Is this party favor just going to cause hurt feelings?

[disykat]

I'm curious, if we take how people "should feel" out and answer the question:

Do you think that the 14/26 6th grade girls who weren't invited might feel bad if other girls wear those shirts when they are all together at school?

Yes or no.

Can you answer "no?"

 

[BanditsMommy]

I am getting the feeling that a lot of you we're far cooler than me in 6th grade and just got invited to most things or you went to a really nice school where girls were never passive aggressive. I remember feeling hurt when my whole group of friends thought that I was bringing down their "cool factor" and they stopped inviting me to parties and talked about them near me just to make me feel worse. There are some girls that aren't considered cool and get invited to nothing ever and I think that's bad enough without others needing to wear a shirt that proclaims they are included and you're not. It's one thing to suspect you're being left out, but it's different to see it clear as day on a shirt. I didn't expect to be invited to anyone's party, but that shirt might be reminding some girls that they've never been invited to anyone's party.

I don't believe everyone needs to be included in everything, and goodness knows that there are a lot of events I turn down now because I'd rather not be included, but 11 year old girls are not always the angels you think they are. You don't have to be so overt as to say "haha you weren't invited" to have the same effect. Think about this, would you feel comfortable letting those girls take those pictures to school and have them be passed around to the entire class? I doubt it. Why is the shirt any different?

To clarify, I don't think every girl is that mean, but I think people give a lot of credit to the idea that they aren't doing this to look cool or more popular.

 

[Hrhpd]

OP- here . Thanks to the people who get what I'm saying. This isn't about should the mom have invited all the girls at school.
I think by 6th grade kids know not everyone is invited to parties but is it ok to show off who was/ wasn't invited? Those of you with kids- do you encourage your children to tell the uninvited children all about the fun they had at the party? That's what the shirt is saying with a picture, not words. Some of these girls thought that they were good friends with party hostess. How many adults would feel left out if they came to work on Monday and half of the people there were wearing photo shirts of a party? Now let's say that a lot of the people wearing them are your friends, not just coworkers and they talk about the party all day right in front of you.
My point is that a lot of parents don't teach their kids manners about not talking about parties in front of those who were not invited. That is something I have taught my girls whether it's their own party or a party in which they are invited.

And the overwhelming majority have said that the shirts are completely ok party favor and wearing them is ok.

Now, if the shirt wearers were going around saying "I was invited and you were not," then that would be different.

But just wearing them is not an insult to those not invited and it is not rubbing it in their faces.

And no, I would not be upset if anybody discussed a party in front of me. Again, I do not expect nor do my children expect to be invited to single party.

I teach my kids not to rub it if they were invited and a friend was not. T hey would not purposely go up to an uninvited guest and start waxing over how fun the party was. However, I never teach my kids to walk on eggshells if they are around those that are not invited. And wearing a tshirt is not rubbing it in.

Was your daughter one of the 14 not invited?

 

[ADisneyQueen]

Tinkernfun- seriously, you would let your child talk to another girl about a party she attended and all the fun they had when that girl was uninvited and feeling left out? That kind of rudeness will not help your child in life.

 

[Disney Doll]

Boys can do it too. I taught special ed, and had a class of 9 boys. A parent invited 8 of the 9 boys to a "rock band" party. The child excluded was not a bully or mean or anything that , he was a kind of shy, very sweet very sweet kid in a class where the other kids were more active.

I had already spoken to mom about the party twice. Once when she sent in invites for me to pass out (I refused, as our policy is to only pass out invites when the whole class is invited), and once when her child was teasing the univited child and I called her.

At the party, they made a video. On the next rainy day, mom sent it in with a note "Here's something fun to watch at indoor recess!" It was unlabeled, but luckily I figured out what it was.

Now that's mean. I mean not inviting one kid. Not showing the viseo was really nice.

BUt an event where more than 1/2 the kids weren't invited? Sorry...that's not mean, that's just life.

 

[mdsoccermom]

I'm curious, if we take how people "should feel" out and answer the question:

Do you think that the 14/26 6th grade girls who weren't invited might feel bad if other girls wear those shirts when they are all together at school?

Yes or no.

Can you answer "no?"

I can absolutely answer no. At least, a child that was raised to be confident and to understand that life isn't fair can. We've also been doing the bat/bat mitzvah circuit. There have been some my daughter has not been invited to, including a couple for girls in her religious school class. She's seen the favors and seen pictures and she's absolutely fine with it.

Frankly, I think the only people that truly feel bad are the parents who end up making much ado about nothing.

 

[disykat]

Was your daughter one of the 14 not invited?

Why would that matter? And why would her opinion be different if she was?

The question is "do you think anyone's feelings might be hurt?"

No one wants to answer that question.

 

[mdsoccermom]

Why would that matter? And why would her opinion be different if she was?

The question is "do you think anyone's feelings might be hurt?"

No one wants to answer that question.

I did answer the question. No, I do not feel like most kids' feelings will be hurt. And frankly, I think it's the parents who get bent out of shape the most, not the kids.

 

[ADisneyQueen]

My daughter was invited, but there were several in my Girl Scout troop that were not. My daughter felt very badly about the girls who weren't invited and would never wear the shirt to school.

 

[pigletgirl]

I don't think it is mean, especially for upper elementary. I think it is a cute idea and doubt it was created to show "exclusive membership." How would it be different than someone mentioning something that happend at the party?

Kids need to understand they're not going to be included in everything and it isn't like she invited all but 1 or 2 girls.

It's pretty hurtful. You cannot deny that. If you're at school and you invite only the "cool" kids and none of the rest, it really puts a bad taste in everyone's mouth.

Just like with everyone else, send invites to all (doesn't mean they'll come) and deal with whats been dealt.

Girls are horrible sometimes.

 

[Tinker'n'Fun]

I'm curious, if we take how people "should feel" out and answer the question:

Do you think that the 14/26 6th grade girls who weren't invited might feel bad if other girls wear those shirts when they are all together at school?

Yes or no.

Can you answer "no?"

Neither my daughter or son would have felt bad if they were not invited and did not have a shirt. I am being serious, it would not bother them, so my answer is "no".

 

[Tinker'n'Fun]

Tinkernfun- seriously, you would let your child talk to another girl about a party she attended and all the fun they had when that girl was uninvited and feeling left out? That kind of rudeness will not help your child in life.

Yes I would allow my daughter to talk about where she went and what she did. Would I allow her to say, haha, nana, you didn't go.NO... but I would not forbid her to not speak about the party.

Heck do you tell your kids not to speak of Disney since not everyone can afford it?

 

[Coconut36]

Why would that matter? And why would her opinion be different if she was?

The question is "do you think anyone's feelings might be hurt?"

No one wants to answer that question.

Sure they do and have. No I don't think feelings would be hurt. By 6th grade kids should be more than capable of realizing you don't get invited to every party, every person is not your friend and people will do things that don't include you. These kids are more than old enough to realize that.

 

[Minnesota!]

My daughter has shirts like that, we even made sweatshirts at one of her birthday parties. My daughter is not friends with everyone in her class and I never expected her to invite everyone to each party.

Unless a friend did something really wrong I gave her the freedom to pick her own friends and if someone was wearing one of these shirts and she was not invited, she would have been fine. They realized that not everyone gets invited to all parties.

I agree. From day 1 I have told my sons that they will not be friends with everyone, and that not everyone will want to be friends with them. The shirt is not a big deal. Seems like some thicker skin is needed for anyone that has a problem with it!

 

[disykat]

I did answer the question. No, I do not feel like most kids' feelings will be hurt. And frankly, I think it's the parents who get bent out of shape the most, not the kids.

We posted at the same time. I have to kind of laugh that you apparently noticed I didn't read your post! (kind of funny given the "people don't notice or care" theme we have going.)

I don't tend to just worry about my own kids, or just kids with strong self esteems, or "most kids." I worry about the kids who are vulnerable. Eleven year old girls are pretty vulnerable. (I don't have girls, but I've taught that age group.) If I think there's one kid who might be hurt, I think it's worth avoiding and would encourage my own child not to wear the shirt to school.

 

[pigletgirl]

The thing is, its easy for us to think that the girls wouldn't feel hurt but man, 6th, 7th and 8th grade years are brutal. Wearing a tshirt displaying a party that about half the girls were not invited to is hurtful. Aren't some parents bright enough to say, "No honey, please choose another top to wear to school..." If not, they're just as low as the girls, IMO.

 

[Tinker'n'Fun]

The thing is, its easy for us to think that the girls wouldn't feel hurt but man, 6th, 7th and 8th grade years are brutal. Wearing a tshirt displaying a party that about half the girls were not invited to is hurtful. Aren't some parents bright enough to say, "No honey, please choose another top to wear to school..." If not, they're just as low as the girls, IMO.

We have to agree to disagree as I don't see my daughter, many or her friends, or myself as "low".

 

[ICF]

Cool party favor idea and I dont see a problem in wearing the shirt.

These girls are 12 years old or so there was no need to invite 26 girls to a party just to avoid hurt feelings.

 

[descovy]

OP- here . Thanks to the people who get what I'm saying. This isn't about should the mom have invited all the girls at school.
I think by 6th grade kids know not everyone is invited to parties but is it ok to show off who was/ wasn't invited? Those of you with kids- do you encourage your children to tell the uninvited children all about the fun they had at the party? That's what the shirt is saying with a picture, not words. Some of these girls thought that they were good friends with party hostess. How many adults would feel left out if they came to work on Monday and half of the people there were wearing photo shirts of a party? Now let's say that a lot of the people wearing them are your friends, not just coworkers and they talk about the party all day right in front of you.
My point is that a lot of parents don't teach their kids manners about not talking about parties in front of those who were not invited. That is something I have taught my girls whether it's their own party or a party in which they are invited.

I guess I think we need to stop allowing ourselves & our children to get offended when no offense is meant. It's a very self-absorbed way of viewing the world... that every action is about you.

Why is the girl wearing the shirt?

A. Because her other friend had a birthday party and gave it to her as a souvineer. She likes the shirt and photo of her with the birthday girl

or

B. So she could make me feel bad because I wasn't invited to the party.


Kids start life thinking that the world revolves around them. They see a cow out the car window and think that cow was put there so they have something to see on the car ride.

At some point, children need to develop the sense that the world does not revolve around them. If they get their feelings hurt, our role as caring adults should be to help them work through their feelings & learn to see an outside perspective.

Our role should not be to cover everything up, and dare not let them feel any sad emotion. How will kids grow and learn if we take all life lessons away?

You mentioned you are a 6th grade GS leader. Has your troop considered which Journey (if any) they want to work on in Cadettes? While I am not the biggest cheerleader for the Journey program, I think the Amaze Journey might be a great choice for your troop. It is all about the twists & turns of friendship and how to resolve conflicts. I also remember the girls talking about many instances when someone was mad at them and they didn't realize they did anything wrong. We had a lot of good discussion just going through the girls book.

One game the girls enjoyed was Ask the Expert. You might try it even if you don't do the Amaze journey. The girls rotated through where 3 of them would be the experts and one would ask a REAL LIFE question. (Ex my friend isn't talking to me and i don't know why?) Then the 3 experts would answer the question. (everyone took a turn being an expert) What was great was it brought up REAL conversation and REAL answers (3 different perspectives!) from their peers. My co-leader and I spoke up very little, the girls were either right on, or willing to hash it out. We planned 15 min for this game and they took an hour! they liked it so much they taught it to a 5th grade troop.

 

[fortwildernessishome]

It's pretty hurtful. You cannot deny that. If you're at school and you invite only the "cool" kids and none of the rest, it really puts a bad taste in everyone's mouth.

Just like with everyone else, send invites to all (doesn't mean they'll come) and deal with whats been dealt.

Girls are horrible sometimes.

My guys are in their upper teens now, so no more Birthday parties. However, we never sent invites to everyone they knew.......there is just no way, I ever would have allowed that. Not only did they have classmates, but they had good friends on several sports teams, had friends in art class, had friends in church.

Why would we send invites to everyone in their school class, including kids they really werent friends, and not invite their actual friends from their other activites?? Please dont suggest we should have invited them all, because if that was the case, you are talking about 50+ kids they were involved with.

I guess, I just dont get the "deal with whats been dealt" mentality that every classmate must be invited!