF you have that kind of relationship. Heck - I used to shave her bikini line for her (she matured early) and taught her how to shave her legs! And how to use a tampon at Disney when she had her period and wanted to swim! No, we don't walk naked in front of each other, but I've helped in some very personal areas LOL.

BTW, kids don't make such a big deal about "coming out" as they used to, or at least my kids' friends don't. There are many gay or bi kids at their school (small college prep school), and honestly, no one cares! It's a great environment, so I don't know if the other schools are like this, but it's nothing like when we were kids (and knew nothing about anything but straight!).

Model open-mindedness. Speak freely about tolerance and love and same-sex couples you know. Be the person she knows who knows and loves and accepts people regardless of orientation. When news stories or topics arise, make sure she's aware of your views.

No need to make a big deal out of it, just lay the groundwork for her to know that home is a safe place to be whoever she is.

Viteh said:

One thing my parents did when I was a teen was to casually let me know where they stood on gay issues.

Like...say there was something on the news about gays in the army, or marriage or whatever. They would talk to each other about it while watching, voicing their support. At the time I didn't think it was about me, I just thought it was them talking about whatever was on the news.

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OP, I'm in a totally different generation than your DD...maybe two generations later. But this was a big thing for me. When I was a kid in the 70s there was a lot of "gay news." Things like gay pride parades were starting (and being banned), Anita Bryant was big, etc. My mom, especially, as well as my dad, always conveyed the attitude of "live and let live." Even in response to those issues. So, even though it took me a while to accept who I was, once I did, I knew my family would accept me.

I'm so happy to read such amazing responses!!

I'm not gay, but I'm asexual (Lack of sexual attraction) and while I don't think it's a big deal people seem to freak out when they know that I don't want to have sex... ever! So at first I didn't know if telling my mom was the right thing to do. But I knew that she loved me no matter what and so I just did. And while she didn't understand at first and was a little shocked, (she thought I needed to grow up before making such assumptions, I'm 20!) now she gets me and is ok with it.

So you are ok! If your dd knows that you love her she will tell you, when she's ready. And like many other people say, show your support to the gay community whenever you can!