Adult daughter nasty to me this week-end

[thumpersfriend]

Handbag Lady, usually we are invited down. It is usually because of a birthday, holiday that we are down there and she has always asked and assumed we would stay with her. But I have to admit that since we moved 2 hours away, we still have our doctors and dentists down there. We try to make it a day trip but she will ask us to stay overnight. But we are thinking of changing our doctors now and that would be a little less intrusion. I am getting alot of good ideas to help my daughter and myself.

 

[shortbun]

Are you invited down or do you just tell her when you are coming?

And, how many days a month do you stay with her? Next time, stay with your son and make a date to see your daughter. Having your mother in your house as a 'guest' is stressful, no matter how 'close' you are.

 

[thumpersfriend]

Shortbun, we are down to her house about once every 6 weeks or so. It is usually because of the holidays, birthdays, but it is usually only 1 night. We don't go down just to visit. I honestly think it would hurt her feelings if we did not stay with her. But I could be wrong, something to ask her eventually.

 

[4nana]

thumpersfriend, as a mom to 3 lovely daughters (and a son), I send you big ((hugs)). Being very close to my DD's/DIL, I'll admit I would probably be very heart broken if one of them made such rude comments and made me feel un-welcome in their home. Like you, I try to be helpful when I visit over night, but it pays to remember we are the guest. Afterall, it's their house, their rules, we all have different ways of doing things and we'd be wise to respect that.

Your DD knows she hurt you, she is sorry, and has apologized. Life is too short to sweat the small stuff sweetie . Why not meet her half way, you may never forget, but you can forgive . It's not worth the bigger heartache if you both let this incident tarnish your relationship. We all make mistakes and have short comings - live, learn, and more forward - for this too shall pass. I'm betting she would love a call from you to break the ice.

 

[tigercat]

I feel for you OP. One of my dd has for some reason stepped away from the whole family. She is polite if by accident she talks to you on the phone but she doesn't have anything to do with us other than that. She has spread awful rumours about me to my extended family. One brother (who has brought her into his business) believes everything she says. Thank goodness the rest question what she says. I have been very hurt by her and what she has said about me. Some of the things she has said have been so far from the truth. Her dd has come to live with us (long after she was spreading the rumours) because she was 18. She was still in school, had no money and no where to go. My dd didn't care that she moved here just as long as she didn't have to have her in her home or pay for anything for her. My dd has another dd who is and always have been her favourite who is still in the house.
tigercat

 

[sasywtch]

Just out of curiosity for those who said they have rules/boundries when parents show up, what kind of rules/boundries?

 

[rigs32]

If the kids love her cooking, then the DD needs to GET OVER IT. If my kids love something, I gladly step out of the way and let the other person do it. Only someone with a inferiority complex won't let others do it. It works both ways.

But the people the OP is cooking for do NOT live in DD's home! She's using DD's kitchen to cook for the rest of the family meaning DD is being overshadowed and not allowed to cook and contribute as an adult.

My mom was in my city for business. We had lunch then she wanted to see my office. I could tell it was a strain to interact with my colleagues and my secretary and see me as an adult. She just can't see me as an adult and treat me as an independent person. I wonder if DD feels the same at times.

 

[Lionqueen2]

Continuing these hurt feeling just seems so silly. It seems as if your daughter loves you and had an 'upset' moment. Your daughter apologized and sent you flowers to let you know that she was sorry and you are still important in her life. Life is too short. Accept her apology, also apologize to her (maybe send her flowers, too) and move on.

However, it might be a good time to think about some of the things she mentioned and check to see if you do try to one-up her and interrupt.

 

[mhsjax]

But the people the OP is cooking for do NOT live in DD's home! She's using DD's kitchen to cook for the rest of the family meaning DD is being overshadowed and not allowed to cook and contribute as an adult.

My mom was in my city for business. We had lunch then she wanted to see my office. I could tell it was a strain to interact with my colleagues and my secretary and see me as an adult. She just can't see me as an adult and treat me as an independent person. I wonder if DD feels the same at times.

Could be, but sorry the DD lost me when she told the mom that is she didn't make the coffee her way, that she could stay elsewhere. AFter that all thoughts from the DD were lost on me. Too immature for me to take seriously.

 

[Granny square]

Op, hope today feels better. People say stupid things. We all do. try not to make it bigger than that.

 

[ccgirl]

If I were your mother I would tell you to start looking for daycare!

Really? She is the one that asked if she could watch my children as she needed the money. I pay her a good deal of money to do so. It is her only money in addition to a small social security. I treat her very well. In addition to paying her to watch the kids, I give her bonuses, pay for her cell phone and cable.

My mother is extremely opinionated and judgemental. It's either her way or wrong. Not saying this is the OP. It is just my situation.

 

[ccgirl]

It sounds like you are super grateful too. I would never talk to my Mother so rudely.

Again, she does not do it as a favor to me, I pay her very well. It is very hard to get an exact meaning across in type. I really don't understand how asking my mother not to interrupt when I am having a conversation with my DD10 is rude. Just because she is my mother it is not a license to be rude. I will not stand there and listen to people being rude to me regardless of who they are.

 

[Maggie Lizer]

OP, I am an adult daughter who was recently on the receiving end of a hissy fit from my mother. We are also in the same age range as you and your daughter. I took it stone-faced, cried to myself (and DH) later, then got over it and moved on. My mother didn't even apologize (unlike your daughter, who did). Sure it was upsetting, and totally out of character for my mom, but I don't think she knows how much it hurt, and at this point I really don't care. She is my mom, and if she was having a bad day for some reason and took it out on me, then so be it.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Could be, but sorry the DD lost me when she told the mom that is she didn't make the coffee her way, that she could stay elsewhere. AFter that all thoughts from the DD were lost on me. Too immature for me to take seriously.

Sorry, mhsjax, but I have to really disagree.

As mentioned, this grown, nearly 40 year old woman, was in her own home... The fact that the conversation went that far tells me that that the mother was probably overstepping.

I would never go into another woman's home, and actually step in to the point where she had to go to such lengths to protect personal space and boundaries. Never.

Only 'overstepping' mothers and MIL's seem to be big on doing that.

If it had been discussed, as in between to 'adults', and the mother asked, "Maybe we can try it this way..." and then the daughter agreed... then that would be perfect.
But, apparantly, that is not the way it went down.
The fact that the daughter had to make such a stand, in her own kitchen, says a LOT.

 

[thumpersfriend]

The whole coffee incident was that it was late and she had to work the next day and I wanted her to have coffee when she woke up. She didn't like it that I did not rinse the coffee decantor twice and did not use a measuing cup to pour the water in. I always use a decantor and never seen her use a measuring cup to pour water in. So when I was almost done making this stupid coffee is when she said if I couldn't do things her way I should stay w
ith my son from now on.

But today is another day and feeling much better now. And alot of it is because of this board. Things will be different I think and never quite the same ,but if it helps my daughter, I am totally okay with it.

 

[Duzzygirl]

I think you misread the OP --
...

I think you're right. lol Sorry about that.

 

[JaneBanks]

I'm not trying to be insensitive but I really do not understand how something like this can change a mother - daughter relationship so drastically that it "will never be the same" and that the OP is considering never visiting again.

That sounds a little emotionally manipulative and guilt trippy to me but hey, it's just my opinion.

 

[luvsJack]

Sorry, mhsjax, but I have to really disagree.

As mentioned, this grown, nearly 40 year old woman, was in her own home... The fact that the conversation went that far tells me that that the mother was probably overstepping.

I would never go into another woman's home, and actually step in to the point where she had to go to such lengths to protect personal space and boundaries. Never.

Only 'overstepping' mothers and MIL's seem to be big on doing that.

If it had been discussed, as in between to 'adults', and the mother asked, "Maybe we can try it this way..." and then the daughter agreed... then that would be perfect.
But, apparantly, that is not the way it went down.
The fact that the daughter had to make such a stand, in her own kitchen, says a LOT.

She was making coffee for cripes sakes, not redecorating her house! That was a ridiculous way to act over coffee. Everyone makes coffee different. The OP was trying to help her daughter and her daughter threw a fit.

My mom has a habit of assuming her way is the "right way" and no one should do it any different. There are times that its a big enough issue that I will speak up and do it my own way but never, ever, never over something as stupid as coffee! And even at some of the most important stuff, I would not tell her she could go stay somewhere else. I say something, she says something, we back away and its over.

I totally agree with mhsjax--the dd lost all of my empathy when I read that.


OP, talk to your daughter. Maybe she was just having some stress going on that you don't know about. Sometimes we really do tend to lash out at the people we love the most.

 

[Lionqueen2]

The whole coffee incident was that it was late and she had to work the next day and I wanted her to have coffee when she woke up. She didn't like it that I did not rinse the coffee decantor twice and did not use a measuing cup to pour the water in. I always use a decantor and never seen her use a measuring cup to pour water in. So when I was almost done making this stupid coffee is when she said if I couldn't do things her way I should stay w
ith my son from now on.

But today is another day and feeling much better now. And alot of it is because of this board. Things will be different I think and never quite the same ,but if it helps my daughter, I am totally okay with it.

It sounds as if your daughter may have been a little stressed and you just happened to be there so she released her frustration on you. Let it go. You obviously have a daughter that loves you enough to realize she made a mistake, apologized and sent flowers. Be grateful she did that and loves you that much. Just think about how many times we read on these boards about adult children that don't speak to their parents any more. Put the issue aside, give your DD a great big hug and tell her how much you love her.

 

[ccgirl]

It sounds as if your daughter may have been a little stressed and you just happened to be there so she released her frustration on you. Let it go. You obviously have a daughter that loves you enough to realize she made a mistake, apologized and sent flowers. Be grateful she did that and loves you that much. Just think about how many times we read on these boards about adult children that don't speak to their parents any more. Put the issue aside, give your DD a great big hug and tell her how much you love her.

This.