The only fact anyone needs to know before calling authorities in the case of child molestation in Florida is that a child says someone did it.
Hallelujah.
Most of us don't have tapes.
I thought that was just common sense.
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Oh boy. This is going to be totally off topic by me but since there are so many parents on here concerned for their children, and some who are also a tad ignorant about sexual abuse, I am going to choose to share some important insights. And I think I have some important ones. Nothing to do with the Disney and their choices - and I realize OT - but important nonetheless.
I was sexually abused by a family member for years. I have no problem typing that for three reasons:
1) I didn't do anything wrong.
2) I've had therapy around it. And have worked my _____ off to heal. And against many people who thought I "should just move on". (I tried that method - doesn't work )
3) That fact, and healing, gives me many insights to help others.
I'm almost 46 years old and I can't even explain to you how this had adversely impacted my life. So much work over the years. So much money. So much work. So many lost opportunities to live out situations normally. But it didn't have to be as much as a struggle and that's where this education I'm going to share is needed. Although I LOVE my parents with every ounce of me and know that they failed in some ways as well (can hold both)- their choices then and now and when they found out years later on added to all of it. Not said for sympathy or in anger - just said to tell you that ongoing sexual abuse is beyond the moments - they actually have proven
it changes brain chemistry. Til' this day I have to *try* be conscious about how I react to certain issues - knowing that there is often an over reaction or reaction that doesn't fit the situation. But said, most importantly, to share that your reaction matters much more that you might realize.
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First the questioning about him being out in the open by a couple of posters:
* some pedophiles like that thrill of being almost seen and not caught - part of their thrill.
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The grandmother:
*Maybe, who knows, she has a basis/history not to go another step through the legal system in her own country and transferred it. I know I now do - sighing loudly. Despite three different charges/three different people - my uncle still walks free or maybe he's left the earth (one would hope for others' safety) - and the court cases and dealing with police, in my case only, have done little to make one feel empowered. So difficult choices there - not black and white.
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Her not screaming - even if you were just talking about confinement/stopping her from moving - people questioning kidnapping charges:
*many victims *go somewhere* in their head
* SHOCK - plain and simple - think about your own life where someone has said something to you or did something on a much smaller scale and you went somewhere and didn't react. And she's being touched and kissed by a stranger (no need to keep looking at the tape - she said so, correct?
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The "she wasn't raped" and "I've seen worse" and around the seriousness of the issue and "hitting on a girl" comment:
*I don't even know where to begin. No she wasn't raped by definition. But I can't even find words to explain how all of that is incredibly offensive to openly state. I know you didn't mean to be - I know - I fully understand that but it's offensive nonetheless. And you need to hear that - it will bring on some thought and insight about a crime going forward.
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TO THE PARENTS ON HERE:
Parents, here is the best piece of advice I can give you. You can't control everything. Obviously. There are many people who are sexually abused. And despite every good action and protection and thought it could happen to someone you love regardless. It could. I know that's an absolutely horrific thought. I don't say that for fear - I say that so that you're ready to deal if it ever happens. The absolute BEST thing you can do is immediately explain to your child a few things - IMMEDIATELY:
*but first make sure you're as calm and clear and present as you can be - I know easier said than done, I know - try as hard as you can knowing that you're filled with a myriad of emotions.
*Tell them that you are so sorry that you're weren't there to protect them. No matter how much you feel like you couldn't. Don't go on and on about how you didn't know or why you couldn't. Be clear, concise and firm but calm. Tell them that you are so sorry that you're weren't there. Repeat that more than once. So that that's the words that stay in their brain and are heard.
*Tell them that you love them
*Tell them that what happened has nothing to do with them at all. NOTHING. Make it crystal clear. It was has to do with the person that did that - they are wrong. They are ill. Calling the person a monster, devil doesn't really help the situation IMO.
*Do not quiz them about penetration and act like that's a baseline for harm.
*Do not go on about how YOU have been affected by it all. It's secondary.
If it happens once by a stranger - monitor whether it needs to be dealt with by a professional. It might be best to treat it as it is - a person who is ill and doesn't have to do with you (the child) at all. Look after it without drama. Goldie Hawn has stated that she was sexually abused by someone - her mother came in quickly - told her that she wasn't to blame and that it had nothing to do with her. I'm insinuating that there *might* be an opportunity to heal some of it instantly and not have it affect the child's life in moving forward. Plus, I have a friend where it was a one time only - where her mother immediately went after the person and she felt fine as an adult and couldn't understand any of my struggles. So if taken care of versus ongoing - years on end - loved one as pedophile can be completely different situations and more importantly outcome for life.
If it has been ongoing - and too if it is by someone the child LOVED - there are repercussions that you as a parent can not fully take in or truly understand or even sometimes acknowledge if you have never been there. Accept that no matter how vulnerable you feel or how uncomfortable that is or what you *think* you understand. You don't. It affects a child's brain - they have proven that -the flight or fight response. And therapy can help.
Never let any guilt you might feel, for not being there or not seeing it (Pedophiles are beyond skilled at what they do and unlike this situation those abused often love their abusers), stop you from doing your job as a parent. Be conscious that guilt can harm the healing process for everyone. And if you have been abused yourself and not taken care of it try to be conscious that this might harm the healing of your child as well.
And if this has happened and you haven't reacted well - don't let that stop you now - DON'T - you're not perfect - go back, apologize and do it better. That will help.
Okay, OT obviously but great opportunity to educate. If it ends up helping one person I would be very happy.
Lisa
YAY!!! We finally agree on something!!!
