3 weeks out and I don't want to go now.

[violetmonarch]

Thank you all so much for your advice and also for caring enough to even offer any.
I really appreciate the encouragement. True, that this has been a difficult relationship...we were not close at all for about 23 years. I had to try to forgive her for things she allowed to happen for my own sake, not for her.
Unfortunately, she has still not understood the gravity of what was done, and that she has to change her behaviour if she wants to really have a relationship with me and my kids now and in the future.
I have been letting it go so that I don't have the problem of letting it get me upset, but this event really was the last time that I could turn a blind eye.
Perhaps I need to take another break from her again...all the stress just makes my medical conditions worse.
I have decided that I am going to go on this trip and be the bigger person (yet again) and allow her to join us. The only time I really expect to encounter her is in the room to sleep, at MDR (maybe) and on the excursion, if she goes.
I have told her this, and she is still mad at me...but that is nothing new.
Hopefully, some time apart will make her realize that she is throwing away her flesh and blood by holding tight to her pride. Pride can't help you when you are sick, can't cook for you, can't make conversation, or comfort you.
I hope that I have good things to report in the future...and please PM me if you'd like to see any pics on my FB page, post-cruise.
Thank you all again for being part advisers and part counselors, lol.

 

[bahacca]

Just revisiting the thread to see how you were doing. I hope you and your kids have a magnificent time and your mom gets her head out of her butt. If she chooses to still be a pain, I wish you strength to have the power to "brush it off" and still manage to have a wonderful time with your kids.

 

[TLSnell1981]

Hopefully, some time apart will make her realize that she is throwing away her flesh and blood by holding tight to her pride. Pride can't help you when you are sick, can't cook for you, can't make conversation, or comfort you.
I hope that I have good things to report in the future...and please PM me if you'd like to see any pics on my FB page, post-cruise.
Thank you all again for being part advisers and part counselors, lol.

Don't expect her to ever change. I'm sure, she honestly doesn't realize, she has a problem. But, you can set boundaries. It won't be easy and the relationship will probably never be what you wish...

 

[MND]

I am sorry that the OP is not enjoying her cruise planning, but it sounds like she brought this on herself.

1. Why did you invite your mother if you don't get along with her and wouldn't enjoy traveling with her?

2. From what I can see, many of your complaints that are causing you so much stress are minor. For example, you complain that your mother doesn't want to use the internet. So what? What does that have to do with your enjoyment of the cruise. Also, she is expecting you to arrange all the planning. Well, you did book the cruise, and invited her to go. To me that seems like a resonable expectation, and something you should be doing anyway.

3. It sounds like the OP feels that she is better than her mother and is embarassed by her. She wouldn't be the first person who feels this way and this in itself doesn't necessarily make her a bad person. However, to threaten her mother that shw will now not let her go seems like a rotten thing to do.

4. I almost forgot. I got a kick out of your mother not wanting to participate in buying FE stuff. That demonstrates to me that she has more sense than you give her credit for.

I hope everything works out for your FAMILY. I would love to travel with my mother, but she died 16 years ago. Enjoy your cruise.

Mike

 

[tinkerbellandeeyor]

I am sorry that the OP is not enjoying her cruise planning, but it sounds like she brought this on herself.

1. Why did you invite your mother if you don't get along with her and wouldn't enjoy traveling with her?

2. From what I can see, many of your complaints that are causing you so much stress are minor. For example, you complain that your mother doesn't want to use the internet. So what? What does that have to do with your enjoyment of the cruise. Also, she is expecting you to arrange all the planning. Well, you did book the cruise, and invited her to go. To me that seems like a resonable expectation, and something you should be doing anyway.

3. It sounds like the OP feels that she is better than her mother and is embarassed by her. She wouldn't be the first person who feels this way and this in itself doesn't necessarily make her a bad person. However, to threaten her mother that shw will now not let her go seems like a rotten thing to do.

4. I almost forgot. I got a kick out of your mother not wanting to participate in buying FE stuff. That demonstrates to me that she has more sense than you give her credit for.

I hope everything works out for your FAMILY. I would love to travel with my mother, but she died 16 years ago. Enjoy your cruise.

Mike

She invited her self from my understanding

 

[PrincessShmoo]

I am sorry that the OP is not enjoying her cruise planning, but it sounds like she brought this on herself.

1. Why did you invite your mother if you don't get along with her and wouldn't enjoy traveling with her?

2. From what I can see, many of your complaints that are causing you so much stress are minor. For example, you complain that your mother doesn't want to use the internet. So what? What does that have to do with your enjoyment of the cruise. Also, she is expecting you to arrange all the planning. Well, you did book the cruise, and invited her to go. To me that seems like a resonable expectation, and something you should be doing anyway.

3. It sounds like the OP feels that she is better than her mother and is embarassed by her. She wouldn't be the first person who feels this way and this in itself doesn't necessarily make her a bad person. However, to threaten her mother that shw will now not let her go seems like a rotten thing to do.

4. I almost forgot. I got a kick out of your mother not wanting to participate in buying FE stuff. That demonstrates to me that she has more sense than you give her credit for.

I hope everything works out for your FAMILY. I would love to travel with my mother, but she died 16 years ago. Enjoy your cruise.

Mike

1. Her mother invited herself along on the cruise after finding out she was going.

2. Again, OP planned a cruise for herself and kids, Mom invited herself along and then started dictating what excursions and things they could do. Causing the OP to cancel several excursions that Mom felt she didn't want to do.

3. It's mom who's threating not to go, causing the OP to worry about the savings she was getting having mom along. And mom is saying "You'll have pay me back half the cost of the trip because you're making me not want to go now."

4. So participating in the FE is dumb? We've done the FE exchange on 3 of our cruises, and enjoyed everyone of them.

It's seems to me that you really don't have any understanding of what's going on here.

 

[kcashner]

I just re-read your first post. Does your mother use ASL to communicate? Or is she an "old age" hard of hearing who doesn't wear her hearing aids?

Reason for asking--DCL has several cruises that they pre-arrange to have a pair of ASL interpreters on board, and will attempt to book a team of interpreters for any other cruise upon request. This is true if even ONE guest needs the services. The interpreters will spend as much or as little time with the family as desired (meals, activities, etc or just interpret the stage shows--your choice...or mom's, really). They are fun to watch (we always tried to get seats across the aisle from the reserved section in the theater when we knew they were on board. My daughter was studying ASL in school, and Angela (one of the interpreters) very graciously talked to her about interpreting for Disney and showed her some of the special DCL signs.

If your mother needs special services from DCL, by all means request them now. ANything that makes your life easier is a plus, right?

And if you want to book a cruise while on board, you can prepare a card/letter in advance to drop in the future cruise box. Just specify dates, cabin, people, etc. The future cruise desk will contact you with a "quote" and all you need to do is leave a phone message to have it booked. You don't even need the 10 minutes to meet with the agent! And it honestly doesn't matter what they book--anything can be changed once you're back home.

 

["Cinder" Ella's Mom]

I am sorry that the OP is not enjoying her cruise planning, but it sounds like she brought this on herself.

1. Why did you invite your mother if you don't get along with her and wouldn't enjoy traveling with her?

2. From what I can see, many of your complaints that are causing you so much stress are minor. For example, you complain that your mother doesn't want to use the internet. So what? What does that have to do with your enjoyment of the cruise. Also, she is expecting you to arrange all the planning. Well, you did book the cruise, and invited her to go. To me that seems like a resonable expectation, and something you should be doing anyway.

3. It sounds like the OP feels that she is better than her mother and is embarassed by her. She wouldn't be the first person who feels this way and this in itself doesn't necessarily make her a bad person. However, to threaten her mother that shw will now not let her go seems like a rotten thing to do.

4. I almost forgot. I got a kick out of your mother not wanting to participate in buying FE stuff. That demonstrates to me that she has more sense than you give her credit for.

I hope everything works out for your FAMILY. I would love to travel with my mother, but she died 16 years ago. Enjoy your cruise.

Mike

The OP's mom invited herself. OP did agree to allow her to come. Then her mom demanded the bed, and the problems escalated from there. Reading the whole thread would help. OP's mom wants to get gifts from the FE, just not make/pay for any that go out. This definitely sounds like the mom is trying to assert her "power" over OP as her mother, forgetting that OP is now a grown adult. Unfortunately, not all of us have ideal relationships with our moms. I can't tell you how many times I have taken my mom on trips in the hopes of having that ideal relationship, but it is never going to happen. Years of therapy about this relationship has taught me to set my boundaries and stick to them. Be clear about them with your mom and you both will benefit in the long run.

 

[MND]

[QUOTE="Cinder" Ella's Mom;47102512]The OP's mom invited herself. OP did agree to allow her to come. Then her mom demanded the bed, and the problems escalated from there. Reading the whole thread would help. OP's mom wants to get gifts from the FE, just not make/pay for any that go out. This definitely sounds like the mom is trying to assert her "power" over OP as her mother, forgetting that OP is now a grown adult. Unfortunately, not all of us have ideal relationships with our moms. I can't tell you how many times I have taken my mom on trips in the hopes of having that ideal relationship, but it is never going to happen. Years of therapy about this relationship has taught me to set my boundaries and stick to them. Be clear about them with your mom and you both will benefit in the long run.[/QUOTE]

No need to be nasty with me. Sure the mom forced her way on the boat; I'm not buying that. The OP is a grown adult, she could and perhaps should have explained that mom wasn't invited on the cruise. The OP clearly made the reservation for her, as the OP complained that her mom was not computer savy and didn't want to participate in the planning. If the OP didn't want her mom on the cruise, she shouldn't have invited her to go.

 

[ksucats]

If the OP didn't want her mom on the cruise, she shouldn't have invited her to go.

Inviting her and not having the courage to tell her no are not the same thing.

 

[akeogh]

I'm so sorry about this stress. Your mom sounds difficult, but maybe, if she is a first time cruiser, she is nervous and not used to not being "in control" and knowing what to expect. My mom has to be in control at all times, too.

If it were me, at this point, I wouldn't make any changes to the trip, the room, or anything. I would print out the Navigators, which people have provided on this forum, and mail/give them to your mom with a nice note saying something along the lines of "I love you so much. I'm sorry for the stress about the cruise. It's new for both of us, and maybe because it's new, it's caused us to act a bit nervously. This will be a special time for our three generations, and it wouldn't be the same without each and every one of us there, enjoying each other's company. I've been thinking about things like who gets the bed, the activities, and so forth. Why not alternate the nights with the big bed? You can have the first night & tell me what you think. The cabin steward changes the sheets daily, and that way we both get a chance to experience both types of beds in the room. And let's make a plan to have all of us meet every day for breakfast, bingo (or insert another activity of interest), the stage show, and dinners. That will be fun to regroup and see what each of us has experience on our day. There might also be additional things we would like to do together as a group. Look what I found online...It is a Navigator. You can circle or highlight the activities that interest you, and we can organize ourselves so that we make sure you can experience your top three choices. I bet you and I will like many of the same things, and we can meet up and do them together if we plan our day together. I will also circle my favorite activities to make sure I get a chance to experience all that the ship offers, and maybe sometimes we will split up to explore on our own. But it will be so nice to know that we will always see each other lots during the day and evening. I'm wondering if you had any other ideas to make this cruise as great as it can be? Thank you for coming with us. I'm so excited about the trip, now that it's getting closer. I love you & can't wait for our big family trip. xxx"

That's the note I would write, anyway. Your mom won't be around forever. Let the way she gets under your skin try not to bother you so much, and definitely don't share these stress stories with your kids. They don't need to know about the strain of it all. Just keep a smile on -- and maybe you can even laugh about it later with your girlfriends. Once I read on a blog that a difficult MIL got sucked into the toilet with the flush. So maybe you will have some funny stories like that happen to you, too! Hee hee. I bet at the end of it, there will be some great stories & you will look back later in life and be glad you had this short time to share. I wish you all the best. xx

 

[MND]

Inviting her and not having the courage to tell her no are not the same thing.

I think we are splitting hairs. If OP didn't want mom to go, she should have told her. Here's a thought: how about saying the room she booked for her and the kids didn't have room for another person. Problem solved!

Mike

 

[ksucats]

I think we are splitting hairs. If OP didn't want mom to go, she should have told her. Here's a thought: how about saying the room she booked for her and the kids didn't have room for another person. Problem solved!

Mike

Obviously too late for that now. I am sure if the OP could do it over again, they would lie to Mom

 

[jdb in AZ]

I'm so sorry about this stress. Your mom sounds difficult, but maybe, if she is a first time cruiser, she is nervous and not used to not being "in control" and knowing what to expect. My mom has to be in control at all times, too.

If it were me, at this point, I wouldn't make any changes to the trip, the room, or anything. I would print out the Navigators, which people have provided on this forum, and mail/give them to your mom with a nice note saying something along the lines of "I love you so much. I'm sorry for the stress about the cruise. It's new for both of us, and maybe because it's new, it's caused us to act a bit nervously. This will be a special time for our three generations, and it wouldn't be the same without each and every one of us there, enjoying each other's company. I've been thinking about things like who gets the bed, the activities, and so forth. Why now alternate the nights with the big bed? you can have the first night. The cabin steward changes the sheets daily, and that way we both get a chance to experience both types of beds in the room. Thank you for coming with us. I love you."

That's the note I would write, anyway. Your mom won't be around forever. Let the way she gets under your skin try not to bother you so much, and definitely don't share these stress stories with your kids. They don't need to know about the strain of it all. Just keep a smile on -- and maybe you can even laugh about it later with your girlfriends. Once I read on a blog that a difficult MIL got sucked into the toilet with the flush. So maybe you will have some funny stories like that happen to you, too! Hee hee. I bet at the end of it, there will be some great stories & you will look back later in life and be glad you had this short time to share. I wish you all the best. xx

On the classic ships the bed can be split into two twin size beds.

Some adults have better relationships with their moms than others. Some personalities just mesh better than others. Mom has to want to change as much as the dtr. After 40+ years of banging my head against a brick wall in my relationship with my mom, I've realized she won't change because she doesn't think she needs to. She feels our relationship is my problem, she's totally blameless. It's better for me to just stop banging my head against the wall -- it feels so good when I stop.

 

[sayhello]

I think we are splitting hairs. If OP didn't want mom to go, she should have told her. Here's a thought: how about saying the room she booked for her and the kids didn't have room for another person. Problem solved!

Mike

Please, guys! Stop feeding the troll...

Inviting her and not having the courage to tell her no are not the same thing.

Sayhello

 

[kcashner]

They have a 4 person room for 4 people. The only question is whether or not to split the bed. I would.

 

[OrcaPotter]

Every family relationship is different. One cannot simplify family relationships, because while for one person it's easy to just "say no" and that's that, for another it's not nearly so simple. It is extremely easy for things to snowball and complicated drama issues to arise concerning family. The last-minute cruise I have booked originally started as a friends-only cruise. Then my parents wanted to go. That was perfectly fine, as I'm extremely close with them and my friends are totally cool with them, too. But then my grandfather wanted to come, which caused (and is causing) some anxiety due to his limitations--but we love him and want him to have the experience with us. It really blew up when we decided to tell my brother and his family, and an entire dramatic can of worms was opened up--not unlike what happened to the OP. Fortunately, my brother's wife insisted they couldn't go, so that crisis was averted.

It's very easy to simply say, well, it's really all your fault for inviting your mother along. But every relationship is different, so it's quite unfair to criticize her when we really don't understand the family dynamics. I can very easily understand how this situation can happen, because it nearly happened to me. My brother tends to take over family events and stuff to tailor them to his/his wife's needs/wants. We frequently succumb to them because otherwise, my parents would never see their grandchildren. So, I feel like I dodged a bullet.

OP, I hope things have been improving since people have been giving you supportive feedback. Here's hoping your cruise ultimately goes off without drama, and the pre-cruise nightmare resolves itself.

 

["Cinder" Ella's Mom]

No need to be nasty with me. Sure the mom forced her way on the boat; I'm not buying that. The OP is a grown adult, she could and perhaps should have explained that mom wasn't invited on the cruise. The OP clearly made the reservation for her, as the OP complained that her mom was not computer savy and didn't want to participate in the planning. If the OP didn't want her mom on the cruise, she shouldn't have invited her to go.

I have re-read my post and can't for the life of me see what you would construe as my being nasty to you. Now I am confused!

 

[pdwimmer]

No need to be nasty with me. Sure the mom forced her way on the boat; I'm not buying that. The OP is a grown adult, she could and perhaps should have explained that mom wasn't invited on the cruise. The OP clearly made the reservation for her, as the OP complained that her mom was not computer savy and didn't want to participate in the planning. If the OP didn't want her mom on the cruise, she shouldn't have invited her to go.

I'm laughing reading this. Not at you, trust me. It's just men and women approach things differently. Mom's, no matter what age, if they are the martyr, verbally abusive, put their nose in all your business, and basically told you it doesn't matter how old your old I am going to treat you like your are still four years old type of person, the daughter seldom is able to push back. I don't know what it is about us. I think it is because when we as the daughter push back, the mom starts the guilt trip, and we NEVER hear the last of it. I actually pushed back recently on something not so important as this and now my mom won't speak to me or my sister. So much easier said than done

 

[MND]

Please, guys! Stop feeding the troll...



Sayhello

Nice. You don't agree with my comments, so you call me a troll.