Death of a spouse and dating? How soon is too soon?

[violetrose]

3 weeks for my father, too.
My parents 40th anniversary was in January. Mom was diagnosed with cancer in April, died in June, dad started dating in July(a woman he had not known prior to my mom dying) and was remarried in October.

I have not seen him since that July-coming up on 9 years.

That is so sad. Is it because your father remarried so soon that you no longer see him? That must have been so painful for you after having lost your mother. My parents are both still alive but I cannot imagine my father remarrying 4 months after my mother died. Yes I could understand him wanting companionship but 4 months would be very hard for me and my sisters to comprehend.

 

[Disneylover99]

My parents were married for almost 50 years when my mom passed away from cancer.

Within a couple of months my dad started dating and remarried about a year later.

All of his daughters (including me) were so happy for him!

Now we don't have to worry about him. He is never lonely and he is having the time of his life!

We loved our mother dearly, but life is for the living. It is never too early to move on if the right person comes along.

 

[Disneylover99]

My parents were married for almost 50 years when my mom passed away from cancer.

Within a couple of months my dad started dating and remarried about a year later.

All of his daughters (including me) were so happy for him!

Now we don't have to worry about him. He is never lonely and he is having the time of his life!

We loved our mother dearly, but life is for the living. It is never too early to move on if the right person comes along.

I just wanted to add that the whole family is still very close. We all see dad and his wife on a regular basis and her children are similar ages to myself and my sisters. We all get along very well!

 

[MIGrandma]

I don't think there is really a "right" answer because everyone is different.

My FIL remarried a year after my MIL passed away. She had been ill for several years with Lou Gehrig's disease, so her death wasn't sudden, it was expected. He has been married again for 12 years and is very happy.

My Dad passed away 5 years ago, he too had been ill, with Alzheimer's. Mom has had several "man friends" since his passing but none have been long term. Although, she started dating a man from her church two weeks ago and is already talking about them moving in together. I don't begrudge her spending time with him, dating, etc. But talking about moving in with him and letting her apartment go, that scares me! What if this relationship doesn't work out either? I wish she would get to know him a few months before making such a life-changing decision.

 

[Tuffcookie]

I am 60 this year and have been with my current BF (age 66) for 1 1/2 years. I met him 4 mos after his DW passed away. They had been married 41 years and she had been ill the last 15 years of their marriage.

I have to be honest, I was a little concerned because it had been so soon, he lost his wife, when we met. However, it became apparent to me that he was bound and determined to start dating again, and he was such a nice man, I decided to start seeing him.

He is the most wonderful thing that has happend to me! His late DW trained him well!

I am not looking to get married again and I don't think he is either. We both have our own homes. His kids have been very accepting of me, but, then again, I have tried to be understanding of their feelings. I know it has to be hard for them to see their dad with someone new so soon after losing their mother.

It is so nice to have someone to do things with. And to top it off, he is a dog lover too. He understands how much my std poodle, Gracie, means to me because he has a schnauzer, named Grady!

TC

 

[Tuffcookie]

It's hard not to judge people for dating soon after the loss of a spouse, but the examples I've seen in my life show that (most times), it's because they are so lost and devastated that they are desperate for companionship. It's not a dishonor (most times) to the departed spouse but speaks more to the love they had together. The surviving partner wants to 'recreate' it as soon as possible. Of course, they don't have the same relationship as they once enjoyed, but it's something else that comes from a mutual need. I have no doubt the DH would remarry if I was gone and I hope he does. The thought of him being alone the rest of his life makes me sad. And it wouldn't mean he didn't love me - it would mean that he needed help getting through life without me.

That is very insightful!

TC

 

[Arielle22]

My dad died when he was 50 and mom was 49. 5 of us kids were still in the home.

I wish mom had found someone to share her life with. She only lived 13 years before passing from cancer but it would have been great if she had someone to share her life with.

Dad had been ill for 5 years as his heart slowly gave out. We all grieved during his slow decline.

DH and I have been married 28 years. We agree that the surviving spouse should remarry whenever they like, regardless of what they family thinks.

We have breast marriage and don't think remarrying changes what our marriage was.

 

[JennaDeeDooDah]

I'm not going to judge anyone for when they start dating (well, except for that woman who brought a date to her husband's funeral - yikes) because I do not know a person's heart and what they are feeling. That said...

"One and done"

That describes me (& probably hubby too). I can't imagine training another husband at my age!

My grandfather died when he was maybe 50ish? (I wasn't born), and to this day, my grandma has never dated another man, and she is 90. Every time she talks about him, she is still so in love with that man. Always talks about how he was too good for her. He died suddenly after fighting a fire and having a heart attack.

This is me. I absolutely cannot imagine dating if my husband were to pass. First of all, I can't imagine ever finding a man who could compare to how wonderful my husband treats me. Too good for me is an excellent way to describe him. Once you've had that, I just can't see myself with anyone else ever. Also, dating seems to be impossible to do without some drama and that is not something I really want to bring my daughter around. She is still young and I feel like if my husband were to die, it would be my primary responsibility to be her parent and not be out looking for a new husband and dating - especially since I can't imagine finding anyone who would come even remotely close to being as amazing as my husband.


But not everyone has my frame of mind and my experiences. My grandfather was dating a few months after my grandmothers death as well. No one really minded the fact that he was dating, but we did hate the woman he was with. When my grandmother was sick, she said that she knew this woman was going to come after him. This woman would call my grandfather all the time and ask him if was going to be coming out with a group of friends because she wanted to see him... after my grandmother answered the phone! Luckily, they ended up breaking up and then he got together with a new woman. Of course, this woman was his high school sweet heart who had "Dear Johned" him during the war. My grandmother wasn't a fan of her's, either. We all liked her well enough, though.

 

[believenfaith]

I think some men NEED to be married or they are lost. This usually describes men who have been married for a long time. When the spouse dies, the single women come out of the woodwork-almost literally. For some, the initial approach is made at the funeral. I don't know how a man who is lonely combats this enslaught. My sister and I always said that instead of going to our mother's funeral, we would clean out the house of family heirlooms because our dad would be bringing home a woman from the funeral. He never cheated but he needed a wife, care giver, companion. He died first; she never even entertained the idea of dating and she was beautiful, intelligent...that's probably why. (sorry, just had to get that joke in there!)

This reminded me about my aunt who is now 83. She recently needed cardiac surgery. During Pre-OP the doctor offered her reassurance and jokingly said he would have her back on the dance floor with her partner in no time. Her response "I don't have a partner. I was blessed to have filet mignon all my life, why would I want someone's leftovers at this stage of my life"

 

[moorhunhe]

This is such a difficult thing.

My sister-in-law's father died, and about 3 weeks later, her mom already found someone else.
(weather we think it was already going on or not, who's to say? we will never really know)

I don't think there's a time period you can just put on it.

I do think, that, like the first poster mentioned within 6 weeks ... could be to soon.
But that's just the mind speaking.

On the other hand, what if there's such a connection between these 2 people, even though you can think yourself it's too soon, but you met this new person and you like him/her so much, there's a great connection, then I do believe it can happen.

I've been in situations where I thought: wauw, never thaught that would happen ... and it did.

So I think it just all depends on ther person and how it really goes with this new person they meet.
Love works in strange ways.

 

[JVL1018]

That is so sad. Is it because your father remarried so soon that you no longer see him? That must have been so painful for you after having lost your mother. My parents are both still alive but I cannot imagine my father remarrying 4 months after my mother died. Yes I could understand him wanting companionship but 4 months would be very hard for me and my sisters to comprehend.

I was angry, very angry..but the not seeing him for 9 years, no contact for..i guess 6 years now is not because he married so soon, but the way he went about it and dealt with the aftermath. And is his choice.he hasn't seen or spoken to my brothers either.
It's complicated. But I'm not sad about it-which is sad in itself, I guess. LOL

 

[Minnesota!]

my dad died in november 1999 after a very short battle with cancer. at that point he and my mom had been married a few weeks shy of 29 yrs...together 34 (he was 51 when he died, mom was 49).

my mom was dating dad's best friend just about 4 weeks later. That lasted 2 months and then I made the mistake of taking her to the bar on valentines day/ she met a guy there that night and they have been together since that day. So coming up 13 years this week. He is not my fave person - because of his background. but she is happy and is able to travel like she always wanted because of being with him.

 

[eliza61]

The other issue that I'm encountering that maybe a reason why people "hook" up quickly is that much of the social world is geared toward "couples". and the older you get the more you encounter that issue.

A friend of mine is a travel agent and she host a cruise in September. She's been encouraging me to come but no way, no how am I going to get stuck on a cruise as the proverbial "3rd wheel".

so many activities are based on the assumption that there are two, it seems to amplify the fact that you are no longer a duo.

 

[branv]

I've seen this about 3 times now. Two were older men who had been married many years, within months remarried. Another was a woman whose husband of 20 years (who was about 20 years older than her) passed after about 5 years of ill health. She was still in her 40's, and also was remarried within a year. The woman...too soon to tell. His brothers and sisters still include her in family gatherings, but his son (her step son since he was a kid), no longer speaks to her. He's hurting and angry.

But it ended up being a huge mistake for the two older gents. They simply rushed things too much to avoid being alone. The women turned out to be completely incompatible. They were looking to replace their wonderful wives, and ended up with nightmares. Before one of them cut the lady loose, he and she had alienated his entire family. Sadly, he also ended up losing everything financially. She even went after the house he and his wife had paid off years before. She didn't get it, but he had to sell it to pay off the debts acquired during his short marriage. Mind you, he was living only off social security to start with. So he went from just-making-ends-meet poor, to destitute.

I wonder about DH. I sometimes think he couldn't make it by himself -- so I could totally understand, as I want him to be happy. I would just want him to respect the grief of others around him (our children, my family), enough to at least not remarry in under a year if it distresses those people. Mainly, though, a decent length courtship would be mostly important to me to keep him from making a mistake. It takes time to know how compatible you are with another, and I want him to be with someone who will treat him as the treasure he is

On the flip side, after we lost our two pets, neither of us can even think about having another pet without getting emotional. If that's too hard for him to contemplate, I'm not sure he could even come close to a replacement wife!

 

[TLSnell1981]

I think some men NEED to be married or they are lost. This usually describes men who have been married for a long time.

I agree, especially if their marriage was happy.

I couldn't imagine falling in love again. It brings tears to my eyes to even think about it. My g-grandmother never dated or remarried..was a widow for 22 years. The minister asked her out and she was appalled! She said, "he's only been a widower for 5 years. What is he thinking?" My grandmother was widowed at 37 (and was a very beautiful woman). She didn't remarry for 14 years. Although, she "loved" my step grandfather, he never replaced my grandfather..her soulmate.

 

[momtojandj]

My husband was killed in October of 2012, I am only 43. Although I can't even entertain the thought of dating yet, I also can't imagine being alone the rest of my life.

 

[antmaril]

My husband was killed in October of 2012, I am only 43. Although I can't even entertain the thought of dating yet, I also can't imagine being alone the rest of my life.

I am so sorry.

 

[Kellydelly]

The once and done sentiment seems sad. I am married to a wonderful guy, we've been together 24 yrs. He is not replaceable by any means, but I would never shut myself off to finding love again if I lost him.

I think it is fine to get back on the horse whenever it is right timing for the one who had the loss. My husband's grandfather was confiding in us who he planned to pursue the same day of his 2nd wife's funeral . Seemed shocking, but he wasn't a man who liked to be alone . (he married 2nd wife within 6 months of losing his first) He pursued this woman for 5 yrs before he also died from cancer. I personally think he was barking up the wrong tree and wasting his time, even though they did travel a bit together and did share some companionship. He had so many widows chasing him after Grandma died that he could have had his pick of quite a few .

 

[TLSnell1981]

My husband was killed in October of 2012, I am only 43. Although I can't even entertain the thought of dating yet, I also can't imagine being alone the rest of my life.

 

[momto2girls]

I'm in the "one and done" camp. I'm 44 and definitely would not be willing to start over at this point of life. I know myself well enough to know that I would not be interested in that.

Honestly, I think that society had it right in the days when you were officially in mourning for a year or so and it was highly frowned upon to re-marry within that time. I don't think that a year is an unreasonable time to expect.