Adult daughter nasty to me this week-end

[4nana]

Wow, she was YOUNG when you were born!

My mom was almost 37 when I was born. She is 81.

Dawn

Yes, Mom was 17yo when I was born and I am the eldest of 4 siblings . Thankfully Mom and Dad were blessed to be married 56 yrs. . You and I are indeed very blessed to still have our dear Moms with us.

 

[momto2girls]

OP, I am glad you have made amends with your daughter; but I would HIGHLY suggest you get a hotel room the next time you visit. Your daughter sounds a mite controlling.

She wants you to stay with her--is in fact insisting on it but yet has an issue with some awfully silly things. If it was me, (and I realize it is not and of course you should do what is best for you) I would be very uncomfortable having to worry about how I hung my coat or put the vacuum away (especially since you are vacuuming her house).

I just think, you should really consider what will keep this from happening again and NOT staying with her may be the best thing for all of you.

Best of luck!!

I agree. OP, I would definitely get a hotel next time.

 

[thumpersfriend]

I think rather than getting a hotel, we will make a day trip when we visit. It is only 2 hours away and it will be tiring, but worth it I think. I think maybe trading off with my son might be a good alternative also. I just don't want to hurt her feelings either but maybe she only says she wants us there is because she feels she is obligated. I never want her to feel that way about her parents.

 

[jaminmd]

I think rather than getting a hotel, we will make a day trip when we visit. It is only 2 hours away and it will be tiring, but worth it I think. I think maybe trading off with my son might be a good alternative also. I just don't want to hurt her feelings either but maybe she only says she wants us there is because she feels she is obligated. I never want her to feel that way about her parents.

Please take this in the spirit is intended. My entire family treats my home like it is a hotel. I hate it. Actually, I rarely allow overnight guests anymore because of it.

I do not like overnight company, even from my very own mother. I love my mother but we each do better in our own separate spaces. My family never asks "Is it ok if I come and stay with you?" Instead they just assume it's fine & they can use me as a hotel.

i work full-time, I go to school part time and I have a husband and child to care for. I am exhausted when I come home and I do not want to have to pick up after or feel like I have to entertain anyone.

When I was first married 20 years ago, my family, DH's family & our friends were here ALL THE TIME! It was annoying but back then I didn't know how to say no.

The point is, while it's a nice visit to you, it may be a stressful event for your DD. Try not to take it personally.

 

[wilderness01]

I'm not trying to be insensitive but I really do not understand how something like this can change a mother - daughter relationship so drastically that it "will never be the same" and that the OP is considering never visiting again.

That sounds a little emotionally manipulative and guilt trippy to me but hey, it's just my opinion.

 

[thumpersfriend]

Hi Wilderness 1, that poster said a few things I never said. I never said I would not visit my daughter anymore and I only meant that our relationship might change because I would be worried I would say or do the wrong thing. This was my first post and I was upset. Threatening to not visit her WOULD be terribly manipulative and I would never do that. I agree.

 

[Buckalew11]

thumpersfriend,

Tonight I had dinner with my mom (75). As we were sitting there eating and chatting, she told me that my sister (55) called her today and my sister was hateful to her on the phone and she said, "Brenda, she spoke so nasty to me that I could have cried." I immediately thought of this thread.

My sister is a very nice person but has a short fuse and is under a lot of stress. Her divorce was final today (yay! it has been 4 long years!). She can be quite snippy but mom is usually a little tougher than this and her feeling so hurt really surprised me.

I think there is a lot of projection going on in this thread. Mother-daughter relationships can be very touchy for many people and as you can read here, lots of issues and resentments etc. Yesterday, as I was cutting my sister's hair she made a comment about our mom and said something about her getting on her nerves lately. I gently reminded her that it has always been that way--and it has!lol Sometimes 2 personalities just conflict more than others. Mom and I have always been very good at communicating--my oldest sister? Not so much. I don't know but I think birth order has a lot to do with it!

Anyway, it sounds like the 2 of you will work this out just fine--but I feel the need to ask--why are you putting the vacuum away? Are you helping her by vacuuming? Or does she feel you are vacuuming because her house is not clean enough? Honestly, I'd step away from the vacuum cleaner. I'd ask her if there is anything you could do to help her out around the house and if she says no, listen to her answer. If she says yes (and you did say she often has projects for you all to do), do those and no more.

Hanging coats up wrong is just a weird complaint...

But good luck, you seem so willingly to make it work out that I believe it will. And just remember that we all project our own experiences onto threads like this one.

 

[glammadiva]

OP, I'm so sorry this happened to you. You sound like a very good person. That said, we snap at our moms since we begin talking and they always make us crazy. A few thoughts. I think the house weighs on her, so when you come down and you start cooking it may seem to her that you are taking over. And why were you making coffee? Did you just decide to make it on your own or did she ask you? Your actions may appear to her that you are acting like its your house. You are in her home every six weeks and it just wore on her and she snapped. Shake it off and move.forward. When you do go to her home ask if you can cook a meal, ask if she wants you to make coffee so she doesn't feel like you are taking over her home. It's going to be OK. Everything will work out in time.

 

[JaneBanks]

Hi Wilderness 1, that poster said a few things I never said. I never said I would not visit my daughter anymore and I only meant that our relationship might change because I would be worried I would say or do the wrong thing. This was my first post and I was upset. Threatening to not visit her WOULD be terribly manipulative and I would never do that. I agree.

I'm sorry but IMO, you gave that impression.

We go down to visit about every 6 weeks to see our kids and granddaughter. My son has a very small house and my daughter has much more room. Actually we bought the house when she short saled her home so she had a decent place to go. I NEVER would mention this to her so that is not in the equation.

But I think maybe we should rethink going down, it is only 2 hours away and really not necessary, But not bragging, as far as moms go I am pretty darn good. My daughter has a sharp tongue at times but it just rolls off my back but this one really broke my heart for some reason. I feel like it will never be the same again.

I hope she does not think we think of her place as a B&B! Often when we go down it is because she asks us down because she has projects for her dad or myself, so it is an extra trip and we can see our granddaughter. This would be a bad thing if she thought ,that but you could be right. My husband does not want to go down now at all, he was very upset also but doesn't express it like I do.

 

[thumpersfriend]

Buckelew11,

Thank you for your post and I feel for your mom also. I had to answer you about the silly vacuum. My daughters home is spotless and I always tell her i wish I could keep mine like that. She has a black lab that sheds really bad and she complains about it so I just would vacuum, never because I did not think her house was dirty. But I never had to do anything because it was all done,only had to pick up after ourselveves.

 

[thumpersfriend]

Hi JaneBanks,

Guess I did misspoke. I meant that I was thinking of not going down and staying over night, and just make a day trip since it is only 2 hours away instead. As far as my husband goes he was just upset to see me upset. He loves her as much as I do.

 

[RadioNate]

Buckelew11,

Thank you for your post and I feel for your mom also. I had to answer you about the silly vacuum. My daughters home is spotless and I always tell her i wish I could keep mine like that. She has a black lab that sheds really bad and she complains about it so I just would vacuum, never because I did not think her house was dirty. But I never had to do anything because it was all done,only had to pick up after ourselveves.

Don't vacuum. Seriously. I know you mean well but really, just don't vacuum. My mom comes over & can't help herself from doing things. I know she wants to help but really it drives me nuts. Seems like it does to your daughter too.

I was going to agree w/Brenda. The coat thing is weird.

 

[sesame_123]

Be grateful. Be thankful. Be happy. Life changes dramatically sometimes and every moment spent with family is precious. Take it from me. I know. My father passed away after battling infection following a liver transplant at 62. My mother passed very quickly from a ruptured aneurism at 63. I'm 32 with no parents. Don't give up on your relationships and don't let petty arguments over coffee change anything!!

 

[teacherforhi]

Don't vacuum. Seriously. I know you mean well but really, just don't vacuum. My mom comes over & can't help herself from doing things. I know she wants to help but really it drives me nuts. Seems like it does to your daughter too.

I was going to agree w/Brenda. The coat thing is weird.

The coat thing isn't weird to me at all. Of course, I just had a discussion with my mother about it. I'm laid up after surgery and she took it upon herself to tell my sons to hang up their coats in their rooms instead of the coat tree by the door because she didn't like the way it looked. I'm sorry, there's nothing wrong with where our coats go and it really isn't her place to change how things are done in my house. And yes, little things like that add up, especially when she makes her sad face and claims "she was just trying to help" when I ask her to not do something. Of course, after she had to clean dog pee out of the carpet because she ignored me when I asked her not to vacuum until someone could take the dog outside (since she didn't want to), she's done a better job of listening.

 

[EllaM]

Wow, some of you guys are awfully harsh to the OP. Its interesting to see so many people automatically assuming that the OP must obviously be so in the wrong for her daughter to snap at her like she did. So judging on a few posts, she is overmothering, treating her daughters house like a bed and breakfast, and overstepping her bounds.

My mom once told me the reason some women fight so much is because: There can be only one queen in the kingdom. That's the way it is to some women. They are so caught up in their own insecurities they go all Wicked Stepmother and assume the only way to be the "fairest of them all" is to put down the upstarts. The result is they always make the person they are berating feel like they are in the wrong. It is extremely childish and very wrong. However, some women just haven't grown beyond their teen years.

thumpersfriend don't listen to the negativity here. Truth is your daughter screwed up. She knows it. Now it is up to her to make it right. You're giving her the chance. That's what mom's do: give their kids endless second chances. Just remember something else my mom taught me: healthy relationships are based on mutual respect and honesty. Remember your hurt feelings are just as important as your daughter's. I hope you can work it out.

And for all the posters griping about their moms in this thread, let me join the chorus of motherless people to tell you to grow up and get over yourself. Truth is it really doesn't matter how one makes coffee or where the coats are hung. That's a bunch of childish drama. Unless your mother was a callous hurtful person who made you wish you were raised by wolves instead, believe me when your mother is dead and buried you'll be willing to sell your soul for a chance to have another motherly lecture. Or better yet ask yourself how you'd feel if your daughter did or said that to you?

 

[Chernabog#1fan]

I have not read all of the posts, but am surprised at the number of people who seem to think that when their mom is over and cleans, it is a bad thing. My mom stays over every once in a while and I am always appreciative of the help she gives. We work full time, take care of the kids and emotional needs they have, and my husband and I are plain exhausted more times than not. She is not trying to do it to take over our house, but to free up some time for us.

This thread has me remembering the one about an email that went to band parents and how people thought the worst in the teacher. When can we as a society appreciate people wanting to help or asking for help?

 

[Granny square]

Lol, every time my mom or my mil tried to help, I swear they hide everything! I can't find stuff or a week. So I always make a cup or pour a glass of their favorite beverage and suggest they keep me company while I deal with be stuff.

Oh! And they both keep every leftover down to a couple of tablespoons of mashed potatoes. My fridge is stuffed full of little containers or baggies...

 

[Wishing on a star]

Yes, it really is all about attitude and intent.
Not just about helping.

With too many mothers/MILs, the attitude and intent is to over-involve themselves... do it 'my way', because my way is the right way... Show superiority, make the DD/DIL to be less than adequate, etc...

There is a fine line there, and, unfortunately, many mothers/MILs know just how to play it.

Either way, it is the daughters house... PERIOD.
It is the daughters house.

If the OP has stepped in and done anything.... vacuuming, making coffee, cooking, interrupting, etc.... before making absolutely certain that her daughter was comfortable and that she had some kind of permission. (even if just clearly implied) That is, without a doubt 'overstepping'.

I can remember when, years ago, I and my husband kept my sister's young children for a few days, mostly in their home... So, nope, not just a visit... but, myself being left in total charge.... Nope, I didn't re-arrange her kitchen, change her coffee, re-fold her underwear... She made it clear that even though the house could def. have used a lot of attention at that time, that she really didn't me to be messing with anything. Yes, I did the basics, as I felt I needed too... Washed dishes, vacuumed... And, even then, because her personal feelings, I think it was hard for her not to feel that I had overstepped... With some people they are not as comfortable, and it is easily to feel their space is kind of violated.

This would be her right...
This would be the OP's daughter's right.

It is not the OP's right to step in unless it is welcomed.

We all know about 'the best of intentions...'

 

[thumpersfriend]

Hu all,
I want to let you know that I am doing so much better. Time and insights from all of you have been so helpful, I can't believe you all took the time to help me.

My daughter and I are going to be fine and I look forward to many years of being her mom and friend.

I am amazed how relationships with your moms have made you who you are, whether good relationships or bad, I think it shows alot.
I hope for some of you. that you never have to hear what I heard from my daughter ,and if you do just remember some of the things you said to me.

For those of you who really showed understanding. I really appreciated it so much. This is for the daughters also who I am sure are wonderful mothers. And to the daughters who lost their moms and would give anything to just spend one more minute with them.

Thanks again to all of you.

 

[padams]