Fellow DISmoms/dads I need some advice.

[luvslikepi]

There is a big part of me that wants to book this 4 day Bahamas Disney cruise as a gift to myself for finishing this particularly difficult semester that departs April 14...it's a four day'er. Not long but a break from reality would be very welcome after this semester. I'll be done with classes on April 11...last lecture and assignment due (I'm working on a PhD.) Qualifying exam is June 4,5,6...the same week I was supposed to go to Texas with the hubs for our nephews high school graduation. Jason also has to go to NCO Academy sometime soon after returning. Another 6 weeks away. We have the money. More than enough actually. The one good thing about deployments is that we can save a good chunk of money. Plus with our little tax deduction we're getting a good return this year. What do I do? I think if I go it might piss Jason off. But I need something to break me out of my rut right now and he cannot guarantee me a vacation again this year because of military obligations. I start working on my dissertation after my Qualifying Exam and I'm worried that if I don't get a little break now I'll be going non-stop for another 1 1/2 to 2 years without even a little vacation. Needless to say after what seems like an endless deployment, working full time, going to school full time and taking care of three dogs and a baby I'm a little burned out and no one seems to get that I would very much like to veg out for awhile. Lilly would go with me. She did great at Disneyland so a cruise seems like no worries for me. But like I said I'm so indecisive right now I need some advice.

 

[bumbershoot]

I've done solo trips and I've gone to DLR with just my son when DH's work keeps him from traveling with us. But I, personally, won't do anything NEW with my son when DH isn't around. OK there are always new things happening, but if this would be your first cruise since baby, I wouldn't personally go on it.

But then I also know that it's HARD to have a true, proper, relaxing vacation when you have a baby (or toddler or young child), because if you're not directly caring for them, you're worrying about who is caring for them. Just not a lot of uninterrupted rest there. So you might be after something that's going to be hard to find while baby is so little...

Can you talk about it with your husband? Surely he can see (or hear? if he's deployed and isn't in the room with you?) how stressed you are? And if he knows that vacations, even with a baby, relax you, perhaps he's already thinking of where you can go and what you can do to decompress. He might surprise you.

 

[luvslikepi]

But then I also know that it's HARD to have a true, proper, relaxing vacation when you have a baby (or toddler or young child), because if you're not directly caring for them, you're worrying about who is caring for them. Just not a lot of uninterrupted rest there. So you might be after something that's going to be hard to find while baby is so little...

Can you talk about it with your husband? Surely he can see (or hear? if he's deployed and isn't in the room with you?) how stressed you are? And if he knows that vacations, even with a baby, relax you, perhaps he's already thinking of where you can go and what you can do to decompress. He might surprise you.

He has already said that he does not want to go on a cruise, I personally love cruising and find it to be the most relaxing type of vacation. Also, I have tried talking with him...in depth....about how much I need a break and his reply is always to either quit school or work. Neither of which I can do. I could quit school but it would damage my ability to find a good job that I actually enjoy. I can't quit my job because we both like our current lifestyle of living. Most of my family has not been very supportive about my need for a break, period. Or at least, I've felt like they have not been very supportive.

My heart is saying I've got to do something vacation-ee, while my head is saying you need to wait. I hate it when those two thought processes are in opposition to one another. I actually emailed him this morning and said....hey..my classes are done April 11...can I take a four day trip with DISbaby? And the independent person in my bones hated that I felt I had to ask him if I could take a vacation.

 

[MSSANDRA]

I think you need to get to an understanding between you and your DH before you make a decision. I can not pretend to understand what the life of a wife that has a deployed husband is like but I am sure that stressed is an understatement of your life right now but I am sure your DH has been stressed to being deployed and the father of a new baby. I can understand he may not be happy about being away and then you spending a lot of money on a cruise without him....not saying it is wrong, just seeing both sides. Maybe figure out a shorter get-a way for now for all three of you...sure he wants some time with your DD too, and save the cruise for when he can get some PTO.

 

[cheer25mom]

I say go. If you need a break, have the money, and he cannot go with hubs has no right to be ticked off about it, IMO assuming that this is not something you do on a regular basis. Eveyone needs time off at some point, and if you truly need a break I think he should at least make an effort to understand, and you shouldn't have to be afraid of making him angry. Talk to him in a frank, unemotional manner about the fact that you really need to get away for a few days, and if he is still angry I think it is his problem rather than yours. I know it probably sounds harsh to some, but there comes a point in your life when other people's expectations have to take a backseat to what you truly need. It doesn't really sound to me like he is making any effort to be understanding of your situation or helpful in the least. I owuldn't be asking "can I". I would be saying "hey, I'm thinking of going on a cruise with the kiddo. I really need a break. Whay do you think." My husband doesn't tell me what i can and cannot do, rather we make decisions TOGETHER based on what we both think is best at the time. He is going to have to start meeting you in the middle or it is going to be a long road.

 

[OklahomaTourist]

...(Working on a PhD) Qualifying exam is June 4,5,6...the same week I was supposed to go to Texas with the hubs for our nephews high school graduation....(snip).... I start working on my dissertation after my Qualifying Exam and I'm worried that if I don't get a little break now I'll be going non-stop for another 1 1/2 to 2 years without even a little vacation.

Let me preface this by apologizing in advance if I've not understood the scenario properly or accurately. With that caveat, I'll offer these thoughts. I'm a father of two teenagers, no military affiliations of any kind, so I can't offer any direct experience in that vein. But, understanding what I think I do...here goes..

Does the time frame you relay imply 1-1/2 to 2 years with no vacation-type time with your husband due to military deployments? And he has already told you he can't promise another vacation this year due to military obligations?

I surely am in no position to tell anyone with military affiliations what's the right or wrong thing to do for their family, but I've got to tell you, when I see the reunion videos of families separated for months or years due to deployments everywhere, and see tears running down young and adult faces just for the sight of that family member, it seems to me that every possible second I could spend with that family member would be precious.

As for me, and I can only speak for myself, were I a military type, and I thought I'd be going upwards of two years abiding military deployments without seeing my wife or family, and had only one near-term window of opportunity to spend some time with them, I would be brokenhearted to discover that my wife preferred to make other plans for a cruise with friends. Then again, I'm a hopeless romantic

Again, if I've misunderstood the situation, my apologies.

I'm hoping you can resolve your schedules such that you an spend some quality time together. PhD's and money are transitory, and babies grow up. Time spent with loved ones can never be lost, nor the lost time recaptured.

Good luck in your decision.

 

[cheer25mom]

Let me preface this by apologizing in advance if I've not understood the scenario properly or accurately. With that caveat, I'll offer these thoughts. I'm a father of two teenagers, no military affiliations of any kind, so I can't offer any direct experience in that vein. But, understanding what I think I do...here goes..

Does the time frame you relay imply 1-1/2 to 2 years with no vacation-type time with your husband due to military deployments? And he has already told you he can't promise another vacation this year due to military obligations?

I surely am in no position to tell anyone with military affiliations what's the right or wrong thing to do for their family, but I've got to tell you, when I see the reunion videos of families separated for months or years due to deployments everywhere, and see tears running down young and adult faces just for the sight of that family member, it seems to me that every possible second I could spend with that family member would be precious.

As for me, and I can only speak for myself, were I a military type, and I thought I'd be going upwards of two years abiding military deployments without seeing my wife or family, and had only one near-term window of opportunity to spend some time with them, I would be brokenhearted to discover that my wife preferred to make other plans for a cruise with friends. Then again, I'm a hopeless romantic

Again, if I've misunderstood the situation, my apologies.

I'm hoping you can resolve your schedules such that you an spend some quality time together. PhD's and money are transitory, and babies grow up. Time spent with loved ones can never be lost, nor the lost time recaptured.

Good luck in your decision.

Mabye I read it wrong. I thought her husband was away and would be away through the trip, so she wouldn't be spending time with him anyway?? I thought she was planning on taking this trip with the baby while he was still deployed.

 

[Happyjen27]

I am not a military wife, so I'm not drawing from experience. I actually have no idea how things usually work. But why can't you just go whereever you want when he's away at deployment?

While I understand he is still part of the family unit no matter where he is, the truth of the matter is that if the funding is there, and you have the time, why is he weighing in on this at all? He is making a huge sacrifice by leaving his family and serving his country. I genuinely appreciate what he is doing. At the same time, he has left you to your own devices, your own resources and left the care of his child with you. You need to be able to act independently and care for yourself and your child as you see fit. As the only active parent at the moment.

 

[OklahomaTourist]

Mabye I read it wrong. I thought her husband was away and would be away through the trip, so she wouldn't be spending time with him anyway?? I thought she was planning on taking this trip with the baby while he was still deployed.

Perhaps I misread. I will double check and amend accordingly if need be.

EDIT: You are correct. The cruise was in April, the graduation with the nephew was in June. My apologies. I am entirely in error.

I said I would amend my original reply, but the edit window has elapsed and the option is no longer available.

OP: Given my corrected reading of your situation, I see no reason not to take the trip.

 

[Skylarr29]

I would go 100%. In order to be a good mother and wife, you need to take care of yourself and your mental health. You deserve a break.

 

[chris31997]

There is a big part of me that wants to book this 4 day Bahamas Disney cruise as a gift to myself for finishing this particularly difficult semester that departs April 14...it's a four day'er. Not long but a break from reality would be very welcome after this semester. I'll be done with classes on April 11...last lecture and assignment due (I'm working on a PhD.) Qualifying exam is June 4,5,6...the same week I was supposed to go to Texas with the hubs for our nephews high school graduation. Jason also has to go to NCO Academy sometime soon after returning. Another 6 weeks away. We have the money. More than enough actually. The one good thing about deployments is that we can save a good chunk of money. Plus with our little tax deduction we're getting a good return this year. What do I do? I think if I go it might piss Jason off. But I need something to break me out of my rut right now and he cannot guarantee me a vacation again this year because of military obligations. I start working on my dissertation after my Qualifying Exam and I'm worried that if I don't get a little break now I'll be going non-stop for another 1 1/2 to 2 years without even a little vacation. Needless to say after what seems like an endless deployment, working full time, going to school full time and taking care of three dogs and a baby I'm a little burned out and no one seems to get that I would very much like to veg out for awhile. Lilly would go with me. She did great at Disneyland so a cruise seems like no worries for me. But like I said I'm so indecisive right now I need some advice.

Okay, Military Wife wife here

Life married to the military can be hard. Add to it that stress, school, baby, fur babies, and a job. Totally understandable that you want to get away.

May I suggest, you rethink your gift to yourself. DH is away right now(if I understand right). Comes home and goes off to school. From DH's point of view, it MIGHT look like you are looking for someone else . Or that you MIGHT be lured/tempted by someone because he has been gone. If you are home than that won't happen. Just how he copes.

I have been through waay too many deployments(10). We have had good reunions and rough ones. Respectful communication is key. Than trying to see and understand the other person's view point is also important. In 17yrs, we have seen couples grow from this and couples divorce over this.

Maybe you can spend the night in a local hotel, hire a babysitter and get a message.

You are going to a Graduation in June, plan something for then. The planning process will help you to relax a little bit. Maybe book a hotel instead of staying with realitives/friends.

In the next 2 yrs, you might be able to take a 3-night cruise. After DH is done with his deployment and insanity he might be more open. Ask him AFTER everything is done. Ask him to try a 3 night cruise for you and DISbaby.

 

[luvslikepi]

Thanks everyone.

Yes, he will be gone through the first week of May, most likely. We had booked a Fantasy cruise for May 4th because he had no orders to deploy at the time but of course they came up and we had to cancel.

I am just very disappointed because I do not get to go with him to Texas in June. He's taking the DISbaby and going without me because Qualifying Exams for my PhD were scheduled that same week. I even asked the school about taking them in the Fall but it's not allowed...you have to be "continually enrolled." So I'm worried that if I don't even get a little break between now and then that once I start dissertation work it will be a considerable no go for vacations.

I have lots to consider and discuss with him. Thank you all.

 

[set1208]

I'm a mom of four, ages 3-12. Although my DH is not military, he does work 6-7 days a week, and is gone on average 10-12 hours a day so I'm on my own with the kids quite a lot. I'm not working but I'm in school.

I just recently took a solo trip for a long weekend and it was the best. At first, my DH was bummed that I didn't want him to come but after a very nice conversation, he came to see that being a 24/7 mom is draining both physically and emotionally for me and that I needed to get away. I am never ever alone...ever! Lining up child care for my kids was like coordinating a visit with the President...lol. A lot of planning and scheduling but in the end, it was great. I spent four days away and didn't call home once.

Knowing that you have a long road ahead of you with the deployment, I hope that you can get away by yourself and catch the break that you deserve. Let us know what you end up doing!

 

[Happyjen27]

Of course, I know nothing about your dissertation, but generally isn't that a self paced research assignment? Couldn't you take a few days for vacation and then double up on your work before and afterward?

I hope your talk with DH goes well. I'm sure he understands you're under considerable pressure with work and school and DISbaby. Single parenting, even while married, is SO tough.

 

[Ariel on Land]

Do it. As a mom who's gone through a deployment, and who is about to go through another, you NEED a break. I wanted to go one a "pre-deployment" trip this past winter, but other conflicts arose and I couldn't. I am hoping I can go when he gets home, because I desperately need a break from the children after being a "single for now" mom. I don't know how single parents do it, except maybe that adult interaction that I assume most of them get while working has to help. But as a SAHM with 3 kids..... with little down time, the break is so needed. TAKE THE TRIP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[RoosMama]

I am totally in favor of a trip (I am also working on a PhD with a toddler in tow ) but I have to chime in. OP - you did mention that you find a cruise to be a relaxing vacation. Before you book, it might be worth thinking about whether it will be as relaxing as you expect with a 1-ish year old, possibly walking by that point if my math is right? Also, have you taken a trip without your DH but with DD before? Dealing with a 1 year old away from home without help can be a lot, even if it is Disney.

All that said, I am still in favor of the trip, I just wouldn't want you to be disappointed with how hectic it could be once you were on the cruise!

 

[samacita]

I would definitely prioritize the relationship over the trip, but that's just me. Also, he might be on board after some upfront and honest discussion about what this vacation could do for you (and him!). As an aside, I went to WDW 3 weeks before quals. It felt like a pretty stupid decision at the time, to be honest. But it forced me to plan my studying very carefully, for both before and after the trip. I was also studying a bit on vacation...not awesome, but necessary. Looking back, I think it was good to have that break before the quals-diss-internship long slog. You'll make the right decision! Good luck and enjoy!!

 

[luvslikepi]

Yes, I flew to Orange County California with her for a weekend DL trip. Grandma and Grandpa drove and met us there. It was definitely the hardest part of the trip...the flying. DISbaby did well though, no tears, slept most of the way...played with me the rest. My biggest concern is having a 4 hour flight and needing to change diapers half way through...airplanes are particularly conducive for diaper changes.

My mom has been struggling with severe bronchitis this winter because of our horrible air conditions. She said she would go with me if she was feeling better. Hubs hasn't called this week and I'm not going to have this discussion with him via email or texting. (I should note that he has two morale calls per week and he's only called twice in the last two months. Needless to say I'm a little mad about that and I have told him he needs to use those calls.) So right now I'm in a wait pattern.

Thankfully my quals are open-book and the prep class I'm taking for them is pretty straightforward in what we have to complete. I don't know that there is much I can do to study for the exams at this point. I either have the knowledge or will have to look it up in a book. Plus I will have another month and half after the April date to study if needed.

Still up in the air. I will keep updating if needed.

 

[Mrs Green]

I have no advice for you but just want to say that I have no idea how you juggle it all! I'm a working mom but dh is home, family supportive and no phd classes for me. My heart goes out to you! I hope you find the peace and balance you need and deserve!

 

[lovemygoofy]

Yes, I flew to Orange County California with her for a weekend DL trip. Grandma and Grandpa drove and met us there. It was definitely the hardest part of the trip...the flying. DISbaby did well though, no tears, slept most of the way...played with me the rest. My biggest concern is having a 4 hour flight and needing to change diapers half way through...airplanes are particularly conducive for diaper changes.

My mom has been struggling with severe bronchitis this winter because of our horrible air conditions. She said she would go with me if she was feeling better. Hubs hasn't called this week and I'm not going to have this discussion with him via email or texting. (I should note that he has two morale calls per week and he's only called twice in the last two months. Needless to say I'm a little mad about that and I have told him he needs to use those calls.) So right now I'm in a wait pattern.

Thankfully my quals are open-book and the prep class I'm taking for them is pretty straightforward in what we have to complete. I don't know that there is much I can do to study for the exams at this point. I either have the knowledge or will have to look it up in a book. Plus I will have another month and half after the April date to study if needed.

Still up in the air. I will keep updating if needed.

I'm an army wife and understand uncertainity and cancelling vacations and the alone and the stress of it all. You have some other stuff going on other than needing to get away.

I'm confused if your husband is going to be stateside when you want to go on the cruise? If he isn't I guess I don't see the harm in going away but I wouldn't go away if he was stateside. However, there really seems to be some communication issues. Email is a great form of communication. It's basically what kept my marriage going the last 11 years as my husband doesn't get to call home often either.

I draft an email and read and reread to make sure it's clear regarding issues or stress or whatever and send it to him. We have the 48hr rule to respond as we like to think and again rewrite before sending something that is unclear. This really helps open up the lines of communication because we can be open and honest and not rushed like on the phone and then the phone calls are just sweet without all the issues interupting.

You are stressed and tired and looking into the future isn't making you feel rosey. I'm guessing you are feeling the support that you want/need. I don't care where your husband is in the world, you should always have/feel that support. Please discuss even in email everything you are feeling. Don't wait for a phone call and let the stress/tension build even more until the phone calls are just dreaded. It isn't productive.

Good luck to you. I know this isn't an easy life at all to live and loving a military man isn't quite the romance people envision.