Got flamed on this subject on the regualr boards, maybe fellow brides will get it...

[SamandWill1921]

Hi ladies (and maybe gentlemen)!

Here's my Reader's Digest version of my story:
My DH and I have been married for almost 2 years. When we got married we had a private ceremony just us because he wanted our wedding to be about us and didn't want to deal with his very difficult family, and his family especially didn't like it at all. In fact it spiraled into months of family therapy and all that lovely stuff.

Here we are a few years later and we have decided we want a "real wedding" (not that our wedding wasn't lovely) and discussions of a destination VR have been floating around the Sunday dinner table. DH and I have our hearts set on a Disney Cruise Line ceremony. His family is NOT on board (pun intended a little haha). We have suggested many other destinations, none of which they like any more. When asked if they had any ideas we got a very cynical response of "it's your thing, you plan it". So basically they hate everything we want but don't want to offer any ideas of their own. So we have decided to do what WE want, Disney Cruise Line.

Now I love my DH but his family is some of the most cynical, sarcastic, jerks I have EVER come across. My DH put it very well when he said "my Dad is one of those people that if he gets it in his head that he's not going to have a good time, he will go out of his way to make SURE he doesn't have a good time."

Here's just an example of what I go through:
(Please don't turn this into a debate of any kind)
My in-laws label themselves "liberal atheists" and I have no problem with that at all, everyone is entitled to their own opinions and I have never once said a bad word about their belief system, nor have I tried to push my views onto them. I think of myself as a politically neutral christian, and they DO have a problem with that. They openly mock me while I am trying to say a silent, discreet prayer before I start eating. Then my FIL and his brother dominate the entire dinner conversation and do nothing but speak ill of all other views but their own. Then they get into what a crock the healthcare system is (I'm a nurse) and all the while I sit there and suck it up, bite my tongue, and try not to burst into tears.

So these people have the money, they WILL come. We don't really want to deal with all the complaining, but we can't just not invite them. We don't want to repeat that disaster again.

How do I deal with this? How do I sit with these people at dinner every night and listen to this? How am I suppose to plan when I'm being fought tooth and nail on every detail no matter what it is? How do I make this nice for people who are determined not to have a good time? And most importantly, how do I enjoy my vow renewal when I very well be laughed at during the ceremony for walking down the isle to "So this is love"?

I don't know if there is enough pixy dust in the world to make my dream vow renewal a success that everyone can at least tolerate, all I want is tolerate...

 

[girli565]

I feel for you. My MIL and SIL are not the warmest or nicest people. All they did was complain and make my life difficult while planning and during our wedding vacation.

Truly, all you can do is ignore them. if you really want this and they have not offered any input than they do not get a say in where you decide. You've even been nice enough to ask them point blank where they want to go and you got their answer so move on. The only person you need to make happy and be content with is you and your husband (this is the mantra I lived by when my MIL was criticizing everything, like buffet (which we had) versus plated meals, my husbands wedding shoes, even whether or not he wore his glasses to the wedding. He wears them normally everyday, can't wear contacts, so why would he not wear them on his wedding day?).

Enjoy your cruise, make it the trip of a lifetime and spend as little time with his family as possible. If you have to see them at dinner because you're sitting together than try not to see them any other time, lol. The ships are huge and the ports are even bigger so it won't be hard to disappear for a few hours at a time. I cruised with a group of 15 once and we hardly saw each other outside of our planned activities.

 

[Missytara]

I have never been in your shoes and I cannot even begin to imagine what you must be going through - however, I will keep you in my thoughts, hope that you will receive some good advice from someone who has been in your shoes and you will get your day to renew your vows, be able to smile at your husband as you walk down the aisle to "This is Love."

That is my wish for you. Keep strong!

 

[SamandWill1921]

I feel for you. My MIL and SIL are not the warmest or nicest people. All they did was complain and make my life difficult while planning and during our wedding vacation.

Truly, all you can do is ignore them. if you really want this and they have not offered any input than they do not get a say in where you decide. You've even been nice enough to ask them point blank where they want to go and you got their answer so move on. The only person you need to make happy and be content with is you and your husband (this is the mantra I lived by when my MIL was criticizing everything, like buffet (which we had) versus plated meals, my husbands wedding shoes, even whether or not he wore his glasses to the wedding. He wears them normally everyday, can't wear contacts, so why would he not wear them on his wedding day?).

Enjoy your cruise, make it the trip of a lifetime and spend as little time with his family as possible. If you have to see them at dinner because you're sitting together than try not to see them any other time, lol. The ships are huge and the ports are even bigger so it won't be hard to disappear for a few hours at a time. I cruised with a group of 15 once and we hardly saw each other outside of our planned activities.

This is what I thought I would do, but the general opinion on the DCL boards were "they spent all this time and money to take this vacation, you can't ignore them" and I can see where they are coming from....

 

[SamandWill1921]

I have never been in your shoes and I cannot even begin to imagine what you must be going through - however, I will keep you in my thoughts, hope that you will receive some good advice from someone who has been in your shoes and you will get your day to renew your vows, be able to smile at your husband as you walk down the aisle to "This is Love."

That is my wish for you. Keep strong!

Thank you very much for your support! <3

 

[girli565]

This is what I thought I would do, but the general opinion on the DCL boards were "they spent all this time and money to take this vacation, you can't ignore them" and I can see where they are coming from....

It is what it is, you didn't force them to come, they chose whether or not they wanted to be there. It's your vacation too, not just theirs. You do not need to make everyone happy because that would be impossible. If they wanted so bad to be at your previous wedding they will be more than pleased to be at this VR. Outside of the VR and reception you really don't have an obligation to see them. Heck, dinner forces you all to be together already.

Would you expect to spend 5-7 days with the bride and groom at a normal/traditional (non-destination) wedding? No, you attend the ceremoney and reception and leave.

You're also shelling out plenty of money between the cruise fare and your VR so why wouldn't you be entitled to being happy too? I guess I'm selfish and will get flamed too, lol.

 

[disney212]

I had the same issue at our wedding. DH's family doesn't care for me at all. He is the baby and here I was a divorced woman with 2 children who would not be having additional children. DMIL insisted on a big church wedding for her "baby". I said fine I would keep the peace so we paid for it out of our pocket with her fighting us all the the way. She invited 40 folks to the rehersal dinner then 24 hour before informed me she decided it was "too much" for her and informed me I was on my own. Luckily she didn't know that i used to cater so many friends and much pasta later our dinner was a HUGE success at our new home(only made her hate me more)! We figured since we were over 30 that we would go dignified, needless to say she used Halloween paint in her hair and came to our reception with her hair bright orange and then proceeded color DH's family in the same manner. Everyone was appalled, the only person she made look bad was herself and her family. Jump ahead 13 years and DH and I are doing what we should have done the first time and getting renewing on a cruise. My point is there are miserable people in the world and their greatest joy is making others miserable. No matter what you or DH do you are not going to change them. Now when we include them we tell folks that it won't just be dinner but "dinner and a show". I tried to make peace but you can't win with folks like that. Have DH tell them upfront (in your presence) when the ceremony is and that they are welcome to attend but it isn't expected. Then have him expand that you will be on your 2nd honeymoon and do not plan o n spending it with "family". I really feel for you and give you a big . I may not have handled it so well if it were not my second marriage and I still get a long great with my ex-in laws (go figure) so I know it is not me, I am a great daughter in law and they missed out on having someone that would have done anything for them if they were just kind.

 

[bradleyjess]

I agree. You aren't responsible for their happiness, and you can't change sour people. It sounds like you did the right thing by asking for suggestions.

I say don't complain if you don't have a better idea!

 

[wiigirl]

I agree. You aren't responsible for their happiness, and you can't change sour people. It sounds like you did the right thing by asking for suggestions.

I say don't complain if you don't have a better idea!

Agreed!

 

[NoOrdinaryPrincess]

I really, really feel for you.

Our families are very supportive but I've spent a lot of time trying to strategize ways to minimize drama.

The only adivce I have is this: if I were you, I woudn't do a cruise. I would do something at WDW/DL/S&D etc. To me, a cruise may mean that disagreeable family will not only be annoying on my wedding day, but my honeymoon as well.

 

[celerystalker]

I second noordinaryprincess - don't go on a cruise with these miserable people! do a wdw vow renewal - purposely don't stay at the same hotel as them and then escape to your cruise honeymoon!

I'm not sure if I misunderstood, but you don't eat dinner with these people every week, do you? If you do, STOP!

I'll be praying for peace for you! and God's wisdom!

 

[BarelyBalancedBelle]

I'm new so I don't have a lot of experience with the boards or Disney related events. I do, however, have a lifetime of experience with unruly families. I feel for you. I want to hug you...and, if it didn't offend you, especially your husband.

Having a difficult family is so hard... and it puts in a position that few people can understand (probably why you received some "off" responses on the other board). I'm going through it myself right now and my fella is as well.

I think the solution that's given me the most sanity is realizing that as long as I'm happy and the fella is happy... that's what matters on this particular day. For me, what makes ME happy is trying to bring everyone together, in one location, for a FUN vacation, one last time.

If you are only inviting out of tradition or obligation, I'd skip it altogether... it's not worth it and they won't have fun and neither will you. I like the suggestion of what others said, specifically, about not rooming near them and definitely not trapping yourself on a ship with them for an extended amount of time.

Sending hugs your way and I hope you get your Cruise Vow Renewal as you'd hoped and planned! Stay strong.

 

[minniebride]

I have an extended family member who sounds like your family. We felt obligated to invite them to our wedding because we were invited to their childrens' weddings. They are both extremely critical and judgmental & the type to act fake sweet to your face and then make fun of you as soon as you walk away. I know they thought my WDW wedding was silly & they were also very critical of my weight, as I had gained some since I last saw them, due to a medication I had been on.

I had stressed about them coming and then finally decided I am not going to let these people ruin my day. I did not spend much time with them & I centered my attention around those who were having a good time & were genuinely happy for me. When I did talk to them, it was brief & as soon as I got one critical look or passive aggressive comment from them, I walked away & hung out with other people. If you are going to be cruel, than you so not deserve my time or attention. I don't think they had a great time at our wedding because I think they felt left out. Everyone else there was having a great time & saying such wonderful things about how beautiful I looked & about how great our wedding was.

Don't let these people ruin your special day. It's a day that you will always remember & you deserve to feel wonderful.

As for their making fun of your planning, can you just tell them you are keeping the events and details a surprise & that way they won't get to argue with you on anything?

 

[sleepydog25]

There are all types of draconian ideas running through my head, each of which would be a way to put a few folks in their places. However, that's not very Golden Rule-ish; more importantly, none is likely to solve your basic issue. If his family insist on coming, which you imply they will, then I must agree with a couple of other posters who suggest doing your wedding on WDW property then transitioning to the cruise for your honeymoon. Where I diverge from their suggestion is that you might consider a second ceremony on board the ship to scratch that dream cruise wedding itch, only family isn't invited. Do a simple ceremony on land and a more elaborate one on the ship, or make both of them simple--whichever you choose.

While others have suggested that you won't cross paths on the cruise ship that often, I beg to differ. It is easy to run into the same folks over and over on a cruise ship, and they aren't even family. If you set up the same dining rotation, it seems you'd be inviting friction and angst into your trip. Even if you don't, surely they'll know where your stateroom is, what your schedule will be, and you'll feel obligated to join them often. On the other hand, if you have a ceremony at WDW, you get the Disney feel and then you leave them for a destination. . .that is also Disney. And should you feel compelled to get married "again" at sea, you can do so, but without the drama that would weigh you down like an, ahem, anchor.

You are not obligated to fulfill the happiness needs and quotas of others, but filling your hearts with joy without the senseless braying of others should be a top priority. . .for what my opinion is worth.

 

[SamandWill1921]

Thanks for all the support everyone. We can't afford to do a WDW ceremony AND a DCL one. So I think We may do something like this:
Do a 3 night VR cruise on the Dream, that way we don't have to be with them for an entire week in a confined space. And we may only have to eat dinner with them for one night of we do Palo and Remy. I'm a activity person, so I'm more than happy to let them know where I will be and they can join if they want but they are more the type to set up camp at the bar. And that's just fine by me....
Then Hang out at WDW for a day or two,
THEN head on a 7 night fantasy honeymoon cruise.

And yes, this is cheaper than a WDW ceremony, a DCL ceremony, WDW tickets and hotel, and a cruise.

With doing a 3 night with them, if they want to be excessively nasty then it only ruins 3 days, not a week.

 

[taaren]

Not a bride, and we did our not-fancy wedding while leaving out a bunch of family, so I get that you want to do a vow renewal ... I just don't understand why you can't _not_ invite them. Invite the people who will make your day joyful, avoid the people that won't.

If you absolutely have to have them there for a ceremony, do one in your home town, then travel somewhere without them and do another ceremony for you and the people you want. And don't tell them about the second one!

 

[SamandWill1921]

Not a bride, and we did our not-fancy wedding while leaving out a bunch of family, so I get that you want to do a vow renewal ... I just don't understand why you can't _not_ invite them. Invite the people who will make your day joyful, avoid the people that won't.

If you absolutely have to have them there for a ceremony, do one in your home town, then travel somewhere without them and do another ceremony for you and the people you want. And don't tell them about the second one!

I understand where you are coming from, and that type of thing has been discussed many times. But I'm trying to avoid all lies and deceit. What's going to happen when they see a framed picture of my DH and I on the ship in wedding clothes hanging in our house? I don't want to have to pull down pictures for the rest of our lives to avoid an awkward situation.

 

[DixieBelle]

Oh dear sister, you have my deepest sympathies!

Families are the greatest blessings and the ABSOLUTE greatest curse at the same time. You are responsible for neither their happiness, nor their prejudices. You cannot change them, just don't let them change you by making you bitter. If people want to be small minded and petty, any target will do.

Your plan for a three day cruise with ceremony, then moving on without them sounds truly inspired. Also, do you realize if you book a concierge level suite, there is a gate that non conc level passengers cannot get through?

I hope your plans work out. Let us know, ok?

 

[sleepydog25]

Thanks for all the support everyone. We can't afford to do a WDW ceremony AND a DCL one. So I think We may do something like this:
Do a 3 night VR cruise on the Dream, that way we don't have to be with them for an entire week in a confined space. And we may only have to eat dinner with them for one night of we do Palo and Remy. I'm a activity person, so I'm more than happy to let them know where I will be and they can join if they want but they are more the type to set up camp at the bar. And that's just fine by me....
Then Hang out at WDW for a day or two,
THEN head on a 7 night fantasy honeymoon cruise.

And yes, this is cheaper than a WDW ceremony, a DCL ceremony, WDW tickets and hotel, and a cruise.

With doing a 3 night with them, if they want to be excessively nasty then it only ruins 3 days, not a week.

Sounds like a plan. Best wishes!

 

[stl_figment]

Not to get into details, but I was worried about my family and his family also, we did the three day cruise for the wedding and it worked out fine.

Not to say we didn't have tense moments, but our time all together was limited so it really worked out well. We spent our honeymoon at Disney (but in retrospect wish we would have done another cruise).

Best of luck to you.