If you were dating (1 year) living together (5 months)...

[Buckalew11]

Amen. Very well said.



One thing that I dont understand is when people say "move on, move out". First, its only been a year. Secondly, then what? You leave him cause you dont have a ring on your finger? Whats next? you date someone else, give him a one year deadline, then dump him as well? How many men will a woman go thru before she finds the guy that will propose after 6 months? So it truly doesnt matter who you marry, as long as you marry someone? Anyone?

For me , it isn't about the "hurry up and get married" part. I do not believe in rushing things either. I gave my ring back to DH 2x before we were married because I was trying to be sure and not ready to commit. So, for me, it is not that I think a year is too long. I think people need at least a year. At least. Just MHO. I just do not think she should live with him, with her child, when she is not really sre what direction this is really even headed--they sound like they are still in the "dating stage" and not really ready for marriage OR living together to me. Again, JMO. I think she sounds like she went into this home with the thought of, "I'll change him/his mind about all this." And that's the wrong thing to do.

I'd move out and keep dating him if I was in love with him.

I would never even consider marrying anyone whom I haven't lived with first. Full Stop. It is not even in the realm of possibility for me.

That's interesting. I would have never lived with anyone before marriage.

But hmmm...if I had, we would most likely not be together now. We had a rough 3 years of marriage so if there had not been a solid commitment, I would have left, I'm sure. Nothing major (fighting, violence, adultery, etc.), just a rough 3 years (more me than him). I stayed because of those vows (and I did truly love him, that was never an issue). If I had not taken those vows, I would have felt like leaving would be so much easier than working things out.
26 years later, I've had a wonderful marriage and a great life with my husband. But, it was a rough time in the beginning.

 

[ZephyrHawk]

First, no, I would not find it weird. Guys don't generally like to talk about these sort of things. Also, they very well may be "planning" something and don't want you to foil the surprise. This is why it's important to set firm limits. For example, on my 1 year dating anniversary with my DH I tapped my watch, looked at him significantly and said, "You have 4 years." On our second dating anniversary, I did the same thing, indicating he had 3 more years. He did not wait for a 3rd dating anniversary to propose, but he would have gotten the same response, and I would have left him if there had been no ring by the indicated date.

As for moving in together- DH and I started living together after we'd been dating about a year. We had been effectively living together before that, just not sharing a lease. So, we were officially living together for about 3 years before we were married (which included about 2 years of engagement). I can tell you that our opinion is and was that the official marriage was just a nice party and a legal certificate. Our marriage began when we moved in together and decided to share our lives with one another completely. It was, in no way, shape or form, an avoidance of marriage. DH and I have advised several of our friends to move in together prior to marriage, and they have all thanked us. Some people move in together and don't get legally married. Some people move in together, get married, and get divorced. And some people move in together, get married, and stay together (DH and I celebrate 10 years of legal marriage next week). You can say the same things about those dating individuals who don't live together.

 

[goofyintoronto]

Yes I agree. It sounds like she went into it with that attitude that she can change his mind. Awful thing to do. Esp with a kid. And it definitely sounds like they're still in the dating stage, 100%.

For me , it isn't about the "hurry up and get married" part. I do not believe in rushing things either. I gave my ring back to DH 2x before we were married because I was trying to be sure and not ready to commit. So, for me, it is not that I think a year is too long. I think people need at least a year. At least. Just MHO. I just do not think she should live with him, with her child, when she is not really sre what direction this is really even headed--they sound like they are still in the "dating stage" and not really ready for marriage OR living together to me. Again, JMO. I think she sounds like she went into this home with the thought of, "I'll change him/his mind about all this." And that's the wrong thing to do.

I'd move out and keep dating him if I was in love with him.



That's interesting. I would have never lived with anyone before marriage.

But hmmm...if I had, we would most likely not be together now. We had a rough 3 years of marriage so if there had not been a solid commitment, I would have left, I'm sure. Nothing major (fighting, violence, adultery, etc.), just a rough 3 years (more me than him). I stayed because of those vows (and I did truly love him, that was never an issue). If I had not taken those vows, I would have felt like leaving would be so much easier than working things out.
26 years later, I've had a wonderful marriage and a great life with my husband. But, it was a rough time in the beginning.

 

[mickeyboat]

As for moving in together- DH and I started living together after we'd been dating about a year. We had been effectively living together before that, just not sharing a lease. So, we were officially living together for about 3 years before we were married (which included about 2 years of engagement). I can tell you that our opinion is and was that the official marriage was just a nice party and a legal certificate. Our marriage began when we moved in together and decided to share our lives with one another completely. It was, in no way, shape or form, an avoidance of marriage. DH and I have advised several of our friends to move in together prior to marriage, and they have all thanked us. Some people move in together and don't get legally married. Some people move in together, get married, and get divorced. And some people move in together, get married, and stay together (DH and I celebrate 10 years of legal marriage next week). You can say the same things about those dating individuals who don't live together.

You make a good point. When you moved in together, you were already committed to one another, completely, for life. The wedding was just a legal formality for you. I can see moving in together under those circumstances - yes I want to be married, yes I want to be married to you, let's try it out for a little while to make sure it works before we make it legal.

But it seems to me the OP's situation is much different because he does not want to commit, is procrastinating making a committment, and making all kinds of excuses as to why it is not the right time to make a committment. The OP isn't even sure he wants to be married at all. And to complicate things even further, there is a six year old whose well-being needs to be considered.

 

[Kat77]

I'm 35 but you are correct, no kids yet and not married yet.

I don't think the age or that fact that there are kids should speed up the time frame of a relationship. If anything it should slow it down. I really don't think a year is a very long time in any relationship. Not if you are 20, 30, or 40. Not if you have kids or you don't. Not if you have already been married or not.

I also don't think it is abnormal at all to be dating someone for a year, living with them for half of a year, and not know with certainty that you want to marry them. I really don't get the rush to make a decision before you are ready. It sounds from what was posted here that the OP's boyfriend is neither sure he wants to get married again or sure he doesn't. I think giving him some more time to figure it out without bringing it up isn't really that much to ask.

I agree with you. Kids do change things. Parents should manage their dating life in a manner that minimizes damage if things don't pan out.

I would not be living together after six months. Heck, I think it is irresponsible to have a new partner provide child care that early on -male or female (Nope it's not because I fear everyone is a predator!). At that point they should be getting to know each other on afternoon outings/weekend trips not adjusting to living together.

Why the rush? Why force roles on everyone they are not ready for?

 

[Bethshaya]

What's the rush?

We were together for 11 years before we got married. My son was 7 when he and I met. Although it had been several years since his father and I divorced, I did not want him to think I was replacing Daddy. We took our time and he was fine with that.

My son was 18 when we were married, he was the best man and he gave the toast. It was the most precious thing. He said that in the beginning, he thought that DH was replacing his father and he was mad at that. But as time passed, he realized he wasn't losing a father, but gaining another man in his life that loved him like a son. My son chooses to spend "Dad" time with DH. They are best buddies.

Take your time. Marriage is forever, so you have plenty of time. When he knows your the one, you'll know it too. And if he doesn't know it, that is your queue, not to spin your wheels. Drop him and move on. You wont ever be happy if you force him or trap him into that decision and it will only end up hurting your child.

 

[goofyintoronto]

If he didnt want to commit, do you think he would agree to moving in together? Thats a huge commitment right there! Besides, she knew his position on marriage from the get-go.

But it seems to me the OP's situation is much different because he does not want to commit, is procrastinating making a committment, and making all kinds of excuses as to why it is not the right time to make a committment. The OP isn't even sure he wants to be married at all. And to complicate things even further, there is a six year old whose well-being needs to be considered.

I agree. At 6 months, plus with a kid to boot, thats waaaay to soon to be moving in together. At that stage youre still trying to get to know eachother! From what the OP said, they dont see much of eachother right now, wonder what it was like before they moved in? I have a DS13, and I sure as heck dont introduce him to ANY MAN until I know where the relationship is headed. No way i'd be introducing him to the guy before 6 months, maybe even 1 yr!! Or maybe I just move at a much slower pace than most ppl? Anyway whats done is done, the OP lives with him now. From this point forward i think its wise for the OP to wait it out if she can, and just concentrate on building up your relationship and enjoying your time together.

I agree with you. Kids do change things. Parents should manage their dating life in a manner that minimizes damage if things don't pan out.

I would not be living together after six months. Heck, I think it is irresponsible to have a new partner provide child care that early on -male or female (Nope it's not because I fear everyone is a predator!). At that point they should be getting to know each other on afternoon outings/weekend trips not adjusting to living together.

Why the rush? Why force roles on everyone they are not ready for?

 

[mrsklamc]

. I wish more people would live in the moment when it comes to relationships. .

Usually I agree with you, but I feel this is only ok if BOTH parties are amenable to it. For example, DH's brother strung along a woman for several years, knowing that it was important to her to get married soon, and knowing that he had no intention of marrying her. That was pretty scummy, IMHO. I also think 'living in the moment when it comes to relationships' leads people to make some pretty poor decisions. They are enjoying being 'in the moment' with the person and don't think about what kind of potential parent or spouse the other person is going to be. Then they end up tied to a loser for life because they share a child, when it was totally foreseeable that this person was never going to be a good parent.

 

[Kat77]

Anyway whats done is done, the OP lives with him now. From this point forward i think its wise for the OP to wait it out if she can, and just concentrate on building up your relationship and enjoying your time together.

Yeah, I guess it's not very constructive when the OP is already in the situation....

I see two options:

1) If everyone is living together in harmony and kids are adjusting well to the situation quit trying to force something more. A piece of paper and a ring won't change things.

2) If things are off, you realize you have different life goals than your partner, quit dragging it out and move on (and out). Live and learn.

 

[KiKi Mouse]

These are big issues that should be discussed before moving in together.

Especially because there is a child involved and now this man is a stepfather in the child's life.

When my DH and I were dating we had talks about what we both wanted in life...marriage....kids. We had those talks around the fourth date. Put it all out there so we weren't wasting anybody's time. It wasn't a "I want to marry YOU", it was a discussion about what we each wanted for our future.

My now husband specifically said he wasn't interested in playing house. He was at a stage in his life where he wanted marriage and kids.

I am not sure why people are afraid to have these conversations with people they are dating.

Since this was not done prior to moving in together there are limited options.

The first is accepting you may never get married to this man.

The second is moving out and disrupting your child once again.

 

[goofyintoronto]

LOL! Now that i read it again, I gotta admit its pretty crappy advice I gave.

I agree with the below for sure. And your right, if the OP isnt happy, then move on out! Guess thats all she really can do if she's fed up that he's not proposing and decides that she doesnt want to be with him anymore.

Yeah, I guess it's not very constructive when the OP is already in the situation....

I see two options:

1) If everyone is living together in harmony and kids are adjusting well to the situation quit trying to force something more. A piece of paper and a ring won't change things.

2) If things are off, you realize you have different life goals than your partner, quit dragging it out and move on (and out). Live and learn.

 

[NHdisneylover]

Yeah, I guess it's not very constructive when the OP is already in the situation....

I see two options:

1) If everyone is living together in harmony and kids are adjusting well to the situation quit trying to force something more. A piece of paper and a ring won't change things.

2) If things are off, you realize you have different life goals than your partner, quit dragging it out and move on (and out). Live and learn.

 

[mrsklamc]

As for moving in together- there are huge statistical differences in the outcomes of living together, based on what the intent was when the "move in" occurred. Couples who move in together as a step toward marriage statistically are far more likely to last than couples who move in together not really knowing where it's headed.

 

[wvjules]

1. Living together IS a commitment
2. Living together is NOT playing house
3. The boyfriend is not a stepfather to the child
4. Living together does not mean the woman automatically assumes 'womanly duties' of cooking, cleaning, laundry, live-in housekeeper, etc. And along those lines, if that is what you consider a marriage, I wouldn't want it. My role isn't that of homemaker. It's a partnership.

That is all.

As for the OP. Give it more time. It is only a year and you are aleady committed to each other. If he's not ready for marriage now, maybe he will be soon. However, if he flat out says he doesn't want to get married again and it is a make or break for you, then it's best to end it.

 

[FireDancer]

Usually I agree with you, but I feel this is only ok if BOTH parties are amenable to it. For example, DH's brother strung along a woman for several years, knowing that it was important to her to get married soon, and knowing that he had no intention of marrying her. That was pretty scummy, IMHO. I also think 'living in the moment when it comes to relationships' leads people to make some pretty poor decisions. They are enjoying being 'in the moment' with the person and don't think about what kind of potential parent or spouse the other person is going to be. Then they end up tied to a loser for life because they share a child, when it was totally foreseeable that this person was never going to be a good parent.

If the guy is stringing her along I agree with you. I just think he really doesn't know yet and if that is the case I think it is best to just let the relationship take its natural course. Now, if he decides he doesn't want to get married he needs to tell her right away and not drag it out. At that point it becomes a different issue in my opinion.

I didn't really mean live in the moment and ignore the long term, more live in the moment and enjoy where the relationship is at the time without forcing it to quickly into the next phase. It sounds from what the OP is posting that this guy is thinking long term because he is seeing how they work as a couple and what the dynamic is and seeing if that it is what he wants long term. I don't think it is abnormal at all for this process to take more than a year or even two.

The bottom line for me is that I just don't agree at all with the people here who are saying that after daing for a year and living with the OP for 6 months there is no reason he isn't ready to marry her and he must just be stringing her along. That may be true but there is no evidence of it here, what the OP is saying her boyfriend is telling her doesn't support that either.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I have not read all the posts... so these are my initial thoughts... not influenced or based on replies to anyone else.

Personally, I would NEVER live with a man without some kind of commitment. At least a ring, and 'in the near future.. after graduation, promotion', or other live changing circumstance. I am not being a prude... I did live with my DH before we were married... I also had a ring on my finger, and we were setting a date, and he was moving some distance away to start his career. So, in this circumstance.. that seemed to be the way to go. A positive thing... A positive direction.

I see two huge red flags here.

First, is a lack of communication.
The OP is getting NO true and direct answers here.
I see that as a huge problem.

Secondly, this person's character, and ability, or lack of, to be counted on when it comes to planning things in the near or not-so-near future. The OP had posted, in her original post: He "then says 'I have a plan' this coming from someone that can't plan out 30 secs from now!!"

Okay, now I see a THIRD red flag here.
He says, "I" have a plan.
HIS plan?????

Shouldn't it be the two of them, deciding on THEIR plan, TOGETHER.

Like I said, this is not about being a prude, or counting months, etc...
This is about character and relationship issues.

This is coming from somebody who has BTDT.... a two year relationship with one guy, who never really could get-it-together and make any firm plan. And, another relationship with a guy whose favorite word was 'eventually'. I do know that this man is STILL that way.

If the OP can't have that 'real discussion'....
That 'heart to heart' with this man, and come to some satisfactory conclusion... The, personally, I would consider 'walking'.

Time stops for no-one.
It pays to know when to hold'em and when to fold'em.

 

[Wishing on a star]

1. Living together IS a commitment
2. Living together is NOT playing house
3. The boyfriend is not a stepfather to the child
4. Living together does not mean the woman automatically assumes 'womanly duties' of cooking, cleaning, laundry, live-in housekeeper, etc. And along those lines, if that is what you consider a marriage, I wouldn't want it. My role isn't that of homemaker. It's a partnership.

That is all.

As for the OP. Give it more time. It is only a year and you are aleady committed to each other. If he's not ready for marriage now, maybe he will be soon. However, if he flat out says he doesn't want to get married again and it is a make or break for you, then it's best to end it.

Sorry, but I have to very strongly disagree with the first statement above. Living together is NOT any commitment, at all. It just isn't.

 

[goofyintoronto]

How is that not a comittment? Do tell.

Sorry, but I have to very strongly disagree with the first statement above. Living together is NOT any commitment, at all. It just isn't.

Yup. Exactly. They moved in after 6 months....and ppl say he's stringing her along? after 6 months? LOL! Wow. Thats just bizarre to me.

The bottom line for me is that I just don't agree at all with the people here who are saying that after dating for a year and living with the OP for 6 months there is no reason he isn't ready to marry her and he must just be stringing her along. That may be true but there is no evidence of it here, what the OP is saying her boyfriend is telling her doesn't support that either.

 

[Aliceacc]

I don't understand why people seem determined to paint the boyfriend as the villian.

It seems to me that he's been pretty up front about his feelings all along. Based on what I've read, he hasn't made any pretenses about planning to get married to the OP.

He's not stringing her along. He's happy with the relationship as it is, with them living together unmarried.

 

[mrsklamc]

I don't understand why people seem determined to paint the boyfriend as the villian.

It seems to me that he's been pretty up front about his feelings all along. Based on what I've read, he hasn't made any pretenses about planning to get married to the OP.

He's not stringing her along. He's happy with the relationship as it is, with them living together unmarried.

Exactly. IF I'm understanding correctly the boyfriend was straight up w/ her about the fact that he wasn't ready for marriage yet, and she....I dunno, either ignored him or thought she could change him/his mind.