Offended

[KristaTX]

Completely tasteless on her part. Doesn't she know you'd probably see it? How old is she??

What you did wasn't wrong, although it is a little old fashioned. I have gotten to where I usually will skip the Mr. and Mrs./Ms., and just write "John and Mary Smith" when I address things. But I hardly ever address things to two people anymore. Usually it's just a birthday card to one person.

I will admit that it does bug me somewhat when mail from a business comes with "Mr. and Mrs. John Smith" - especially if it is from a church that we have visited. That's an instant "We can cross that church off our list!" red flag for me.

 

[brockash]

I'm not going lie, it does annoy me a bit, but my grandma always addresses things like this. I know she doesn't mean anything by it, but yes its annoying that my husbands name is somehow morning important than mine. Having said that ur friend was really rude.

 

[punkin]

How has the other woman been embarrassed? I don't think she thinks she embarrassed herself.

And the OP did NOT make a social faux pas as, last I knew, her way of addressing envelopes is still considered correct by the current etiquette rules.

Also, I think any form of diplomacy and subtle decorum would be lost on the other woman. Anyone who would not personally, privately address a small offense such as that, but tries to openly, publicly embarrass, poke fun of or humiliate another person who was being thoughtful & sending well wishes, seems to be lacking that level of social grace.

I don't think it is correct...maybe in the 1950s, but not now. Either way, I don't think a facebook post is appropriate. A nice, private email would have been nicer and more effective.

I never changed my last name and being addressed as Mrs. Hubby annoys me no end but I understand it from strangers who don't know any better. I usually gently correct them. If someone addressed me as Mrs. Chubby Hubby using DH's first name, I think I would blow a gasket (still wouldn't post on facebook, though).

 

[merryweather20]

I would have FBed back a picture of text snipped from one of Emily Post's etiquette books on the proper way to address an envelope AND another one on the etiquette of keeping private issues between the two people involved.

I personally would have just addressed the envelopes "John & Jane Doe & family." Or "John Smith & Jane Doe & family," if she has a different last name.

It was obviously uncool to post that on facebook, but you would have to go back pretty far to find an Emily Post that suggested Mr & Mrs. John Doe.

The Facebook friend could simply post a recent clip that had the corect way of addressing cards. Hint its the way you addressed your cards.

 

[java]

If you are facebook friends I would have not been able to not post a reply.

I would have said something along the lines of "Oh yes it is clearly 2012 where people have lost all semblance of manners"

Or "No worries you are off the list"

 

[Handbag Lady]

I sent a Christmas card to a family friend and her spouse, and today on facebook there is a picture of the envelope I addressed to them. I had addressed it to " Mr & Mrs (husbands name, last name). The status says something along the lines of it is 2012 and I have my own name and identity. Apparently I should have included both first names? I honestly was not trying to offend anyone. Just trying to fit it all in on the address line. But I can tell you who is OFF the card list from now on.

Anyone else get offended by having your mail addressed this way? I'll be honest, I don't put that much time into getting offended.

Ugh, not at all! You can send me a card next year addressed just the same way. What a rude friend. I would have taken her off of my list as well.

I'm assuming she knows you can see it on FB, too? Awful person.

 

[Kae]

I would just unfriend her on FB.

Kae

 

[Wishing on a star]

Anyone who would do that in front of the whole world, on Facebook, after you sent her a nice Christmas greeting... well... they have issues.

You may have called them a 'family friend'.
But, they would no longer be considered as a friend to me.

Wow, how rude and completely myopic of her!

 

[snuggly duckling]

Seriously. Regardless of how you feel about the addressing etiquette, blasting someone on Facebook like that is uncalled for. People misspell my first name all the time but I would NEVER even correct them let alone shame them publicly. I just remind myself that they meant well and I don't stress about. Same goes when my husband receives mail addressed to Mr. instead of Dr. Just not important enough to freak out about.

 

[rewok]

Well she was rude posting this on Facebook, but it does not feel like a 2012 way of addressing people. If you were an old lady, I would let it slide, but otherwise, I would surely remark on it (privately). Here everyone keeps their own name, so it's very rare to get even something like Jane & John Smith, most of the stuff is labelled Jane Doe & John Smith, but at least call me Jane! The only one calling me Jane Smith are people who don't know my last name. However, when we sent out our wedding cards, I labelled every envelope with both first & last name, even if the lines were really long. For me it shows consideration to our friends & family.

What would you do with the Jack Smith & John Doe couple? AFAIK, same sex marriage is legal in a few states! Rules have to evolve...

 

[bellebud]

That was obnoxiously rude of OP's friend. She would most definitely NEVER get a card or anything from me again.

But I will say that my MIL sends my mom a Xmas card addressed to Mrs. and then adds my dad's first (Joseph) and last name (like OP did), but my dad passed away 12 years ago and my mom does not like that MIL does this. She has been in a new relationship for the past 7-8 years and while she still uses my dad's last name she doesn't really feel like a Mrs. Joseph anymore. She tells me that it bugs her but she would NEVER do like OP's friend did or even mention it to my MIL in any way.

I address couples as Mr. and Mrs. and just put last name and no first name and I address families as so-and-so family.

I'll be the first to disagree and state that I really hate things addresed to Mr. and Mrs. John Doe. I gave up my last name when I got married, but I did keep my first. Stuff address like that goes straight to DH because his name is on it, not mine. I don't mind Mr. and Mrs. Doe though. When addressing cards I usually address it to The Doe Family.

However, saying something on FB that way really was rude. I agree that she should have said something to you privately. I'm curious to know if anyone of her other friends have commented on or "Liked" what she wrote.

On the other hand my mom gets upset when people send her mail addressed to "Mrs. Jane Smith". She says, even though my dad died over 40 years ago, she's still "Mrs. John Smith". Most women (in her opinion) who use the "Mrs. Jane Smith" name are divorced, not widowed.

I agree, she should have contacted the OP privately and told her what she prefers.

not picking on any quote here... it all just struck me as funny... whenever something similar happens (people just having varying opinions on something that there's really no right or wrong, and getting upset about it), dh always half-jokingly says "and people wonder why there will never be world peace". It's so true! Of course the only one who 'said' anything was the OP's "friend". But there will always be people like her. Getting her panties in a wad over something so trivial.

I have older relatives that would probably be offended by anything but Mr. and Mrs. (man's name) (last name). But they're of that generation, and I always make sure I address their cards that way. These are people in their 80's though (some in their 70's). Anyone else, I wouldn't put that because it would feel weird to put that to anyone younger (it's so old fashioned).

I kept my maiden name when I got married, but we get mail all the time addressed Mr. and Mrs.

I have no problem with it.

In fact, I'm just delighted when I get a nice piece of mail or correspondence-anything other than a bill . No one ever sends Christmas cards or letters anymore and I kind of miss that...I guess I am horribly old fashioned to think that way, though...

I'm sorry that this person did this to you-I think it was tacky and petty. I really don't know what gets into people sometimes...

I'm sorry you don't get xmas cards anymore. You're definitely not old fashioned thinking that way. I'm 44, and I receive about 50 cards (and send out the same amount) every year. I only know a handful of people who DON'T send cards.

 

[buffettgirl]

Well she was rude posting this on Facebook, but it does not feel like a 2012 way of addressing people. If you were an old lady, I would let it slide, but otherwise, I would surely remark on it (privately). Here everyone keeps their own name, so it's very rare to get even something like Jane & John Smith, most of the stuff is labelled Jane Doe & John Smith, but at least call me Jane! The only one calling me Jane Smith are people who don't know my last name. However, when we sent out our wedding cards, I labelled every envelope with both first & last name, even if the lines were really long. For me it shows consideration to our friends & family.

What would you do with the Jack Smith & John Doe couple? AFAIK, same sex marriage is legal in a few states! Rules have to evolve...

That's just silly.
The proper way to formally address a married couple when the wife has taken the husband's name is Mr & Mrs John Doe. The proper way to formally address a married couple when they have different last names is individually on separate lines. That goes for same sex couples. If the same sex couple have taken a joint last name or one has taken the other's last name you can leave off the titles and address it as John and Jack Smith, or John and Jack Smith-Jones. However, given that these would be formal invitations you want to use titles whenever it is feasible.

Addressing something improperly doesn't show consideration. It shows a lack of etiquette. It has nothing to do with it being 2012. Formal invitations are always formal.

 

[Imzadi]

It was obviously uncool to post that on facebook, but you would have to go back pretty far to find an Emily Post that suggested Mr & Mrs. John Doe.

The Facebook friend could simply post a recent clip that had the corect way of addressing cards. Hint its the way you addressed your cards.

Actually, according to the EmilyPost website, it still IS an acceptable way to address them, unless it's known that the woman prefers her own name. (Then she doesn't need to embarrass someone publicly on FB to let them know how she prefers to be addressed. )

http://www.emilypost.com/communication-and-technology/notes-and-letters/96-guide-to-addressing-correspondence

 

[goofyintoronto]

I sent a Christmas card to a family friend and her spouse, and today on facebook there is a picture of the envelope I addressed to them. I had addressed it to " Mr & Mrs (husbands name, last name). The status says something along the lines of it is 2012 and I have my own name and identity. Apparently I should have included both first names? I honestly was not trying to offend anyone. Just trying to fit it all in on the address line. But I can tell you who is OFF the card list from now on.

Anyone else get offended by having your mail addressed this way? I'll be honest, I don't put that much time into getting offended.

Are you kidding me? That person was VERY rude! Wow! I dunno what to say. I've never experienced anything like that, probably cause i stopped sending out xmas cards. LMAO!

Sent from my Galaxy SII

 

[Pigeon]

I kept my last name. The only time I get offended is when people who know me use my husband's last name.

My MIL was totally offended that I didn't change my name. For the first couple of years we were married, she addressed things to Mrs. Hislastname. After both of us asking her to use my actual name to no avail, I started marking things "return to sender, addressee unknown." She finally got the message.

 

[TinkerBelled]

It was terribly rude. Even if she felt offended, she shouldn't mention it on facebook; even if she mentioned it on facebook, the least she could do was to make it anonymous and non-specific. Posting a picture of your envelope was beyond the pale.

That said, I am really, really put off by being called by my husband's full name. I have to say that I agree with the sentiment: I have an identity beyond that of wife to my husband. I am not Mrs. John Jones.

Actually, I'm not even Mrs. Jane Jones, as I kept my name, but I'm not offended by being called this--that seems to indicate that we're a partnership, while Mrs. John Jones makes it seem like my identity is completely subsumed by my husband's. I understand that this is still an acceptable formal way, but I will say that it skeeves me.

It might seem a strange thing to get worked up over, but it's a pet peeve of mine. All of that said, however, I think her behavior was beyond rude.

 

[missingFL]

While I don't think that it's appropriate to post your addressing on Facebook, I'll agree with others that the way that you addressed the envelope is too old-fashioned for my personal taste. I didn't change my last name when I married and even DH thinks it's strange to to address a couple as "Mr. and Mrs. John Smith" unless on a very formal invitation like for a wedding. I haven't addressed anything (including Christmas cards) like that since I was married almost 17 years ago. And I was very conscious of names/titles (both or the female being Dr.), with many people commenting on their appreciating my attention to detail. Regardless of what you, Emily Post, or others say, I'd consider the person to whom I'm addressing and act accordingly. Maybe you shouldn't send them a card, not because they posted on Facebook but because you don't know them well enough to know that they'd be offended.

I guess I don't consider Christmas cards as formal. They are cards that I send to friends and family. I'm not a bit offended when we receive cards to the "Smith Family" even though, technically, I'm a not a Smith. But I am part of a family and embrace that. We even use "The Smith Family" as our return address label. I am part of a family but I'm not the female version of my husband.

 

[manning]

Too bad it wasn't the husband who did that. I would be sending his wife a dozen red roses with a card saying "from your one and only" Not really

Wouldn't that make an exciting Xmas.

 

[KatheeME]

While I would not be offended, I have never gone by Mrs hubby's first and last name, I DO have my own name!

 

[Mel522]

I sent a Christmas card to a family friend and her spouse, and today on facebook there is a picture of the envelope I addressed to them. I had addressed it to " Mr & Mrs (husbands name, last name). The status says something along the lines of it is 2012 and I have my own name and identity. Apparently I should have included both first names? I honestly was not trying to offend anyone. Just trying to fit it all in on the address line. But I can tell you who is OFF the card list from now on.

Anyone else get offended by having your mail addressed this way? I'll be honest, I don't put that much time into getting offended.

Although the standard for addressing a formal letter is Mr & Mrs John Doe, a Christmas card to a family friend is not a formal situation. I think it would have been more appropriate to address it as Jane and John Doe, especially since the woman was the family friend and therefore the reason you sent the card.

That being said, it was incredibly disrespectful to post it on facebook. If she had a serious problem she should have mentioned it to you privately and not in a public forum. You took the time and effort to send a card and she bashed you for it. Badly done on her part.