He said no to marriage therapy, now what?

[ditsypixie]

Hi all. I have been married 15 years and have 2 wonderful children. Husband and I have been having problems on/off for past 6 months. I think we have a serious communication problem and would like to talk to someone. He has refused. He thinks its a waste of time and money. And he thinks nothing is wrong. I don't know what to do.

Anyone been in this situation?

Thanks.

 

[mommasita]

I am sorry to hear this.

I have been married 18 years this summer, and it wasn't all a bunch of roses. We have had patches, and discussed the marriage counselor thing. He also wasn't interested.. I made a deal that I started alone, and if they suggested it, then he would come in.. OF course he had to..

What would be his suggestion, and the reason for not wanting to go?

 

[disney2014plan]

You can go to relationship counselling without him, you know - it might help you think about things like your response to his behaviours, whether certain things are in fact the trivia, or deal breaker, that you thought they would be.

 

[ditsypixie]

I am sorry to hear this.

I have been married 18 years this summer, and it wasn't all a bunch of roses. We have had patches, and discussed the marriage counselor thing. He also wasn't interested.. I made a deal that I started alone, and if they suggested it, then he would come in.. OF course he had to..

What would be his suggestion, and the reason for not wanting to go?

Thank you. His reason is that its a waste of money and time. We have had some financial difficulties this past year to add to everything else. Our church offers a counseling center so I thought that might be a good place to start with just me going alone. They will work with you on a sliding payment scale and since I only work part time, they will take that into consideration. He also comes from a family that doesn't "air dirty laundry" for everyone to hear. I come from a family where if there is a problem, we get it out, and DEAL with it.

I like the idea of going alone so at the end of the day...I can look back on it and say I gave it everything I could if I end up walking away. I think I owe that to me and my kids.

 

[ditsypixie]

You can go to relationship counselling without him, you know - it might help you think about things like your response to his behaviours, whether certain things are in fact the trivia, or deal breaker, that you thought they would be.

Thank you...I have looked into our counseling center at our church to start with alone. I totally agree with you. And at the end of the day, I want to look back and say I did everything I could to save the marriage, even if he didn't. I owe that to me and my children.

 

[ChrisParker]

Hugs and Prayers to you. There is a book I really like called Hold Me Tight. It's all about communication styles and my husband and I have really enjoyed it. Even if you read it on your own, it might give you a different perspective on your situation or at least let you feel like you are taking some action.

I hope things go well for you!!

 

[buzlite]

I'm sorry to hear about your situation and it is an extremely tough spot to be in. One thing you may want to consider is your own communication with your husband. Have you told him that you feel it is a very good use of your money and it is important to you. Have you told him the barrier in communication has you doubting the marriage and that you are not happy in your situation and with him. I believe its best if you first explain completely and clearly to your husband and make sure he understands the strain and risk he is going to take by not going to therapy. After this you should consult a relationship councillor with him or by yourself. Just remember that men are not bad at communicating but are just different. He may not have known what you actually meant. If he did then at least now you know for sure.
What ever it is you decide, please make sure you see a relationship councillor. Also remember that an unhappy home is not a good home for children and seeing the councillor is something you are doing for them as well. Also please don't trick, lie and hide things from your husband. Keep an honest high level of communication open at all times. Best wishes

 

[mrsklamc]

Tell him if he thinks counseling is expensive, it's WAY cheaper than divorce.

Honestly, counseling usually does fail but there's a very specific reason for that. Usually, by the time a couple makes it to counseling, one spouse is already 'emotionally divorced' and isn't trying anymore.

If he thinks nothing is wrong, and you want to try, it doesn't sound like that is where you are.

Since you mentioned church, also try reading 'Love and Respect.'

 

[tuvalox]

The Pastor of our church does marriage counseling for free. Maybe you could look to other churches in your area and see if that is available. That way you aren't "airing your dirty laundry" and it won't cost anything.

 

[lmhall2000]

Generally, most marriage problems are lack of communication...I do not think a counselor is necessary..but I think a good deal of communicating/listening is..

Make a list of 5 things that you think would 'improve' your marriage...be SPECIFIC...keep each item less than 10 words...this is not a chance to let steam off or 'prove your point' just STATE your point. As an aside, don't make it all about what HE can do for you, maybe it's just having a time to sit down and make financial goals..or taking an afternoon with no TV/videos to have a picnic out...

Then make a list of 5 things that you have failed at in regards to what YOU do for HIM.

If he will, ask him to do the same for you...he sees no problem in the marriage...so he may be fine (that may be a problem of yours that he doesn't 'care' or seem to care)

then have him make a list of five things that he has failed to do for you or what he imagines the 'ideal' husband would typically do for their wife.

After 15 years, we forget some of the basics of courtship and showing affection...we forget to recognize how both have failed to meet expectations or to lower expectations!

From both lists, each of you choose just ONE thing that you promise to work on during the next month...all the other items have been 'presented' and are known to each other...don't brood on them, just tackle one chink in the armor at a time!

 

[BensDaddy]

For what it's worth, I've suggested therapy to my wife many times and she refuses. I've given up asking and given up hope that the things we struggle with will improve.

 

[Goldilocks07]

Hi all. I have been married 15 years and have 2 wonderful children. Husband and I have been having problems on/off for past 6 months. I think we have a serious communication problem and would like to talk to someone. He has refused. He thinks its a waste of time and money. And he thinks nothing is wrong. I don't know what to do.

Anyone been in this situation?

Thanks.

I have been married 9 years. I have been to a marriage counselor. And I know MANY others who've also been. Matter of fact, now that I'm thinking of it, the only person I know that hasn't been is my sister. Good for her.

That being said, I think you should try it- and see how you like it. It may work for you, if anything it allows open communication with a person there to be the referee.

My experience, and most everyone I know also feels the same way, is that it's a waste of time and money. It doesn't fix ANYTHING. Be prepared for things to get aired out- and all it did for me was make me realize how much I truly don't like my husband or marriage. I am also with a husband who won't change- and he's so old and stubborn it's just too far gone for him to completely change his personality. I need to trade in. LOL

I still think it's healthy to try it. You have nothing to lose (except your sanity, as did I)....

 

[ronandannette]

Thank you...I have looked into our counseling center at our church to start with alone. I totally agree with you. And at the end of the day, I want to look back and say I did everything I could to save the marriage, even if he didn't. I owe that to me and my children.

Hi, I realize a bit of time has gone by since you started this thread...have you visited the counsellor yet? I really want to encourage you that going alone can be very helpful as they will give you insights and strategies to use on your own with your DH whether he goes or not. I'm also a big fan of people of faith using their church resources so you can be confident that the counsellor's values are similar to your own.