I have done research on introversion in the past, and don't feel that's me. While I do enjoy having quiet time to myself to read, watch tv, etc, it's not my preference. I like being around people, going out, having people over, that sort of thing. I love playing hostess and having parties. I'm always asking DB who we could invite to do this or that. I enjoy having people around, it's just the actually having conversations part that I struggle with.
I feel awkward around people if i'm talking. I love listening, and always speak back spoken to...it's just starting or carrying on a conversation. I honestly can't remember the last time I spent time with a friend alone, and feel like I don't know how to interact properly. I always hang out with a group with DB, and before that, a group with XH. (My mom thinks that because most of my life has been spent around boisterous, loud people, that I just gave up trying to be heard over the commotion and stopped trying to play a part. She talks all the time, dad talks all the time, whole family tries to drown each other out, and XH's family was even worse.)
I'm not currently employed, but am looking. I'm in school, but online. I enjoy photography and am trying to start my own business. Other interest and hobbies are pretty typical...music, movies, cooking/baking, crafting, writing, reading, travel, animals...etc etc.
This isn't something I want to change just for DB. I've wanted to change this since high school, and have been making very small strides over the last few years, just nothing significant. Learning that I could lose the love of my life over something I hate anyways was the final push for me to realize I HAVE to get over this.
I haven't always been this way. When I was young (12 and before) I was very talkative and outgoing. I was the one always putting on performances for everyone and that sort of thing. Something changed, and I just stopped talking and being myself around people outside of a select few (parents, brother, then XH and now DB). Don't know what caused it.
I feel appreciative that DB was willing to sit and talk to me about this. Like a PP said, it's better that he talked to me about something that was bothering him instead of just ending the relationship without even trying. He said he felt like a jerk even telling me it bothered him. He's not pressuring me or demanding a deadline. He knows I won't turn into a social butterfly overnight.
I was the one who asked early on "what you do". Thanks for answering.
I agree with those who think you probably have "social anxiety" (if this is the term used today). I think we used to know it as "shyness", and there can be varying degrees of it. Whichever you have, obviously it's severe if it's impacting your social life and your self-esteem, etc.
I was pretty shy growing up. Most in my family are fairly quiet, reserved people. My father recognized I needed to be "less shy", if you will (cause we all know basic personality traits don't really change), in order to be what he saw as successful in school and work, etc. He made me take Public Speaking in high school, and I don't know that it really helped me because I hated it so much! But the thing that did help was he gave me this book. Read it if you really want to get better at talking to people. It's a classic.
http://www.amazon.com/How-Win-Friends-Influence-People/dp/0671027034#_
I also notice from the bolded that much of "what you do" is solo. Online school, photography, reading, cooking, etc. - those are all things that keep you sort of isolated. When you're isolated, you don't get practice in interacting with people, you know? In order to get good at it, you have to actually do it, and become more comfortable with it, have success at it, etc. I would recommend taking a hard look at that in your life and seeing what you can change about it. Why not go to a regular college, instead of online, if you're not working or have other responsibilities (like kids) that would make it hard for you to attend class? What about getting a job, even part time, that would "get you out there"?
When I was a teen I had several different jobs working with the public, then I worked in nursing homes in various capacities. I found I really liked working with older people and hearing their stories. Later, I became a nurse, and you can't get much more intimate with people than that. (Hard to be shy when you routinely have to handle someone's private parts or wash them up, you know?) Maybe you could consider volunteering in a nursing or retirement home? It will get you talking to people with very little pressure, and you might get to enjoy it. (You'd be doing a great thing, also, and that might help your self esteem. Nothing like improving your own self-image by helping someone else.) Start slow, and work your way up. Just a thought.
A friend of my DS15 showed great wisdom recently when he was talking to my son about his mild shyness. He told my son, "I used to be just like that until I got a job and I had to deal with people. It helped me get over it and now I can talk to people". So true. And as my father used to say, "Out of the mouths of babes".
Good luck, and get yourself out there more.