Is this party favor just going to cause hurt feelings?

[kacaju]

The thing is, its easy for us to think that the girls wouldn't feel hurt but man, 6th, 7th and 8th grade years are brutal. Wearing a tshirt displaying a party that about half the girls were not invited to is hurtful. Aren't some parents bright enough to say, "No honey, please choose another top to wear to school..." If not, they're just as low as the girls, IMO.

6th, 7th and and 8th graders (boys and girls) are brutal.. I serve them lunch 5 days a week!!
Seriously...at that age I really do not pick out their clothes and would never tell my 7th grader not to wear a shirt like that if it was within the schools dress code.

Heck...half the time I could not even tell you what my dd12 is wearing until she gets into the lunch room to say hi to me.


My dd12 tried out for and made a travel softball team that one of her friends tried out for and did not make. Are you telling me I am a bad parent for allowing my dd to wear the team sweatshirt to school?

Do you feel she is rubbing in the face of the other girl who did NOT make the team?

About half the girls did not get invited to this party....it is not like 1 or 2 did not.

There are kids who are way more sensitive to this kind of stuff then other kids...both boys and girls...and it is a PARENTS job to see that if YOU have a kid like that to make sure YOU give them the tools to deal with these kinds of situations... it is not my job to make sure my kid does not offend your kid by wearing a party favor.

 

[kacaju]

It's pretty hurtful. You cannot deny that. If you're at school and you invite only the "cool" kids and none of the rest, it really puts a bad taste in everyone's mouth.

Just like with everyone else, send invites to all (doesn't mean they'll come) and deal with whats been dealt.

Girls are horrible sometimes.

I have never ever invited *all* to my girls parties...Having a 19, 16 and 12 year old...we have had our fair share of parties.

 

[TeresaNJ]

6th, 7th and and 8th graders (boys and girls) are brutal.. I serve them lunch 5 days a week!!
Seriously...at that age I really do not pick out their clothes and would never tell my 7th grader not to wear a shirt like that if it was within the schools dress code.

Heck...half the time I could not even tell you what my dd12 is wearing until she gets into the lunch room to say hi to me.


My dd12 tried out for and made a travel softball team that one of her friends tried out for and did not make. Are you telling me I am a bad parent for allowing my dd to wear the team sweatshirt to school?

Do you feel she is rubbing in the face of the other girl who did NOT make the team?

About half the girls did not get invited to this party....it is not like 1 or 2 did not.

There are kids who are way more sensitive to this kind of stuff then other kids...both boys and girls...and it is a PARENTS job to see that if YOU have a kid like that to make sure YOU give them the tools to deal with these kinds of situations... it is not my job to make sure my kid does not offend your kid by wearing a party favor.

Bravo!

 

[kidzmom3]

I have three children and the youngest is now 14. There are so many things they have done that resulted in a t-shirt, sweatshirt, bow, bracelet etc....that only the participants have. I think its rather ridiculous to even have this conversation.

Sports teams, have bonding night were they all make a tshirt or some other clothing item. Sometimes it has a picture, sometimes its just signatures and catch phrases. They are proud to wear them. Championship jackets and sweatshirts. Not everyone will do everything in this life.

My daughter and her best friend went to London together for 3 weeks. They have many clothing souvenirs. They wear them all the time. They are friendly with several other girls, all who could not go. Maybe they were sad they couldn't go....maybe they felt jealousy.....but that is life, all the girls remain great friends with no problems.

 

[TeresaNJ]

When I was in a Catholic grade school, the girls who were in Girl Scouts were allowed to wear their GS uniforms to school on certain occasions. Oh how I wanted to be a GS, but my mother wouldn't allow it. I was so envious the days the Girl Scouts were allowed to wear their uniforms, but did I go home and cry about it, or feel a lesser person, or unworthy? No! We can not cater to every person who may feel bad about something. Dear Lord, if we keep going down this road of out of control PC, we'll have no freedoms left! Teach kids that they are all individuals, and don't need to be part of some special pact where everyone is treated the same.

I also was a cheerleader in HS. I guess I shouldn't have worn my cheerleading uniform to school on the days of the pep rally so as not to offend or make the girls who didn't make the squad feel bad, and believe me, I'm sure there were plenty who did.

It's a sad day when we have to worry about hurting someone's feelings because of an article of clothing.

 

[hereyago]

6th grade is middle school where I live. They are not little kids where they are besties with everyone in the class and want to go to parties for someone they don't like. Once again: it would be different if they hurtfully rubbed it in someone's face,but wearing a t shirt to school is not the same thing. If I go to Hawaii and come back with a picutre and someone who hasn't been gets their feelings hurt,as an adult the suck it up buttercup rule still applies. Dd14 will be going to NYC on spring break,not everyone can or wants to go,but dd has never cried a river because someone was able to go some place she hasn't been yet. Life doesn't equal to you getting what you want 24 7, everyone feels disappointment at one time or another. It is called being in the real world harsh at times,good at other times.

 

[luvmy3]

It's pretty hurtful. You cannot deny that. If you're at school and you invite only the "cool" kids and none of the rest, it really puts a bad taste in everyone's mouth.

Just like with everyone else, send invites to all (doesn't mean they'll come) and deal with whats been dealt.

Girls are horrible sometimes.

Yes, it can most certainly be denied. Seeing that girl wearing that shirt may hurt you, but that doesn't mean the intent was to be hurtful. Are there girls who would do it to be intentionally hurtful, of course, but that is no reason to assume they all would be. That says more about your issues than it does about the girl wearing the shirt.

This having to protect everyone from hurt feelings is getting ridiculous. Its not my job to worry about every and any kids that may be hurt by something. Its their parents job to teach them how to deal with real life.

Oh and BTW its not the "cool" kids, its your kid's friends. My kids are not allowed to invite their entire class, they are allowed to invite the friends they want at the party. If you aren't a close friend you probably won't make the list, even if you are "cool".

 

[sam_gordon]

I'm curious, if we take how people "should feel" out and answer the question:

Do you think that the 14/26 6th grade girls who weren't invited might feel bad if other girls wear those shirts when they are all together at school?

Yes or no.

Can you answer "no?"

Sure, someone MIGHT feel bad, but now we have to judge our actions based on how someone MIGHT feel? It doesn't matter whether they're justified in their feelings or not, we should take that into account?

It's pretty hurtful. You cannot deny that. If you're at school and you invite only the "cool" kids and none of the rest, it really puts a bad taste in everyone's mouth.

Just like with everyone else, send invites to all (doesn't mean they'll come) and deal with whats been dealt.

Girls are horrible sometimes.

I'll agree girls can be horrible sometimes, but you REALLY feel 6th graders should invite entire classes and just hope some don't show up?

I hope you guys don't let your kids wear WDW clothing to school. After all, other kids MIGHT feel bad they didn't get to go. :

Heck do you tell your kids not to speak of Disney since not everyone can afford it?

We posted at the same time. I have to kind of laugh that you apparently noticed I didn't read your post! (kind of funny given the "people don't notice or care" theme we have going.)

I don't tend to just worry about my own kids, or just kids with strong self esteems, or "most kids." I worry about the kids who are vulnerable. Eleven year old girls are pretty vulnerable. (I don't have girls, but I've taught that age group.) If I think there's one kid who might be hurt, I think it's worth avoiding and would encourage my own child not to wear the shirt to school.

Again, I hope you don't allow your kids to wear souvenir shirts from Disney, concerts, shows, etc.

 

[hereyago]

I just thought of something: our middle school has about 7 subjects a day,that is a lot of students to have to invite to be PC,lol. And dd didn't like everyone and there were kids I am sure felt the same way.by this age they have formed their friend groups and it isn't everyone included.

 

[sookie]

I'm in the minority in feeling like you do OP. Just not necessary. I have only sons, and they all realize that they will NOT be invited to every event. They also are kind enough not to discuss parties they attended in the presence of people that weren't included. I almost feel the intent of such a shirt is to show who was included, and thus, excluded. I would never do it. There are so many great things you could give.

I would agree with this.

You can be friends with anyone you want. You can have parties with anyone you want. You can take pictures with anyone you want.

But when you start posting those pictures and wearing them - that is when it can start to hurt other people. Sure, you can say "grow up", but if you are considerate in the first place, you would never want to put the other person in that situation. That is what manners are all about.

It is an etiquette thing.

As an aside - with a very small class, I would be very careful about starting a trend with the inclusion and exclusion of children, especially with girls. If you are going to have a large party, and you are going to invite everyone but a few girls, you need to decide how that will affect the group dynamics.

 

[luvsJack]

6th, 7th and and 8th graders (boys and girls) are brutal.. I serve them lunch 5 days a week!!
Seriously...at that age I really do not pick out their clothes and would never tell my 7th grader not to wear a shirt like that if it was within the schools dress code.

Heck...half the time I could not even tell you what my dd12 is wearing until she gets into the lunch room to say hi to me.


My dd12 tried out for and made a travel softball team that one of her friends tried out for and did not make. Are you telling me I am a bad parent for allowing my dd to wear the team sweatshirt to school?

Do you feel she is rubbing in the face of the other girl who did NOT make the team?

About half the girls did not get invited to this party....it is not like 1 or 2 did not.

There are kids who are way more sensitive to this kind of stuff then other kids...both boys and girls...and it is a PARENTS job to see that if YOU have a kid like that to make sure YOU give them the tools to deal with these kinds of situations... it is not my job to make sure my kid does not offend your kid by wearing a party favor.

In all fairness, you are not comparing apples to oranges.

Being part of the "in crowd" or the "cool kids" or whatever is a big thing at this age.

Not making the team can be hurtful, yes, but its not the same thing as feeling left out.

Dd has always been sensitive to not letting anyone feel left out, so truthfully, I don't see her wearing something like this.

With that said, if the girls wearing the shirts were not doing it to be mean or to make anyone feel not included, then there is no problem. Really, the problem would not be the shirts, it would be the attitudes of the girls wearing them.

 

[sookie]

I just wanted to say too that I can only handle about 4 extra girls at my house. My daughter is in 6th grade and 5 is about my max!!!!! LOL

I have never seen a t-shirt come out of a slumber party. We have been sent some pictures from birthday parties though - that is about it. My daughter has never complained. She is in rotating classes now so inviting everyone to her birthday parties or sleepover parties would be completely impractical. But I would never go to the lengths of making a shirt to display a large slumber party. I think it is a little over the top.

I think that wearing the shirts outside of school would probably not be an issue, but in a very small class that maybe wearing them in school might be if there was a clique problem.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Okay, what the heck... I will put in my two cents worth.

I think it is funny that some of the things posted by those on one side of the fence, could actually be used to argue for those on the other side!

While I can not say that I know enough about this one situation to make a good judgement call... I have to say that, YES, as one poster said above, kids at this age are brutal. They just are... So that def. supports the argument that this was def. something to promote a 'clique'. I really do not see how that aspect of this could be overlooked, when it comes to a big birthday party, at these girls particular age. And, unfortunately, too many mothers are still emotionally/psychologically like middle-school aged girls, instead of middle-aged grown women. I just can't ignore that huge probability. I could never imagine even doing such a thing myself... EVER... Making a photo scapbook of the memories and comradary, certainly!!!! But, a T-shirt to be worn.... ummmmmm. NO.

One poster mentioned, like, 'ohhh it 's no different than sharing vacation pictures.' I have to laugh!!!!! Do they not realize how indulgent and narcissistic and presumptuous it is to place others in the position of spending time acting like they care about YOUR photos/slideshow, etc... Can they not see the negative reaction, and the hidden eye-rolls????

If one person makes a team, or is accepted into an organization... that is the one person.. They not only have the right to wear the official shirt, t-shirt, etc... But, it is often a required part of their responsibility.

Def. completely apples to oranges....

And, an official organization or sports team is just not the same as a birthday party clique. And, often it is limited as to where the person can display these things. It is NOT okay for my son to wear his scout shirt unless it is at an event sanctioned by, and encouraged by, the scout organization.

While I am taking a middle ground here in the OP's situation, as we just do not know. For the reasons just described, I am leaning way, way, towards the 'tasteless', 'exclusive', 'clique', 'immature', 'narcissitiic', with negative undertones, type of behavior. I really do not see how it could be anything but.

 

[mdsoccermom]

I would agree with this.

You can be friends with anyone you want. You can have parties with anyone you want. You can take pictures with anyone you want.

But when you start posting those pictures and wearing them - that is when it can start to hurt other people. Sure, you can say "grow up", but if you are considerate in the first place, you would never want to put the other person in that situation. That is what manners are all about.

It is an etiquette thing.

As an aside - with a very small class, I would be very careful about starting a trend with the inclusion and exclusion of children, especially with girls. If you are going to have a large party, and you are going to invite everyone but a few girls, you need to decide how that will affect the group dynamics.

It wasn't just a few girls that weren't invited. It was 14, more that half the girls.

Etiquette would dictate that you don't rub it in one's face that they weren't invited. I don't think it dictates that once the party is over, you never give any indication that it happened.

 

[happygirl]

I think it mean for the girls to wear those shirts, To me it kinda of like HAHA look like what we did and you didn't get to

 

[handinpocket]

Much ado about nothing. Just goes to show how drama laden girls and their mothers are. Not everyone gets an invite, deal with it, life isn't fair buttercup.

 

[kacaju]

I think it mean for the girls to wear those shirts, To me it kinda of like HAHA look like what we did and you didn't get to

I do not see it that way..If the op said ALL the girls who were at the party ALL wore their shirts on the same day then yes...but she said only 1 girl wore the shirt.

 

[awoogala]

I agree with you. Obviously, not everyone is going to be at every party, but wearing a shirt in front of everyone like that can be very hurtful and mean. No reason to be so in your face about it. 6th grade is a horrible time of life for many girl-it's usually when they really experience the mean girls and exclusionary behavior.
Hopefully, the mother just didn't think it all the way through, and the effect it would have on those left out.
I also would not let my daughter wear it in front of all the girls who weren't invited.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Etiquette would dictate that you don't rub it in one's face that they weren't invited.

Exactly...
And, we all know about how middle school, mean-girls, handle 'etiquette'.
That is why I lean way over towards the 'cliquesh', 'immature', 'exclusionary', 'negative', side of this thing.

This mom REALLY should have known better.

How could anyone NOT...

 

[nmmom95]

Much ado about nothing. Just goes to show how drama laden girls and their mothers are. Not everyone gets an invite, deal with it, life isn't fair buttercup.

I completely agree, especially with the bolded. In the case of a pp, where 8 of 9 children were invited, I think it would be mean to "rub it in." If less than half of the girls were invited, it's completely different. I don't see how a party invitation and favor translates into a birthday party clique.