Are we over reacting?

[megsoro]

Edited out the long story at DBFs request. Short version: family blow out over the word mom- hoping the feelings change and no one else gets hurt from this :/

Thank you all for your thoughts

 

[kimblebee]

There's no way he should have to call her mom. He is old enough to make that decision for himself and she just needs to accept it.

 

[disykat]

I agree that it's ridiculous to expect a new "stepmom" to an adult to be called "mom."

It's really hard to believe this was something to fight over. In hindsight, it probably would have been better for DBF to ignore it rather than saying anything, but he probably thought confronting it honestly was best. How would he know it would cause a fight?!

What a weird turn of events. Hopefully when everyone cools down they'll realize how silly they're being.

If DBF has to in order to keep the peace, I guess he could "agree" to call her "mom" but just never do it. Fortunately my inlaws let me call them by their first names, but I know of a lot who don't and many of them simply end up being called nothing.

 

[cornflake]

I'd say either agree to call her 'mom' and just never do it - how often do you use someone's name in conversation anyway, and it doesn't sound like you'll be hanging out there every weekend.

Or, agree to it and then call her some ridiculous, obnoxious derivative. Like, call her 'ma-ma' in a baby-ish cadence, or 'moooooooom' all exasperated every time, or 'mommy!' or something stupid. She can't complain, he's basically doing what she wanted, he's not actually calling her mom and he's mocking her. Everybody wins!

 

[sissy_ib]

I'd say either agree to call her 'mom' and just never do it - how often do you use someone's name in conversation anyway, and it doesn't sound like you'll be hanging out there every weekend.

Or, agree to it and then call her some ridiculous, obnoxious derivative. Like, call her 'ma-ma' in a baby-ish cadence, or 'moooooooom' all exasperated every time, or 'mommy!' or something stupid. She can't complain, he's basically doing what she wanted, he's not actually calling her mom and he's mocking her. Everybody wins!

This is a very mature and well though out answer.

 

[sissy_ib]

OP- there is no reason he should feel obligated to call this woman mom. She is not his mother. Plain and simple. More than that, he is an adult and she is not and has not been a parental figure to him. I don't like the idea of agreeing to call her mom then not doing it. Why should he agree to do something he is not comfortable with, even if he does not plan on doing it. I would feel very uncomfortable if it was me in that situation, for myriad reasons. Your boyfriend was being respectful, but by demanding he call her mom they are not respecting your boyfriend and it is disrespectful to his actual mom.

 

[mimmi]

Not that it doesn't really matter as it's ridiculous expecting an adult call his stepmother "mother", but is his mother deceased? It would be even more disrespectful then.
My FIl married a second time when my husband was already grown up, I can't imagine anybody suggesting that he calls the second wife "mom", how weird would that be?

It sucks that there was a hige fight over a word, especially as the holidays are coming up, but I think your boyfriend was right to be upfront and honest.

 

[megsoro]

Thanks guys. Glad to know we're not the only ones thinking is weird. I'm gonna let him cool off- see how it goes.

 

[mfd25wife]

No, I don't think it's over reacting. I am a stepchild. My mom died when I was 6. Stepmother married dad when I was 8. After 30 years of me calling her by her first name she decided to refer to herself as "mom". If she left messages, it was "it's your mom" instead of saying "it's me" or "it's xyz" as if I don't know her voice or phone number. She started signing all cards to me with "love, dad & mom". I tell you that to tell you "IT DRIVES ME BATTY!" so I personally would not even start it if I didn't want to keep it up not even to keep the peace right now. I'm not saying fighting is good, but wouldn't let the future stepmother dictate that not even to the point that you and DBF pretend it's acceptable. I really really hate it. If dad signed cards, he did it with "love dad & xyz". I tried being subtle and when I said something, it was nice but it was using her name. It took a couple of years, but she has finally quit trying to manipulate it. While it was going on, our relationship was tense. If ours was this tense and we've been stepmother/ stepchild this long, your DBF may regret it if he gives in before he is ready.

 

[cornflake]

This is a very mature and well though out answer.

The response is designed to match the inanity of the demand and response to the boyfriend declining it.

 

[sissy_ib]

The response is designed to match the inanity of the demand and response to the boyfriend declining it.

It would do nothing but cause further problems between the family. I think the OP's boyfriend should continue to both be as respectful as possible and hold his ground. From her response it seams that is his plan. There is no reason to act childish in this situation and drive a further wedge in the already fragile relationship between this father and son.

 

[NHdisneylover]

Assuming the issue s that the new stepmom of an adult wants sad adult to al her mom and the adult s not comfortable doing so.

I do not think any step parent of a child old enough to already be talking and having names for people has any right to demand to be called mom or dad or any derivative there of. When you meet them for the first time, they are not likely already a step parent (certainly not for kids) and think t s wrong to insist on changing what name a child calls you later on--just let the relationship develop and don't get hung up on some weird power issue with a name.

With an adult, as someone mentioned earlier--a step parent has not played the role of actually parenting the adult child EVER--making it weird to even ask that the name be used (IMO).

Personally, I would ignore the issue as much as possible (not call her by any name at all, and not bring t up myself) and if she brings it up stick with "'m really not comfortable calling someone who did not raise me Mom, sorry" (not saying not comfortable calling HER mom, but calling anyone not his mom--so t s less personal) and then try to move on quickly. If that turns into arguing would repeat my stance, say was not going to argue about it and f need be leave rather than engage.

 

[Eeyore'sthebest]

You deleted the original post so I'll respond based on the other responses. The rule folks, the rule!!!

I am a stepmom. I have been one since the youngest was 6. I have never asked them to call me mom. I never will. They have a mother. She's not the best mother in the world but she is their mom. Even when I was raising them, and their mother couldn't be bothered to see them for 3 years, I never asked them to call me that. Disrespectful to the kid and the mom!!

 

[MIGrandma]

I don't think anyone should be forced into calling a stepmother "Mom" if they don't want to. I have a step-mother-in-law and have never called her "Mom." I had a wonderful mother-in-law. She's been gone almost 13 years and I miss her. She was "Mom." But step-mother-in-law will never be. I call her by her first name. She has never commented on that, but if she ever told me I needed to call her "Mom" I would just tell her how I feel about it. DH doesn't call her "Mom" either, nor do his sisters. They all use her first name.

I am a mother-in-law myself and have never insisted that my son-in-law or daughter-in-law call me "Mom." They both do, but it was their choice, not mine.

 

[spacemountainmom]

My Grandma passed away when my dad was 25 years old. Six years later my Grandpa remarried. My dad always called his stepmother by her name. It wasn't because he didn't like her, she was not his mother. It would have been rather silly for him to call her mom.

I was 7 and my sister was 5 when Grandpa remarried. Neither one of us ever knew our Grandma so we pretty quickly started calling her Grandma. I think she was pretty thrilled about that even though she had grandchildren and great-grandchildren of her own. It turned out that our mom's mom passed away the next year so our "step" Grandma was the only one we had for most of our lives. Grandma passed away when I was 19. It didn't matter that we didn't share blood, she was my Grandma.

It is rather crazy that the woman is insisting that a grown man that she did not raise call her mom.

 

[ilovemk76]

This is a very mature and well though out answer.

If you lived in the City and your 3 year old could navigate the subway alone then you would she the brilliance in this way of thinking!