Venting-Visiting the World with someone who doesn't want to be there

[Kristi391]

So another thread about people not having fun got me thinking and worrying about my upcoming trip so I decided to vent here.

My family and I are going for a long weekend next weekend, checking in on Friday the 12 and leaving late on Monday the 15. It is going to be myself, my parents, my youngest brother and his girlfriend, my middle brother, his wife and 2.5 year old nephew.

The problem is my middle brother. He does not want to go and is being miserable about the whole thing.

A bit of back story:
I had wanted to go down to celebrate my upcoming 40th birthday with all of us. When I presented it to middle brother over the summer he immediately said "No" He said he and his wife were going down next spring (renting DVC points from my cousin) and couldn't justify spending $$ to go down in the fall. A few days later my mom told me that my dad might have lung cancer (He has already had bladder and throat cancer) and he was seeing a pulmonary doc in the next week. At that point I made the decision that I was going to get us all down there. Since my nephew was born, dad has been talking about taking him to WDW. So, I decided I would book the rooms and tickets by either taking out a 401k loan or just using my Disney Visa, which has no balance (I know not a smart money move) so my dad would get this chance to spend with his grandson. So, fast forward and brother agreed to go, stating he had no choice. Dad is beyond excited. (Just polyps on his lungs, btw so that is good news)

So, knowing brother is not excited about the trip, I haven't brought up anything about it to him, just telling him when we were going and what hotel we are staying at. I have talked to his wife and we made some ADRs and talked about things that would be good for the toddler.

So last weekend we went out for ice cream and sister in law and I are talking about breakfast at Hollywood and Vine and brother pipes in, "We have to go to breakfast on this vacation?" Then started asking some other questions and complaining about things such as, busses, the hotel, getting up early and the halloween party. I have told him he doesn't have to go to any of the things planned but he just grumbled that he wasn't going to skip it.

SIL says that he will be fine once we get down there, but I am just frustrated. I am trying to do something nice for my family and brother just seems intent on being a PIA about it. I just feel that he agreed to go so he should suck it up and stop complaining! I am also nervous tht every little thing that might go wrong (weather, long lines, a spider in his room) he is going to blame on me. Which, clearly I know isn't my fault, but I don't like to have to listen to it.

Everyone else is very excited about going and busy making Peter Pan themed costumes!

Ok, thanks for listening

 

[Marionnette]

So another thread about people not having fun got me thinking and worrying about my upcoming trip so I decided to vent here.

My family and I are going for a long weekend next weekend, checking in on Friday the 12 and leaving late on Monday the 15. It is going to be myself, my parents, my youngest brother and his girlfriend, my middle brother, his wife and 2.5 year old nephew.

The problem is my middle brother. He does not want to go and is being miserable about the whole thing.

A bit of back story:
I had wanted to go down to celebrate my upcoming 40th birthday with all of us. When I presented it to middle brother over the summer he immediately said "No" He said he and his wife were going down next spring (renting DVC points from my cousin) and couldn't justify spending $$ to go down in the fall. A few days later my mom told me that my dad might have lung cancer (He has already had bladder and throat cancer) and he was seeing a pulmonary doc in the next week. At that point I made the decision that I was going to get us all down there. Since my nephew was born, dad has been talking about taking him to WDW. So, I decided I would book the rooms and tickets by either taking out a 401k loan or just using my Disney Visa, which has no balance (I know not a smart money move) so my dad would get this chance to spend with his grandson. So, fast forward and brother agreed to go, stating he had no choice. Dad is beyond excited. (Just polyps on his lungs, btw so that is good news)

So, knowing brother is not excited about the trip, I haven't brought up anything about it to him, just telling him when we were going and what hotel we are staying at. I have talked to his wife and we made some ADRs and talked about things that would be good for the toddler.

So last weekend we went out for ice cream and sister in law and I are talking about breakfast at Hollywood and Vine and brother pipes in, "We have to go to breakfast on this vacation?" Then started asking some other questions and complaining about things such as, busses, the hotel, getting up early and the halloween party. I have told him he doesn't have to go to any of the things planned but he just grumbled that he wasn't going to skip it.

SIL says that he will be fine once we get down there, but I am just frustrated. I am trying to do something nice for my family and brother just seems intent on being a PIA about it. I just feel that he agreed to go so he should suck it up and stop complaining! I am also nervous tht every little thing that might go wrong (weather, long lines, a spider in his room) he is going to blame on me. Which, clearly I know isn't my fault, but I don't like to have to listen to it.

Everyone else is very excited about going and busy making Peter Pan themed costumes!

Ok, thanks for listening

You cannot control how people act. You can only control how you react to them.

Don't allow your brother's sour attitude to steal your magic. If he begins to complain, remind him that he isn't attached to you at the hip. He can go where he wants to, when he wants to and he can join up with the family when he decides to. Something tells me that since you're paying for all of this, he might feel obligated to do what you want. Just remind him that you would rather spend quality time with him. The quantity is not important.

 

[Nancy F]

I'd tell him to shut up about it or stay home! But that's just me.

Nancy

 

[mdsoccermom]

Seriously? Your brother didn't want to go, therefore, you decided that he would go? It doesn't sound like he really agreed to go. More that you guilted him into going using your father as an excuse.

Don't let him spoil your mood, but don't dictate his. I would be very pissed off if someone told me where I had to go on vacation.

 

[Missy13d69]

It sounds like your brother feels like he was forced into a trip he never wanted to take. Maybe the spring trip he had planned was something special, and he feels like this trip will ruin it. I hope you trip turns out well, and the bad apple doesn't spoil the bunch.

 

[Elleshoodat]

You cannot control how people act. You can only control how you react to them.

Don't allow your brother's sour attitude to steal your magic. If he begins to complain, remind him that he isn't attached to you at the hip. He can go where he wants to, when he wants to and he can join up with the family when he decides to. Something tells me that since you're paying for all of this, he might feel obligated to do what you want. Just remind him that you would rather spend quality time with him. The quantity is not important.

This! Some people are happiest when they're miserable. You can only control how you feel.

 

[crashbb]

I'd tell him to shut up about it or stay home! But that's just me.

Nancy

He tried to stay home, but was guilted into going. I'm sure that he'd be more than happy to take the "stay home" option of that threat - but the OP wouldn't allow it.

 

[BuzznBelle'smom]

He told you that he didn't want to go, and you pretty much decided for him that he would. That's uncool, IMHO. A few thoughts...

Have you talked to SIL about them backing out at this point? It would be nice if you set aside your dream of this big family vacation, and actually let yoru adult brother decide (with his family) what is best for them.

If he feel obligated to go anyway, consider letting him off the hook for some of the ADRs. There's no law that says that a family (of mostly adults, especially) has to do everything in lock-step. When I went down with DH's family (BIL and his family of 5, MIL, etc.), we found it best to do 1-2 sit-down meals together a day. Beyond that, we'd be in the same park, but not do everything together. This way, when we met up for dinner, it was fun to catch up on what each other did, and actually enjoy time together, instead of it feeling forced.

I would also consider letting him off the hook for early morning touring. Not everyone wants to getup at the crack of dawn and race to Space Mountain. That's okay--it's a vacation, after all.

I really feel like you owe your brother an apology, and you should back off on forcing him to go. But, if he does end up going, try giving him some time and space to vacation in his own style. Naturally, this also gives you the chance to enjoy the parts of WDW that are important to you, as well.

 

[Pesky]

Let it go. I would say nothing at this point. He didn't want to go and clearly it's not an objection to WDW in general, sounds more like the timing. Maybe he wanted just he, his DW and son for their first trip. And now this "spoils" his plans. Now instead of revolving around how his DS is doing, there are others to consider. Just refocus your attitude, be gracious with their needs to make this vacation what they want as well and have a great time.

 

[Allison]

He told you that he didn't want to go, and you pretty much decided for him that he would. That's uncool, IMHO. A few thoughts...

Have you talked to SIL about them backing out at this point? It would be nice if you set aside your dream of this big family vacation, and actually let yoru adult brother decide (with his family) what is best for them.

If he feel obligated to go anyway, consider letting him off the hook for some of the ADRs. There's no law that says that a family (of mostly adults, especially) has to do everything in lock-step. When I went down with DH's family (BIL and his family of 5, MIL, etc.), we found it best to do 1-2 sit-down meals together a day. Beyond that, we'd be in the same park, but not do everything together. This way, when we met up for dinner, it was fun to catch up on what each other did, and actually enjoy time together, instead of it feeling forced.

I would also consider letting him off the hook for early morning touring. Not everyone wants to getup at the crack of dawn and race to Space Mountain. That's okay--it's a vacation, after all.

I really feel like you owe your brother an apology, and you should back off on forcing him to go. But, if he does end up going, try giving him some time and space to vacation in his own style. Naturally, this also gives you the chance to enjoy the parts of WDW that are important to you, as well.

I have to agree. The OP should never have guilted the brother into going. The OP wanted this trip for herself for her birthday. Other family members shouldn't have been forced to go. So, now that he is going, give him some space to do it his way.

 

[SaraJayne]

He told you that he didn't want to go, and you pretty much decided for him that he would. That's uncool, IMHO. A few thoughts...

Have you talked to SIL about them backing out at this point? It would be nice if you set aside your dream of this big family vacation, and actually let yoru adult brother decide (with his family) what is best for them.

If he feel obligated to go anyway, consider letting him off the hook for some of the ADRs. There's no law that says that a family (of mostly adults, especially) has to do everything in lock-step. When I went down with DH's family (BIL and his family of 5, MIL, etc.), we found it best to do 1-2 sit-down meals together a day. Beyond that, we'd be in the same park, but not do everything together. This way, when we met up for dinner, it was fun to catch up on what each other did, and actually enjoy time together, instead of it feeling forced.

I would also consider letting him off the hook for early morning touring. Not everyone wants to getup at the crack of dawn and race to Space Mountain. That's okay--it's a vacation, after all.

I really feel like you owe your brother an apology, and you should back off on forcing him to go. But, if he does end up going, try giving him some time and space to vacation in his own style. Naturally, this also gives you the chance to enjoy the parts of WDW that are important to you, as well.

I agree with you.

Your brother is nicer than I would have been. The only 2 people that get to decide when and where we go on vacation is DH and I. My sisters would be getting an earful if they tried that on me.

 

[shells4]

Really? Nobody can force a grown man to do something he doesn't want to do--except maybe his wife. I'm sure he felt obligated since dad potentially had lung cancer but now that the scare is over, give him the opportunity to stay home. Maybe his wife and son can go so grandpa can enjoy some time with his grandson. Maybe you should tell him which ADRs you have and ask him which, if any, he would like to be included in. Other than that, he is on his own. You can't force him to enjoy it and it certainly isn't worth you tainting your trip over. If he goes, do your own thing and don't worry about it.

 

[Missy13d69]

Is this your nephews first trip? If it is, then that is probably why your brother is so upset. A kids first trip is a magical thing, and if your brother already had that tripped planned for their family, then they are losing that to some degree. I don't blame him at all for being upset and mad at being guilt tripped (he's said you gave him no choice, that's a guilt trip) into essentially ruining his plans for their first family vacation to Disney. You really should bite the bullet and let them out of the trip. Losing the money would be worth salvaging your relationship with your brother, which may be damaged forever if you insist on getting your way.

 

[luvmy2babies]

I'd tell him to shut up about it or stay home! But that's just me.

Nancy

It sounds like someone already did. Whether it was the OP, his wife or the parents is unclear.

I'm all for extra opportunities to go to WDW, but not everyone is. I feel for him. He's probably all alone on what many call the dark side (turning down an opportunity to go to Disney World).

If he agreed to do it because of the father's health scare, then he should be allowed to back out. The little boy won't know any different. if you do make the trip, I'd be careful about so many ADRs and I think I saw MNSSHP mentioned too. It sounds like a short trip. You don't want him soured on the place. It could dampen this trip and the one he has planned with his family.

 

[jujube]

Your brother did not want to go.
As much as I love WDW, there's no way that I would want to go for just a long weekend.
If it was me, I'd tell him that I understand his feelings and that he doesn't have to go on the trip. He probably feels like he is not being heard. A bit of understanding on your part might change his attitude.

 

[khertz]

Not to be rude, but I think you way overstepped in this situation and I'm not surprised at how your brother is reacting to it. What was very telling for me was when you said, "At that point I made the decision that I was going to get us all down there. Since my nephew was born, dad has been talking about taking him to WDW." In my opinion, as nice as it is that you are thinking of your dad and what he would love most (taking grandson to WDW), that is so not your place to make that happen, at least not without discussing it with your brother and SIL first. Maybe for their Spring trip, your brother was going to surprise the grandparents by asking them along? Or maybe he just wanted a trip for his own family of 3?

When you pitched the idea for the birthday trip, he didn't want to go because he already had a trip planned and couldn't afford two trips. So then your dad has a health scare (not to diminish that at all, I'm sure it was very scary and I'm glad everything ended up okay) and you decided everyone needed to go on this trip. I guess I don't really get why you are surprised that your brother is being resistant to planning the trip? He didn't want to go in the first place and you guilted him into going, of course he is behaving that way!

I think at the very least, you should offer your brother the opportunity to bow out of the vacation. He probably won't do it because then he will feel like he is being guilted again, but at least give him the opportunity.

I have to say, what you did kind of sounds like something my MIL would do, and that is a big reason we do not get along. She is always trying to guilt DH and/or I into or out of things, and it's really not a good way to get people to do things you want. It only causes anger and resentment.

 

[Kristi391]

Thank you for all the responses.

I guess never really looked at it from different sides before. I think all I had in my head was that I do a ton of stuff for him/his family so I didn't think it would be a big deal to go down for my birthday. I kind of let it go when he first said no but then when mom said dad might be sick again I was thinking of it much more for my dad than me (granted I would still be getting something of it). DB brought it up to me before I mentioned it again. I had told him I didn't want him to feel guilted in to going so he and his family didn't have to go and that just myself and youngest brother would go down, but he said we would all go.

Again, thanks for the different responses.

 

[NEVERENOUGHWDW]

Sounds like this trip really change from your birthday celebration to a great time for your Dad.
Your brother needs to stay home. If you have an attitude at home it will just follow and make everyone uncomfortable.

So happy your Dad just has polyps

 

[Nancyg56]

Thank you for all the responses.

I guess never really looked at it from different sides before. I think all I had in my head was that I do a ton of stuff for him/his family so I didn't think it would be a big deal to go down for my birthday. I kind of let it go when he first said no but then when mom said dad might be sick again I was thinking of it much more for my dad than me (granted I would still be getting something of it). DB brought it up to me before I mentioned it again. I had told him I didn't want him to feel guilted in to going so he and his family didn't have to go and that just myself and youngest brother would go down, but he said we would all go.

Again, thanks for the different responses.

It may be too late for your brother to back out now especially if his son and wife really are invested in the trip at this point. It was not very nice to guilt him into going, that kind of thing never goes well. The bottom line is that you used your Dad's illness to get what you wanted and yet you are upset your BD resents what you did.

My oldest son has never joined our family on a Disney vacation. He would hate it. We ask he says no and we let it go.

 

[Jubilee]

I will never again go with other people that are not as gung ho as my family for an extended stay. It's a waste of money and ends up ruining your trip! It's better to omit the person than ruin the whole vibe of the trip, IMHO (from personal experience which I have mistakenly repeated!!)