OT -3 year old is insisting on being carried

[cornflake]

I was fortunate enough to have children that were easy to raise. I have seen family members who have had multiple children with very different personalities. There are children who have personalities that normal discipline does not work for them. Different personalities require different disciplines.

Sure but just carrying him whenever he demands it and giving him what he wants when he pitches a fit to get it isn't any discipline at all.

 

[SaraJayne]

I was fortunate enough to have children that were easy to raise. I have seen family members who have had multiple children with very different personalities. There are children who have personalities that normal discipline does not work for them. Different personalities require different disciplines.

I agree that different personalities require different approaches. My children are very different, personality-wise. One is very bull-headed and difficult and the other is a people-pleaser and would be considered "easier".

That still doesn't mean I give into them.

 

[kohlby]

If my three year old wants to be carried, then I normally will carry him for short distances. He is 41" tall and I'm 61", but it's really not that hard. However, if he wants it for longer distances - or for something like grocery shopping -then it's not happening. It's just not possible. A 3 year old is old enough to understand it's too hard to carry him much. I tell him that he's getting so big so I can't carry him for longer distances anymore. You can tell your son that you can't carry him since he's big but he can have extra time in your lap. Or that your hubby can carry him. There's been times my husband has carried kids much older than 3 before just because he thought they might feel left out. They wouldn't have thrown a tantrum about it after 3, but he was in tune with their needs.

As for Disney, get him used to the stroller before you go if possible. None of my kids are stroller kids. That worked fine at Disney when my oldest was 3. It worked fine when my second child was 3 at Disney. It did not work with my youngest during our last trip - at 2.5 years old. He would not go in the stroller. And he would not walk. Luckily, I had thrown in a sling. He does have sensory issues so I'm sure that plays a part, but some is just being a normal 2/3 year old. That child is 3.5 years old now and does still have tantrums - it's not that uncommon at that age. I don't give in. If I say I won't carry him, then I don't. But I'm careful to only say what I really can't do. With a baby, it makes sense that you can't carry both. (Though there were many, many times I had to carry my first two at the same time. My oldest's sensory issues made him a wild child. That meant I often had to pick him up to leave wherever we were - and he was a huge kid. Thank goodness the baby was in the sling!)

 

[justhat]

Some of you really think a 3 year old is close to being a baby, and still a toddler?

At 3, both of my girls were reading, participating in sports, getting themselves dressed, and had simple chores to do around the house. It seems that the preschoolers being referred to as 'not far from being a baby' and 'toddler' are boys? Do moms baby their little boys more than their girls?

MSSANDRA, you're mentioning your son, so that feeds into my question - do moms coddle their boys more than their girls? Sounds like the answer is yes so far.

Actually, the infant/toddler years are the years that the brain does most of its hardwiring, so coddling, which I associate with learned dependence and a feeling of neediness, doesn't seem to really be helpful at all. This does not mean that a parent doesn't show love and affection, caring and security, but it does mean that encouraging independence as soon as possible helps a child become a more independent, productive person.

A very untestable theory I have, unless anyone wants to lend me their baby for 4-5 years, BTW I don't think anyone wants to be in the control group either, LOL! It's just one I've developed working in school systems for over 15 years.

I have 2 daughters and a son, and I truly don't think I coddle my son more than my girls. My youngest likely is carried the most simply because she's the youngest. When my oldest was her age (2.75yo), I already had #2, so she was not carried much since I had a baby. My 2nd was this age when I got pregnant with #3, so with my severe morning sickness, that pretty much ended him being carried. So I guess he got more time, but due to circumstance. He was always on the move though, so I can't say he actually wanted to be carried much at all. My 3rd, she gets held a lot, simply because it is easier to watch 3 of them if I have one in my arms. She HATES it for the most part and prefers to walk, but it just isn't always the easiest for me so she gets what she gets. And, incidentally, I was pregnant with #4 but had an ectopic pregnancy. In the 5 weeks I had morning sickness, she primarily walked too.

So anyway, I didn't really have a cutoff age for holding my kids if they asked to be held, regardless of gender. And all 3 were/are getting themselves dressed, in preschool, using the toilet, etc., well before age 3. (None of them were remotely reading by 3yo, but I don't see that as an independence or responsibility thing. My older 2 read at different ages, my oldest around 4.5yo when she started, but really "read" (like chapter books) at 5.5yo. My son was about 5.5yo when actual reading clicked together, but even now at 6yo he isn't nearly the reader his sister was at this age. We read with him just as much as we did with her, she just took off with a love of books that he hasn't quite found.) So they were definitely raised to be very independent, but I didn't see carrying them periodically as coddling.



OP, I think your issue is more with the tantruming and insisting you do what your son wants than carrying. I mean, I can see him turning this into "I want candy!!!" if you indulged the carrying, or whatever. See what I mean? I do think it is related to his sister, but still not something you should have to tolerate. I would keep holding firm, some kids take longer to realize you're serious than others. I have one like that. I would simply sit in the car till he is willing to walk to the car. For the grocery store, if he is in the cart and safe, I would keep shopping while he tantrums. I know it's annoying to everyone else, but I am sure he sees leaving as him "winning" in a sense. What 3yo wants to grocery shop? Alternative, bring a stroller and use the basket for your stuff. You have to go more often, but at least you can strap him in and walk around while knowing he can't jump out or whatever.

 

[mrsbornkuntry]

I just thought of something that would work with my DS when he was getting bigger, he has ODD so it's really easy to set off a tantrum with him so I would joke with him. He would ask me to carry him and I would look at him like "are you crazy?" and say "Are you kidding? I'm not strong enough to carry you, you're a strong boy though, how about you carry me?" That usually got him giggling and distracted him enough for me to do what I needed to do.

 

[Marnm02]

My 3 year old DD has no siblings, but whenever she spends any amount of time with a baby (a few of my friends have them) she will insist that she's a baby too, and she will only talk baby talk and insist on being carried everywhere. I'm thinking it's just a phase...

FWIW, we just got back from WDW and DD never did the "I'm a baby" thing, despite seeing many babies. We did argue a few times because she wanted to be a "big girl" and push her stroller, which wasn't a good idea in the crowds. I sure wish she'd just be happy to be her own age more often

 

[Sheaboys]

Some of you really think a 3 year old is close to being a baby, and still a toddler?

At 3, both of my girls were reading, participating in sports, getting themselves dressed, and had simple chores to do around the house. It seems that the preschoolers being referred to as 'not far from being a baby' and 'toddler' are boys? Do moms baby their little boys more than their girls?

No we don't..I am the mom to 5 Boys! I was taken back by this response, seriously. Now, none of my kids began sports at age 3, it is not offered in our small town, begins at age 4, for tball only and it used to be age 5, until last year they changed it. All of mine, have chores, even my 3 yr old. They all pick up after themselves. The older ones do much more. But the younger 2, pick up their dinner plates, keep their room clean, make their beds to the best of their ability and put their folded laundry away. They will even sweep and mop, or try too.
Is he still a toddler yes. Can he write his name yes, read simple letters, yes, count yes, write numbers, yes. Is he still a toddler yes. Can he dress himself, yes, put shoes on, button and zip his coats, yes. But is he still a toddler yes.
Is he a baby no, is he "the baby" yes. Does he ask to be carried, sometimes, sometimes he will stand at the top of the stairs and ask and won't budge. He is not jealous of anyone younger, since he is the youngest. It is just him testing how far I will go. Do I give in, depends on what I am doing.
I enjoy every minute of him wanting me to hug, kiss, carry him. Time goes by so fast. I now look at "my first born baby" who is now 14 and a freshmen in highschool and think, wow, that went by so fast.

I don't agree with giving in, to just give in, I don't agree with throwing tantrums. Each parent handles them differently and in their own way. If you feel strongly about not carrying him at a specific moment in time, then don't and stick to your guns. If you want to give in, then go, give in. He is not a 10 yr old asking to be carried.

 

[badblackpug]

OP,

All the arguing about babying and babies aside, I just thought of something.

My last 2 kids were close in age so there was a lot of jealousy about the baby from my daughter. As opposed to others who have answered, I don't see you as never wanting to pick the boy up, what I see is that he is demanding to be carried at a time or in a situation when it is not possible.

...but anyway, my daughter acted out so badly after the baby came. She was actually destructive! The stories are funny now, but at the time it was so exasperating. time when I went to put the baby down for a nap she went in the fridge and threw a dozen eggs on the floor (apparently 1 by 1) Another time she got an industrial sized jar of peanut butter out of the cabinet and was blissfully eating it with her hands and wiping them on the couch. She threw all the baby's clothes in the trash can. She took all his toys and hid them under her bed. Things were not fun, but it's funny now. She is 4, he is 2, almost 3.

...but I digress... I remember now, that that was about the time we decided she needed more socialization and stimulation. We started her in pre-school. She absolutely flourished. Maybe you could look into even a part time program?

 

[CaoilinnsMom]

My daughter, 3 1/2, likes to be carried often. She is tall and dense, all muscle. I put her on my back and carry her in my ergo. If you think this behavior can ruin your vacation, maybe try borrowing a carrier from a friend and trying it out. Go for some walks, tell him it is a special treat for tired little boys. Mine has kept me from leaving the grocery store many a time. You should be able to carry your son much longer distances than on your hip. I agree with the OP,this times precious. I am in no hurry for my little one to grow up and be independent. It will happen in it's own time.

 

[Schmeck]

No we don't..I am the mom to 5 Boys! I was taken back by this response, seriously. Now, none of my kids began sports at age 3, it is not offered in our small town, begins at age 4, for tball only and it used to be age 5, until last year they changed it. All of mine, have chores, even my 3 yr old. They all pick up after themselves. The older ones do much more. But the younger 2, pick up their dinner plates, keep their room clean, make their beds to the best of their ability and put their folded laundry away. They will even sweep and mop, or try too.
Is he still a toddler yes. Can he write his name yes, read simple letters, yes, count yes, write numbers, yes. Is he still a toddler yes. Can he dress himself, yes, put shoes on, button and zip his coats, yes. But is he still a toddler yes.
Is he a baby no, is he "the baby" yes. Does he ask to be carried, sometimes, sometimes he will stand at the top of the stairs and ask and won't budge. He is not jealous of anyone younger, since he is the youngest. It is just him testing how far I will go. Do I give in, depends on what I am doing.
I enjoy every minute of him wanting me to hug, kiss, carry him. Time goes by so fast. I now look at "my first born baby" who is now 14 and a freshmen in highschool and think, wow, that went by so fast.

I don't agree with giving in, to just give in, I don't agree with throwing tantrums. Each parent handles them differently and in their own way. If you feel strongly about not carrying him at a specific moment in time, then don't and stick to your guns. If you want to give in, then go, give in. He is not a 10 yr old asking to be carried.

Can I follow your family to observe? Just, kidding of course, but I am curious to see how all 5 boys (bless you!) develop, who moves out earliest, etc. I really do see a trend at our school - the youngest boy in the family, especially if he is the youngest sibling, seems to be the coddled, indulged child, very rarely half as successful in school as siblings, etc. This is especially true if the parents are divorced.

 

[justhat]

Can I follow your family to observe? Just, kidding of course, but I am curious to see how all 5 boys (bless you!) develop, who moves out earliest, etc. I really do see a trend at our school - the youngest boy in the family, especially if he is the youngest sibling, seems to be the coddled, indulged child, very rarely half as successful in school as siblings, etc. This is especially true if the parents are divorced.

That is usually the youngest child of any gender.

 

[pumpkinmomma]

My 3 yo pulls this on occasion and I don't give in to her. I have a bad back and I just physically cannot carry her for very long. It's frustrating.

She seems to do better if we make a game out of things, like we may practice hopping to the car or I may do like a stop and go race with her when we are walking somewhere.

I do try to give her a reason when I say no. I tell her, mommy can't carry you because her back is hurting so can you be my big helper instead. That seems to help a bit more than just saying "no" straight out.

 

[runsandjumps]

Buy a baby carrier like an ergo. He gets carried and you still can be hands free.

 

[powellrj]

That is usually the youngest child of any gender.

I had to laugh at that comment. For some reason several of us in my family have 2 older children and then a DD that came later in life. Our DDs are the most responsible ones in the group! We laugh that our DDs had to be responsible since they have old people for parents!

She is 16 now, but she was never the baby of the family. One memory that I will always have of her is when she was 3 and she would put that hand on her hip and point her other finger at her 16 year old brother and tell him what was what!

 

[nessz79]

Can I follow your family to observe? Just, kidding of course, but I am curious to see how all 5 boys (bless you!) develop, who moves out earliest, etc. I really do see a trend at our school - the youngest boy in the family, especially if he is the youngest sibling, seems to be the coddled, indulged child, very rarely half as successful in school as siblings, etc. This is especially true if the parents are divorced.

Wow, that was a lot of generalizing in one statement.

This thread has a lot of bias against boys. Individuals are individuals, regardless of gender, birth order, or whether or not their parents are divorced.

As a wife of a youngest son (who is more successful than his older brother by far), and the mother to two boys who are both doing well in school, these sorts of statements get under my skin.

 

[antree]

The family I sit for had a 3 yr old that wanted to be carried for every little thing after her brother was born. you have to stay strong and not give in. This little girl had her parents carrying her and a car seat at the the same, they made multiple trips to the car and house for her. The mother finally stood strong and said no more. She said to her DD walk to the car or you stay here at the sitters and she went to the car. She went kicking and screaming but she did it. When they left their house she was told they would leave her there if she didn't walk to the car. She screamed and cried but finally would go to the car, if she didn't get out of the car, they told her they would leave her there. Now, they were not mean, just stated the fact she was old enough to walk and there are times that they can't carry her. If she didn't want to walk while they were out then she can get in the stroller. After a couple of weeks the crying and screaming stopped. Now, she knows there are times they can't carry her and she no longer flips out.
Good luck and stand strong.

 

[SaraJayne]

Wow, that was a lot of generalizing in one statement.

This thread has a lot of bias against boys. Individuals are individuals, regardless of gender, birth order, or whether or not their parents are divorced.

As a wife of a youngest son (who is more successful than his older brother(s) by far), and the mother to two boys who are both doing well in school, these sorts of statements get under my skin.

 

[North of Mouse]

When I read posts like these, the first thing that comes into my mind is - who's the parent here? Some things need to be "nipped in the bud". Most children try all sorts of things to get attention and it's perfectly normal. It's the parents reactions to these situations that is the problem, not the child

Our three were as much loved as any other children could be, but we were very consistent in setting and enforcing boundaries. Our oldest, at three when her brother was born, tried different angles to get the "one upmanship", but soon learned that she was still much loved, but could not get away with such behavior. No whining in our home either, just shows very unhappy children. I think that's one of the things that upset me the most at Disney, grocery stores, (anywhere) is when parents allow their children to constantly whine because they aren't getting their way, but yet the parents won't shut them up (another thing that must not be allowed to start to begin with).

 

[justhat]

I had to laugh at that comment. For some reason several of us in my family have 2 older children and then a DD that came later in life. Our DDs are the most responsible ones in the group! We laugh that our DDs had to be responsible since they have old people for parents!

She is 16 now, but she was never the baby of the family. One memory that I will always have of her is when she was 3 and she would put that hand on her hip and point her other finger at her 16 year old brother and tell him what was what!

Sounds like my 3rd! She's only 3.5 years younger than my 2nd, but is definitely Miss Independent. She constantly shuts down her older siblings like that.

She does, however, play the baby card when she wants to. As in, she knows that if she shrieks at her brother and looks at us with terrified eyes, he'll get in trouble. Even if she instigated, she knows she's little and can get away with stuff, wrong as it is. She might not be the youngest forever, but she at least has another year ahead of her (I just had an ectopic pregnancy so I know it'll be months before I consider another one), so she'd be at least 4yo before she became a big sister so I think she'll play that "youngest card" for awhile.

I do wonder for the future though, like our oldest just has that drive to be the best in everything, #2 wants to be just like his sister, #3 could care less about anyone. So it makes me think about how that will translate academically and career-wise.


My husband is 3 of 4, and I am 3 of 3, and both of us are more successful than our older siblings too. And my husband's younger brother is in line with his 2nd sister.



ETA: My point though was that the comment that other poster made about youngest boys is not specific to boys. That can be the youngest either way, just depends on the kid and how the parents react. For awhile I thought I was done at 3, so I definitely wanted to keep my 3rd a baby as long as possible. But then I realized she still needed to grow up like the others and loosened the reigns. Then we thought we were having another so it was that much more important to encourage her independence. But I would have been like that girl or boy.

 

[Sheaboys]

Can I follow your family to observe? Just, kidding of course, but I am curious to see how all 5 boys (bless you!) develop, who moves out earliest, etc. I really do see a trend at our school - the youngest boy in the family, especially if he is the youngest sibling, seems to be the coddled, indulged child, very rarely half as successful in school as siblings, etc. This is especially true if the parents are divorced.

Yes, they all develop differently. When ds3 was 3 and in preschool, he was that kid you had to peel him off of me, but fine once I was gone. I never treated him differently than the older 2 (the first 3 are each 2yrs apart, almost exactly). That year, I was pregnant with ds4. Once ds4 was born (august) and ds3 was in his second year of preschool he was fine, no attachment issues at all. DS4 had no attachment issues either, nor does ds5 (he is the baby and is 3.5). All have gone to preschool, all have done different activities. None of them have needed a sibling or a friend to play with at all times, they all have done their own things (legos, blocks, cars, trucks, outside play), without having to have another person there to entertain them. My boys, cook, clean, do laundry, clean their bathroom toilet etc. Do I snuggle with them and coddle them, sometimes, but they are also all very independent. Has one learned to read earlier than another, yes, better than another yes. DS4 is severely apraxic (speech), but smart, smart, smart, just does not have the words to express what he is thinking, it is a big process for him. Whereas, ds5, is counting to 20 forward and backwards, writes his name, knows the letters, sings the alphabet, etc. Ds4, can barely do any of that. DS1 is in honor classes, DS2 will follow with that, only difference is ds1 does not study, ds2 has to study, ds3 needs to really work at school, ds5 will not have to work hard. Potty training the first 3 were text book trainers. All just before age 3. DS4 took forever and at age 6, still sometimes has an accident at night. DS5 trained himself at 2.5 yrs, never wore pullups at night, never ever had an accident during day or night. He just put on underwear one day and did it. Whereas, ds1 was 8 before he rode bike without training wheels, ds2 taught himself in the basement at age 6, ds3 was 5, ds4 was 4 riding no training wheels, ds5 is not ready yet, but I am willing to bet will be riding no training wheels before he turns 4 or shortly after. Talking for all 5, was all over the board, from age 8 months to age 4 (due to apraxia). We are not divorced, but very stable household. Very busy household to say the least.