Hypothetical texting scenario between 2 married people

[Buckalew11]

Can't edit on phone. I believed the explanations....which were lies.

If I were the spouse of either party I would not be ok w/this exchange.

However, being single I'm SHOCKED w/some of the things my married friends say to me. People I think are happy.

I don't get it.,

I'm not even single and I am amazed at the things married men say and have said to me! Even a deacon from my church and then a husband of a client too! Geez...the 2nd guy was also a client but I told him to go somewhere else and get his haircut. Both of these men seem like their in happy marriages. I am very friendly with both of their wives.

I think too many people look for "evil" in too many things...

I have multiple married friends of both genders.

My best friend is a guy who is married. I have called him love the whole time I have known him. We go on "dates" all the time... often with his young child. So yes, our texts would look like that as well.

I have another male friend who is in a committed relationship who calls me "love". Again, he always has.

So, I can say with quite a bit of experience that the terms "love" and "date" can have different meanings.

But I'm supposing you know his wife? I mean, who'd let their kid go on a date with a strange woman and their husband? In fact, if my husband called his girl friend "love" and said he was going on a "date" with her, I might push our child on them to "go on the date."

Maybe I missed it, I just read through this fast. Is X a man or woman? When I first read it, I pictured a man.

The OP said "X" was a person of her same sex. So, no, not a man.


I do what someone stated on page one. I would not speak my husband about it just yet. I'd lay low and snoop a bit first. Because either way, you will receive the same type of answer--"nothings going on"--whether that's the truth or a lie. If it is a lie, it is straight from the "Cheater's Handbook 101".
I just went through an affair with my sister and her dh--all the lies and deceit that go with it. Along with the snooping. I'm a dang good snooper, let me tell ya!

 

[Becky2005]

The bottom line. This thread would never have been started if it didn't bother O's spouse. Since it does. She should ask O for an explanation and O should put an end to whatever this is.

Best wishes to O's spouse...

That is true but it also says to discuss and it is a Hypothetical texting scenario -- so for all we know it never really happened anyway and it could be this is posted from any of the point of views. We don't know where the OP and/or her friend fall into the category of being the spouse or X or Y. It didn't say her friend was female that she was discussing it with (did it? I'll re-read) -- so it could be a female friend & male friend discussing how this type of text would play out.

It reminds me of the assignment where they tell you all the evils of water without telling you the paper is talking about water and people thinking the chemical should be banned, etc... and then in the end -- it tells you the paper is all about water.

 

[Bluestars]

I guess it depends on the particular couple, but if I read that exchange on my husband's phone, I would be suspicious. He doesn't like to go out to eat, so taking someone else on a "date" would be a huge red flag. Another person calling him love in a private text message would be another red flag.

My husband doesn't go places alone with other females. He doesn't text them either. Same with me. That's just how it is with us, so a text exchange like this one would be highly suspicious to me.

I might not question him about it though. I might let it play out and get more information.

 

[SLCborn]

Absolutely suspicious. But I've been down this road & I believed the "explanations."

Go with your gut. You'll know (even if you don't want to believe it) if it is something inappropriate.

Take it as a warning sign.

I so agree with this. Having had a now ex husband do this sort of thing to me and me trying to explain them away I should have faced the "music" sooner and done something about it.

I knew for a long time just chose to ignore it until the day it was shoved in my face and he walked away. I found texts like that on his phone (heck he'd even tell me/show me) and I still chose to explain it away because it was easier!

 

[Becky2005]

I guess it depends on the particular couple, but if I read that exchange on my husband's phone, I would be suspicious. He doesn't like to go out to eat, so taking someone else on a "date" would be a huge red flag. Another person calling him love in a private text message would be another red flag.

My husband doesn't go places alone with other females. He doesn't text them either. Same with me. That's just how it is with us, so a text exchange like this one would be highly suspicious to me.

I might not question him about it though. I might let it play out and get more information.

And this is what we are missing! The OP said to go just on what was posted, which I did. Yes, it would be so out of character for my DH that my red flag would go way up. Just the fact that there would be texting would be enough for me to go something isn't right.

Flip it over and my DD has so many guy friends and is involved in theatre (which I know doesn't mean anything but once you hang out with that group....the dynamics are different than DH's world) -- that if I saw that conversation I wouldn't think twice about it. It would fit her personality and a lot of the people she hangs out with.

Hence -- I wouldn't automatically assume an affair is going on solely by that exchange alone.

 

[Buckalew11]

I disagree!

If we are going by what we know...

we know X is calling a married man, Love.
we know X has been trying to track O down
we know X is expecting a "date".

We know the wife found the text and is uncomfortable but doesn't want to jump to conclusions. Hence the reason for the thread. It shouldn't matter if it is innocent or not. If O's wife is uncomfortable, it is not okay.

X is crossing the line and O needs to handle it correctly!!! I'm not saying O is having an affair. I'm saying X needs to be put in her place by O because it is very disrespectful to O's wife.

I often text clients and friends of the opposite sex. I am always very careful in what I say in those texts because I would not want the spouse to ever, ever get the wrong idea from ANYTHING I said. Whether I know her or not-- I find it disrespectful of both my spouse and his spouse.

If O's spouse is uncomfortable, its up to O to deal with it. X has never met O's spouse and has no idea if this would bother the spouse or not.

If I'm remembering right, we don't know the gender of any of these people. Why assume the woman is at fault? Maybe there is no woman involved at all.

We do know the sexes. X is female and O is a male.

I blame them both. And yes, it is up to "O" to speak up and deal with it. And "X" should be classy enough and respectful enough to also refrain from addressing the other person as "love", "sweetie", or "hun."

It amazes me that people get their panties in a wad about kids and people calling them "sir" and "ma'am" but are them OK with calling others (of either sex) honey, sweetie, love, or darlin'. Ewww. *shivers*

 

[sunshinehighway]

I often text clients and friends of the opposite sex. I am always very careful in what I say in those texts because I would not want the spouse to ever, ever get the wrong idea from ANYTHING I said. Whether I know her or not-- I find it disrespectful of both my spouse and his spouse.



We do know the sexes. X is female and O is a male.

I blame them both. And yes, it is up to "O" to speak up and deal with it. And "X" should be classy enough and respectful enough to also refrain from addressing the other person as "love", "sweetie", or "hun."

It amazes me that people get their panties in a wad about kids and people calling them "sir" and "ma'am" but are them OK with calling others (of either sex) honey, sweetie, love, or darlin'. Ewww. *shivers*

I guess I missed where gender was mentioned by the OP. I saw O's spouse and X (person of the same gender as you).

 

[Bluestars]

And this is what we are missing! The OP said to go just on what was posted, which I did. Yes, it would be so out of character for my DH that my red flag would go way up. Just the fact that there would be texting would be enough for me to go something isn't right.

Flip it over and my DD has so many guy friends and is involved in theatre (which I know doesn't mean anything but once you hang out with that group....the dynamics are different than DH's world) -- that if I saw that conversation I wouldn't think twice about it. It would fit her personality and a lot of the people she hangs out with.

Hence -- I wouldn't automatically assume an affair is going on solely by that exchange alone.

I think a lot depends on the normal things the couple has done in the relationship. If it's typical for each of them to go out on lunch or dinner dates alone with people of the opposite sex, then it would mean less than it would mean to a couple who never does that. Same for the texting.

My husband rarely sends text messages. He also hates going out to eat. So based on our history, the text exchange would be suspicious.

The word date is strange for a married person to use when talking about going out to a casual lunch with another married person. Also, I think calling a married person of the opposite sex Love is odd. One of my coworkers uses words like honey, sweetie, etc when talking to males or females. It's like nails on a chalkboard to me and I think it's very unprofessional.

 

[Becky2005]

I guess I missed where gender was mentioned by the OP. I saw O's spouse and X (person of the same gender as you).

I didn't see it either -- that is what I re-read and then it also never said if the friend they were discussing it with was male or female.

Just that the OP & a friend were discussing it.

So, it is pretty vague and the responses could be all over the place & all of them are coming from personal experiences vs. the whole story.

 

[ronandannette]

100% agree. I can't believe people would be more angry at the other person. They owe you nothing, even if they're a friend.

I'd probably try to go into PI mode and snoop, lots and lots. I'd let it go for a while, to see if it goes anywhere, or is innocent. But I think I'd not be able to hold it in, and at some point, explode and demand a good explanation. But I would try to hold off.

And I know that's not the mature, adult thing to do, but I'm being totally honest here.

Why would you handle it that way? In a (relatively) good spousal relationship why not just calmly ask the DH what's going on? I don't understand what's gained by dramatically stoking the fires of your own suspicion, and if I were the (presumably) innocent DH I'd find it bizarre that you chose not to being it up prior to "exploding".

 

[Bluestars]

Why would you handle it that way? In a (relatively) good spousal relationship why not just calmly ask the DH what's going on? I don't understand what's gained by dramatically stoking the fires of your own suspicion, and if I were the (presumably) innocent DH I'd find it bizarre that you chose not to being it up prior to "exploding".

I've seen it happen several times where a spouse confronted her husband and he lied about it. Just because a person thinks their relationship is great and that if they ever asked their husband if he was having an affair he would tell the truth, doesn't mean the husband will be honest about it. That's just the way it is with some people who cheat. They often lie.

 

[Robbi]

Spouse had better have a good reason for the date comment. I would worry about it being intentional - wanting to be caught. While I would be upset with the other person, spouse would bear the brunt of my anger and it would not be pretty if there was not a believable explanation.

 

[ronandannette]

I've seen it happen several times where a spouse confronted her husband and he lied about it. Just because a person thinks their relationship is great and that if they ever asked their husband if he was having an affair he would tell the truth, doesn't mean the husband will be honest about it. That's just the way it is with some people who cheat. They often lie.

Sure, but should that be the automatic "go to" position between a couple (assuming there's no history)? Sounds more like planning a battle strategy than navigating the the daily ups and downs of a normal marriage.

 

[VeganCupcake]

OP here - after reading responses It was probably smarter to give more details( sorry )
O met X at the gym.
O would be uncomfortable if spouse was to give their number to person of O's gender at the gym.

 

[ronandannette]

OP here - after reading responses It was probably smarter to give more details( sorry )
O met X at the gym.
O would be uncomfortable if spouse was to give their number to person of O's gender at the gym.

Just ask him already...

 

[Bluestars]

Sure, but should that be the automatic "go to" position between a couple (assuming there's no history)? Sounds more like planning a battle strategy than navigating the the daily ups and downs of a normal marriage.

True. No, I don't think freaking out about something will help either. I wouldn't necessarily jump to conclusions, but I would try to find out a bit more information myself. i don't know. Maybe I would just ask my husband what was up. Then again, if he was cheating, he would just lie about it. That's a tough one. I'm glad I'm not in that position.

 

[FayeW]

LOL! I went the total opposite way of everyone here.

Mostly because I know too many weird people I guess. The fact that it is owe you a date makes me think it was something along the lines of an innocent did something & said they would take them to lunch or something to make up for it.

I have no idea though without knowing the context of how each of them know each other. I have learned theatre people are an unusual group and am around them a bit because of DD -- so I could SO see that conversation happening in that group without any hint of anything bad.

I also work with several people that I could so see that conversation happening and again -- nothing more than innocent part.

And frankly, I read "love" with a British accent, although I'm sure it would be spelled Luv. I read it equivelent to Sweetie, Hun.

It really is one of those conversations that you need to know the people involved but by the conversation alone with nothing else with it. I could see it being innocent and I could see it being not so innocent.

Totally agree with you. I would think that it was a work colleague that they had a "date" to have lunch or something. I've had those kinds of conversations and I'm sure my husband has too. Totally innocent.

 

[Disney Doll]

With the additional information you provided OP, I'd be concerned about that exchange and if I was O's spouse, O & I would be having some conversations about it.

 

[happygirl]

OP here - after reading responses It was probably smarter to give more details( sorry )
O met X at the gym.
O would be uncomfortable if spouse was to give their number to person of O's gender at the gym.

How do you know they meet at the gym? If you found this out on the text? Was there more info you aren't posting

 

[Handbag Lady]

LOL! I went the total opposite way of everyone here.

Mostly because I know too many weird people I guess. The fact that it is owe you a date makes me think it was something along the lines of an innocent did something & said they would take them to lunch or something to make up for it.

I have no idea though without knowing the context of how each of them know each other. I have learned theatre people are an unusual group and am around them a bit because of DD -- so I could SO see that conversation happening in that group without any hint of anything bad.

I also work with several people that I could so see that conversation happening and again -- nothing more than innocent part.

And frankly, I read "love" with a British accent, although I'm sure it would be spelled Luv. I read it equivelent to Sweetie, Hun.

It really is one of those conversations that you need to know the people involved but by the conversation alone with nothing else with it. I could see it being innocent and I could see it being not so innocent.

I'm more in this camp. I even call a few of my clients "love" or "darling." I've known them for over 15 years and after you work with people in stress for 12 hours a day, you become like family. Plus my one client, calls me "dear" and "honey." His husband doesn't mind a bit. My own husband thinks it is weird, but in a theatre way.

I would question the date thing, though. I've gone to dinner with my colleagues, but never on a date.