3 weeks out and I don't want to go now.

[TLSnell1981]

Yeah that's hard to stand up to my mom....she is kind of a bully in the sense that she uses all she can to get her way. I try to think, look for the good in people, give a second chance (as I have been given many). I am running out of cheeks to keep turning.
You are right, of course.

You are allowing your mother to bully you by consistently "turning the other cheek". Honestly, you need to have a "come to Jesus" with Mom BEFORE the cruise. I would present her with a list of your plans. If, she would like to participate...fine. Otherwise, she can fill the time slot, however she pleases.

I think, things will come to a head, sooner or later. Personally, I'd prefer the confrontation BEFORE the cruise and on my on terms.

Good luck!

 

[violetmonarch]

Oh, I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. Family can be extremely difficult (trust me, I know...we have family issues with my DH's side). Just be sure to make it clear this is your vacation with your kids and she is just coming along for the ride. She can join you in anything she chooses to, but if she would rather not then it is up to her to find something to keep her busy (and trust me, there is plenty on the DCL ships and in ports to keep her busy!).

Rebook your dolphin encounter for you and the kids...if she decides she wants to watch, then add her on when she makes that decision.

Go and have a wonderful time making memories with your two children!

Hello there, and thanks. Yes, I am keeping the stingrays, but not the dolphins...will save that $$ for a future trip WITHOUT mother dearest. Already I have told her I am re-booking on board, and her reply is well tell me how much my portion is, and I keep saying back to her...I am booking the kids and I only. It's not sinking in, lol!

 

[kcashner]

Hello there, and thanks. Yes, I am keeping the stingrays, but not the dolphins...will save that $$ for a future trip WITHOUT mother dearest. Already I have told her I am re-booking on board, and her reply is well tell me how much my portion is, and I keep saying back to her...I am booking the kids and I only. It's not sinking in, lol!

Good for you! Now STICK TO IT! Another thought. We enjoyed Discovery Cove in Orlando more than any dolphin thing on any island. You might be able to combine a day there with a future cruise or WDW trip.

Mother dearest is a big girl. If she wants to book a cruise for herself, she can do so...and it doesn't have to be the same one that you book.

 

[MouseMomx2]

Your mother acts this way because she knows you will give in. You have two choices...allow her to ruin your trip or don't allow it. You will never change her behavior, but you can change yours. Do what you want to do, go on the excursions that will make you happy, and don't cater to your mother's whining. Hopefully once she sees that you won't give in to her she will change her behavior. Even if she doesn't, you will have the trip you want to have.

Personally, I would have a one-on-one chat with her. Speak kindly but firmly (pretend you are speaking to a child who needs some guidance) and explain the situation. Tell her that you will be doing the things that you want to do and she is welcome to join you at whatever level in which she is able to participate. Tell her that if she would rather not join you that is fine and give her a list of things that she could do instead. Leave NO room for negotiation. None. Explain that you will definitely have family time every day, but that you are not willing to let her decide every bit of the trip.

Again, she may not change her behavior, but you can't control that. Think of it this way...you can either stand up to her, have the trip you want and possibly have to deal with her annoyance or you can give in to her, let it ruin your trip and possibly have to deal with her annoyance.

 

[violetmonarch]

You are allowing your mother to bully you by consistently "turning the other cheek". Honestly, you need to have a "come to Jesus" with Mom BEFORE the cruise. I would present her with a list of your plans. If, she would like to participate...fine. Otherwise, she can fill the time slot, however she pleases.

I think, things will come to a head, sooner or later. Personally, I'd prefer the confrontation BEFORE the cruise and on my on terms.

Good luck!

Thank you. An hour ago, I told her that I was considering bowing out of the cruise, to which she said that if I don't go she won't either. I told her that if that was the case then she needs to understand that I am doing all the work because she is too scared to bother learning how to use the internet or doing any research and work of her own to get on a cruise EVER, and that she needs to cut me some slack. Then she says, well just cancel me and you and the kids go. But that would mean that she is out of 75% of her $$ and I would lose the KSF. I told her that, while I am not mad at her, she has no reason to get mad with me when I have been planning my whole year around this for me and the kids....she needs to just back off a bit, but that we can work it out somehow. Now she is adamant that she will not go at all...and my TA says I'm outta luck for all the savings. (sigh) Lord help me.

I am so sorry to hear that the vacation you have worked hard to plan now has this cloud cast over it. It sounds like the issues you are having are clearly a very long time in the making. I think anyone can understand that patterns that develop over years are nothing to brush off. That being said, it may be helpful for you to (take a deep breath!) try to distance yourself a little from the emotional side of the situation. Remember she only has the power to make you feel bad if you let her. You can't control her words or motivations, you can only control your response. Maybe listing some potential problems would help you to be prepared with an arsenal of responses. (e.g: We are going to do this... I'd love it if you would join us., or "I'll be in an appointment until noon- want to meet for lunch at cabanas?, or I'll be BLANK doing BLANK, you should check out the cooking class going on at the same time). It may not hurt to recruit some back up. Try the meets board for your cruise to make a few connections with folks. Don't let her hold you back from meeting new people and having fun with your girls. Also, may help to have some thought out responses ready- "I" statements: "I am not able to change our excursion this late, but they have a great viewing area there" or " I am really looking forward to my spa appointment. It's not my intention to exclude you. There is a rainforest there you might enjoy"... Period.
I really hope you have a truly magical vacation despite the wrench in your plans. A deep breath and a cocktail go a long way (so do earplugs! Lol!)

Thank you. Earplugs, prayers, and alcohol is RIGHT! I am going to use your quotes for sure, because as much as she seems to dislike all I do, she tends to not ever go far away from me...like what I do is so interesting, lol.

haven't read the whole thread so not sure what all you have for advice but here's my cent and a half.......
put your big girl panties on and tell her what your plans are. if she decides she wants to or can come than that would be lovely but there is to be no whining or complaining about anything.
its your vacation, if she ruins it then you have allowed that to happen. stand your ground. your only obligation is to you and your children to have fun. your not your mothers keeper.
this is just imo. its what I would do but I can have a strong personality when it is needed. you can have fun with me, I will share, however you can not ruin my hard earned vacation, it doesn't come around all that often.
good luck what ever you decide.

Thank you, and yes you are right....I have big panties, just filling them is harder to do.

Definitely rebook the dolphins and if she doesn't want to go to just observe, she doesn't have to. I was an observer when my daughter did it and I was thrilled to just take pictures and watch. But if she complains, leave her on ship.

If your cruise goes to CC, sign up for snorkeling or the stingrays - lots of fun. Again, she can watch or sit. It is such an easy beach day. You are steps from the food and bathrooms. You can walk around or just sit. I could spend an entire week just on CC.

Just keep moving and you'll be fine. If your kids want to go to the club and you're 'stuck' with your mother, find a class for her or just go to the 4th floor and sit outside on the deck chairs. Pretend you're on the titanic! That is my favorite deck and I had a wonderful afternoon just reading out there.

Nancy

Thank you. I intend on spending a lot of time moving around because I love to just walk and walk.

Put on the big girl pants and make the best of it.
My mother died over the summer just after we returned from out cruise. I would love it if she were still here and my biggest issue with her was handling a vacation together.
Choose your battles and draw your lines in the sand wisely.

I am sorry for your loss. I do love my mother, but she makes it hard to be around her.

I totally agree with giving her the navigator and having her choose what she wants to do. If it is the same as you guys, great. If different, great.
As for the excursion-that for me would be a no way in heck would i cancel. For most of us, that is a once in a lifetime splurge and for her to ruin that for you is downright awful. I would call her and say "After further thought and discussion with the kids, we've decided to do the dolphin swim. We would love to have you there as an observer so you can share the experience in the capacity that is appropriate due to your condition. So, if you want to observe, let me know. If you'd prefer to do another excursion alone, let me know and I can book it for you or you can find something to do on the ship like go to the spa or the like."
If she gives you guff about "Well you cancelled it once because I don't want to observe!" then say, "I realize this, but it has been weighing on my heart and the kids were really disappointed. This is a family trip that you requested to come along with. You can come with or go your own way. I'm just telling you our plan for Nassau."

Thank you. I should have thought of that from the beginning, I guess I still keep giving benefit of doubt all the time.

It sounds like she will not be happy no matter what you do. You booked her on the cruise in her own cabin, then she got to join yours and had you cancel a very special experience for you and your kids. And it sounds like she STILL isn't happy.

It started with 1 unhappy person and 3 happy people, now it is 4 unhappy people. If it were me, and it very much isn't, I would call my Mom and have a talk about something you are planning, and when she complains (and it sounds like she will) tell her she has a choice in the matter. She can come, or she can stay home, but what she cannot do is get in the way of anything else. If she ends up mad who cares? You have already bent over backwards three times. She is mad anyway, and then you can go have a good time and have a deep breath. Or maybe she will be reasonable, who knows.

I've heard begging forgiveness is better than asking permission... generally I don't agree but in this case 100% behind it.

Thank you. You have a great point, true.

first off...hugs!

I know this won't be the first time you've heard this...you have to grow up too. I say that gently. You DO have to stand up to her and not let her bully you, it's not good for you and not a good example to your children. I'm sure you already know this.

The other posters have given you great ideas to enjoy your cruise with your children. If you keep the one room, you definitely need to request that those beds are split into two so you each have one. That is a must.

Please enjoy your cruise.

Regrets are a terrible thing. I wanted to take my mom with us to a beach when my daughter was very young. My DH wouldn't hear of it. Within a couple of years, though, she was in no shape to travel at all, and now sadly, she's been gone almost 4 years already. How I still wish I had insisted on that beach vacation with my DH, Mom and DD!

Sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing. You are right...I do love my mother and that was the whole point of allowing her to come, was so that she can make some god memories with us all together.

Get mom her own copy if the navigator each night. Bring her a highlighter in her favorite color and you and the kids can mark yours and plan for the next day and she can make her own plan. Point out things you think she might enjoy and when they fall during a time you aren't booked, consider joining her. I like kcashner's post it suggestion too.

Thank you, will do!

 

[trwprid]

I feel ya. I really do. There's a reason I'm estranged from much of my family. I'm way too laidback but finally ran out of cheeks to turn.

I agree with the previous sentiments that this is about making memories with your kids. Hubs and I have this conversation all the time: what would we rather do? Buy a new car/computer/blah blah this year, or take the kids somewhere really neat? 80% of the time, we go for the trip.

Here's what I suggest you tell your mother: "Mom, I don't want to have any regrets. When we get home, I don't want to be sad about what I could have done and didn't. Tell me what you want to do, and we'll see if we can do it together."

From there, it's her choice to be miserable. Don't let her guilt you into feeling miserable, too. I know that's easier said than done, but it's totally doable as long as you compartmentalize things a bit. Just keep telling yourself, "It's not personal. That's her problem, not mine."

Be as accommodating as you can. Be gracious. Be communicative, but just keep reinforcing to her that this isn't just a vacation, but an experience. You're doing it so you and your kids can experience things and have memories.

Toss the guilt back at her and ask "Do you want them to miss out on that?" See what happens.

 

[TLSnell1981]

Now she is adamant that she will not go at all...and my TA says I'm outta luck for all the savings. (sigh) Lord help me.

You could give her a couple of days to calm down.....or pay the extra and enjoy YOUR vacation! The Lord may have helped you already and saved your sanity!

 

[klass3]

I am so sorry for all you're going through. My question, I guess, is what does your mother expect from this cruise? What does SHE plan to do? What interests her? If her intent is to spend time with you she should be thrilled to tag along as an observer on your excursions or participate, if able to do so. I'm not able to do strenuous activities, but I love being an observer and taking pictures.

At this point I would go over your expectations re: the cruise and get her reaction. Lay the groundwork now. If she's displeased with the agenda, she may opt out.

Or she might just make some friends if she plays Bingo or gets acquainted with table mates during dinner.

Best of luck to you.

 

[wallawallakids]

I am so sorry. Mom's can be hard to deal with. (An understatement, perhaps). That being said, I don't think you should cancel. I do think you should call your TA like you said in your previous post and try to get two separate rooms. That is really your best solution at this point. Just do it and deal with her later. If she complains, she complains. Also, try to book the excursions you want. If she makes a big deal out of it, so what. Just do what YOU want to do on YOUR vacation. My mom used to control everything I did and I was miserable. We always fought, I hated her intervening with my life and my children. I finally realized that I was letting her do that to me. It was hard, but I did what I thought was right and I ignored her protests. It took a long time, but now we are good. Are we perfect, no. But she doesn't interfere anymore. She gives her opinion still, but she does so more politely now. I think she used to come at me out of love and a " mother knows best attitude" but I also think she liked being controlling. She is dramatic and likes to be the center of attention. After making it clear that I wasn't going to do that anymore she has slowly come around. I am hoping the same will be true for you. But maybe you need to make a first step towards that by booking your own rooms and telling mom that you planned this before she got involved and you are going to do it your way. If she doesn't like that, so what. Its your vacation. Hugs.

 

[kcashner]

If SHE doesn't want to go, let HER cancel her place. She can call the TA and do it. Don't do anything else on her behalf. If it comes up to cruise day and she doesn't go, she is out whatever she paid--her choice. If she waits longer to make the call and is out more than 75%, again, her issue not yours.

Just tell the TA that if mother calls and wants to back out, that the TA needs to call you so that you can adjust the reservation (you and kids don't want to cancel.) You won't lose your KSF--you'll just have to pay for the second person in the room. One kid will still be free. If she stalls till 14 days before the cruise, there is no point in cancelling her at all as she'll get no refund. You can board with the kids if she doesn't show up. In this case, both kids will still be free.

Reality--based on what you have said, I don't believe she will pick up the phone to call the TA. She is manipulating you AGAIN. Your mistake was in telling her that you were thinking of cancelling rather than doing the "we need to establish the ground rules" talk.

At this point, you both need to act like adults. If she wants to cancel her spot, she can do so. But don't let her manipulate you into doing it for her. You should think seriously before doing anything specifically directed to her--anything you do will not be "right" in her eyes and will become something else to be fodder for manipulation.

YOU do not want to cancel the cruise, right? You want to go with your kids? If so, do it....if mother comes, fine (she is booked). If not, too bad, so sad.

 

[PrincessShmoo]

If SHE doesn't want to go, let HER cancel her place. She can call the TA and do it. Don't do anything else on her behalf. If it comes up to cruise day and she doesn't go, she is out whatever she paid--her choice. If she waits longer to make the call and is out more than 75%, again, her issue not yours.

Just tell the TA that if mother calls and wants to back out, that the TA needs to call you so that you can adjust the reservation (you and kids don't want to cancel.) You won't lose your KSF--you'll just have to pay for the second person in the room. One kid will still be free. If she stalls till 14 days before the cruise, there is no point in cancelling her at all as she'll get no refund. You can board with the kids if she doesn't show up. In this case, both kids will still be free.

Reality--based on what you have said, I don't believe she will pick up the phone to call the TA. She is manipulating you AGAIN. Your mistake was in telling her that you were thinking of cancelling rather than doing the "we need to establish the ground rules" talk.

At this point, you both need to act like adults. If she wants to cancel her spot, she can do so. But don't let her manipulate you into doing it for her. You should think seriously before doing anything specifically directed to her--anything you do will not be "right" in her eyes and will become something else to be fodder for manipulation.

YOU do not want to cancel the cruise, right? You want to go with your kids? If so, do it....if mother comes, fine (she is booked). If not, too bad, so sad.

Totally agree with the bolded part.

 

[OrcaPotter]

Goodness! So sorry something so exciting is marred by such drama! If you need another cheerleader, I agree with what everyone has been saying. While no where near as bad as what you're experiencing, my mother is dealing with her elderly father wanting to join us on our Dream cruise in 22 days. She is stressing over all the potential issues that may arise: his health deteriorating, him being needy on the ship, transporting him around, etc etc. I keep telling her she needs to relax and instead anticipate the positive versus the negative. It's our first real vacation with him, he has never expressed such strong interest in being on a cruise with us before, and it's all paid-in-full so he can't back out at the last minute like he did to us last time due to nerves.

Seems to me, you just need to do what others have said: lay down your law. This is what I'm doing with my children. You are welcome to join us, but here is what you need to understand. She is an adult and can take care of herself. If at all possible, do whatever it takes to get her into her own room. I would re-book your appointments and excursions, and then come up with some compromises that could include her. If she throws a fit and quits, the way I look at it, as long as she has paid for her fare, let her stay home and don't change anything. If she didn't pay for herself, I'd see it as you just paying the price for sanity.

 

[sayhello]

Seems to me, you just need to do what others have said: lay down your law. This is what I'm doing with my children. You are welcome to join us, but here is what you need to understand. She is an adult and can take care of herself. If at all possible, do whatever it takes to get her into her own room. I would re-book your appointments and excursions, and then come up with some compromises that could include her. If she throws a fit and quits, the way I look at it, as long as she has paid for her fare, let her stay home and don't change anything. If she didn't pay for herself, I'd see it as you just paying the price for sanity.

Amen!!!!

Sayhello

 

[carolinamom]

To all you wonderful, supportive, smart DISboarders- after having replied to this thread is was really on my mind. Sure enough, my closest friend just called me-COMPLETELY exasperated-and told me jokingly that "they are releasing a new movie-"throw mama from the boat" ( please forgive the image). She cruises with HER mom next week and her mom is driving her crazy already! Lol! I would say its clear that a lot of people struggle with those mother/daughter relationships!

 

[jdb in AZ]

I'm bummed that you canceled the dolphins. As another poster pointed out, you can do it elsewhere, but puhleeze make sure you do it. It's an amazing experience, and very educational -- the kids will have so much fun they won't even realize how much they're learning. Yes, it's expensive but so worth it, and your mom had no right to deprive her grand kids of that opportunity. Just as she has no right to mess up your whole vacation.

Please keep us updated on your saga. I refer to our family's drama as "another thrill-packed episode in the amazing adventures of "As the Stomach Churns."

 

[donald1403]

I really have no where else to vent how I am feeling right now, and so I guess I just would like some encouragement. I am a first-time cruiser that originally booked to go with just my kids and myself. My mother invited herself and since she is hearing impaired and a very stubborn person, she has become another unruly child that I have to keep details up on, since she does not comprehend anything about the internet, cruising, cruise etiquette, and this is stressing me so much that I feel like not going at all and just letting her figure it out on her own and me and the kids can stay home.
What do I do? Do I have time to cancel and get my money back? Or do I need to be talked off the ledge?

hi we have 39 Disney and 19 other cruises, have cruised with many people
here is our RULE it is your cruise we do not care how you enjoy it.
almost anything goes. we wish you the best Don & Gail

 

[Jenscruise]

I have no advice. I'm sorry. if I had to cruise with my mother one of us would go overboard... I'm 38 and I know my limits.

 

[SunLuvr321]

I have been thinking about this all day, and have not read all of the responses that have been posted so this may have already been said, but your mother makes her own choice on whether she will enjoy herself or not. I am a grandmother myself and if I could not go in the water for the dolphin experience I would still have a wonderful time. I would get to see my grand kids with the dolphins, take pictures, and hear all about it from them. I can think of no better memories than seeing my grandchildren enjoying something.

This trip is for your children. You should let the take the lead on what they want to do, and your mother can choose to enjoy the activities, or not. Do not let her bring you down and ruin this experience for you and your kids. I hope you have enjoy your trip and make lots of wonderful memories with your kids!

 

[vcjtx]

violetmonarch,

Sorry you're having this stress so close to departure date. I'll meet you at the first martini tasting!!

 

[BlakeandMaddysMomma]

I am so sorry that you are dealing with all if this! Reading through this thread though has made me realize I must be one of just a few with an AWESOME Mom!! I cant fathom having a mother that I didnt get along with! We sail on the Fantasy a week from tomorrow, myself DH, DD, DS and my DM!! Can't wait!!!