Opinions please.

[pls5286]

I know many of us have blended families on here. What is your opinion on what extent a step-parent should discipline your child? I am including both step parents in this. One that lives with the child full time and one who only has every other weekend?

 

[Goofy_Disney_Dad]

Way too many possible variables for me to give you an opinion. I can only imagine being able to do that on a case by case basis, with all the variables accounted for.

 

[pryncess527]

I think this is too relationship-dependent to have a catch all answer.

 

[Darcy03231]

I'm a step-parent, as is DH. All of the children lived with us. I disciplined his kids and he disciplined mine. We considered them to be ours. If we disagreed with a punishment that was handed out we discussed it privately. If we agreed it was too harsh and needed to be changed the person who made the punishment went to the child and said something like "I was very angry when I told you your punishment was XXXXX. I've had a chance to think it over and I have decided your punishment is now YYYYY." It didn't happen often, but this way the kids weren't playing us off each other.

My ex never remarried so my children didn't have a step-parent at his home, but if any adult living there reprimanded my child for something they did wrong and handed out an appropriate punishment I wouldn't have an issue with it. If for some reason I didn't think the punishment was appropriate I would discuss it with my ex. It was never an issue though. There was no discipline at his house.

 

[mi*vida*loca]

It depends on a lot of factors. I've been with my SO for almost 5 years and we've been living together for almost 4 years. He reprimands my kids when they do something wrong. My XH is on board with this as long since he agrees that it's our house and our rules as it's nothing excessive, not abusive and no hands are being put on any child. There's never been issues regarding this. My XH hasn't remarried or lived with a woman yet so I haven't had to deal with it.

 

[pryncess527]

I'm still wary of giving a catch-all type answer, but I will say, I think it creates problems in a family unit if you have conflicting ideals. Many families "say" that a step-parent should/would/does treat the children like their own, but if the step-parent isn't allowed to discipline the child, then that strikes me as a conflict.

 

[pls5286]

My husband does things as far as discipline towards my DD13 along the lines of taking electronics and being sent to her room. This has been the line of discipline geared towards her for several years.

I had to go get DD from her dad's, when she called me in tears, saying Mommy, come get me now. Her stepmom decided it was "discipline" to hit her in the face because DD ate a package of poptarts (2 pastries, which she eats here). Her dad is ok with the discipline since he was at work, and DD was with stepmom. I am trying to decide if this counts as physical discipline, but I am leaning towards filing a police report and a few more things.

DD will never go back to her dad's when he has to work. I have the option of having him bring her to me if he is working. DD is very adamant about she is not going back.

 

[pryncess527]

I had to go get DD from her dad's, when she called me in tears, saying Mommy, come get me now. Her stepmom decided it was "discipline" to hit her in the face because DD ate a package of poptarts (2 pastries, which she eats here). Her dad is ok with the discipline since he was at work, and DD was with stepmom. I am trying to decide if this counts as physical discipline, but I am leaning towards filing a police report and a few more things..

Yeah, in my world that's not "discipline" no matter who delivers it.
I'm actually pro-spanking, but with rules. Slapping or hitting across the face doesn't fit in my narrow view of acceptable physical discipline.

 

[mi*vida*loca]

My husband does things as far as discipline towards my DD13 along the lines of taking electronics and being sent to her room. This has been the line of discipline geared towards her for several years.

I had to go get DD from her dad's, when she called me in tears, saying Mommy, come get me now. Her stepmom decided it was "discipline" to hit her in the face because DD ate a package of poptarts (2 pastries, which she eats here). Her dad is ok with the discipline since he was at work, and DD was with stepmom. I am trying to decide if this counts as physical discipline, but I am leaning towards filing a police report and a few more things.

DD will never go back to her dad's when he has to work. I have the option of having him bring her to me if he is working. DD is very adamant about she is not going back.

I'm angry for you!

I'm pro spanking but ONLY Mom and Dad are allowed to do that and my XH agrees. And NEVER in the face.

If my XH's new wife were to do that to my kid she would have to personally have to deal with me smacking her in her face.

 

[Liberty Belle]

I'm still married to my sons' father, but I had/have a stepfather. I think, like everyone else, it totally depends on the situation, however, if the bio dad/mom is still in the picture and if the children aren't living with you full time, and ESPECIALLY if your marriage with the step parent is 3 years old or less, you need to really tread carefully and let the bio parent do most of the disciplining.

 

[Liberty Belle]

My husband does things as far as discipline towards my DD13 along the lines of taking electronics and being sent to her room. This has been the line of discipline geared towards her for several years.

I had to go get DD from her dad's, when she called me in tears, saying Mommy, come get me now. Her stepmom decided it was "discipline" to hit her in the face because DD ate a package of poptarts (2 pastries, which she eats here). Her dad is ok with the discipline since he was at work, and DD was with stepmom. I am trying to decide if this counts as physical discipline, but I am leaning towards filing a police report and a few more things.

DD will never go back to her dad's when he has to work. I have the option of having him bring her to me if he is working. DD is very adamant about she is not going back.

Uh - that's not discipline in my book, that's abuse. I'm very sorry your DD went through that and, especially over something so insignificant as pop tarts, for God's sake. The step mother sounds unstable.

 

[cabanafrau]

The line isn't even fuzzy. A slap across the face is assault, not discipline -- no matter whose hand is delivering the blow.

 

[Teresa Pitman]

Hitting a child in the face is against the law here in Canada so I think you should definitely report that.

 

[Chocolate Cake]

I had to go get DD from her dad's, when she called me in tears, saying Mommy, come get me now. Her stepmom decided it was "discipline" to hit her in the face because DD ate a package of poptarts (2 pastries, which she eats here). Her dad is ok with the discipline since he was at work...

I am anti-spanking, so hitting in the face would be a call to the police from me. And the fact that it was over eating food and the father approves of that sick and twisted mentality, would have me very scared to send my daughter to his home unsupervised.

Really? Hit in the face over eating food? What a disgusting excuse for a human being.

Your poor daughter.

 

[Shanti]

I know many of us have blended families on here. What is your opinion on what extent a step-parent should discipline your child? I am including both step parents in this. One that lives with the child full time and one who only has every other weekend?

The natural parent should manage the child's discipline, not the step-parent.

 

[soccerdad72]

 

[Wishing on a star]

That is not 'discipline'... That is assault... It could be considered assault, even if it were the actual custodial parent.
DEFINITELY ASSAULT WHEN DONE BY ANYONE ELSE... PERIOD.

Has this step-mother actually, in so many words, said/admitted that she did contact/strike/slap the young teenager in the face?
You mention that she 'decided that this was "discipline"'. So I am assuming that this justification is also an open admission.

I am sending well wishes your way as you work thru this!!!

 

[jevs]

My XH lives in a different state with his partner and her kids, so my kids spend extended time there, there must be discipline otherwise the kids will run riot. I tend to live by the rules of whatever house you happen to be in, and my kids know this as well. To be honest I would prefer XH partner to do most of the disciplining as he can be a bit of an *** at times, and her values are pretty similar to mine.

That said, physical contact, and verbal or emotional abuse would have me frothing at the mouth and on the first plane up there.

 

[NMAmy]

Yes, I agree that hitting a child crosses the line.

For our family, only my ex and I disciplined our daughter. I did not agree with the stepmother's methods (she was a spanking parent and a screamer--I am not) so my ex and I made this agreement and it worked well for our family. DD was always an angel for DH so he never felt the need to even think about disciplining her. She is an adult now and she and DH are very close so I don't think it harmed their relationship at all.

I know others feel differently but, for our family, we decided that my ex and I were the parents. We were both very active in her life and it seemed disrespectful to have the step-parent take on this aspect of parenting when our views were so different.

 

[LiveYourLife]

Agreed, and for me it's because I remember the OP. There is no easy answer for this situation, sadly. However, the slapping across the face is completely unacceptable.

I'll be keeping your family in my thoughts OP.