Why I Regret Being a Stay-at-Home Mom

[dyna]

I'm an odd duck who was a SAHM for more than 30 yrs. Got married before I was out of high school, shoot I never even filled out a job application in my life.

Never felt that I missed out on anything by not working....I really do not know when I would have had time to work.

I do know had I worked I would not have had the time to shop the garage sales that saved me $1,000's of dollars in clothing for all of us. My DD's may not have had everything they wanted while growing up but they did have everything they needed an usually way more than needed because I bought it so cheap.

We still managed to go to Disney several times a year.

BTW I did marry an older man who was fairly well established when I married him an he made good money at his job. HE never wanted me to work he never knew when he'd have a day off wanted me there when he was off work along with there for the DD's while they grew up.

He is now retired, we retired in FL an living the dream of living near Disney.

 

[cari12]

I will respectfully disagree with you. When children are spending more time in daycare than at home, the daycare workers are raising them, when they are very young. I don't consider sleeping as time spent with parents.

I agree with this
However, I know parents have to make tough choices and do what works for their situation. DH and I work opposite shifts because we did not want to go the daycare route but many parents have told us they could never do what we do. Families do what works best for them and it doesn't mean anyone is wrong because they do it differently.

 

[Colleen27]

Oh, how shocking. A brief run-down of anti-SAHM talking points coming from a media source with an acknowledged progressive slant.

The judgment over this issue runs both ways. It is just more "acceptable" when it comes from people opposed to women leaving the workforce because those judgments speak to what our culture values most - money and independence - rather than in emotional or moral terms.

 

[PrincessKsMom]

Oh, how shocking. A brief run-down of anti-SAHM talking points coming from a media source with an acknowledged progressive slant.

The judgment over this issue runs both ways. It is just more "acceptable" when it comes from people opposed to women leaving the workforce because those judgments speak to what our culture values most - money and independence - rather than in emotional or moral terms.

Whoa Nelly! So now if you're a working mom you're emotionless and/or immoral? I know plenty of SAHM's who are completely disconnected from their kids. Being a SAHM doesn't mean you've cornered the market on best parenting practices. No one on here, except the OP, was judging others' choices. Go back and read my original post. You do what's best for you and your family without judging others. End of story.

You can't tear down others simply to get to the top of the pile. I wish you all well in whatever decisions you make and, more importantly, I hope our decisions are the best ones for our individual children and society in general. But I think the first decision we need to make as females is to stop tearing each other down. I'm no better of a parent for having worked than you are for having stayed home.

 

[beavismom]

There is some truth in what she is saying. I am happy with my choice to be a SAHM, but the reality is that when my kids are grown IF my husband and I were to divorce I would probably be left living at or below the poverty level. I would do my best to improve my circumstances, but re-entering the workforce after 20 years of being out of it wouldn't be easy. It is something for people to consider when they are making their choices.

 

[ZephyrHawk]

I will respectfully disagree with you. When children are spending more time in daycare than at home, the daycare workers are raising them, when they are very young. I don't consider sleeping as time spent with parents.

And I respectfully disagree with you. I do not say that my daycare raised me, it was my parents who did so. Daycare provides a daytime babysitting and education service for children, just as their teachers in school will between the ages of 5 and 18.

Regardless, I am always confused by people who believe that I can do a better job of "raising" my children than someone who actually has a degree in early childhood education.

 

[Colleen27]

Whoa Nelly! So now if you're a working mom you're emotionless and/or immoral? I know plenty of SAHM's who are completely disconnected from their kids. Being a SAHM doesn't mean you've cornered the market on best parenting practices. No one on here, except the OP, was judging others' choices. Go back and read my original post. You do what's best for you and your family without judging others. End of story.

That's not what I'm saying at all, and I'm addressing the article that was posted not anything that anyone here has said.

All I'm saying that the reasons for staying in the workforce are quantifiable in terms that our culture values - earning potential, self-sufficiency, etc. The reasons to SAH are far less concrete and are at heart concerned with things our culture doesn't value as highly, such as emotional needs and quality of homelife. So from a cultural perspective, it is much more acceptable to say "Women shouldn't SAH because they irreparably damage their lifetime earning potential" than it is to say "Women shouldn't work because kids need more than a couple of hours a day with their parents". Note that I'm not personally making either argument, just observing the current state of the Mommy Wars. It is viewed as acceptable, even positive, to condemn the decision to leave the workforce, but never to condemn the choice to work no matter how poor the balance may be in any given situation.

 

[Conservative Hippie]

Regardless, I am always confused by people who believe that I can do a better job of "raising" my children than someone who actually has a degree in early childhood education.

Do you think that a child is better off "raised" by a teacher/daycare worker/babysitter with an early education degree than by a parent with no education degree?

 

[PrincessKsMom]

That's not what I'm saying at all, and I'm addressing the article that was posted not anything that anyone here has said.

All I'm saying that the reasons for staying in the workforce are quantifiable in terms that our culture values - earning potential, self-sufficiency, etc. The reasons to SAH are far less concrete and are at heart concerned with things our culture doesn't value as highly, such as emotional needs and quality of homelife. So from a cultural perspective, it is much more acceptable to say "Women shouldn't SAH because they irreparably damage their lifetime earning potential" than it is to say "Women shouldn't work because kids need more than a couple of hours a day with their parents". Note that I'm not personally making either argument, just observing the current state of the Mommy Wars. It is viewed as acceptable, even positive, to condemn the decision to leave the workforce, but never to condemn the choice to work no matter how poor the balance may be in any given situation.

My apologies. I completely misunderstood your post. I think deep down inside many of us play the "what if" game and occasionally question whether we made the right choice so it leads to us feeling insecure when others question our decision.

And while I may be slightly jealous of SAHMs I know I did what I had to do and due to certain circumstances that decision is confirmed for me frequently. It may not have been the dream I always had but it's worked out for the best for all involved. And I wish that for everyone. There's nothing worse than an unhappy, resentful mom because kids will know. And at the end of the day isn't really all about our children, their happiness and their productivity as citizens?

 

[disfan07]

I've worked in preschool and daycare and unless you have worked in a daycare or sent your child to one, you have no right to make any judgment about parents who work. And even if you HAVE experience with daycare, you still can't make those broad assumptions....some daycares are amazing while some are not.

The daycare I worked in was open 7:30-6. 99% of the kids who were there we're either there from 7:30-4 or 9-6.... So about 8 1/2 hours or so. And depending on age 1 1/2 to 2 hours of that was rest time.

So they spend about 40-43 hours per week with us....8-10 of those which are sleeping. But they are with their parents for the other 15-16 hours of the day AND 48 hours on the weekend. So how on earth are they spending more time at daycare than at home. So...about 125 hours at home, and abut 43 at daycare....if you think they are spending more time at daycare than at home, you might want to work on your math skills.

I don't have kids but I know I will NOT be a full time stay at home mom. Part-Time maybe for the first couple of years but I will never leave the workforce by choice. My personality would not allow it at all...and I have seen how hard it is for a women to get back into the workforce after an extended leave...I never want to deal with that. I want to be self sufficient financially and not rely on my future husband. I have some absolutely amazing role models in my life who are all absolutely amazing parents...some of the best I've ever met and their children are wonderful....and guess what....their parents work full time and always have.

Sometimes I feel like SAHMs think that if you don't stay at home for 18 years, then you shouldn't have kids. It's ridiculous.

 

[bdcp]

I was a SAHM for 14 years til our boys started middle school and then I only worked 25 hrs/ week (5 hrs/day) until they both graduated HS. They are 27 and 29 now. Do I regret it? No. Will I ever, No.

Best job I ever had and while we didnt' have everything, my kids still felt they were spoiled. We lived in townhouses until they were 9 and 11 and then bought our first single family home which wasn't the largest, nor the smallest, but was adequate. They survived not playing every sport or going on big vacations every year or even eating out a lot. We now have grown children and I work more hours and we play with most of it.

The biggest thing having one salary taught us was that we didnt' need two salaries to survive. I also have a pretty good paying job considering I didn't really have a paying job for 14 years. I did however, volunteer where I could at school and church and that looks good on a resume too.

Funny thing is, I don't know a single SAHM mom who couldn't find a good job when they decided they wanted to return to the work force.

 

[quandrea]

This article is sad. I think that so much of what ails society can be traced to two parent working families. I know I am starting something up but I believe it. Children need time--the time of one parent home. I am not naive enough to think we will ever go back to that but kids identify with peers more than parents now because there is little attachment parenting. Attachment parenting doesn't happen between six and eight in the evenings. It is in the mundane hours day in day out. Is it a sacrifice? Perhaps. But no one said raising kids wasn't work. Most things worth having are work.

I am highly educated and don't feel for a second that I erred in staying home. Will my job be done some day? Yes. Then DH and I will begin another chapter. Was it an expensive choice? Financially, yes, but so what. My earning potential is not even a thought when compared to raising my own three children. I didn't have them to delegate the job. They deserve better than that.

 

[Conservative Hippie]

I was a SAHM for 14 years til our boys started middle school and then I only worked 25 hrs/ week (5 hrs/day) until they both graduated HS. They are 27 and 29 now. Do I regret it? No. Will I ever, No.

Best job I ever had and while we didnt' have everything, my kids still felt they were spoiled. We lived in townhouses until they were 9 and 11 and then bought our first single family home which wasn't the largest, nor the smallest, but was adequate. They survived not playing every sport or going on big vacations every year or even eating out a lot. We now have grown children and I work more hours and we play with most of it.

The biggest thing having one salary taught us was that we didnt' need two salaries to survive. I also have a pretty good paying job considering I didn't really have a paying job for 14 years. I did however, volunteer where I could at school and church and that looks good on a resume too.

Funny thing is, I don't know a single SAHM mom who couldn't find a good job when they decided they wanted to return to the work force.

If I had a nickel for every time I have heard "I wish we could afford for me to stay home" or something to that effect.....We are not rich. I wouldn't even say "well-off." We have to budget and go without things, but we do this because we think it's best. Obviously I think it is best if I stay home with my kids, otherwise I wouldn't do it!

 

[bettymae1121]

While I think children can spend more time in daycare than with their parents, I don't think that's the norm. My own DD spends 8 hours a day 3 to 4 days a week at the sitter. Depending on the week that's 24-32 hours. Even excluding naps and sleeping at night she's at home and awake with DH and/or me far more than she's at the sitters. Of all my friends with kids, their situations are similar to ours. They aren't spending 60 hours a week in day care either, 40 hours at most and usually less.

I am not jealous in the least of SAHM's. I have a great full time job with great benefits and pay, with enough flexibility that I can attend to may family's needs without having to sacrifice financially. I really feel I've got the best of both worlds. If you want to SAH, great! More power to you and I hope you're happy in your choice. I'm certainly happy with mine.

 

[TheIncredibles!]

I will respectfully disagree with you. When children are spending more time in daycare than at home, the daycare workers are raising them, when they are very young. I don't consider sleeping as time spent with parents.

My kids have never been in a daycare but they are all in school. I can ASSURE you the school is not raising them - we are. I was not raised by teachers either, my parents raised me.

 

[quandrea]

And I respectfully disagree with you. I do not say that my daycare raised me, it was my parents who did so. Daycare provides a daytime babysitting and education service for children, just as their teachers in school will between the ages of 5 and 18.

Regardless, I am always confused by people who believe that I can do a better job of "raising" my children than someone who actually has a degree in early childhood education.

This is interesting. My dh always says school is in part a babysitting service. As a teacher I never really believed it until I homeschooled my dd this year. We finished two grades in about two thirds of the year. So I guess those long hours at school are really about child are. Especially when they roll out all day kindergarten.

 

[mickeyboat]

Do all of you SAH people who think daycare is raising children think that because your DH is at work all day long, he is not raising them?

 

[bdcp]

If I had a nickel for every time I have heard "I wish we could afford for me to stay home" or something to that effect.....We are not rich. I wouldn't even say "well-off." We have to budget and go without things, but we do this because we think it's best. Obviously I think it is best if I stay home with my kids, otherwise I wouldn't do it!

Well, I've had working moms say to me things like "must be nice", "wish my DH made enough for me to stay home" or something similar. Seriously? If you want to, you can figure out a way to do it. I know people who have done shifts as another poster said so that one of them was home when the kids were. We were far from "rich" during their growing up years. We are very comfortable now with two incomes and empty nest, but that is our reward as well as two healthy, happy, self-sufficient, adult sons.

Having never been dependent on two incomes means we can do more with two now.

 

[Soldier's*Sweeties]

Do all of you SAH people who think daycare is raising children think that because your DH is at work all day long, he is not raising them?

No. Not all of that feel that way.

 

[mrsklamc]

It seems MOST of the things the woman in the article is complaining about don't really have to do with her decision to be a SAHM. She got 'sucked' into volunteer work....um, if you didn't have enough of a spine to say 'no' when you didn't want to do something, that has nothing to do with being a SAHM. There is no law against keeping up on technology w/o being paid for it. Her world narrowed...she helicopter parented....those were all choices she could have made differently, while still being a SAHM.

As for letting down those who came before her.....feminism was supposed to be about choices, not about invalidating choices.