OT What Would You Do? Mean Girls

[loveabargin]

My DD9 (almost 10) has been acting like a teen all week, very moody and cries easily (a little early for this, I thought). Anyhow, today, she came home in tears (she's had practice after school most days this week for a performance). Here's what happened today:

Another girl (a year older than my DD) got really mean with her at practice. My DD accidentally stepped on her foot and she told her "If you touch any part of my body again, I'm going to rip out all of your hair"...then, she took my daughter's hair in her hands and then let go of it and said "no, I'm not going to do it this time". I asked my DD what she said to that and she said nothing. My DD is super sweet and pretty shy, and a little clumsy too. I think this girl must have something to do with my daughter's mood all week since they've been together for practices everyday after school. They have to spend time "in the wings" waiting and she's right beside my DD.

Anyhow, I can't sleep. I'm mad. The performance is tomorrow night and all I can think of is "should I say something to the girl to warn her that I know?", should I take her mother aside and tell her and let her handle it...and possibly make it worse for my DD. I hate conflict, and I know this is the first of many that I will have to deal with...but what's the right thing to do? It's almost 1am and I can't sleep!

 

[FSUDisneyGirl]

I would also contact the director asap and let him/her know of the situation. I teach music to students your daughter's age, and we have an upcoming performance as well. I would never tolerate behavior like this...but I might what is going on because of the stress of final rehearsals!

However, I would be INCREDIBLY grateful if you came to talk with me, as I that behavior is totally unacceptable and needs to stop immediately...if I spoke to the girl about her threat and she said one more rude thing to your daughter, she would be out of the show....regardless of her part.

I've seen "teen-like" behavior and bullying (more from girls than boys) in my 4th and 5th grade classes this year. I think that it needs to be stopped early on! Some may say that kids can figure out their own problems, but if one student is moody and crying all week, and the other is older and threatening, chances are they need some help figuring things out.

and good luck!

 

[loveabargin]

Thank you sooo much for your reply! My DD is in 4th and the other girl is in 5th. She wouldn't tell me what was wrong all week, though I knew it had to be something. I almost called the girl's mother this afternoon, but I decided to wait so I didn't do anything I would regret. Apparently the other girl is very very competitive...but my DD doesn't have a competitive bone in her body, so not sure what the deal is. Unfortunately, because my DD is so sweet, she probably makes an easy target for mean girls.

I will call her Music Teacher tomorrow and talk to her. Thanks for suggesting.

 

[FSUDisneyGirl]

you're welcome! i realized i mis-typed earlier...what i meant was that i may miss problems going on between students because of the logistics of planning a show.

hope you get it all figured out!

 

[Eviie]

You may also want to talk to the coach (what is this for? soccer? music? sorry, i didn't really get what it was for) and tell him/her about the harassment.

 

[torinsmom]

What does your daughter want you to do? Remember, she is a female, and sometimes we don't tell someone something so they will "fix" it; we just want someone to listen, LOL. I would follow her lead. Sometimes a call to the other child's parent will not accomplish anything but more problems, like the other girl telling all her friends to call your daughter a baby for having mommy deal with the problem(I have seen this happen) If your daughter can't handle it herself, I would speak to the adult in charge and ask them to keep a watch out.

It would actually be best if your DD would speak up to her and let her know that she isn't scared of her and doesn't appreciate being spoken to in that way. She needs to take her to the side, because bullies are insecure when they aren't surrounded by an audience. Unfortunately, she is probably going to deal with this kind of thing again and again, and it is better if she learns to deal with it directly. I teach my 3-6 year olds how to do this, and stand by as they problem solve. Sometimes, I will over hear "I don't like the way you're treating me", and then a discussion about how they are going to work it out.

Marsha

 

[grlpwrd]

What does your daughter want you to do? Remember, she is a female, and sometimes we don't tell someone something so they will "fix" it; we just want someone to listen, LOL. I would follow her lead. Sometimes a call to the other child's parent will not accomplish anything but more problems, like the other girl telling all her friends to call your daughter a baby for having mommy deal with the problem(I have seen this happen) If your daughter can't handle it herself, I would speak to the adult in charge and ask them to keep a watch out.

It would actually be best if your DD would speak up to her and let her know that she isn't scared of her and doesn't appreciate being spoken to in that way. She needs to take her to the side, because bullies are insecure when they aren't surrounded by an audience. Unfortunately, she is probably going to deal with this kind of thing again and again, and it is better if she learns to deal with it directly. I teach my 3-6 year olds how to do this, and stand by as they problem solve. Sometimes, I will over hear "I don't like the way you're treating me", and then a discussion about how they are going to work it out.

Marsha

I agree that the OP's daughter should speak up for herself first.

The worse thing would be for the other girl to use the fact "mommy" or another adult helped her which would only add fuel to the fire.

I hate confrontation, too, but our kids need to learn how to deal with these kinds of people.

GL!

 

[HeyIt'sMe]

My DD is in 5th Grade and the drama is starting.

One of DD's friends has a boyfriend ... boyfriend's ex-girlfriend told DD's friend that she wanted him back ... so the friend said to ex-girlfriend if she tried anything she'd "rip her [insert profanity here] head off". Nice. Anyway, DD, and several other students got called into the counselor's office one by one to be questioned about what they knew about the situation.

Like you, I could tell something was wrong when DD got home from school. We talked about it and she was so upset. She freaked out when she got called to the counselor's office. She said "Oh Mom my legs were shaking and I felt like I wanted to cry!". She's a good kid - never in trouble, honor roll - I hate that she got pulled into the drama. BTW - she said she remembers her friend making the comment in a group conversation but obviously didn't think she was serious so didn't give it much thought (she was more shocked at the profane word said). And yes, it's disturbing to me that a girl my DD calls a friend would make a comment like that, with profanity or not.

And isn't 5th grade early for this?? Maybe not.
Perhaps I was just a latebloomer - I was still playing with my Barbie Dolls when I was in 5th grade!

 

[LubsPoohBear]

And isn't 5th grade early for this?? Maybe not.
Perhaps I was just a latebloomer - I was still playing with my Barbie Dolls when I was in 5th grade!

it s sad that things have changed so much since we were growing up.for me i was still playing with my dolls riding bike ect.. till around 13. my twins have given them up years ago there in the 7th grade and im scared for them.fights at school(bad ones not just the lil push and yelling from my day)kids going to drinking partys one of my dds friends will be having a baby in 4 months.. thats like then drugs.. gangs ... guns. its just sad all i can say is love them hug them be there all u can

 

[dis4me]

it s sad that things have changed so much since we were growing up.for me i was still playing with my dolls riding bike ect.. till around 13. my twins have given them up years ago there in the 7th grade and im scared for them.fights at school(bad ones not just the lil push and yelling from my day)kids going to drinking partys one of my dds friends will be having a baby in 4 months.. thats like then drugs.. gangs ... guns. its just sad all i can say is love them hug them be there all u can

a 13 year old is having a baby.... Wow I must be living under a rock. My dd is 13 and we don't have those types of problems yet... Thank God.I know that some girls are dating not mine though but that is scary to think of someone her age pregnant.
Sorry OP I just couldn't believe when I read that. I do think you need to talk to the director so he/she can keep an eye on things.Also follow what your dd wants. She is the one who has to deal with the consequences.

 

[TenThousandVolts]

What I would do:

I would talk to the director of the program and say "My daughter says that one of the other kids threatened her with physical violence. Can you please make an announcement to the group that if they have a conflict with another child and they are threatened or assaulted that they need to come and tell the adult in charge and that making violent threats will not be tolerated." This will get the message accross to the bullies and the potential victims at the same time.

I would not name the "bully" in this situation to the mother or the school unless there was a pattern of intimidation. One cruel comment- I think I would let that go. I am sure she will have a side of the story to tell also- whether it be true or false- that may just create more unwanted drama for your daughter- that is why I would ask the director to address the situation in a general way.

 

[loveabargin]

I am sure she will have a side of the story to tell also- whether it be true or false- that may just create more unwanted drama for your daughter- that is why I would ask the director to address the situation in a general way.

I thought about this...I figured she would say my DD was being mean and stepping on her foot on purpose or something like that...drama!

UPDATE: I spoke with her Music director/teacher today and she was upset and apologized to me. I told her I didn't think she was responsible, but I wanted to bring it to her attention so that she could look out for my DD. She said she would and also tell the other teacher who was going to be backstage to look out for her too. She was very upset that this happened.

I talked to my DD this morning, who (thankfully) didn't seem upset in the light of day. I talked to her about bullies and how she needs to stand up for herself or she (mean girl) may continue this behavior. DD said she couldn't say anything mean to her...anyhow, DD doesn't want me to talk to the girl's mother (which I understand). I did think about saying something to the girl myself because I know that would have scared the crap out of me as a kid...not anything direct, just something vague so that maybe it scared her. I have to call the girl's mother about snacks for their after play party for next week...I thought I would just say to the girl "I need to call your mother, could you give me your phone number?" and leave it at that. It's true, but she can think what she wants about why I need to call her mother. My other girlfriend said this same girl started a "I hate (her daughter) Club" last year....lovely girl, huh?

 

[ceecee]

We have started that here this year in 6th grade. My DD's friend has been picked on all year by one girl (history of this) and finally DD's other friend told the teacher because the girl being picked on refused to. The teacher made the girl write her an apology letter. We'll see if that makes it any better or any worse. I can't believe that girls can be so cruel, I just don't remember that happening when I was in school. Last year one mom called a girl's mom and told her that her daughter was harrassing her daughter and the mom said, "oh she's just jealous because she's not in the popular group like my daughter" I didn't believe it then, but I'm starting to see how it can happen with parents like that.

 

[tinaluis]

And isn't 5th grade early for this?? Maybe not.

Perhaps I was just a latebloomer - I was still playing with my Barbie Dolls when I was in 5th grade!

I thought so too but my DD's 4th grade teacher shared something with me two years ago. She said she originally chose to teach 4th because it was well before all the drama and meanness starts with the girls, but that she was seeing it start earlier and earlier and was actually having quite a year with the girls in her class. Scary that it starts so soon. Fortunately, DD was able to stay away from the drama, but I worry about my middle DD who will be in 4th grade next year.

 

[sueh]

I think that bullies are starting a younger age. My dd is 7 (8 in May) and in the 2nd grade. Although there are all types of bullying in my opinion. There is a girl at school that all the other girls seem to gravitate towards. My daughter is for the most part shy and this girl is mean to her when it's convient for her. Other times she is mean to her.

They go to the same daycare and ride the bus to school together. The "other" girl sits behind my daughter and used to pull her hair and think it's funny. One other day she was distracting my dd while her friend stole her lunch out of her bag. I spoke to the teacher at the daycare and it was addressed. She was nicer to my daughter after that.
Fast forward a couple of months ago. A bunch of children were starting some book club (it was just kids) and asked for $ for dues ( how smart are these kids?) so a few of the kids gave their lunch $$ to this girl. My dd came home and was telling me about it. I was trying to get as much information as I could out of my dd (but it's like pulling teeth). Come to find out it wasn't a "school activity". I contacted the teacher at school and the guidance councilor got involved. All parties were spoken to and this little girl was suppose to return the $$. She didn't. When I dropped off my dd I told her that she needed to speak to this girl and ask for her $$ back. I stood in the doorway and my daughter came back saying that she will give it to her tomorrow. I told my daughter that I was proud of her for sticking up for herself and I said kind of louldy that if "the girl" did not give her money back by the end of today I was going to contact her mother.
When I picked my dd up in the afternoon she had her $$ and the girl has since been nice to my daughter.
She knows now that I am not fooling around and I will contact her mother.

 

[GoofyGolferGirl]

I don't think the girl would be upset if you said something to her, I have seen kids that would smart off to an adult (not their parent) and they are only in the 4th and 5th grade! I would have NEVER talked to an adult like that! Some parents just don't care and they are not involved in their childs life.

 

[suevee]

it s sad that things have changed so much since we were growing up.for me i was still playing with my dolls riding bike ect.. till around 13. my twins have given them up years ago there in the 7th grade and im scared for them.fights at school(bad ones not just the lil push and yelling from my day)kids going to drinking partys one of my dds friends will be having a baby in 4 months.. thats like then drugs.. gangs ... guns. its just sad all i can say is love them hug them be there all u can

I haven't read most of this post, but I really don't think things have changed so much when it comes to "mean girls". My daughter is 35, when she was 9 she was a victim of bullying.

Over a period of time I went to the teachers, the school counselor, the children's parents.....the result was the girls felt they were empowered and the bullying just got worse and sneakier. My daughter pleaded with me not to tell anyone again as it would just continue to escalate. As we were renters at the time, I just moved and put my daughter in a new school system. She did fine, but the results of that bullying affected her for a long time. She still remembers it.

So, be careful in how you handle it.....

The catalyst that started the bullying was she befriended an Arabian boy who did not speak much English, dressed differently, and smelled of strange spices that were used in his family's cooking. He was in the ESOL program. Our family has always had friends from different backgrounds and cultures. This boy was being hounded, she stood up for him and became the new victim. They made her life miserable for two years as only girls can but they left him alone. I have always been very proud of her.

 

[HM]

a 13 year old is having a baby.... Wow I must be living under a rock. My dd is 13 and we don't have those types of problems yet... Thank God.I know that some girls are dating not mine though but that is scary to think of someone her age pregnant.
Sorry OP I just couldn't believe when I read that. I do think you need to talk to the director so he/she can keep an eye on things.Also follow what your dd wants. She is the one who has to deal with the consequences.

I remember when my son started 6th grade a few years ago. The first thing they talked about in PE/Health was sex, drugs, and stuff (the booklet they were supposed to read with their parents was aimed at teens because the examples were all 16/17 year olds). I asked the counselor was this appropriate for their age group, that I didn't like that it was the FIRST thing to talk about in class. She said it was appropriate, because they already had an incoming 6th grader (11 yr old) that was expecting a baby! I was blown away by that. I still think they needed different materials to use, but I could see the point of that unit of Health. We didn't have that until 8th grade when I was a kid.

 

[Pixie Dust for Me!]

Wow, makes me glad I have a boy!

Sorry, that likely came out all wrong. All I can say to the OP is that once, I saw a group of girls from my son's class behaving in an inappropriate way (In Kindergarten) and I went to them and told them to stop it immediately. One girl (who has since left the school, thank goodness!) said she could do whatever she wanted to...I told her in no uncertain terms that she could not. I was the grown-up and said no and meant it. She called me a witch (with a b) and I said, "darn right and proud of it. I'm the meanest one of them all...just ask my son."

Well, that shut her up and I never had another problem with her again (or any other girl either). Just glad she left in 3rd grade.

Guess I'll have to watch out for that "mean girl" streak. I wish I knew what to tell you to do.

I think I would be inclined to go to the little girl in question with her mother in tow and tell both of them that if the little girl EVER threatend my daughter again, the police would be handling the matter. Threatening someone with bodily harm is battery and she can be arrested and prosecuted for it.

Good luck and let us know how it all goes.

Karen

 

[4fosterkids]

After having 3 boys go thru school, our daughter is currently 9 and in 4th grade. I am constantly shocked at the drama and attitudes of girls compared to boys. And much of it started in 2nd grade. I couldn't believe it.
She has had one girl in particular, bother her since Kindergarten. This girl is just a mean spirit in general and always trying to turn the story around to make her look like the victim. The school knows but of course can't be around 24/7 to monitor the conversations. My daughter has learned how to ignore her and keep her distance.
I am surprised at the daily drama of who is friends with who one day to the next. One day she's happy, the next in tears and the next day friends with whomever caused the tears. I just try to tell her to be kind, no matter what. I hate kids getting picked on.
It's definitely not the same world as when we were kids!