Well, it just so happens that TODAY is quite some day!!
Do tell, please - inquiring minds want to know.
!
All righty then...(it's a doozy)
Four years ago I went to Shanghai with the US Special Olympic Team when I was a coach for the World Summer Games. We were in China for almost 3 weeks, but the first week we were there we spent in sort of a cultural exchange type thing. They sent us to explore the area and meet the people. We got to visit schools, and cultural centers and even visit with families in their homes. They actually did this for all 8000 athletes who were attending from countries all over the world. Since Team USA was so large, they split us up for the home visits. We wound up with one coach and 3-4 athletes in a group and we went to the home of a nice family in a town called Gao Dong to spend an afternoon and eat lunch.
When we got to the home (which was LOVELY) I was shocked to discover that not only were we visiting with the Husband, Wife and college age daughter, but also it seems their neighbors and relatives got wind of our arrival and they all crowed into the house to meet us...along with a dozen newspaper reporters and camera men. There was barely room to move in the house and NOBODY spoke a word of English except the daughter. Once my three athletes (all of whom had Aspergers) saw the crowd, they immediately clammed up tight. Poor things were so shy and overwhelmed...which left JUST ME to carry on a FOUR HOUR long, one-sided, conversation with the house full of people. It was kind of a nightmare...
The Chinese are HUGE on hospitality. HUGE. In preparation for our visit, the mother had laid out on the table a bowl of fruit (oranges and bananas) and bottles of Coke and water. Both were apparently a big deal as fresh fruit is something of a treat for them and Coke an even rarer treat. The coaches had a rule about drinking soda (a no no) but seeing as how freaked out my athletes were, I let them have the Coke. So my athletes are sitting in the living room happily sipping cokes and eating oranges and bananas while I try desperately to drum up some kind of conversation while two dozen strangers stare silently smiling at me. I felt like a bug in a jar.
Luckily, the families grandma was kind enough to give me a demo of her knitting skills, but while i was enjoying that I noticed the MOM giving me a the 1000 yard stare. I can't figure out why she is eye balling me, so I just kind of give her a sweet smile...a mistake. She smiles back and points to the bowl of fruit.
Uh oh.
Apparently the mom was concerned that I hadn't partaken of her offerings. VERY concerned. I tried to do the polite international "none for me thanks" sign, but MOM wasn't having any of it. She nudged the bowl at me.
Crud.
Not wanting to cause an international incident, I do a quick "worst case scenario" run down in my head. If I was on a desert island DYING, which piece of fruit could I even remotely stand a chance of choking down without killing myself?
Sure. Why not? So I figure I'll take a banana and just HOLD it. Then I will distract the family with more questions and a song and dance routine (don't laugh...I had one planned) and by then, surely it will be lunch time and I will have had to do nothing more than just HOLD the banana.
I look at MOM, who is now bowl in hand and practically shoving it at me. So I smile sweetly and select A banana. MOM beams proudly back at me. A little bit of my soul starts to die inside.
Now I'm holding this banana, my athletes are happily oblivious to my life and death struggle inside and sipping Coke and eating oranges and now I begin grilling the family on the ins and outs of life in China. Thank God the daughter was able to translate English. After I forced them to give me a tour of the house, a botched attempt by grandma to teach me how to knit and my insistence on looking through about 20 photo albums of their family vacations...MOM is still staring expectantly at the uneaten banana in my hands. The banana weighs about 1000lbs now. So I force the athletes to get up and sing "You Are My Sunshine" with me...which amounted to them shyly shuffling their feet and mumbling while I butchered the song acapella as slowly as I could manage...
But MOM is now boring a hole through my skull as she stares at me and my banana. I horrific realizations fills me. I am not getting out of this. I'm going to have to EAT THE BANANA. Mom is no pushing my hand with the banana towards my face and making "nom nom nom" motions.
Kill me.
I then realize that I've never actually PEELED a banana either, and I'm not quite sure how to do it. Do I need a cigar cutter to nip the end? Do I just shuck it like corn? My brain rifles through unused files from my childhood and finally finds an old faded black and white grainy film of my mom peeling a banana to put on her cereal. Okay...I can do this. I HAVE to do this. I can't dishonor our gracious hosts.
I manage to get one of the athletes to tell a story about her new puppy...that gives me enough of a distraction from the 2 dozen silently judging eyes watching us. All except mom, who is no giddy with happiness and watching my every move as I slowly and awkwardly begin to peel the banana.
My hands are shaking. Cold sweat appears on my brow. I feel faint.
I figure I can take the teeniest bite and swallow it whole and that should hole MOM off until lunch (which is only 20 minutes away). I peel the banana back and expose just the end. My heart is pounding like a cornered rabbit.
YOU CAN DO THIS. YOU HAVE TO DO THIS.
I grab one of the water bottles figuring I can wash it down quickly like a pill if need be. MOM is practically vibrating now, and aboput 6 inches away from my face. I smile weakly at her...
And I take a bite.
As soon as it touches my tongue my entire body goes into survival mode. My throat closes up, my stomach lurches. My brain is SCREAMING "PANIC!!!!". Dear God this tastes awful. Beyond awful. MOM is smiling and nodding at me like "mmmmmmm, good isn;t it?" I'm dying. This is where I will die...in some small town in Shanghai. will they send my body home or bury me here? I have to do something. Can't spit it out, even though my body is trying to. So I take a swig of water and figure just swallow the teeny bite whole like an aspirin.
NOPE. My body is in full on freak out. Throat closed up too tight for that little chunk to go down. I'm going to suffocate. Think dang it!
Okay...looks like I'm going to have to CHEW my way out of this one. So I start to chew the piece...which instantly turns the water in my mouth into the nastiest most rancid banana flavored MUSH ever. Vomit actually rises up in the back of my throat. Tears are starting to stream down my face...and MOM is clapping and smiling at me. I can't spew all over her nice living room, but I am going to blow. What can I do??
Nasty mush is now in every crevice of my mouth. I'm choking to death but luckily nobody seems to notice. With strength that could only have been granted by God himself, I somehow manage to gag down the mush water and then I chug the entire bottle of water. MOM is beaming. I rub my tummy like "Boy am I FULL" and mom nods with approval and goes to the kitchen to get lunch ready. You see in China, it is VERY polite to not finish all of your food. It means your host has taken good care of you. If you eat all of your food it means you must still be hungry. Thank God.
I politely excuse myself to bathroom where I find the image of death staring back at me from the bathroom mirror. I'm GRAY, drenched in sweat and my eyes are completely bloodshot. I resist retching in the toilet as that would only bring that horrible mush back up into my mouth. To add insult to injury...I realize the stress of it has caused my period to start RIGHT THEN.
Lunch, however, was delightful.
They're heavy!!
My dad used to eat an entire box in one sitting. I'd have to leave the room because that smell would just turn my stomach.
There is not such thing as red LICORICE!
