Would you make up with a close family member

[luvmy3]

My son is find doing what he's doing for now. We had cut him off financially unless he went back to school, learned a trade or made some serious plans that involved his future. And even then we'd only offer minimal support. I know it seems like the issue seems like it's about my son but it's not really. Imagine you did lots of things for a family member and went them and asked them to do you one favor. They responded by doing the exact opposite in order to benefit themselves.

So your ds decided to work for her, knowing you would cut him off. Did I miss something in one of your previous posts, did you say he didn't want to work for her or he did want to?

 

[Pakey]

I didn't speak to one of my brothers for 13 years over a situation involving my son (also an adult). This rift created a difficult situation for my other brother who avoided both of us rather than taking sides. And of course it affected my parents and all of our children.

I felt he was wrong. For 13 years I held onto that. Then he had a difficult situation come up in his life and my elderly mom, once again begged for me to make the first step since it was obvious my brother would not.

And I did. I reached out, told him I was sorry he was going through a rough patch. It meant the world to him. We will never be best buds and I still think he was wrong (and he has in a roundabout way commented that he was wrong) but I feel better. Let's forget that it's easier for my parents and my children; I feel better. The load of angst I felt was gone the second I reached out to him.

So yes, I would move on. For yourself.

 

[bethy]

If the person's history, or current actions with others, indicated that they would continue to be truly hurtful over and over then, o I would not put myself in that position again. If it was a one time thing, then yes I would move past it (unless it was truly, truly bad--like abusing my child).

This is my view as well. Which is why I currently choose not to have a relationship with my brother. Fool me once, shame on you . . . fool me dozens of times then shame on me but eventually I will finally learn and set up some personal boundaries.

 

[Tiggeroo]

So your ds decided to work for her, knowing you would cut him off. Did I miss something in one of your previous posts, did you say he didn't want to work for her or he did want to?

I cut my son off before he moved out there. He could live with us for a small rent. He could borrow my car. But he would pay his other bills and there was a time limit to how long he could live with us unless he was doing something. We offered to help him open his own restaurant (he didn't want to go into food), help pay for school, or pay for a trade school. But we were trying to squeeze him financially into growing up a bit. He had lived on his own for two years but ended up very broke. He was ambivalent about working for her. He didn't want to at all at first but she kept promising him more things. The restaurant cost a lot more then she thought and he's not getting much now.

 

[Tiggeroo]

I didn't speak to one of my brothers for 13 years over a situation involving my son (also an adult). This rift created a difficult situation for my other brother who avoided both of us rather than taking sides. And of course it affected my parents and all of our children.

I felt he was wrong. For 13 years I held onto that. Then he had a difficult situation come up in his life and my elderly mom, once again begged for me to make the first step since it was obvious my brother would not.

And I did. I reached out, told him I was sorry he was going through a rough patch. It meant the world to him. We will never be best buds and I still think he was wrong (and he has in a roundabout way commented that he was wrong) but I feel better. Let's forget that it's easier for my parents and my children; I feel better. The load of angst I felt was gone the second I reached out to him.

So yes, I would move on. For yourself.

This is what i"m afraid of. It's part of the reason I"m considering calling.
Speaking to her again is not the same thing as ever feeling the old closeness and trust.

 

[okeydokey]

Me, yes. But I'm of the male gender. Wife, probably not.

I don't understand this answer. Are you saying the men are more forgiving than woman in general, or just that you are more forgiving than your wife?

 

[bethy]

This is what i"m afraid of. It's part of the reason I"m considering calling.
Speaking to her again is not the same thing as ever feeling the old closeness and trust.

This is a good way to look at it. There are many types of relationships you can have with your sister. It doesn't have to be all or nothing. For example I don't really have an ongoing relationship with my brother that I nurture and invest in. But I am more than happy for the sake of family harmony to see him at family events and make small talk, etc. No biggie and no sweat for me.

 

[Christine]

I would have a very hard time with this. Yes, your son is 21 years old. Some 21 year olds are mature and have good forethought. Others are immature, have to learn the hard way, and fall prey to glitz and glamour and what sounds like "easy street."

Your sister took advantage of him plain and simple. She encouraged him to step away from a job where he was actually learning to be a chef, dragged over to her restaurant (something she wouldn't let her own kids do), and made it impossible for him to seek other career paths by overscheduling him. You conveyed to your sister that (and I'm paraphrasing here) that YOU were the one shoveling out the tough love here by making your son try to support himself so he could see the light that he needed to either complete college or go into a skilled trade program. She definitely undermined that. If your son was 30, I'd say it wasn't your business. But your son is 21 (and probably younger when it first started happening) and a bit wayward and immature.

As your sister, I think she owed it to you to step back and stay out of it. At the very least, she should have been up front with your son about what his duties were going to be and how much he'd be working.

I'm not opposed to a reconciliation with your sister; however, reconciliations need two people to admit their faults. The bigger burden is on her. She owes you an apology for "bribing" your son. A simple, straight up offer to your son was the ONLY thing she should have done. She wined and dined and courted him over to her.

As for you, I'm not actually sure you've done ANYTHING wrong so I don't even know how I would broach that reconciliation.

 

[Ciao Mickey]

Depending on what the person did, yes, I would. I have a few family members now that I pretend to get along with for the sake of my grandma. When she's gone (hopefully a long, long time from now), I'm done with them. I just decided that I love her more than I despise them.

This.

 

[aaarcher86]

I'd move on from this.

I do think there are some things you can't move past, or even times when moving on means cutting people out of your life and wishing them the best. I wouldn't include this as one of those times.

You're son made the decision to do it. Your son made the decision to stay. Maybe he loves it? Maybe he doesn't care about the money? He's not 40. He's still got plenty of time to go back to school and figure it all out.

 

[moon]

I don't understand this answer. Are you saying the men are more forgiving than woman in general, or just that you are more forgiving than your wife?

I think he means in general: "I'm of the male gender". Supposedly, men let everything slide... but in reality I know men who can hold a grudge with the best of them (that incudes one of my cousins)

 

[WDSearcher]

during this time this sis fought dirty, told some lies and just made the whole thing worst. But we were always close and I can't imagine waiting til some awful time to work this out. If she would call it would be easier but she won't.

The first thing you need to do is realize that your sister is not who you thought she was, and she will never be who you want her to be.

You have two choices: you can either accept her as she is and go forward being civil and polite, mending the rift and making peace for the family. Or ... you can decide that you can't forgive her until she apologizes, which she never will, and go forward without her in your life and causing stress for the rest of the family.

Personally ... I read what she did and thought to myself, "Really? That's all?" I don't mean to belittle the hurt you feel or the fact that she was manipulative, but I think you need to go back and re-read your explanation. She didn't actually do anything to YOU. She didn't do what you asked her to and ignored your request, but you didn't get hurt. You're still in the same situation you were in before all of this, right? Probably a bit better off financially since you've cut your son off and aren't paying for his school or anything.

Your son is the one who got dumped on here. His aunt coerced him into a job he wasn't sure about but took anyway, and his parents cut him off so that he didn't have an obvious other choice. If you want him to walk away from the situation with your sister, then give him an incentive or help him with a plan. If he doesn't want that, then that's not really your sister's fault. Sounds like you may be blaming your sister for your son's choices, while not providing him a better option.

I'd talk to him and find out where he's at -- he may be feeling better about it all than you think. But either way, I'd move past it and move forward. You don't have to agree with everything she's done to be civil and make peace.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

my son can do whatever he wants. If he did this with a stranger I'd be ok. But it was my sister and she was kind of like that guy on Pinnochio telling the kids they don't have to work or go to school, just play all day. There is a ton of family history here, I guess. If she called I would not hang up on her. I'd try to work it out. I just can't bring myself to call her.

How has this affected your relationship with your son? Do you talk with your son now?

Secondly, I think your mom AND brother expects too much right away.

Tell mom that you are hopeful that one day you will work things out & you will think about it. In other words stall for the time being and then see what happens.

I mean I would not TELL your mother and brother to call sister to tell her that she should call YOU but by saying those things to family it might prompt them to intervene, just saying.

You need a mediator to field this landmine. Look before you leap is my recommendation. You could always just send her card to see if it prompts anything. Ask her to call YOU. And there you go....easy enough which will get parents and sibs off your back.

 

[okeydokey]

I think he means in general: "I'm of the male gender". Supposedly, men let everything slide... but in reality I know men who can hold a grudge with the best of them (that incudes one of my cousins)

My father was one of them too.

 

[eliza61]

My answer is very broad as every situation is different.

I'm the type of person that does not believe in holding onto old hurt and resentment. Primarily because I firmly believe that when I do it causes me more hurt and stress than the person is worth. So as a general rule I try to "let go". that is not to say things return to normal.
Generally my relationship with the parties involved has now changed.

My brothers drug and alcohol addiction ripped my family apart. even though he is now clean and sober and has been for a while, he understands that for me there is no going back to that "pre-addiction" closeness. We both mourn the loss of that relationship but we're pretty cool with the new one.

 

[eliza61]

my son can do whatever he wants. If he did this with a stranger I'd be ok. But it was my sister and she was kind of like that guy on Pinnochio telling the kids they don't have to work or go to school, just play all day. There is a ton of family history here, I guess. If she called I would not hang up on her. I'd try to work it out. I just can't bring myself to call her.

I actually think this is not so bad.

First, unfortunately this maybe an excellent life lesson for your son. ultimately he's got to be the one who makes a change. I would definitely keep the lines of communication open with him, keep offering him alternatives etc etc. but in the end as everyone else has said it's got to be his move.

some times a crappy job is what it takes to motivate people. I know that's what did it for me. A few Christmas seasons working retail in NYC (macy's 34th street) was enough to convince me that working with John q public was not for me. took my studies a heck of a lot more serious after that.

now as for your sister. I would make up but once again, chalk it up to "now I know". recognize that you may not get back that closeness and trusting her is not going to happen for a while. But you can be civil, call occasionally and get togethr at family functions. that's is totally doable

 

[Tiggeroo]

Overall the experience has been good for my son. Not economically but in terms of confidence. He completely opened that restaurant, creating the menu, establishing relationships with vendors he chose hiring staff... And he runs the place. That's why he works so much. But there is no money to pay him a fair hourly wage. It's a new place and sister went broke opening it. He is not making anything close to a beginning chef's wage. But he still doesn't want to go into restaurant work permanently. This is just a way to stall making decisions.
I didn't cut him off because he went out there. And he had everything he needed. I just was trying to make it a bit less appealing to flounder. I wanted him to get tired of not having nice stuff. My sister may not be paying him a bunch but she bought him a nice used car, takes him to show and gets him into clubs and busy him fancy clothes through connections she has. She has many connections and can get him things that I couldn't. Unfortunately, these things are tempting to my son right now. She is not doing it for her kids unless it's to reward them going to school. This is one of the reasons I asked her not to lure him out there. I told her if he didn't want to cook I wanted it to be hard for him to continue to make foolish decisions.

 

[crz4mm2]

Yes. and I did.
Have a sister who pretty much left our family for years (she found our "father) who had not been in our lives EVER. Moved him across country into her home and forgot the rest of us. Our Mother that RAISED us- all by herself, our step dad who was the only dad we ever knew, and our younger sister and brother.

I am trying to forget it, but it's hard. She hurt our mother soooo badly.

 

[Disney Doll]

There's nothing that says that you can't have a civil relationship with your sister that ease some of the discomfort for the rest of the family without having to be her best buddy.

I understand that you wish she had supported you in your desires for your son, but she didn't.

She has shown you who she is. If you choose to open up to a civil...let's say superficial...relationship with her, keep in mind who she is so you don't get sucked in again.

 

[bellarella]

Overall the experience has been good for my son. Not economically but in terms of confidence. He completely opened that restaurant, creating the menu, establishing relationships with vendors he chose hiring staff... And he runs the place. That's why he works so much. But there is no money to pay him a fair hourly wage. It's a new place and sister went broke opening it. He is not making anything close to a beginning chef's wage. But he still doesn't want to go into restaurant work permanently. This is just a way to stall making decisions.
I didn't cut him off because he went out there. And he had everything he needed. I just was trying to make it a bit less appealing to flounder. I wanted him to get tired of not having nice stuff. My sister may not be paying him a bunch but she bought him a nice used car, takes him to show and gets him into clubs and busy him fancy clothes through connections she has. She has many connections and can get him things that I couldn't. Unfortunately, these things are tempting to my son right now. She is not doing it for her kids unless it's to reward them going to school. This is one of the reasons I asked her not to lure him out there. I told her if he didn't want to cook I wanted it to be hard for him to continue to make foolish decisions.

Wait, so your DS is working at a start up business, gaining amazing business experience, and your sister is providing housing and other perks to make up for the fact that there isn't money for wages right now nd you are mad at her?

Your son's actions speak volumes. It sounds like he tells you that this isn't what he wants to do long term because he knows this isn't what *you* want for him long term. If he decides that he doesn't want to do this in the future, he can take his skills nd experience, get a degree and then stand head and shoulders above those that have a piece of paper but no experience.

I'm just not seeing your son as the issue here. I also don't see what your sister is doing wrong, other than enabling your adult son to have a different future than the one you would choose for him. But he gets to make those choices, not you and I think it is unfair to him for you to try to limit those choices by getting family members to take them off the table.