Bummed...

[mjpisani21]

DBF and I have a trip planned for first week of December. I of course have been busy making my plans, doing my research, buying MVMCP tickets, and getting my list of ADRs ready for my 180 day window which is June 4th. I am really excited for this trip because even though we go every year this will be my first disney trip with the Christmas decor.

Now for the bummer... Today at dinner BF parents, brother and sister in law and 3 kids say they want to come too. Now I am family friendly and love the kiddos but it seems like when we all vacation together DBFs family ends up fussing over the kids and the brother and his wife the whole time and my bf and I kinda get the shaft. Is it wrong for me to be bummed? Don't get me wrong, I do enjoy them all but it is hard for me to let my weeks and months of planning go for some last minute tagalongs. Any tips or suggestions on how to try and make this a pleasant trip? Oh and I should add BF and I are staying at beach club and now there aren't any cheaper rooms available for rest of the family at beach club so they are trying to convince us to stay at a moderate. Not to be grouchy but I like the beach club and I don't want to change!!! Help!!!

 

[Mousemommy1]

DBF and I have a trip planned for first week of December. I of course have been busy making my plans, doing my research, buying MVMCP tickets, and getting my list of ADRs ready for my 180 day window which is June 4th. I am really excited for this trip because even though we go every year this will be my first disney trip with the Christmas decor.

Now for the bummer... Today at dinner BF parents, brother and sister in law and 3 kids say they want to come too. Now I am family friendly and love the kiddos but it seems like when we all vacation together DBFs family ends up fussing over the kids and the brother and his wife the whole time and my bf and I kinda get the shaft. Is it wrong for me to be bummed? Don't get me wrong, I do enjoy them all but it is hard for me to let my weeks and months of planning go for some last minute tagalongs. Any tips or suggestions on how to try and make this a pleasant trip? Oh and I should add BF and I are staying at beach club and now there aren't any cheaper rooms available for rest of the family at beach club so they are trying to convince us to stay at a moderate. Not to be grouchy but I like the beach club and I don't want to change!!! Help!!!

This obviously depends on your BF's relationship with his family, but I think that since you guys already had a trip planned, you shouldn't have to change your plans. Let the rest of them stay wherever they book, you already decided on the BC.

And, just make time to spend alone with your BF. This was/is your trip. Is any of his family paying for your part of the trip? If no, then they have no say.

No need to be bummed, just continue on with your plans. You can give them a few times during the trip where you are able to get together and then leave it up to them.

 

[bumbershoot]

This is your trip. If they choose to go at the same time it doesn't have to mess with your trip unless you let it.

 

[mjpisani21]

This obviously depends on your BF's relationship with his family, but I think that since you guys already had a trip planned, you shouldn't have to change your plans. Let the rest of them stay wherever they book, you already decided on the BC.

And, just make time to spend alone with your BF. This was/is your trip. Is any of his family paying for your part of the trip? If no, then they have no say.

No need to be bummed, just continue on with your plans. You can give them a few times during the trip where you are able to get together and then leave it up to them.

Yeah I agree. Thanks for your support! It's just hard because BFs family will pay for brother and his family but not us since we can afford it and don't need their help. So we end up paying our way, making the plans, and then basically throwing our plans out the window to try and make everyone happy. BF doesn't like conflict so he does whatever his family says. Makes me feel frustrated sometimes because even though I've been dating BF for almost 7 years sometimes i dont feel like they value my opinion or feelings like that of BF brother and sister in law.

I tried to say we don't need to do everything together. We can book some reservations together and some apart. We shall see. It's hard being a planner but having no voice to say what I think.

 

[AliceIn]

I would definitely not move to the moderate resort if that is not what you want from the vacation. Let them stay moderate, and you guys stay at the BC. That will allow you to have some dinners and such together, but not have the entire vacation centered around the kids.

 

[sharadoc]

In sweetest voice: "So sorry, we would have to pay a penalty to change resorts so we're staying at Beach Club. We'd love to meet up with you guys and do things together." Then make sure the phone is turned off half the time.

Plan a couple of meals together, send them a link to easywdw.com and the Disney dining website.

You sound like a sweet person, so you don't seem like you'd be a source of conflict for your BF. If you guys can be on the same page as far as what you both want out of the trip, then you can gameplan the best way to handle his family. As long as you both agree, and can work out details, you'll be fine.

 

[darkwing818]

I would definitely not move to the moderate resort if that is not what you want from the vacation. Let them stay moderate, and you guys stay at the BC. That will allow you to have some dinners and such together, but not have the entire vacation centered around the kids.

Leave the Beach Club (our personal favorite) for a moderate; "No Way Jose". As others have stated let the "Come Lately's" stay where they wish. Just my opinion.

 

[6disneykids]

I don't think you should change your plans, and it will give you two some separate time away from family.
I think you should have your BF tell his family what your plans are and what meals/parks you all can do together. If you are the one to tell his family ( even if its done in the sweetest way ever), it will more seem like your plans are more important than his family, even if they decided to tag along.
I am not sure if any GF, no matter how long she has been involved with their son, will ever get the same amount of attention as his parents will give to their grand kids, and sometimes that means giving more to the grand kids parents too to be involved.

 

[freckles04]

The situation above has happened to me, and is why I will forevermore keep our trips a secret until right before we leave! Had family join us for a day and it happened to be MK day. I love my family but we spent half the day trying to continually meet back up, and they came last minute and so couldnt even join us for dinner. DS still talks about missing a lot of MK (it was his first trip).

 

[dizneekrazee]

Yeah I agree. Thanks for your support! It's just hard because BFs family will pay for brother and his family but not us since we can afford it and don't need their help. So we end up paying our way, making the plans, and then basically throwing our plans out the window to try and make everyone happy. BF doesn't like conflict so he does whatever his family says. Makes me feel frustrated sometimes because even though I've been dating BF for almost 7 years sometimes i dont feel like they value my opinion or feelings like that of BF brother and sister in law.

I tried to say we don't need to do everything together. We can book some reservations together and some apart. We shall see. It's hard being a planner but having no voice to say what I think.

I wonder if our DBFs are brothers lol, jk. He sounds just like mine.

Anyhow, I agree with others. Don't change your hotel. Don't change your plans. Maybe see a few ADRs they are interested in, and have a few sit down meals together, but be sure to have some just the 2 of you. Even if it mean leaving the parks a bit earlier and going to DTD together. Without notifying the rest of the group. Like maybe after AK closes.

 

[bumbershoot]

BF doesn't like conflict so he does whatever his family says. Makes me feel frustrated sometimes because even though I've been dating BF for almost 7 years ....

7 years and he doesn't mind conflict with *you*, but he does with his family? I think you guys need this alone-time to have some serious conversations.

7 years, he'd better be starting to think of you as his family, and if he isn't, well... I think some chats need to happen.



And yes, many families do not take girl/boyfriends or even fiance/es seriously; being welcomed into the family happens, with many families, after vows have been taken. So that makes sense for many families. (my family welcomed DH after a few months of dating...his family welcomed me after I busted my rear to take care of MIL after a series of strokes, 9 years into our *marriage*...thankfully DH had already gone to war with his mother (the main problem) and had made it clear, very early on, that he was on MY side, just as she had taught him to do once he got married)

And yes, children bring the attention of grandparents and parents. It just happens. If you two ever create a family of your own, you will notice it in a more positive light.

So for now, take your own vacations. And have some nice long talks about who, exactly, he needs to start taking care of more, anti-conflict-wise....

 

[dizneekrazee]

7 years and he doesn't mind conflict with *you*, but he does with his family? I think you guys need this alone-time to have some serious conversations.

7 years, he'd better be starting to think of you as his family, and if he isn't, well... I think some chats need to happen.



And yes, many families do not take girl/boyfriends or even fiance/es seriously; being welcomed into the family happens, with many families, after vows have been taken. So that makes sense for many families.

And yes, children bring the attention of grandparents and parents. It just happens. If you two ever create a family of your own, you will notice it in a more positive light.

So for now, take your own vacations. And have some nice long talks about who, exactly, he needs to start taking care of more, anti-conflict-wise....

This.

 

[disneylove69]

Your BF needs to tell the family, "Maybe we can hook up for dinner while we are there." Don't change a thing

 

[mjpisani21]

7 years and he doesn't mind conflict with *you*, but he does with his family? I think you guys need this alone-time to have some serious conversations.

7 years, he'd better be starting to think of you as his family, and if he isn't, well... I think some chats need to happen.

And yes, many families do not take girl/boyfriends or even fiance/es seriously; being welcomed into the family happens, with many families, after vows have been taken. So that makes sense for many families. (my family welcomed DH after a few months of dating...his family welcomed me after I busted my rear to take care of MIL after a series of strokes, 9 years into our *marriage*...thankfully DH had already gone to war with his mother (the main problem) and had made it clear, very early on, that he was on MY side, just as she had taught him to do once he got married)

And yes, children bring the attention of grandparents and parents. It just happens. If you two ever create a family of your own, you will notice it in a more positive light.

So for now, take your own vacations. And have some nice long talks about who, exactly, he needs to start taking care of more, anti-conflict-wise....

Thanks for the advice. DBF is wonderful. I think his parents and family just try to make him feel in the middle sometimes. I'm pretty go with the flow too and I think that adds to the problem. Since I'm always like yeah whatever they have sorta taken this for granted. I think BF and I will be having some chats with the family about the expectations of this trip. For now I'm planning the meals for the 2 of us. If they want to join they can make reservations for all 9. And you're right about when they change their mindset from GF to family member. It's really a shame that some people act this way. I also think the fact that we are more secure financially and more responsible adds to it. DBFs brother and his wife always have their hands out for something and only come around for free stuff so I think his parents fuss over them more because they're scared the relationship will end if they don't. Again, this is a shame. I just need to not take it personally and be more (in a kind way) vocal to BF and let him handle it.

 

[disnut8]

DBF and I have a trip planned for first week of December. I of course have been busy making my plans, doing my research, buying MVMCP tickets, and getting my list of ADRs ready for my 180 day window which is June 4th. I am really excited for this trip because even though we go every year this will be my first disney trip with the Christmas decor.

Now for the bummer... Today at dinner BF parents, brother and sister in law and 3 kids say they want to come too. Now I am family friendly and love the kiddos but it seems like when we all vacation together DBFs family ends up fussing over the kids and the brother and his wife the whole time and my bf and I kinda get the shaft. Is it wrong for me to be bummed? Don't get me wrong, I do enjoy them all but it is hard for me to let my weeks and months of planning go for some last minute tagalongs. Any tips or suggestions on how to try and make this a pleasant trip? Oh and I should add BF and I are staying at beach club and now there aren't any cheaper rooms available for rest of the family at beach club so they are trying to convince us to stay at a moderate. Not to be grouchy but I like the beach club and I don't want to change!!! Help!!!

I wouldn't sweat it. You stay at the Beach Club and offer advice to the others on where they should stay. If they don't want the same resort then just say you can text or call each morning to coordinate plans. If they match up, great. If not, you just move on. We stayed with our son and his family in connecting rooms at Pop Century and there were days we went our separate ways just because they wanted to do things we had no interest in. We also started in the same park but then split up.

And you have until Christmas so there's plenty of time to talk to them about all this. With that many people, there is no way in hell you can all tour together. No way. PM me if you want my trip report with ten people. It was impossible to stay together. Totally impossible and we even stayed at the same resort.

 

[GaSleepingBeautyFan]

I totally understand.
I've got a situation with my husband in that he keeps wanting to shorten our trip, visit with people who are his friends only off site and even have one guy join us one day. We are 2 weeks away from the trip when he brings that one up. I'm so relieved that I chose for us to stay onsite this trip instead of renting a condo.
I did shorten the trip a bit for him but told him that he is more than welcome to take the car and visit with his friends off site but the kids and I won't be joining him. But not on the day we HDDR scheduled since that is 100% paid for already.

And as far as the fellow who wants to join us - I gave my husband the 2 days we don't have ADR's or a tour and told him those are the days that work for us. I figure whatever happens the kids and I can always leave my husband and his friend to do their own thing if needed.

So my story just goes to show that you can work it out if you talk to your BF. You will both need to be ok with whatever you decide.

And I'd plan on touring alot without the whole group. I bet once they get there, they aren't going to want to get out of bed and get moving in the morning or want to go where you want to.

It's nice that you have alot of time to figure it out. Good luck!

 

[BringingUpDisney]

It may help to find the middle ground. Keep your plans to stay at the BC and your ADRs. However, I suggest perhaps that since you are Disney literate as well as a planner that you plan a few special events for the whole family. Perhaps a morning or lunch ADR for a meal with characters that will make the kids happy.

By planning some together time, you leave the way clear for you and DBF to have some couple time.

I did this a few years ago when the whole family invited themselves on a DL trip. I shuddered at the idea of trying to do anything with 16 extra non-planning people. I knew it would be a lot of "where do we go next" and "I don't know what do you want to do" - ugh.

I planned a few meals to make everyone happy. Then I would do things such as we are going to X, you can join if you want. Usually after one or two attractions we would lose part of the group to some other thing or for rest, exactly as we wanted!

Good luck!

 

[snykymom]

I have a slightly different take. You can plan all you want before hand. You can have as many discussions as you want with the family before hand. You can make all the ADRs you want for just the two of you.

You'll get there, you'll say, "We're going to . . . ", your in-laws will give your BF the puppy dog look - "But we want to go to . . . " or "eat at . . . " or "swim" or whatever, and your BF will cave. Then, even though you're staying at a different resort (and I bet it won't take long before BF tries to convince you to move or "My parents will be sooooo unhappy"), you'll be mad at him, he'll feel stuck in the middle, and you'll all end up having a terrible time.

Wait and see if they actually make any reservations. If they do, cancel yours and book at another time.

Go with them and you will regret it.

 

[rwdavis2]

Thanks for the advice. DBF is wonderful. I think his parents and family just try to make him feel in the middle sometimes. I'm pretty go with the flow too and I think that adds to the problem. Since I'm always like yeah whatever they have sorta taken this for granted. I think BF and I will be having some chats with the family about the expectations of this trip. For now I'm planning the meals for the 2 of us. If they want to join they can make reservations for all 9. And you're right about when they change their mindset from GF to family member. It's really a shame that some people act this way. I also think the fact that we are more secure financially and more responsible adds to it. DBFs brother and his wife always have their hands out for something and only come around for free stuff so I think his parents fuss over them more because they're scared the relationship will end if they don't. Again, this is a shame. I just need to not take it personally and be more (in a kind way) vocal to BF and let him handle it.

The first chat needs to happen with the BF. Be absolutely clear on what you want and be firm about it. There is no reason to let anyone ruin YOUR vacation. You are paying for it out of your own pocket.

 

[robinb]

DBF and I have a trip planned for first week of December. I of course have been busy making my plans, doing my research, buying MVMCP tickets, and getting my list of ADRs ready for my 180 day window which is June 4th. I am really excited for this trip because even though we go every year this will be my first disney trip with the Christmas decor.

Now for the bummer... Today at dinner BF parents, brother and sister in law and 3 kids say they want to come too. Now I am family friendly and love the kiddos but it seems like when we all vacation together DBFs family ends up fussing over the kids and the brother and his wife the whole time and my bf and I kinda get the shaft. Is it wrong for me to be bummed? Don't get me wrong, I do enjoy them all but it is hard for me to let my weeks and months of planning go for some last minute tagalongs. Any tips or suggestions on how to try and make this a pleasant trip? Oh and I should add BF and I are staying at beach club and now there aren't any cheaper rooms available for rest of the family at beach club so they are trying to convince us to stay at a moderate. Not to be grouchy but I like the beach club and I don't want to change!!! Help!!!

Really? You're jealous that your BF's family pays more attention to married son and their grandchildren instead of you? Their son's long term (I assume) shacked up girlfriend? I think it's natural your BF's parents to have a closer relationship with the married son's family. As a former long term shacked up girlfriend I have to tell you that my in-laws (who are wonderful, BTW) treated me one way before we were married, then differently once we were married and differently again when we had a child. My relationship with them changed as my relationship with my husband changed.

Yeah I agree. Thanks for your support! It's just hard because BFs family will pay for brother and his family but not us since we can afford it and don't need their help. So we end up paying our way, making the plans, and then basically throwing our plans out the window to try and make everyone happy. BF doesn't like conflict so he does whatever his family says. Makes me feel frustrated sometimes because even though I've been dating BF for almost 7 years sometimes i dont feel like they value my opinion or feelings like that of BF brother and sister in law.

I tried to say we don't need to do everything together. We can book some reservations together and some apart. We shall see. It's hard being a planner but having no voice to say what I think.

I hate to say, but that is a huge red flag. Stick around here enough and you will read about wives with husbands and children where the husband does not support his wife and kowtows to his mom so he can avoid conflict with his family. It never turns out well. FTR, it doesn't sound like you're "in the middle", it sounds like you are the caboose. It seems that your BF has shown you who he is in the last 7 years and you are doomed to throwing out your plans to make everyone else happy .

IF your BF can stand up to his family and lend you his support, here is what I would suggest. (1) Stay at your current resort. They can stay at a moderate. It will be better having the physical distance between you. (2) Go ahead and tell them your plans as you go: "We're going to the MK tomorrow. Give us a call when you get there." but don't change your plans for them. If they want to join you, fine. If not, that's fine too. If you want to be there at rope drop but they want to sleep in, it's all good. (3) Make a couple of ADRs for all of you. You won't escape being with them, but you might as well be in control of when and where you eat with them. (4) Keep a couple of your "BF/GF only" ADRs. Don't let them know about them in advance so they can't crash your party.

Good luck.