Any ideas on how I can get my MIL to go to a nursing home for 3 weeks?

[pampam]

Our family is DH and DD (downs syndrome, 41 years old). My 90 year old MIL has been staying with us for the past 2 winters and expects to stay this winter as well. She has just had major surgery. A lobe of her lung was removed (lung cancer) . She is staying with us for her recuperation which we were told would be about 6 weeks. However, because of her age, it is a hard recovery. I'm sure she will be here till April. DH doesn't trust her to be alone in our house, but DD and I want to go back to WDW. We spoke with her case manager and there are nursing homes she can stay at for short term ($35.00 a day) but these have to be booked well in advance before you make vacation plans. DH works away from home for days at a time, and he can't book 3 weeks off work to stay with her. I tell you, I really need a vacation. This woman is very high maintenence. She's a nice lady, so I'm trying very hard to not get resentful. DD has a myriad of health problems and WDW is her happy place. Because of the logistics, we stay at least 3 weeks, and she simply thrives when there. If we could get MIL to agree with staying in a nursing home for a few weeks we could make some plans. Any suggestion how we can phrase it so she would be more acceptable to the idea? It's not like we are refusing to care for her, but I need a break.

 

[Disney Doll]

How about telling DH to say "Mom, pampam is taking DD to Disneyworld for 3 weeks and I will not be able to take 3 weeks off from work. There is a rehab facility where you can go for the 3 weeks while they are gone and be cared for so I'd like to book you into that. When pampam gets home, we'll pick you up and bring you back here to finish your recovery".

 

[DVC~OKW~96]

Our family is DH and DD (downs syndrome, 41 years old). My 90 year old MIL has been staying with us for the past 2 winters and expects to stay this winter as well. She has just had major surgery. A lobe of her lung was removed (lung cancer) . She is staying with us for her recuperation which we were told would be about 6 weeks. However, because of her age, it is a hard recovery. I'm sure she will be here till April. DH doesn't trust her to be alone in our house, but DD and I want to go back to WDW. We spoke with her case manager and there are nursing homes she can stay at for short term ($35.00 a day) but these have to be booked well in advance before you make vacation plans. DH works away from home for days at a time, and he can't book 3 weeks off work to stay with her. I tell you, I really need a vacation. This woman is very high maintenence. She's a nice lady, so I'm trying very hard to not get resentful. DD has a myriad of health problems and WDW is her happy place. Because of the logistics, we stay at least 3 weeks, and she simply thrives when there. If we could get MIL to agree with staying in a nursing home for a few weeks we could make some plans. Any suggestion how we can phrase it so she would be more acceptable to the idea? It's not like we are refusing to care for her, but I need a break.

Hello. Caregiving is the single most stressful "job" you'll have. Period.

You could gently explain to her that your DD needs to have some time for you to address her needs as well as your MILs, and to do that you need to know your MIL will be cared for and safe.

To accomplish that, you've compiled some choices for her (have the respite at the NH one choice, look into private duty [very expensive] as another choice, etc) and then let her select which one she can best afford.

She may surprise you and go with private duty regardless of cost, but that would still accomplish your goal; of having time to address the needs of your DD at this time too.

You are a good daughter in law!

 

[Darcy03231]

How about telling DH to say "Mom, pampam is taking DD to Disneyworld for 3 weeks and I will not be able to take 3 weeks off from work. There is a rehab facility where you can go for the 3 weeks while they are gone and be cared for so I'd like to book you into that. When pampam gets home, we'll pick you up and bring you back here to finish your recovery".

This.

 

[Ceila]

It should come from your husband, and he needs to present it as your vacation is a done deal, and she will have a choice in how she will be cared for. He cannot let her think that she will decide if you go or not. I really like DVC~OKW~96's idea of presenting several options, none of which include your husband taking off or you and your DD not going. Those two are not on the table.

 

[Swan4Me]

$35 a DAY??????
I would seriously worry about a place this cheap!REALLY go look at it

And I have NEVER heard of short term-your MIL should have gone immediately from the hospital to a care facility-Medicare pays for 6 weeks for that

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Before you talk to her, check out the places first. In addition do your own legwork with this. I would not rely on the case manager. You have to be your own detective here.

I would talk to her doctor as well and get his input on where she should stay for recovery.

AFTER you found a place to stay and both your dh and you approve of it then you go forward with your plans of booking a vacay.

In other words do not get MIL upset until you actually found a place that you think it is OK & available. That way you can bring her there, talk about it, etc...

 

[clutter]

$35 a DAY??????
I would seriously worry about a place this cheap!REALLY go look at it

And I have NEVER heard of short term-your MIL should have gone immediately from the hospital to a care facility-Medicare pays for 6 weeks for that

Seriously. That's less expensive than boarding a dog.

 

[disney1990]

$35 a DAY??????
I would seriously worry about a place this cheap!REALLY go look at it

And I have NEVER heard of short term-your MIL should have gone immediately from the hospital to a care facility-Medicare pays for 6 weeks for that

Wow, where are these $35 a day places - we pay $270 a day - OUCH!!

 

[mnrose]

I don't believe that price either. It can't be much of a place...or perhaps that is just a co-pay and insurance is picking up the tab on some of the cost? My father was in a nursing home last year, and it cost a MINIMUM of $200 a day (going up from that depending on level of care required), and this was in what is considered a fairly low cost state. Now, he is in an assisted living facility, that does offer respite care, but that starts at a MINIMUM of $100 a day depending on the needs of the individual. There is no way I would trust a $35 a day facility (unless that is a co-pay amount). On a per hour basis that is about $1.50 an hour! Would you really trust someone willing to do that work for that price? I would not.

That being said, I would also look at assisted living places that offer respite care. That might be more palatable to your MIL...most that I have visited have a very different feel than nursing homes. They are way more active, etc. And, I would present the options...we are going, DH cannot take that much time from work, and you cannot stay alone. Your choice is nursing home X, nursing home Y, assisted living facility Z, and private home care. Here are the costs of each. We will contribute (if true) this amount toward the expense. Any beyond that is up to you. Please choose in the next week (or whatever), or we will choose the option of nursing home care. We love you and want the best possible care so we don't have to worry about you while we are gone!

 

[Wishing on a star]

Your husband needs to be the one to handle this with his mother.
He shouldn't be leaving you to do all of this alone. That jumps out at me right away. Really strongly.
Your husband needs to be onboard with making arrangements for his mother that do not involve YOU taking care of everything 24/7.
That is really the broader problem that needs to be addressed.

Like others have said, it needs to be presented as a 'done-deal'.
"This is how all of this is going to work out."

And, really, I don't know if I would make a point to tell her that this is all about a full three weeks at theme parks.

I am ALL for help with respite care.
I am ALL about personal boundaries.

But, to present this as 'so DD and I can have three weeks at the theme parks'... Just sayin'...

I do hope you can get this all worked out!!!

 

[pampam]

OP here.

DH is on board, and we plan on presenting it to her tomorrow. I'm just looking at ways to present it to her without hurting her feelings. Up until now, she has lived alone and looked after herself, except for winter. During winter, she would rather live with us where she doesn't have to worry about shoveling snow, etc. However, in her mind, she is still thinking she can care for herself. But like most older people, she doesn't prepare good meals, just what is convenient, and her world gets very small. Also, her mind is getting confused more and more, so that is why DH insists she can't stay alone in our house.

I live in Canada, and yes, the price we pay out of pocket is $35.00, for gov't subsidized care. Private retirement homes charge whatever they want. I'm quite familiar with these institutions, and have visited people in them. I've never eaten there or stayed there, so I don't have first hand experience, but the people I've talked to that live in these places seem quite content.

The gov't also gives her 1 hour a week for personal care, and 3 hours a week for respite for DD and I to get out and think about something else besides her. I know it's not a lot of time, and that is why I'm craving a trip to DDs happy place.

The case worker gave her a list of all the places she could stay, and a form to itemize what her wants are to check off when she goes to visit these places, but I doubt she was even paying attention when the conversation turned to that type of care. In her mind she is quite self sufficient. That's where I think I could have a problem. I wouldn't want to put DMIL where she isn't happy, and of course she will be included in the choice.

 

[Gigi22]

Before you consider this place for your MIL, I suggest your DH and you make a "due diligence" visit there. Phone and make an appointment and find out about it. Also--in this case, Google is your friend--find out what regulations govern the operation of the home, and see if there are any complaints about it.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I think this is how I would approach it, after seeing your new post.

I would check out some places, and narrow it down to two.
Do not present too many options.
Make it as less overwhelming as possible.

It should just be presented as 'This is the way this will have to be'.
And, "Here are the nicest couple of options to choose from".

I really don't know how she would even be able to make a choice, without knowing all that much about the different places.

Especially if her sharpness of mind is showing her age, just laying the whole situation out and all the options might not be the way to go.
That might really be too much to ask/expect?

Maybe you will be surprised, and when her son and yourself present this to her this way, as a united front, she will be more agreeable than you think!!!

 

[LisaR]

OP here.

DH is on board, and we plan on presenting it to her tomorrow. I'm just looking at ways to present it to her without hurting her feelings. Up until now, she has lived alone and looked after herself, except for winter. During winter, she would rather live with us where she doesn't have to worry about shoveling snow, etc. However, in her mind, she is still thinking she can care for herself. But like most older people, she doesn't prepare good meals, just what is convenient, and her world gets very small. Also, her mind is getting confused more and more, so that is why DH insists she can't stay alone in our house.

I live in Canada, and yes, the price we pay out of pocket is $35.00, for gov't subsidized care. Private retirement homes charge whatever they want. I'm quite familiar with these institutions, and have visited people in them. I've never eaten there or stayed there, so I don't have first hand experience, but the people I've talked to that live in these places seem quite content.

The gov't also gives her 1 hour a week for personal care, and 3 hours a week for respite for DD and I to get out and think about something else besides her. I know it's not a lot of time, and that is why I'm craving a trip to DDs happy place.

The case worker gave her a list of all the places she could stay, and a form to itemize what her wants are to check off when she goes to visit these places, but I doubt she was even paying attention when the conversation turned to that type of care. In her mind she is quite self sufficient. That's where I think I could have a problem. I wouldn't want to put DMIL where she isn't happy, and of course she will be included in the choice.

Another reason why I love Canada.

My mom stays with us in the winter and I rehabbed her through knee surgery a few years back that ended up being the entire year. You need a break!

I think your DH needs to tell her that this is the way it needs to be. While he can be nice and gentle, he needs to make it clear that this is the one and only option. This is for your sanity and that needs to be the top priority. It is only 3 weeks. She'll be fine.

 

[kimmar067]

Your husband needs to be the one to handle this with his mother.
He shouldn't be leaving you to do all of this alone. That jumps out at me right away. Really strongly.
Your husband needs to be onboard with making arrangements for his mother that do not involve YOU taking care of everything 24/7.
That is really the broader problem that needs to be addressed.

Like others have said, it needs to be presented as a 'done-deal'.
"This is how all of this is going to work out."

And, really, I don't know if I would make a point to tell her that this is all about a full three weeks at theme parks.

I am ALL for help with respite care.
I am ALL about personal boundaries.

But, to present this as 'so DD and I can have three weeks at the theme parks'... Just sayin'...

I do hope you can get this all worked out!!!

...yeah, I agree - that DOES sound kinda bad....it really doesn't matter WHY you cannot care for your M-i-L for 3 weeks; that's YOUR business. Your DH definitely needs to step up to the plate, since it's HIS mom. I think, once the OP has fully researched the options available, present it in a way that will let her M-i-L be a part of the decision-making process. Given the M-i-L's age and severity of the health issue, it may be better that she receives around-the-clock care by health professionals for a short time anyway, right? OP, good luck with your decision...

 

[kimmar067]

OP ~ are there any other relatives that she can stay wth for that time?

 

[bellebud]

OP - just want to chime in that I'm glad you're taking care of mil, your dd, AND yourself! Taking care of yourself is very important.

Just say you and DD will be gone for 3 weeks. If, and only if she asks where (she may not even ask), tell her Florida instead of saying Disney (a 3 week trip is SO awesome)!!!

To not hurt her feelings, maybe say it's more like "doctors orders" that she be cared for... not that anyone thinks she can't care for herself, but that because she's recovering, it's a different circumstance than otherwise.

Good luck getting it all worked out, and enjoy your trip w/ your dd!!

 

[Caseheidi]

We had this conversation with my DMIL two years ago, except it was permanent. Her biggest thing was that she wanted to be included and for us to be honest with her. Also, she never wanted to feel like a bourdon. IMO I would make sure that she understands that you want her there, you just need a break with DD who needs some time. After all, she has been part of DD life for 40+ years and probably understands the stresses there for you and your DH.

Be honest with her about the level of care she needs now, and make sure she understands why she cannot be alone. It is a hard part of getting older, and can be very hard for the person. She may need to vent. Our cousin just took our Grandfathers car keys away from him, and he is currently in that stage. He understands, and even agrees with the decision, but is frustrated with the changes in his body and memory. Just remember, any upset is not really at you, but about the loss of her independence.
Good luck! Hope it goes well for you.

 

[disneyhand]

OP, is she already staying with you and has she had the surgery yet?

Just wondering if you could take your trip before she comes to stay and or during the later part of her rehab?