How can I help my 12 year old daughter?

[worried64]

This is a tough topic and tough to write about but I am hoping to get some help.

I have suspected and recently found out with 99% certainty that my 12 year old dd is gay. I have no problem with her being gay. I love her no matter what.

I found out through a trail of social media and texts (I do check up on my kids from time to time).

She hasn't told us and I don't know if it is something I should let her know that I know.

I don't want her going through her teen years worrying about our reaction. There will be no reaction beyond-we love you, is there anything you need from us. I know some kids have a really hard time once they discover they are gay and for some, it takes years for them to come out. I don't want her worrying about her family.

I don't necessarily think it's important at this age to come all the way out (middle school kids can be cruel) but for those who are either gay or have a gay child, would it be a help for her to know that her parents love her no matter what?

How would you approach this? Any personal experience welcome. I posted this on the Community board and someone suggested I also post here. I hope this is ok.

 

[TinCanTee]

Without knowing your DD, it would be difficult to offer specific advice. I think you are on the right track when you mention your unconditional love for her. If it were me, I'd wait for her to start the conversation about her orientation when SHE is comfortable in doing so. Let her know that you are open minded and loving "by example" in the way you conduct yourself.

Demonstrate your "trust-worthiness" in all aspects of your life and in how you interact with your DD in all situations. Finally, if she is 12, this could be an aspect of her life that she is just experimenting with and may not continue as she matures.

When I came out to my family, some reacted positively, some negatively. Funny thing is, I pretty much knew in advance how each would react just from living with them for 15 years. I hope things happen for you and your DD with as little stress as possible.

ETA: I would NOT confront her with your discovery via her personal communications. At least not to open conversation on the topic.

 

[disneykin]

TinCanTee's advice is spot-on.
It's essential to let DD decide if and when to come out, and, if there is anything to come out to!
Nothing is more devastating to an adolescent than having the "gay" talk before s/he's ready. Even more devastating would if it turns out she's not lesbian.
Love, fairness (especially when disciplining, though discipline rarely seems "fair" to an adolescent), taking an interest in who she is and what she likes in life (without seeming to be "checking up") are all good parenting characteristics.
Best wishes to you all.

 

[OKW Lover]

Not being gay I can't say I have any special insight into this question but I applaud you for even thinking to ask. I suspect the "right" thing to do is to express your acceptance of all people/lifestyles. When you happen to see a gay situation (say on TV) comment on how nice it is that they can be open about it. Let your daughter know by example that you are open. In a different conversation, be sure your daughter knows that you love her.

 

[Viteh]

One thing my parents did when I was a teen was to casually let me know where they stood on gay issues.

Like...say there was something on the news about gays in the army, or marriage or whatever. They would talk to each other about it while watching, voicing their support. At the time I didn't think it was about me, I just thought it was them talking about whatever was on the news.

 

[MichelleB]

I'm going to say the opposite and say have a conversation in the near future that opens it up for her to tell you. We just learned that our 18 yo DD is gay. She is a freshman in college and left us a letter when we took her back to college after a visit one weekend. She wanted to join a gay sorority and the letter said she was writing the letter at their insistence. I called her the day after we found the letter and told her we love her and it's not an issue for us. All she would say was "ok" and she had to go. However, we were opposed to this sorority as they stand for advocacy and recruiting — that is their main focus. We asked her to get comfortable in her own skin, meet some work obligations she'd agreed to with us, and then if she still felt she wanted to join, we'd support it. We've not heard from her in almost 2 months now. She joined the group and they feel we're a negative environment for her so she's cut ties. We were able to get her to meet with us one day but she brought a friend from this group and it was bad to say the least. The friend cut ties with her family and made it known to us that she's better off and sees no reason for my daughter to maintain contact. Her friend wouldn't even let my DD answer any of our questions as to what she's upset with us about or even her classes/grades…..she piped in her opinion every time. To say the least, it's been surreal.

So, I say do whatever it takes to make your daughter comfortable now with how you feel and what she's going to go through. Don't wait until there are so many influences that she may not really hear what you say. I suspect our situation is the extreme but don't take the chance.

 

[ADL]

Sometimes the confrontation is awkawrd for the child in question face to face.

I would just write a card, with "If you are gay we are ok with that" and leave it for her to find show your support, and let her come to you about it.

Otherwise if left unsaid it might become harder and harder for her to come out.

If she is gay she probably spends a lot of time worried about how you might react, and probably thinking that 90% of it will be the worst possible outcome.

 

[North of Mouse]

I'm going to say the opposite and say have a conversation in the near future that opens it up for her to tell you. We just learned that our 18 yo DD is gay. She is a freshman in college and left us a letter when we took her back to college after a visit one weekend. She wanted to join a gay sorority and the letter said she was writing the letter at their insistence. I called her the day after we found the letter and told her we love her and it's not an issue for us. All she would say was "ok" and she had to go. However, we were opposed to this sorority as they stand for advocacy and recruiting — that is their main focus. We asked her to get comfortable in her own skin, meet some work obligations she'd agreed to with us, and then if she still felt she wanted to join, we'd support it. We've not heard from her in almost 2 months now. She joined the group and they feel we're a negative environment for her so she's cut ties. We were able to get her to meet with us one day but she brought a friend from this group and it was bad to say the least. The friend cut ties with her family and made it known to us that she's better off and sees no reason for my daughter to maintain contact. Her friend wouldn't even let my DD answer any of our questions as to what she's upset with us about or even her classes/grades…..she piped in her opinion every time. To say the least, it's been surreal.

So, I say do whatever it takes to make your daughter comfortable now with how you feel and what she's going to go through. Don't wait until there are so many influences that she may not really hear what you say. I suspect our situation is the extreme but don't take the chance.

My heart goes out to you parents, as we have face a similar situation (has nothing to do with gay) but our son did cut off communication.

Sounds like this is a cult to me and I would investigate the 'group' - seems like they are having some sort of control over your dd and it is definitely not healthy or right.

 

[amberg93]

I didn't come out to my mom until I was engaged to a woman because my brother came out and had terrible reactions, plus I already knew where they stood.

But I really think that you should just casually mention support. Don't make her feel pressured to come out. Maybe she isn't even 100% sure of her sexuality yet, or doesn't want to give it a label. Simply mention your support in things when they don't have to deal with her. There are plenty of examples in media or even out and about if you see a gay couple or family you can say something like "Oh, what a cute couple/family." Positive words about other people will let her know that you'll be affirming when she decides that she is ready to come out to you

 

[MissEllie]

I think a pp's idea is the best approach- casually mention your support the next time something on the news/etc.. happens.

 

[DVCcurious]

Does it really matter if you know?

This is her personal business. It's not yours.

I realize you can't "unknow" what you know but until she personally tells you that she's gay then you can't "know" that she's gay.

If you come out and say "sweetie, I read some of your texts and it seems to me like you are sexually attracted to girls and not boys and we want you to know we are OK with that" I don't think she could handle it. I mean, literally, I don't think she could handle it.

Adolescence is the worst period of our lives. Just let her figure it out herself.

The only thing you can do is make sure she knows you are open to conversation. But that could be about drugs, stress, peer pressure, a whole lot of things besides sex.

If you start taking her to gay pride parades or listening to Elton John music and saying how you think he's a great singer and he's also gay, etc, then she'll figure out that you know and then she'll figure out you "spied" on her.

I just really think you will make things worse if you take action. I was suicidal as a teenager and if my parents knew I was suicidal that would've made things so much worse for me and it wouldn't have mattered how much they were trying to help. Just them knowing would have been really, really bad. I worked through it with a close friend.

Butt out and don't let on that you know. Let her deal with it on her own.

 

[Mickey'snewestfan]

I like to think that my teen knows exactly how I feel about gay people and gay rights, and that if he turns out to be gay he'd be confident in my reaction when he chose to tell me. He sees me interact with gay friends and neighbors, and the gay parents of his friends. He knows that I advocate for, and vote for gay rights. When our state, Maryland, was the first to pass gay marriage at the polls, he celebrated with me. When there's an issue in the news, such as a supreme court decision we talk about it, and I clarify my values for him.

We've also had more specific conversations. Since the time he was small, if I refer to his future spouse or partner, I make sure my reference is gender neutral (e.g. the other day we were watching TV and there was some character who named her baby something ridiculous like "Tootsie Pop". I told him, jokingly, "Please promise me that if I ever have a grandbaby, you and your wife or husband won't name it Tootsie Pop. Anything but Tootsie Pop!"). We also had a conversation when he was about 10 about things that would disappoint me, and I told him that it would disappoint me immensely if I found out that he had hidden his sexual orientation from me because he didn't trust me to keep loving him. I was clear that I thought it was normal for people to keep information about their sexual orientation private while they figure out what it means to them, and that he could take as little time or as long as he wanted to talk to me about something like that, but that it would make me sad to think that he worried, even for a second, that I'd ever reject him or be disappointed in him because of who he loved or was attracted to.

 

[midaroco]

I would have given anything for my parents to approach me about it. It was hard for ,e to deal with it alone. I think in the end, everyone is different. Perhaps dropping some subtle hints about being ok with her sexuality one way or another can help to open up the lines of communication. Probably not immediately, but at least she would know it's ok to be herself - whomever that is. I would have struggled a lot less had I known that I would be accepted and loved no matter what.

Good luck - you are a great parent

 

[yankeepenny]

I am someone who is not perfectly straight on the gender spectrum. How nice would it have been to have someone say it is "okay to be different, and I was loved anyway? "Even while doing the dishes and a small passing message about how much care was felt NO MATTER WHAT would speak volumes.

Being 12 is challenging and I would not go thru puberty again for a million bucks.

 

[Kohara]

#Amazingparents

 

[Teresa Pitman]

I like to think that my teen knows exactly how I feel about gay people and gay rights, and that if he turns out to be gay he'd be confident in my reaction when he chose to tell me. He sees me interact with gay friends and neighbors, and the gay parents of his friends. He knows that I advocate for, and vote for gay rights. When our state, Maryland, was the first to pass gay marriage at the polls, he celebrated with me. When there's an issue in the news, such as a supreme court decision we talk about it, and I clarify my values for him.

We've also had more specific conversations. Since the time he was small, if I refer to his future spouse or partner, I make sure my reference is gender neutral (e.g. the other day we were watching TV and there was some character who named her baby something ridiculous like "Tootsie Pop". I told him, jokingly, "Please promise me that if I ever have a grandbaby, you and your wife or husband won't name it Tootsie Pop. Anything but Tootsie Pop!"). We also had a conversation when he was about 10 about things that would disappoint me, and I told him that it would disappoint me immensely if I found out that he had hidden his sexual orientation from me because he didn't trust me to keep loving him. I was clear that I thought it was normal for people to keep information about their sexual orientation private while they figure out what it means to them, and that he could take as little time or as long as he wanted to talk to me about something like that, but that it would make me sad to think that he worried, even for a second, that I'd ever reject him or be disappointed in him because of who he loved or was attracted to.

I love this so much. It would help so much if we didn't assume that everyone was straight.

TP

 

[Braden's Momma]

One thing my parents did when I was a teen was to casually let me know where they stood on gay issues.

Like...say there was something on the news about gays in the army, or marriage or whatever. They would talk to each other about it while watching, voicing their support. At the time I didn't think it was about me, I just thought it was them talking about whatever was on the news.

My hubby and I do this with our son.

 

[bumbershoot]

I found out through a trail of social media and texts (I do check up on my kids from time to time).

I assume she knows you check on things? My son, once he starts using those things, will know that I'm always watching. Therefore it wouldn't be a shock if I mentioned something based on what I saw. If she knows, she knows. If she knows and she's leaving those clues....

I wouldn't say not to talk to her because she'll know you're watching her; I hope she knows you're watching and wouldn't be surprised that you would find out.

If you come out and say "sweetie, I read some of your texts and it seems to me like you are sexually attracted to girls and not boys and we want you to know we are OK with that" I don't think she could handle it. I mean, literally, I don't think she could handle it.
....

I just really think you will make things worse if you take action. I was suicidal as a teenager and if my parents knew I was suicidal that would've made things so much worse for me and it wouldn't have mattered how much they were trying to help. Just them knowing would have been really, really bad. I worked through it with a close friend.

Butt out and don't let on that you know. Let her deal with it on her own.

Why couldn't she handle it? Straight kids handle expectations of being married some day, of having children, of all sorts of things that are based on their sexual orientation. Why couldn't this girl?

Please go thank that friend. I was friend to a suicidal girl who wouldn't tell her parents and wouldn't let me tell my mom, and it was utter misery. Of course, she wasn't actually trying to help herself, which I didn't realize for a long time (not until I cut ties, got older, and talked to people about how she "confided" in them, too), so maybe it's different because of that, but I would still thank that friend.

The OP doesn't *want* her daughter to deal with it on her own. Straight kids don't have to do that; they know that likely society is behind them. Why should gay kids deal with it all on their own? Isn't that part of the problem?

My hubby and I do this with our son.

We did, too. We don't anymore because he's self-identified as straight for years now (it comes up because his uncle is gay, and also because he's a dancer and, well, that subject comes up), but we did for quite awhile.

 

[CampbellzSoup]

Let me say this...

The most important thing is to LOVE her...if you show your daughter unconditional love she will trust you with secrets, and allow you into her life. My mother loves me no matter what and is my bigggest fan lol, sometimes too much, I never actually "came out" to her it was justis what it was and she never once ever made me feel bad about the decisions that I made.

My only advice: love her, be supportive, and don't question her about it...let her come to you. I know as a mother you want what's best for your child, and the best thing is being the best mother you can...love her, support her, and be her best friend...if she is gay it's not easy, and having you there solidifies a bond that no one else can take.

 

[DVCcurious]

The OP doesn't *want* her daughter to deal with it on her own.

Well now who are we concerned with here? The OP, or her daughter? What the OP "wants" is irrelevant.

if the gay daughter wants to tell her parents then she will do it on her own time. If the parent pushes her it will be a massive problem.

BUTT OUT of other people's lives.