Sorry to just butt in like this
I just need a place to whine a little. Just feeling a tad overwhelmed at the moment. And know that you will understand.
I was first diagnosed with Grave's disease in October 2001 (right after going on the pill and returning back from a rather stressful vacation in the US, trying to fly in on 9/11). I was as hyper as one can be - constant trembling, weight loss (about 20 pounds in two weeks), hair loss, mood swings, bad temper, insomnia... you name it, I had it.
I went on medication. Had regular blood tests, a lousy doctor but I got better. I changed my life (including some radical decisions to swith my major from Chemistry to English and split up with my then boyfriend, mostly for not being supportive), my blood work came back too low, I went off medication, I stayed well for years. Life was good.
"Things" just started creeping back into my life about 2 years ago. Weight gain (well, I had just gotten married and they do say you gain), anxiety (I just don't like people, is that a big deal?), panick attacks (it is normal to spend the whole weekend hiding under a blanket, right?), mood swings (I am a woman, it's hormones), fatigue (I had just started a new job, didn't get along with my colleague who has issues), stress (that's what you deal with, working 50 hour weeks and working on a doctorate that is not work related)... just little things. Noting major. Nothing I could really put my hand on. Well, I eventually went to see an new primary care physician, asked to have my thyroid checked and ended with a TSH of 4.3. What was diagnosed as Grave's disease was really the first flare up of Hashimoto's. Wonderful.
Around the same time my little cousin was diagnosed with thyroid cancer, my aunt had thyroid surgery due to Hashimoto's, my MIL had her thyroid removed because of small lumps and a large cyst. Did I mention that my grandmother as well as my grandfather also had their thyroids removed? And that I only know one side of my family...
I am rambling. Sorry.
Well, I went on medication (starting with 25mg of L-Thyroxin, then switched to 50) and suddenly I felt perfect! I had energy, I could do things, I didn't cancel appointments or change plans just because I "couldn't" do them, I didn't worry about crowds, we even went to watch fireworks with hundreds of people and I didn't mind at all, I started losing weight - slowly but steadily (20 pounds over a 6 months period without changing my eating habbits, I do eat rather healthily as it is), I got work done on my doctorate, I didn't sleep 14 to 16 hours on weekends (and still felt tired)... I was how I wanted to be.
For the last few weeks, I feel as I felt before. I notice I am falling back into my old habits. I cancelled something last night that I had been looking forward to for weeks! I couldn't go. I was sitting in my office crying, because I just couldn't do it. I have been gaining weight (obviously you can gain 10 pounds by eating a serving of cereal, a green salad with a tablespoon of dressing, an apple, a joghurt and a cup of soup a day... I guess I should just stop adding sugar to my cup of coffee in the morning
I eat less than I ever have and I feel so powerless). I spend every free minute in bed, hiding from the world. I don't answer the phone, I don't answer the door. I haven't had my period for three months. I gag when wearing a turtle neck. I can't concentrate, I make stupid mistakes (I can't even spell anymore and though English is not my native language at least I always felt comfortable in it), I feel like an idiot.
My physician thinks my thyroid levels are perfect. It can't be that.
I feel as if I am going crazy. Either it is the thyroid... or I am sorry, I am depressed. I am sure you could blame my difficult childhood, my stressful work with bad work atmosphere (at least that situation will solve itself in February, my colleage will move to a different department and I won't have to worry about her "issues" any more), working two jobs while trying to get a doctorate, my husband's wish for children (that I don't share at the moment), money issues (we both went to university and are paying back study loans), going off the pill, multiple deaths and health issues in the family... but really, I don't think I am clinically depressed. I don't think I'd even notice those symptoms if it wasn't for the six months during spring/summer that they were completely gone, that I learned - again - who I am.
I have secretly started taking more thyroxine (now taking 62.5 mg every morning), which helped for a while. And am contemplating just trying how it goes with 75mg. What scares me most about that thought is that I would eventually have to tell my physician. When I first went there, he said we would work on a feel-good level and not look at the blood levels too much - but that's what he is doing. Otherwise he's great, very thorough, attentive, caring...
I haven't seen an endocrinologist since 2001 and nobody ever said I should. Can I just ask for that? Can I just ask to try taking more thyroxine? If I tell my physician that though I think I am showing a lot of signs of "mental health issues" I think it comes from my thyroid? I just feel like crap and I want it to go away!
Sorry for complaining. And rambling that much. I just need to let it out. And I simply don't know where else to do so.